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Americans Get to Keep Moron

“Has he gone yet? Please let the yanks take him. I don’t think I could take his smarmy obnoxious fake smile for much longer on our screens. Every channel you turn to, it’s the greasy little fucker and his saccharin simpering leer infecting your every being. Let’s face it, Pierce Moron is a dickhead of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a pair of bollocks dangling from his chin. I’m begging the Americans to take our most hated figure and adopt him into their banal talentless plastic culture of celebrity worship. It worked for him here, so why not over there?” an angry TV viewer from Hartlepool told the BBC news.

The announcement that Piers Moron had left these shores was hailed with cheers on Britain’s streets and in some areas street parties.

“We don’t have much money left anymore but we cobbled together a few things, like a cup of coffee and three week old muffin from a BP petrol station. We’re having a party today to celebrate the loss of Piers Moron. The Americans can have him, Sarah Ferguson and the oil,” Laura Bristlewaithe, a housewife from Dorset said.

Swarms of Giant Bees Attacking South African World Cup Stadiums

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“The sound of the swarming bees is deafening. No one on the pitch can hear the referee blow his whistle and no one can hear the crowd cheering. The angry African bees seem to be attracted to the bright coloured football kits of the players and the bright clothes of the fans,” a FIFA match official told South Africa’s weekly, the Soweto Telegraph.

The bee swarms have invaded all of the stadiums where every world cup fixture is being held, and a number of people have been stung by the bees.

“Being stung by the bees was nothing, it was the bloody noise they made that really hurt. I’d rather be stung on my nut sack then listen to that racket all day,” Geoffrey Alcoa, a fan who travelled all the way from Holland said.

Roger Attenberry, a naturalist filming a BBC nature program in the Kruger national park said: “One of my assistants managed to capture a few bees for my analysis from the stadium in Johhanesburg. After studying them I have identified the bees as part of the Vuvuzelus Apis genus. A particularly aggressive and noisy strain of bee that is attracted to South African football matches.”

England Goalie Outdone by American Oil Slick

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“What could he do? The slimy Americans soaked the ball in oil from the Gulf of Mexico then kicked it at Rob,” Fabio Capello, the England coach moaned at the end of the game.

According to World Cup officials, the Americans soaked the ball in prime crude oil as soon as they got onto the pitch.

“I saw the Americans get onto the pitch with a big bucket of seawater from the Gulf of Mexico. That shit’s hundred percent proof pure gasoline now. Well, then I saw one of the strikers, Clint Dempsey get the ball and stick it in the bucket,” an official standing on the sidelines claimed.

Butter fingers, Rob Green, was all slippery when the greased up ball went under him like a knife through butter.

“Let’s just say this is revenge for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico which we are blaming on the limeys,” a US sports commentator, Dan Spitzer, said on the CBS network.

Obama: "British Should Apologise for American Built Gulf Coast Oil Rig Disaster"

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“This is a great opportunity for me to deflect attention from my failed presidency. Besides, I’ve always hated the goddamn Brits anyway. That’s why I have ordered the destruction of BP, and told all news outlets that I’m out to get BP. You ever seen a black man mad? Well, sheeeit, I’m gonna get medieval on yo limey asses,” Mr Obama said at a press conference near the disaster site.

The oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico has worked wonders in creating anti-British sentiment across the whole of America. Many Americans are in the dark about who built the oil rig and who operated it.

“This is great! We’ve completely deflected all the blame from the American owners of the rig, Transocean and Halliburton. This is now a British blame operation, and I have to say it’s great for our share prices. Those Brits don’t have pensions anymore because we’ve destroyed their biggest company,” state department spokesman, Ollie Oyle, told ABC news yesterday.

Ordinary Americans do not seem to understand that the oil rig was built by an American company and was supplying oil for America. They are being fed anti-British rhetoric every day sanctioned by the Obama administration.

“911 was an enlightened sign that the new order had begun. The Gulf of Mexico disaster is another sign that the thirst for oil is not sustainable,” an economics expert from Harvard university told Fox news on Thursday.

Related Articles:

Obama Needs His Own 911

Daily Squib Briefly Loses ‘AAAA’ Rating After S&P Error

“People were running around like headless chickens, I saw our features editor banging his head against a watercooler, then Jimmy our senior staff writer was seen tossing fax machines out of the 13th floor closed window. This has really affected us, we are known as AAAA, and they fricking downgraded us? Standard and Poor can kiss my hairy ass, we’re going to storm their offices tomorrow and overturn their furniture, maybe let off a few stink bombs,” our senior sub sub editor in chief, Ernst Max, said after the downgrade announcement at 15.00 GMT.

After much wrangling and negotiation, it was however revealed that Standard and Poor made a major clerical error and the Daily Squib’s AAAA rating was restored causing much embarrassment.

When the unfortunate S&P mistake was fixed, other rating agencies like Fitch and Moody’s all increased their ratings of the Squib immediately causing the euro and GBP to shoot up markedly against the dollar.

S&P spokesman Dan Grader said: “We’re sorry about the mistake. Yesterday we made a major hiccup by accidentally downgrading the Daily Squib. Apparently one of our operators fell asleep at his terminal for three seconds and accidentally hit the delete key taking off an ‘A’. This person has since been reprimanded and will now be stuck in our mail office sorting letters for the next hundred or so years.”

Evil BP Chief to Star in Hollywood Blockbuster

“We need another English baddie in our next movie and when I saw that English dude who is in charge of BP, I said let’s get this evil S.O.B in and get him to fight against Bruce Willis or who’s that other guy? Yeah, I’m thinking maybe that plank of wood Kevin Costner,” Dan Malnick, senior casting executive for Warners told Hollywood Weekly magazine on Tuesday.

English actors are notoriously cast as the ‘bad guys’ in all Hollywood films, and the CEO of BP is no exception to the rule.

“He’s pretty evil I heard, so he’s perfect for the role. He’s got this plummy English accent and he walks around with his brass balls banging between his legs. We’re currently working on Die Hard 56 so he would be perfect for that. American film
audiences love the English accent and
perceive it as characteristic of someone who
is a sophisticated evil genius, much like Hannibal Lector or Darth
Vader.
” Mr Malnick added.

BP’s chief executive, Tony Hayward was not available for comment today, but was said to be interested in the new job offer because his current job seems to be on slightly dodgy ground at the moment.

UK Sado-Masochists Hail Cameron’s ‘Years of Pain Ahead’ Speech

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“I got goosebumps all over my body when I heard Cameron talking about how much pain we were going to have to go through in the economy and everything. Ooh it was so good I asked Madam Scarlet to whip my buttocks even harder than usual,” QC Rupert Carragon, 67, told the Telegraph from the Westminster dungeon he frequents on Monday afternoons after High Court hearings.

It was certainly a bumper day for the sado-masochists of Britain as they revelled in the painful ruinous words of the PM.

“There will be much hardship ahead. I’ve looked at the figures and let me say, get your begging bowl out and your broth because it’s going to be rag time for all of you. If you’re one of the only ones with a job, get down on your knees now and start praying because we’ll soon take the rug away from your feet as well. There will be terror as we raise interest rates and everyone will have to wear adult nappies when their credit card and mortgage payments come through the letterbox every day. Oh, and it doesn’t end there my good people. We’re raising all taxes again. No biggie, just another 63%,” Mr Cameron said during his speech.

All over the country there were gasps of agony and ecstasy after the speech of doom. Some resorted to self-flagellation to celebrate, others rushed to their S&M clubs to get into their gimp uniforms and be beaten hard with whips.

Max Mosley, the former Formula 1 boss was said to be particularly tickled by the news after watching it on Sky news: “I just turned on the news and saw David Cameron talking about the many years of extreme hardship the population of Britain are going to feel. As soon as I heard that I called up my wonderful playmates who came round to my mansion and gave me a savage hiding. They even drew blood it was that good. Here’s to many wonderful years of pain, hmm, lovely.”

Roseanne Barr Barred From Visiting Guatemala After Causing Disaster

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“She farted and then there was chaos. I saw my dear friend Juan go under into the ground as the cracks appeared. I saw all the animals in the pet store disappear in the dust. She came here for a book signing and everyone who was queuing in the shop all sadly perished, we’re talking about three or four people, god rest their souls. It was a tragedy. I barely got away myself and the smell was so horrendous that I nearly fainted. I am so happy Roseanne has been barred from ever coming here again, she has ruined our lives, it will take many, many years to rebuild,” Alonso Erasmus, a local resident in the Zone 12 Chupa district, told local Guatemalan news La Hora .

The enormous crater appeared in the Central American country’s capital as it was being ravaged by rumbling tremors emanating from Roseanne’s bunghole.


Guatemalan Minister of the Interior, Manolo Coca, told Reuters that after the disastrous gaseous explosion from Roseanne Barr’s arse she would never be allowed to enter the country again.

“She was here on a book signing tour for her new book about hemorrhoids. Instead she caused a national disaster. I have been on the phone to Barack Obama asking for compensation and some kind of aid,” Mr Coca said.

Last year Roseanne Barr caused another gas explosion that damaged a large part of Venice whilst touring the city. She is currently banned from over 34 countries and has now been confined to her Texas ranch where she is regularly burped under controlled conditions by a team of doctors and nurses.

Another Pump and Dump Day at the Markets

“We pump the stocks up with good news, then we get one of our boys to release some juicy info that’s kind of scary, then we dump the shares and commodities. Repeat this a few times a week and you can make some serious profits, especially if you go short and long both ways,” Alan Deano, a Wall Street pit trader told MSNBC.

Pump and dumpers used to use phone calls in the old days but now the internet does all the work for them.

“With the internet you can get news around the world in less than a second. Before, we had to use phone calls to the right people for the news and then by the time it’s printed in the newspapers it’s too f*cking late or the effect is minimal. Now I can clean up by lunchtime. I’ll buy up half of Africa when the stock is dumped, then we start pumping again and again. It’s hard work you know,” Mr Deano added before speeding off in his new Lamborghini.

Israeli PM Says British Mass Murderer Derrick Bird Was Acting in Self-Defence

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“Derrick Bird was acting in self-defence when he murdered 12 bystanders in a sleepy Lake District village. He was acting like our troops and commandos do to civilians every day in Palestine and Gaza as well as International waters. These people who were shot simply existed in this world, therefore they just like the Palestinians, deserved to be shot and killed,” Mr Netanyahu told the Israeli Knesset today.

After his brief speech, the Israeli parliament gave Mr Netanyahu a standing ovation and cheered for approximately eight minutes of sustained applause.

“This guy, who murdered those innocent bystanders going about their daily business in Cumbria, should be given a medal of honour by our Israeli military. He is just like our soldiers who will be honoured with medals for shooting the untermenschen Palestinian scum and peace activists in cold blood,” Mr Netanyahu said to rapturous applause from the Knesset.

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