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Unsocial Networking Sites Popular Now

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“This is f*cking great. I don’t have to mow someone’s farm or get a chicken egg to roost, join someone’s stupid group about terrorist barn owls, or talk to some asshole I used to know at school once,” Rastaf Mueller, 24, an unsocial networking enthusiast told Wired magazine.

The new unsocial networking sites actually celebrate how less your friend count is, which is obviously the exact opposite of social networking sites.

“I used to enjoy collecting so-called friends on social networking sites and at one point I had over 5,400 ‘friends’. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know one person on the site,” Mr Mueller said.

Unsocial networking sites like: Goawaystinkingturd.com, and Leavemealoneyousod.com, and Nomorezuckerburg.com are now all the rage.

“It’s like a breath of fresh unsocial air. I haven’t been asked to social game, download apps, friend people, have marketers trying to sell me stuff I don’t need, keep up with the Joneses or discuss inane mundane subjects that frankly bore me to tears,” Jane Horovitz, 20, another unsocial networking enthusiast revealed.

Daily Squib Tunisian Holiday Giveaway Competition

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Fed up of the daily grind of going back to work after the recent Christmas and New Year break?

The Daily Squib’s Tunisian Getaway promotion comes at the perfect time – just when people are getting back to the gruelling 9-5 hell that is work. Every day until Sunday 27th February, readers can get involved in this great promotion from the Daily Squib.

We will be giving away hundreds of sunny breaks where you can enjoy the solitude of baying mobs, gunfire and Molotov cocktails.

Competition winners will have a choice of three spectacular resorts to choose from:

The Ben Ali Resort – A luxurious Four Star resort set in the hills overlooking the capital city. Amenities include: Daily beatings in the tennis courts, dunking in the swimming pool and flame grilled roasts in the evening. Relax on a sun lounger as the tanks roll by and sip your Pina Colada whilst the riot police descend onto the pool terrace to beat the living shit out of the guests and anyone else who is in the way.

Ali Seriati Resort – Enjoy lavish torture facilities as you are interrogated for three weeks in this solitary confinement five star facility deep in the desert.

The Trabelsi – Once you enter this alluring four star holiday resort, you won’t ever want to leave, or be able to.

Just answer this simple question to win your free three week stay in any of the spectacular resorts:

The ‘Molotov Cocktail’ was named after which person?

a) Richard Nixon

b) Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Molotov

c) Gordon Brown

Send a stamp addressed envelope with your answer to: Daily Squib Tunisia Comp, P.O. Box 3214, TUNIS, Tunisia

London Taxi Cabs On Strike

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“Have you seen the price of hay lately?” Reggie Carbunkle, a taxi driver taking me to Mornington Crescent, tells me disparagingly.

London cabbies are furious at the increase of the price of hay for the horses that pull their taxis, and want the government to do something about it.

“We stopped using petrol years ago because of the price, now it’s the hay they’ve got to. What are we going to bloody do now? My poor nag at home hasn’t eaten for a whole week, and my horse too, poor blighter,” Reggie said before clip clopping off into the distance.

These are the signs of the times. London taxi cabs are now getting ready to strike because the cost of hay is so high and the horses are all going hungry.

Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

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“The Pole to Pole series needed a big injection of life, and that’s when we got the idea to dump the old Python, who frankly bores me to tears, and replace him with Sarah Palin. On her first day on the job, she actually shot and wounded the keygrip whilst wearing a low-cut top exposing her wonderful cleavage and caused a controversy by calling a Russian man a ‘drunk commie bastard’,” Rupert Weasel, producer for the BBC show revealed.

The Pole to Pole series used to involve Michael Palin travelling across the world where he would delight in the different cultures, traditions and religions encountered in the many countries visited.

The new series, however, will involve Sarah Palin practically invading each “tin-pot” country, telling off the locals for not being Americans, and spitting out the local cuisine onto the floor whilst swearing viciously at the attending locals with her potty mouth. She will insult pretty much everyone and display her complete ignorance about any other culture apart from America.

Already, the new Sarah Palin ‘Pole to Pole’ BBC series has had vast interest from the US, and the series is to supercede anything Michael Palin has previously done.

“A lot of Americans have never even been out of their state let alone the country, so they have no interest in Michael Palin seeing the wonders of the world in diverse countries. This is why Sarah Palin’s version will be a breath of fresh air in an already stale format. She won’t even know the name or location of the country we drop her in,” Mr Weasel added.

Sarah Palin’s Pole to Pole series begins in July 2010, on BBC World

World Leaders Hold Emergency Meeting to Save Katie Price Marriage

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“This is a matter of grave importance to the world’s political, economic and social well-being. If their fake publicity-led marriage fails, the whole world could be plunged into complete darkness,” the worried Japanese Prime Minister, Naoto Kan, told reporters.

Some of the assembled world’s politicians who attended the summit included: Dmitry Medvedev, Angela Merkel, Barack Obama and Silvio Berlusconi, who were very concerned for the ailing celebrity couple.

“Even though I wouldn’t mind having a go at the loose fishwife, Katie, myself, I want her to stay with that dumb lug Alex Reid. They are such a cute couple,” the Italian premier, Mr Berlusconi said before jetting off to a brothel in Calabria.

After heated discussions lasting three days, the world leaders hope the Katie Price sham marriage will last forever so that world peace and prosperity for all can continue for decades to come.

Worldwide Mysterious Bird Deaths Finally Solved

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“After much research, we have finally come to the conclusion that Jesus is coming back soon and we are getting very close to the Rapture,” Professor Alex Pendleton, the chief scientist in charge of the emergency study into the bird deaths told Fox News.

According to many of the scholars, Jesus is flying around the earth at thousands of miles per hour waiting for the right time to land and it is because of the immense speed he is flying at that he is colliding with birds who are migrating back up north from their winter retreats in the southern hemisphere. 

The Rapture

Jesus rapture

“Jesus is coming back for the Rapture when all the Christians will be lifted up and taken up to heaven, where they will live in paradise for all of eternity. He is circling the earth right now as we speak and when he lands there will be bright lights and sounds of angels blowing their trumpets and bassoons. If you ain’t a true Christian, you’re shit outta luck though. He’s definitely coming now because of all the troubles in the world. Gays in the military and Obama the Anti-Christ,” Professor Pendleton said.

Christian scholars from the institute previously said that the Rapture was meant to have occurred in 2009 but it was subsequently re-scheduled for 2010, that date did not materialise either, so hopefully 2011 will be the year that Jesus comes back to save the Christians from living on earth.

Radar Tracking Jesus

“We’ve been tracking him circling the earth for weeks now on radar and satellite. We use satellite trackers to see Jesus. He sure flies fast too. I saw him banking over the horizon last night and he zoomed past at about 12,000 km/h. Dang, it was a beautiful sight. He made a great big ‘whooshing’ sound as he flew past. I just got chills down my back and had to get down on my knees right there in the gas station to pray,” Edward Jonestown, another researcher working on the project said. 

Some country folk, however, have sadly tried to shoot Jesus as he strafed their towns in the Midwest.

“We had some boys shooting at him thinkin’ he was an Iraqi attack airplane or the Russians. We had to go over to their trailer and tell them to stop shooting at Jesus. I think he’s bullet proof anyway, but still it’s disrespectful,” Merv Bart, a logger from Deans Creek in Wisconsin told CBS news.

There were also protests from wildlife preservation groups and animal rights activists who decry the fact that Jesus is out there killing birds because he’s flying so fast.

“He saved the birds in the cages in the temple in Jerusalem. So what’s he doing flying around killing all the blackbirds? I’ve reported him to the authorities and PETA,” Anna Bolic, an angry animal rights activist from Utah said.

MP Admits Not Fiddling Expenses

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The member for Trumpingfield Central was due to stand trial at Southwark Crown Court in London for admitting to the serious allegation of not stealing money while being a member of parliament.

“This is an utter disgrace to the profession of a politician in this country. We can’t have such nonsense going on from a member of parliament. It is giving us a bad name,” James Fetherington-Smythe, MP for Dagenham East told a parliamentary hearing yesterday.

The MP allegedly refused to accept a £65,000 bribe and even refused to steal £14,000 for his third property’s mortgage.

Mr Phuckah has since been ostracised by all politicians within Westminster and could even face a lengthy jail sentence if charged.

“He walked into the bar at Westminster last week and no one had the balls to look him in the eye. He just sat there at the bar, waited for a drink that never turned up, then walked out,” a Westminster insider recalled.

The MP for Trumpingfield South will be sentenced later on today.

American Shooting Season Begins Early This Year

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“Every year I put a notch on my calendar telling me when the shooting season is going to begin. This year it started three days early, that’s why I got shot in the leg and am now in the hospital,” Gina kolovic, a resident of Phoenix, Arizona told the Herald Sun newspaper.

All across America, the shootings and massacres have started surprisingly early this year with 24 colleges reporting killing sprees, 320 store shootouts, and over 20,000 random shootouts .

“It’s like hunting season, you gotta have special times for that. If you don’t own a gun, then you gotta know when to stay home and barricade yourself away. The start of shooting season is the most volatile, so you gotta stay down, duck at any loud noises, wear your body armour and helmet,” Julia Dannet, a Phoenix police shooting season adviser announced on Monday.

 

USA night satellite image

 

NASA has even revealed that the start of shooting season in America can be viewed from space.

Arnie Wintergantz, a NASA spokesman said: “We can see the guns going off from space as the shooting sprees start across the country. Because the firearm bursts are so numerous, the light flashes are visible to our imaging satellites. I gotta say folks, it’s a lot safer being in the space station looking down on America then being right there in the war zone.”

A recent victim and survivor of a mass shooting in a Walmart store, Louise Bellatrix, who was shot in the abdomen multiple times, spoke of her despair.

“I had put in my calendar that the shooting season would start next Friday. Well, I was wrong about that. How surprised I was when out buying some last minute Darjeeling for a tea party, the crazed gunman came out of an elevator with an AK-47, two rocket launchers and a dozen grenades. Let’s just say the bodies were waist deep after he finished his shooting season fun.”

Buckingham Palace Reveals Queen's Longevity Secrets

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According to palace consorts and servants recently asked by the Inland Revenue to reveal certain details pertaining to the Queen’s  spending habits, the Queen is somewhat of a powerhouse of excess, hedonism and debauchery.

“She’ll wake up in the morning and have a few toots of the finest snuff from Colombia, and during breakfast will usually have downed up to three glasses of Glenfiddich. By early tea she’s ready for a Knighting or two and some opium, or she will be driven off to an amphetamine pill laden public function. This has been going on for donkeys years,” the Queen’s personal butler and dealer, Robert Bruce, recalled in Hello magazine.

The startling information reveals that the Queen goes through about 4 kgs of cocaine per month.

“It’s her fuel. She’ll be sitting in the Royal carriage and you’ll see her powdering her nose. It takes a lot out of you going to these functions all the time. She does get the shakes though when she’s off the stuff. Much like the Queen mum used to, she’ll get snappy, maybe kick a corgi or two, I’ve seen her whack Charley round the earhole a few times and he’s 62. They still treat him like a little kid, poor beggar, he can’t seem to do anything right. That’s why he’s got that awful stutter,” Mr Bruce revealed.

The details gleaned from Inland Revenue records reveal that the Queen ingests £1.6 million worth of cocaine per annum, as well as £350,000 prime grade opium from Afghanistan. Luckily for the taxpayer, the drugs are all acquired at cut prices because they come from war zones.

Palace aides have also voiced their fears for poor Prince Harry.

“He sees his granny snorting the good stuff and of course he wants some too. One incident I recall on Christmas day involved Harry stealing some of the Queen’s stash. She was absolutely furious and sent him off personally to Mahiki to score some more,” a palace aide said.

'African Americans' Are Not 'Black'

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“I’m not black. My skin does not have any colour. You over there are white, and you over there are brown, and you over there are green, but me, I’m colourless. You can call me an ‘African American’ but I never been to Africa and I can’t even pinpoint it on a world map,” Robert C. Kiddo, an African American Democrat politician said on Capitol Hill today.

America, under the auspices of the collectivist Obama administration, is currently censoring all art, culture and history by eradicating anything pertaining to the mention of blackness.

“It’s our own little socialist ‘Freedom Fries’ moment. We’re de-colourizing black people. From now on there won’t be black people in America. No more Latin words for black either. You all know what the Latin word for black is huh? Well, seeing as Latin is the root of all English, we’re bypassing the very structure of the English language. We want to whitewash the word ‘black’ from all of culture, we want to deny history and physicality, we want to make it so that history never occurred and stay ignorant to our past, however painful or horrendous some parts are. When I look in the mirror I do not see the physical colour of my skin. I completely deny the physics, genetics and intrinsic value of my skin colour,” Mr Kiddo said.

Some detractors who are ‘African American’, however, decry the new socialist un-democratic directives being spouted from Washington.

Joel Simmons, 29, from Atlanta said: “I’m black and proud. This is the colour of my skin. I can read the word ‘nigger’ in Huckleberry Finn and know what the context of that word is. I know what happened in history. I’m not ashamed of my skin colour, this is what I was born with and this is what I will die with. All you PC socialist motherfuckers are actually splitting up people with your ‘African American’ nonsense. You’re creating more divisions, you are also censoring great art and the historic culture of the American people, whether black or white. What are you going to do next, censor the word ‘War’ from ‘War and Peace’ purely because war is kind of unpleasant?”

Washington is also now debating whether to increase the PC drive by including: English Americans, Austrian Americans, Belgian Americans, Bhuttanese Americans, Sri Lankan Americans, Italian Americans, Eurasian Americans, English/German/Scots/Irish Americans, Cuban Americans, Tibetan Americans, Madagascaran Americans, Pacific Americans, South East Asian Americans, French Americans, Chinese Americans, Australian Americans, German Americans, Polynesian Americans, Icelandic Americans, Mexican Americans, Russian Americans, but never just ‘Americans’.