“You know it’s election time when Gordo comes onto ITV and starts to weep like a baby over his tragedies. It was perfect timing, the polls were already sizzling for Labour, so they wanted the extra boost. Gordon’s so confident that he’s even talking about bringing the election forward to next week. Therefore, using one’s own personal grief in such a way for political gain seems to have worked wonders for Gordon Brown,” Dan Henry, an independent campaign watcher told the Labour party’s’ propaganda station, the BBC.

The unelected PM who seeks his first ever election win, has even vowed to ensure that every Briton will get a personal cancer nurse when they get cancer.

“I have vowed to somehow stretch our already bankrupt NHS system, where you cannot even get an appointment to have your blood tested, to give every British person their own cancer nurse. So now, when every Briton is struck down with cancer, you can hope for a long and protracted death under the NHS, albeit with an imaginary nurse looking after you and my mumbling voice on the telly telling you how good things are for you,” Mr Brown said through his tears.

After the television interview, Piers Moron handed back the onion that had fallen on the floor after Mr Brown had got up to leave.

The man is said to have bought his 54-year-old wife the Toyota for her birthday and even encouraged her to get into the vehicle and drive it.

Luckily for his wife, after entering the deadly vehicle she realised it was a Toyota when she touched the accelerator pedal and it shot off like a rocket.

“That little shitbag tried to kill me. I hope they put him in Sing Sing for the rest of his crappy life,” Agnys Demartino, told the local radio station KRCS.

Her husband, Bruno Demartino, was arrested and arraigned until the court case in April.

Asked after his arrest why he tried to do away with his wife, Mr Demartino said: “That old bag has been trying to kill me with her cooking for thirty fuckin’ years!”

Last week, a Dallas woman was arrested after buying her husband’s mistress a brand new Toyota, and in New York, Mafia bosses for the Tagliatelle family even tried to despatch a rival mafia gang boss by presenting him with a brand spanking new Toyota.

Gordon Brown pledged to defeat the Taliban on the battlefield and in
people’s hearts and minds in his opening remarks to the London
Afghanistan conference by introducing a key Labour tactic that has been utilised in Britain successfully already.

“Today our message to the Taliban must be clear,” Mr Brown said.

“We will not tolerate your aggression to our invading force. We will give you all Anti Social Behavioural Orders (ASBO’s).”

On hearing the news, Taliban commanders all across Afghanistan were said to be quaking in their sandals.

“I don’t care much for the Brits and Yanks coming here and trying to shoot at us but by heck, when Gordo said he would give me an ASBO, my turban nearly fell off. What’s next is he going to cut off my disability allowance? He’s got to be stopped by Allah!” Muammar Sheik Caliphate, a Taliban commander from North East Helmand province told the Kabul Daily.