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Italian National Anthem to Include 'Bunga Bunga' Chorus

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Italian National Anthem to Include 'Bunga Bunga' Chorus

 

“Silvio personally ordered the changes himself. He says he wants to leave his mark on the Italian psyche forever. We then brought in the best composers and musicians so we could re-record the piece with the new Bunga Bunga chorus,” Giovanni Anjeli, Mr Berluscon’s fixer-upper told La Stampa.

Italians are firecely proud of their national anthem and as yet have not been told of the changes.

“We are sure there will be some people who do not like to hear the Bunga Bunga in the Canto Italiani but tough luck, there’s nothing they can do about it. Silvio is in charge and if he wants Bunga Bunga he gets it,” Mr Anjeli added.

The chorus will read:

Tessete o fanciulle Bunga Bunga
bandiere e coccarde Bunga Bunga
fan l’alme gagliarde Bunga Bunga
l’invito d’amor Bunga Bunga

The new working of the Italian national anthem will be broadcast next week on Rai Uno, and will be sung by semi-naked starlets, all bedded by Berlusconi himself.

U.S. Main Export of Terror Doing Well Says Hillary Clinton

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U.S. Main Export of Terror Doing Well Says Hillary Clinton

“Regime Change is a nice phrase, but we all know that it’s really ‘state sanctioned terrorism’ backed by the CIA. We’ve been doing it for years and we’re damn good at it. With Egypt, we pretend to back the ruling despot Hosni Mubarak, who we installed in the first place, but we also back militant leaders who want to take over. We did the same in Iraq, Tunisia, Iran and pretty much all of South America,” Mrs Clinton said at a recent press conference.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischner said: “We’re bringing Freedom to the Middle East. You know, on the end of a gun barrel. They now have more Freedom to kill themselves and that can only be a good thing. Remember folks, a dead towel-head is a good thing, and you heard it right from the White House.”

U.S. sanctioned terror has had a colourful history and has been instrumental in bringing terror, murder and mayhem to hundreds of countries worldwide.

“We don’t just export peanut butter and awful sitcoms, we’re experts in creating unrest around the world. We sell these people the weapons, then we start the fire, and then we sit back in our armchairs, break out the popcorn and Schlitz and watch it live on Fox,” Earl Huberstench, a political commentator said on his weekly radio show.

There have been some murmurs and noises from lame duck president Obama, but he’s been more interested in cowering under the desk in his office in the Oval room to do anything of any importance.

“Whenever I go into the Oval room I try and find Barry. I say ‘Hey man where are you?’ then I hear a noise from under his desk. He’s down there, his teeth chattering and he’s scared shitless, he doesn’t know what to do.” Vice President, Joe Biden, told CNN.

Eighties Mobile Phones Now All the Rage

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Eighties Mobile Phones Now All the Rage

Eighties mobile phones are now making a comeback and sales of retro phones are reaching fever pitch, phone companies have revealed.

“I threw away my smart phone yesterday. It was too small, had all this nonsense on it and was way too fiddly. Now I go around with a real mobile phone. It’s like a brick, you can knock people out with this thing,” Ed Masters, a stockbroker at a Wall Street bank said.

“Modern phones are pathetic. I want a phone with fuckin’ balls. I don’t want to fiddle on a blackberry, dingleberry or whatever’s tiny keyboard and then lose the signal, because there ain’t no antennae. Look at this monster. The aerial is huge and I don’t lose a signal. It holds five telephone  numbers. That’s all you need in life, I tell you. As for the battery for this thing, I have to carry it around on a trolley,” Robbie Kantinski, another broker revealed.

News of The World to Offer Subscription Celebrity Hacking Service

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News of The World to Offer Subscription Celebrity Hacking Service

“The News of the World website is subscription only, so I thought we could have the phone hacking on subscription as well. You know, you pay us money and then we’ll hack your phone, then sell the tapes to people who will pay to listen to your private celebrity conversations,” Mr Murdoch said.

Already celebrities, politicians, and Royals are lining up to be bugged and hacked by the News of the World.

“I’m not an attention seeker or anyfink, but I just called the News of the World to hack my phone. I guess I’ve had everything else on my body hacked so why not my phone, innit?” ex-glamour model, Katie Price told the news of the World on her bugged phone.

Speaking from his constituency in Fife, Gordon Brown said: “The News of the World hacked into my phone. How else could they have known that I was an incompetent power mad prescription drug addled buffoon?”

The new hacking subscription service to be launched by Murdoch’s company will ensure that the public will have fresh supplies of filthy news scandals on their front pages forever.

"Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!"

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"Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!"

Like rats from a sinking ship, top bankers and businesses are abandoning the UK as it slowly sinks into the debt-ridden mire caused partly by the useless Coalition government’s economic mistakes that will ensure we all go back to the stone age soon.

“Old Georgey Osborne, he just got back from Klosters and increased tax to such a rate that the destitute people are well and truly fucked. There’s no way out now but down the sink hole,” a businessman who dumped his business of 35 years to leave the UK said yesterday.

How about stimulating growth by decreasing tax, therefore increasing enterprise in the UK? Fat chance!

“Fuel duty and tax is now 85% of the price. Income tax is now so high that one has to work for six months of the year before you start making any money for yourself. The NHS is crumbling. VAT has risen to 20% on everything. Council Tax is increasing daily, and pensions will now be worthless as the FTSE 100 is set to sink into the mire like the GBP is doing right now. Food costs are now criminal, and if you’ve even got a job left, your salary won’t buy much anyway,” another businessman said before boarding another aeroplane out of Britain yesterday.

The mass exodus of enterprise, business, banking sector workers and non-doms will take its toll as even more inhibitive taxes are unveiled by the meddling Coalition government, who have shown themselves to be rank amateurs when it comes to economics.

Speaking at a Commons question time session yesterday, Chancellor George Osborne said: “I intend to stimulate growth in the UK economy by increasing taxation to such a level that the UK grinds to a complete halt and all the businesses leave our shattered economy and country permanently.”

Gordon Brown was shit but this is even worse. Wait till they start increasing the interest rates to try and curb inflation.

Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

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Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

Contrary to rumours circulating around the internet, this is not a hoax.

NASA confirmed on Friday that the two Hollywood producers, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, are close to completing the rocket ship that will propel them to a safe habitable planet prior to the upcoming apocalypse in 2012.

“They’re not taking chances here. They know for sure what the Mayans wrote about, and they got a bucket load of money and told us to build ’em a space ship. They’re also going to take a few rolls of film so they can still make movies from the new planet. If the earth is still there after the apocalypse, they plan to transmit the movies from their new planet so the few surviving people on earth can at least have some good entertainment. But we told ’em that there might not be electricity on earth after the apocalypse. They still want to make movies though, they’re so dedicated to their art,” the NASA spokesman, Ian Merrick, told CNN.

The Star Wars Voyager space rocket will take about 45 years to reach the new planet’s orbit. There will be no end of entertainment on board with spacious compartments where films will be shown, a games room with pool tables and retro arcade games will also grace the craft.

“We’re even going to have a swimming pool installed so that the producers and their families can enjoy themselves whilst hurtling towards the KV673 system,” an engineer working on the project divulged.

No one has explained, however, how the swimming pool will function in zero gravity conditions on board the luxury space rocket.

The space ship will also carry about 350 tonnes of gold bullion, only a fifth of what the two producers are worth.

“We’re taking some pocket change in case we have to barter with aliens or whatever is out there. I feel kind of short changed though because I’m leaving the majority of my fortune behind on the doomed earth, but when it’s your life or riches, I choose life,” Mr Spielberg joked at a recent screening session in Studio City.

Miliband Gets Some Balls

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Miliband Gets Some Balls

He may have x-ray eyes and a death stare that makes Medusa look like a rank amateur but Ed Miliband, unfortunately, doesn’t have any balls. That is until now.

Luckily for Ed Miliband and dangerous Rottweiler Ed Balls, the former shadow chancellor, Alan Johnson, has been retired after his wife was discovered being interrogated by an errant policeman a little too intimately, regularly dipping his accoutrements deep into the politician’s Trouble and Strife — in fact, the randy constable porked the gasping woman within an inch of her life, sometimes three or four times a day.

“This is a very sorry state of affairs. Whilst poor old Johnson was trying to be a politician, his wife was being porked by a policeman, and now the poor sod has lost his job to Balls. What a load of swinging dangly bits that is. I feel for the poor chap,” a Tory politician said yesterday in the Commons, before bursting out in fits of guffawing laughter.

When Uncle Hu Visited Washington

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When Uncle Hu Visited Washington

“There’s really nothing to see here, Uncle Hu was just visiting to say Hi and to see how the business he bought is doing? He also wanted to know how the Soviet integration in the U.S. was going. I showed him that the U.S. is working well for China and that Uncle Hu’s purchase was under control,” Barack Obama said at the White House Oval Room.

Since China purchased the U.S. last year at a very competitive price, China’s portfolio of acquisitions has increased remarkably.

Mr Hu said at a recent conference: “Not only have we purchased large swathes of Europe, but we now own most of America too. We made so much money manufacturing cheap plastic trinkets for you suckers that we don’t know what else to buy. Hey, maybe Australia might be next on the list, or how about those fathead Japanese who are in so much debt?”

After the photo call in the Oval Room, President Barack Obama was seen bowing so low to Uncle Hu that he practically kissed his shoes.

Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

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Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

Gordon Brown will warn today that the world faces economic and social turmoil of “epidemic proportions”, as he urges joint action by the G20 group of developed and developing nations to tackle rising joblessness, economic turmoil and disaster caused by his policies when he was Labour leader and Chancellor.

“The Gordon Brown Disaster”

During a speech in London, the former prime minister will call for all current world leaders to take the lead in trying to fix the massive global and national social economic disaster created by his tenure in government that is currently plaguing the world.

“It was because of my boom and bust policies, total wastage of resources, ridiculous spending sprees on tin-pot ideas and utter disregard for the general population or future generations, that we are in this utter mess right now. This is why I urge all current leaders to try and fix the total destruction the Labour party under my direction has created worldwide and internally in Britain,” Brown will say in the Ted Kennedy/John Harvard memorial lecture.

With some market analysts predicting that there is no hope left in the UK and it will edge closer to the precipice of total destruction soon, the former prime minister will say: “You guys fix it. It was my mess, but I got out, now you fuckers can fix it.”

Brown will add: “I claimed to have fixed the world’s economy over four times already when I was in mid destruction mode. Of course that was a big lie. Everyone’s in the shit and we don’t have any money. That’s because I spent it all and now it’s all bloody gone.”

Brown will also say that the G20 will have to make action on getting him another job.

“No one in their right mind would want to employ me ever again. Not after what I’ve done, but I’m sure I’ll soon be on the money circuit like that other pariah, Tony,” he will add.

Mr Brown is set to receive about £120 for his two hour speech, which is a far cry from the £75,000 Tony Blair commands per 45 minute speaking session to rich American businessmen.

Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

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Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

“We Americans adore Gervais since he’s moved here. Hell, we like him so much, we reckon he should present for the Oscars too. People think us narcissistic Hollywood types are stuck up our own arses with no sense of humour. He’s shown us the delights of British humour, and we’ve been eating it up with gusto,” Hollywood mogul, Dino Schwartz, told the LA Times.

Such is the aura of praise for Gervais, that many Hollywood stars gush over the mere mention of his name.

“Ricky Gervais? You mean the British guy? Well, I have to say, usually we don’t understand a frickin’ word he says anyway. It’s like some different kind of language. Americans also don’t understand intricate humour or subtlety either, so that’s why he had to be as blunt as he was tonight — he has to spell things out until we Yanks understand him,” one of the stars at the event explained.

Tom Cruise, who attended with his wife, was all praise for the comedian: “Just before I got here for the awards, I was in my walk-in closet pondering what tie I should put on, and I thought to myself, this is going to be one hell of an evening with that English guy, Gervais. I wanted to impress him with my Scatology cult styles, so I chose the one with the rainbow on it.”

Another Golden Globe attendee said: “Some people say that us Yanks don’t have much of a sense of humour. Well after tonight, that Limey bastard, Gervais, might just find his feet in a fuckin’ concrete block right before he takes a long walk off a short pier,” top Hollywood producer, Cohen Katzengoldberger, shouted angrily before speeding off in his Ferrari.

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