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Michael Moore Eats Own Money

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“For breakfast I might eat $10,000 in raw cash, then for lunch, maybe $30,000 and by dinner I like to tuck down to at least $60,000,” Mr Moore revealed to American talk show host, Jon Stewart.

His voracious appetite for hard cash is legendary and sometimes he is seen snacking on thousand dollar bills in the Manhattan streets and cafes.

“Yeah, sometimes Michael comes in here. He’ll order half the menu, then we watch as he sticks a few thousand dollar bills on the rye bread or omelette. He scoffs that shit down and you should see the look of happiness on his face. He gets a real capitalist thrill out of it,” Jonty Mancuso, a diner owner on 43rd Street told CNN.

Michael Moore’s films have made so much cash denigrating capitalism that he even uses it as toilet paper.

“I had a nice cash shit today in the bowl. It was a capitalist bowl, and while I was doing it, I was drinking champagne, that’s what a good socialist I am,” Mr Moore quipped as he took another wad of thousand dollar bills to wipe his enormous arsehole with.

Former Sports Presenter Andy Gray Spotted Walking in Park

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“He’s been distraught since he lost the top job at Sky. Now he spends his days moping around the park, maybe swinging from a few trees and playing with old tires hanging on a rope,” his keeper, Michelle Swanley told Sky news.

Spectators at the park are always commenting on how entertaining Gray is to watch.

“He’ll sniff the air if he sees some women around, then beat his chest wildly whooping loudly. You have to watch out because he gets a bit excited sometimes and he likes to spray the area; and anyone who’s in the way always gets splattered,” Jenny Linesman, a regular at the park revealed.

Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs On Run Again After Bank Robbery

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“This time he robbed a bank in Stepney, East London. He was last seen going towards Bethnal Green on a mobility scooter. If anyone encounters this notorious criminal, you must report his whereabouts to the Met Police immediately, but do not try to apprehend him yourself. He is extremely dangerous,” DCI Hibbleswaide, told Crimewatch UK last night.

Ronald Arthur “Ronnie” Biggs is best known for his role in the Great Train Robbery of 1963, for his escape from prison in 1965, for living as a fugitive for 36 years and for his various publicity stunts while in exile. In 2001, he voluntarily returned to Britain and spent several years in prison, where his health rapidly declined. On 6 August 2009, Biggs was released from prison on compassionate grounds. He was assumed to be ‘harmless’ by the authorities until yesterday when he robbed another bank.

Witnesses at the HSBC branch in Stepney said they saw Mr. Biggs, 81, rush into the bank at speeds of upto 2 mph whilst still on his mobility scooter. He then proceeded to tell all the cashiers and customers to get on the floor face down or get a “good whacking from my stick.”

“He came in like a bat out of hell. He had a wooden stick and he started to wave this thing around as if it was a tennis racket, so we got down sharpish. The cashiers handed over the money and he was gone in a flash. He smashed through one of the doors on the way out with his little scooter,” Jane Dibbner, 37, one of the terrified witnesses recalled.

HSBC bank has declined to reveal the amount of cash that was stolen, but some say it could be in the thousands.

Underworld sources have revealed that Mr. Biggs has been itching for one last heist before he pops his clogs.

Egyptian Fashion Week Displays Some Trendy Hats

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“This hat season has certainly been interesting. We have seen some fabulous creations all handcrafted and displaying wonderful styles that may even make it to Paris and Milan,” Andre Artudo, fashion correspondent for Al Jazeera reported.

Many of the hat designers are all keen to show off their wares and have toiled long and hard to create the new look that is rocking the casbah.

“I made my hat out of some bread rolls and cellophane. It protects you from the sun somewhat and is reasonably functional, although this piece of rock I have wedged  deep in my cranium gives away the fact that it’s not so good at protecting from falling rocks,” Abdul Karim, 43, one of the hat designers displaying their creations at the show said before being stretchered away.

Another designer said: “My fashion studio is just a stones throw away from Tahrir square where we show off our lovely hats. This year we got our rocks off with our crazy hats, don’t you think?”

Paris Hilton Converts to Islam

“She has been toying with the idea for quite a while now and when she was imprisoned at Century Regional Detention Facility in 2007,  she encountered a few people who had already converted,” Mr Brinkham said.

By converting to the Muslim faith, Paris Hilton has decided to shun her old life as a celebrity skank.

Speaking from an Islamic study retreat in Jeddah, she said: “I have now found total peace in my life. Before, I used to be known as an STD-ridden streetwalker , a ‘hoe’ and a person of loose morals, but now, things have changed. Allah be praised.”

Hollywood Jihad

Ms Hilton plans to return to Los Angeles next week to start her own Islamic school in the middle of Beverly Hills.

“Forget Scientology or Kaballah. This is the religion to be in now. I’m not going to be wearing a piece of red string on my wrist or walk around like a robot talking to Xenu. Islam is the new must-have religion. and I’m going to spread the word of the Koran to everyone,” an excited Paris Hilton said.

Paris Hilton also plans to change her name to ‘Tahirah’ which means ‘Pure, chaste’ in Arabic. Her Islamic school will open in July and is set to become a popular Hollywood spiritual haunt for many celebrities.

Charlie Sheen Tries to Snort Diner’s Dandruff

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Patron’s of Henry’s Deli desperately tried to assist the man after the vicious attack on his toupee by wayward former actor Charlie Sheen.

They immediately called 911 and a dispatch of seventeen police cars arrived in less than three minutes.

“The Police had to literally drag Mr Sheen off the 78-year-old’s head. Poor old bastard was just sitting there eating his mush, and I saw Charlie Sheen jump on the critter like he was a wild animal or something and start snorting his fuckin’ head,” one of the owners of the world famous deli, Ernie Azoff, told the LA Times.

“It’s a good thing I fought in the war. This guy came at me like a Jap at Iwo Jima. He had wild eyes and he was snorting like some kind of greedy piggy. I was eating my mashed potato which I come in here to eat everyday because I ain’t got no teeth, I just bought this toupee yesterday too, damn it,” Sam Woodie, the victim of the whole sorry affair revealed.

Mr Sheen was taken to a secure facility and will have to be sedated with tranquilisers until he is capable of being interviewed by police investigators later today, the LAPD has revealed.

Mubarak Could Be Mummified Egyptians Claim

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Professor Bin Ali at Cairo’s world famous museum said: “I have been consulted by many protesters about the process of mummification. They want me to supervise them when they finally catch Mubarak.”

Some protesters were however not so happy about the mummification proposals and voiced their anger.

“Mummification means that the body is preserved. F*ck that for a laugh, we don’t want Hosni preserved, we want the idiot to disappear,” Jallilli bin Abdul Ginsters Mahmoudi, a resident of Cairo told Al Jazeera news.

As the daily riots and lawless anarchy continues in the beleaguered country, political commentators are also claiming that Hosni Mubarak may be getting help from ex-prime minister, Gordon Brown.

“Certainly we think that Gordon Brown has been on the phone to this guy Mubarak. He’s been giving him tips on how to hold onto his unelected position of power,” Mohamed Fandango, an opposition party member told the BBC.

Tech Companies to Airdrop Gadgets onto Lost Amazonian Tribe

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The Amazonian tribe are believed to be the long lost Ifon tribe, and their their community has never had any contact from outsiders.

“It is crucial that this long lost tribe are integrated into the modern world immediately. This is why we have consulted the world’s tech companies to give us their gadgets so that we can airdrop their products onto the lost tribe’s village.” President Alan García said at a press conference on Tuesday.

The gadget laden package will be dropped by a cargo plane from 8,000 feet and the essential supplies should ensure the tribal members will enter the 21st century with an electronic smile.

“Soon we’ll have these Indians twittering, facebooking, talking on their iphones and comparing notes on their ipads. The amount of gadgets we have packed into the container is astounding. We also have 3D HD TVs, Blueray DVDs and playstations galore. I want to see their faces when they take these amazing gadgets into their straw shacks, jump into their hammocks and get texting,” Arthur Conan Boyle, CEO for Blueberry revealed in Tech Soup magazine.

Met Police War Criminal Hotspot Website Reveals Tony Blair's House

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Speaking from the Met’s head quarters at Scotland Yard, the man in charge of the operation, DCI Headwind, said: “We have reason to believe that a number of war criminals are living in London and that is why we have published the information on our new War Criminal Hotspots website. As you may already know, the kingpin of all war criminals, Tony Blair, is living in a massive mansion in Connaught Square, of which we have published the aforesaid address on the internet. Members of the public may peruse the whereabouts of this man and may see if he lives near their place of abode. This is the purpose of the new website launched by the police force today.”

After the website was launched, there was such a huge amount of web traffic to the site that the servers were shut down momentarily.

“I wanted to see if Blair, the war criminal, lived near me. No one wants a bloody war criminal living near their house do they? I live out in Tottenham so I’m safe, although the regular crime here is so intense sometimes that one needs a bulletproof vest just to go to the offie,” Alf Newham, 58, told the BBC.

Americans Not Fooled by Moron

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“The Brits tried to ship this guy over from the UK but we don’t want him. He’s a smarmy limey and he ain’t gonna last. Bring back Larry all the way. This guy sucks shit! He’s worse than that British Petroleum CEO and that’s saying something.”

Moron’s ratings disaster in America should ensure that he will be on a boat back to England soon, but many are angry that this calamitous scenario could really play out.

“He should stay in America. Let them suffer the slimy swine,” an angry British TV viewer opined.

If Piers Moron threatens to come back to the UK’s shores after he is shown the door, many have vowed to throw their TVs away and discontinue paying their licenses.

“Every time he comes on the screen I throw things at the telly. Don’t care if it’s my dog, my wife or my cat. I can’t stand looking at his smarmy face on every show. I just want to punch the disgusting smirk off his face,” Gerald Potts, 67, a retired postman told the BBC.