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Obama’s Job is Done

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“He has done more damage to the USA than even Bush and that’s saying something. I have to say though, he’s achieved what he was put in place for, as was Bush. Obama’s job was to take America into the quagmire further and he has done a stellar job of it. One must realise that for the introduction of a true world government and new world order, America cannot exist in its present form. This is why it has to be broken up, so that the new world government can take full control. Of course, we have countries like Afghanistan, Iran which are still slightly out of the world order, but this is why we are conducting special operations within these countries to bring these rogue states under our control. As for America, a wasteful country like that can never be allowed to happen again, it must never be allowed to exist again. Obama has done a very good job for his masters and this is why we, his controllers, commend his wonderful work,” a Brussels politician told the Novus Ordo newspaper yesterday.

Obama’s attack on American civil liberties; increasing of troop numbers in war zones; health care reform; bogus stimulus drives and wasteful budget are all great ways of restricting America’s strength.

“Every day they spend trillions of dollars they don’t have and print more paper money knowing very well that this will contribute to America’s destruction as an economic force. There does not have to be a traditionally violent takeover, this will be a peaceful destruction with a pliant American people too busy playing with electronic gadgets and watching brain dead American entertainment programs to realise what is going on. Once the full extent of the destruction is discovered by the people, it will be too late. China and the UN will just walk in and takeover. Expect checkpoints, food shortages, and the slow whittling down of the population. The post-consumerist age dictates that technology has finally come to a stage where the consumer is not required to service the elite. Slavery will be mechanized therefore making the consumer redundant, an aged model that will be phased out and erased from history,” another EU official disclosed.

Soon, the storm troopers will be knocking on your door, instead of some poor defenceless Arab’s, to ransack your home and take away your guns. This is the reality of America’s future, where the fourth amendment and constitution will be trampled on, and consigned to the dustbin of history.

This is why Barack Hussein Obama and his handlers are doing what they are doing to the economy now. This is why Lehman Brothers were paid off and given a show grilling as a form of public theatre. This is why nutrients from human food are being systematically removed from the food chain and replaced by genetically modified material. This is why your travel is being restricted. This is why you will read this, then go back to your mundane Facebook page and forget about everything.

New ‘Call of Duty’ Is Most Realistic Version Yet

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“This is the most realistic game ever. I turned up at the enlistment office at 7am sharp. Then I had two enlisting agents tell me that this would be the best decision of my life. I would be able to see the world, have fun and shoot people. I just thought, hell, where do I sign up? The graphics for this game were so realistic as I signed on the dotted line. I had now signed away my soul, body and mind away to Uncle Sam. Next thing I know I was doing 50 pressups on the ground at revelry with a Sergeant shouting at me. I’m being shipped off to Afghanistan next week after basic training is over,” Andy Gomer Pyle, an ex-game software reviewer told the top industry magazine Plink.

All over America, kids are buying into the game by visiting an enlistment office in their area and joining ‘Call of Duty’.

“When it comes to graphics and in-game effects, this beats anything on the PS3 or X Box. I mean, one minute I was just a kid from an everyday suburb in Philly, the next I was shooting someone I never met before in the face because they wore a rag on their head. Man, it was like a dream come true,” Pfc Brad Kozlowski, who lost both legs, an arm, his testicles and an eyeball in an IED attack in Ocober told CBS.

Bush Still Receiving Orders From Cheney

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“As soon as Dubya wakes up in the morning, he checks his phone messages to see what he’s got to do that day. Dick will tell Dubya that he needs to get the lawn mowed and go play golf with Rummy at 3pm. Then he might tell him that he needs to get a book for the new library he’s opening. He needs to choose a book with pages in it and writings,” Laura Bush told women’s magazine, Home and the Heart.

Mr Bush still can’t get his head around the issue that he has to think for himself, some old Pentagon cronies disclosed.

“Yesterday we met for a coffee at Starbucks. Well, Dubya had to call Cheney to ask him which coffee to drink. Then he asked Cheney’s permission whether he could go to the restroom to shake George Junior for a whizz. I don’t know if he has to phone Dick when he’s in bed with Laura, but I can see that kind of thing happening? He might need advice on what to do,” Herb Straznik, a retired CIA torturer from Bush’s reign told Fox News.

Jobless Scrounger Hits Jackpot After Eight Year Wait

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“It’s like winning the lottery after digging for eight long years. I’ve struck gold, innit. Look at all the fakkin’ jewels, it’s fallin’ all over the place. Soon I’ll ‘ave a big bloomin’ crown on me bonce. I’ll be the pearly queen of Buckingham Palace,” the future Mrs Windsor Middleton told the Sun.

Looks like Ian Duncan Smith’s initiatives to get the workshy to do some work has finally paid off with Kate Middleton. Soon she’ll be working like a horse down a coal mine in the Windsor bed serving up some fine taxpayer funded sprogs for the new Windsor lineup.

All over Britain, there were celebrations at the wonderful news that Waity Katie had finally struck gold.

Doris Mableswith, 59, from Billingsgate Market said: “This is the ‘appiest day of my life. Wills has gone and got engaged to one of us now, a mere commoner. Soon they’ll be serving up bubble and squeak at the palace functions, how about some jellied eels? I’m so happy that the snooty Royals have finally come to our level.”

Kate Middleton, is set to be the real ‘people’s princess’ because of her lineage. Unlike the late princess Diana, who came from a pedigree bloodline, Kate seems to be from a much more colourful ancestral line.

Kate Middleton last night said a few words before being whisked away in a horse drawn carriage to Windsor castle: “I want to thank my mother, Carole, because if it wasn’t for her pushing so incessantly, I would not be in this lottery winning situation right now.”

IMF Needs Emergency Bailout

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“We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die!” Mr Strauss-Kahn yelped as he looked at the figures again.

With Greece and its 144pc of GDP debt threatening a debt-compound trap; Ireland, Portugal, Spain and Italy faltering, where is the money going to come from? How many bailouts can there be?

Contagion

“This is like a big Ponzi scheme crashing to the ground. The EU was always a very precarious stack of cards and all it took was a slight wind to blow the whole house down. We can’t bail everyone out. Who the f*ck’s going to bail us – the IMF – out?” Mr Strauss-Kahn muttered as he cried into his sodden newspaper.

Thanks to the likes of John Major, who refused pointblank to join the doomed euro single currency in the 1990’s, the UK is thankfully not using the cursed euro. If he had capitulated, the UK would be in the same dire mess the PIIGS and the rich European countries, who won’t be rich for much longer.

As the euro currency is slowly flushed down the toilet bowl of history, hopefully so will the European union with its unelected bureaucrats be flushed into the stinking sewer where they belong. Good riddance, bon débarras!

I'm A Celebrity X-Factor Dancing Britain's Got Big Master Brother Chef Talent

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The new show called “I’m A Celebrity X-Factor Dancing Britain’s Got Big Master Brother Chef Talent” will be aired on all terrestrial, digital and satellite channels simultaneously 24 hrs a day for the next thirty or forty years, TV executives excitedly revealed yesterday.

“This new show will have stuff on there that you’ve always seen before. You will not have any choice but to watch the new show because there will not be anything else on any channels ever again,” Jon Winnit, an executive for ITV4 revealed to Media Week.

The new format will include a list of celebrities who no one has ever heard of and other churned up celebrity has-been meat that needs a fourth attempt at reality stardom and a new agent.

“When it comes to entertainment, this show is going to be the dogs bollocks. You’ll never want to leave your home ever again, let alone your f*cking sofa. Forget about working or thinking about how you’re going to pay the mortgage, just watch the telly and shut the f*ck up,” Mr Winnit added.

U.S. to Mint Weimar Republic Dollars

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“During the recently announced Quantitative Easing program, we have decided to redesign the dollar forever. Because of the accelerated hyperinflation that will occur after the economy is flooded with dollars, the banknotes will reflect the Weimar Republic of Germany in the 1920’s as a symbol of what is to come.

“We will soon see people going to the shops with suitcases of dollars to buy everyday groceries, we will see queues stretching for miles at the soup kitchens, we will see many zeroes on the end of price tags for everyday goods. This will be the reality of the American Weimar economy,” Timothy Franz Geithner, who is of German descent, told the Economist magazine.

From next month, there will be no more Washington or Franklin, but instead a Weimar Republic note which will start in the billions and end in the trillion dollar denomination.

Each billion dollar note will be worth about 10 Yuan according to top economists consulted during the mass QE program that is currently under way.

Woman With Chastity Belt Refused Entry Into America

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Denver airport TSA officials who tried to conduct an intimate pat-down on the woman when she refused a full-body x-ray scan, were baffled when they came across the vintage Victorian metal body hugging piece on the woman’s body.

Refused entry

“We were just about to get stuck into this woman when out of nowhere I found a big metal thing over her crotch area. I called over my supervisor, who asked the woman for the key so that we could find what she’s hiding away in there. Dang, it must be pretty precious for her to lock it away like that,” Arl Humperdinck, a TSA official told Fox News.

The woman who refused to unlock her chastity belt was later detained until further investigation and refused entry into the US.

Obama Wins Second Nobel Peace Prize

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We thought we’d give him another Nobel Peace Prize, because he’s still there. He’s alive and well, hasn’t bought the farm, no rednecks been at him. For us that’s a big enough deal, right there,” Jens Kappa Unninson, the Nobel Peace Prize’s president told Norway’s premier newspaper, Aftenposten.

Naturally, President Obama, was pleased to be awarded another Nobel Peace Prize and will fly to Oslo to collect it in December.

“In this time of hardship, the president is very happy to receive another Nobel Peace Prize. He will accept the prize with gratitude and would like to thank the Nobel board for believing in his policies of Hope and Change,” Moshe Liebowitz, the White House’s spokesman told CNN.

Daily Squib Office Party Ruined by Pontins Closure

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“People were visibly weeping in the Squib building, and the editor locked himself in his room all day throwing furniture around. It has been a terrible time for us, we were so looking forward to going down to Pontins for our Christmas party,” sub editor, Mike Hunt, said whilst weeping into a soiled handkerchief.

Pontins, which as a British tradition, is famous for its cockroaches, vomit stained bed sheets, fecal matter smeared walls and nasty attitude from the staff.

“That was the charm of the place. You go there, get totally blootered, then relax in your flea infested mouldy room. You can only go to that place when drunk out of your f*cking mind, if you’re ever sober, that’s when it gets really bad. Imagine waking up sober in someone else’s vomit with cockroaches all over your face? You’d be distraught if you weren’t drunk,” Alan Titmunch, one of the Squib’s features writers said.

“Pontins is the only place where you have to wipe your feet on the way out of their chalets,” another Squib writer quipped.