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Flying to America? Get Ready for Full-Body Scanners and Internal Body Searches

by Areoli Matsvah
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8
Flying to America? Get Ready for Full-Body Scanners and Internal Body Searches

Americans sure don’t do thing in halves, do they? If you’re travelling to America any time soon, be sure to give your internal cavities a good wash because you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of everyone when they search you. Unpleasant smells from your crotch area can be offensive to the brute TSA official searching your rectum or vagina, therefore hygiene is an essential must-do.

Be prepared for invasive pat-downs, especially for women being searched by some 6-foot thug armed with a big smile and wandering hands. Unless you enjoy having your breasts rubbed hard by a man you’ve never met in your life before, maybe travel elsewhere this year.

If that’s not bad enough, don’t forget that you will also be required to go through an American x-ray machine called a body scanner. This will ensure that you will have every minute part of your anatomy displayed to the authorities, and also get a nice dose of radiation for your troubles as well.

“I am required to travel to America at least ten times a year. I am only 24 years old, therefore I calculate, I should get full-blown lymphatic cancer by the age of 30,” a recent business traveller from Italy told the Rai Uno
channel.

A man is told to leave the airport after refusing to be genitally groped

 

What of the flight crews and pilots who have to endure the horror of travelling to America on a regular basis? Well, according to many airlines, the crews just have to grin and bear it.

“It’s all part of the job. We’re abused by the passengers in the air, and the TSA authorities on the ground. We’re all going to get some cancer related illness sooner or later from the x-ray machines and the groping is all part of the job now. There are even training days on how to take the news that you have cancer, and how to deal with TSA officials sticking their arms half way up your rectum,” Janine Fulworth, a flight attendant for British Airways told the BBC.

Bon Voyage..

Have You Seen This man?

by Areoli Matsvah
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0
Have You Seen This man?

The Daily Squib is offering a £10.00 reward for information leading to the the arrest and prosecution of the thug involved in the throwing of the fire extinguisher from the roof of CCHQ on Wednesday.

If anyone knows who this person is and would like to collect £10.00 for their troubles, please phone our dedicated phone line at 08989 193434 (calls will be charged at £6.50 per minute).

The fire extinguisher that was tossed from the roof narrowly missed a Con Dem politician who had just arrived at the towers for an all expenses paid slap up meal and a brief discussion on how to reduce the massive budget deficit created by the previous government.

Someone out there knows who was responsible and the Squib hopes they have a conscience – phone 08989 193434 now.

University Freshers’ Ball Gets Off to Spanking Start

by Areoli Matsvah
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1
University Freshers’ Ball Gets Off to Spanking Start

When it comes to Freshers’ Balls, this year, the gonads were swinging with gusto. Forget about black ties and dresses, how about cammo and balaclavas? How about a smattering of agent provocateur inserted into the middle class majority to spike things up a notch? How about some nice headlines on TV which you can send back to mummy and daddy in their nice semi in Putney? It was like the Bullingdon Club came home to roost.

“Fuck lectures! This has been the best Freshers’ Ball I’ve ever been too. Look over there, those aren’t marshmallows roasting on the fire but copper’s bollocks,” Alan Trent-Jones, 21, from Oxford University told the BBC.

Indeed, this year’s Freshers Ball enjoyed a pretty sizeable turnout with just over 50,000 students turning up to have some much needed fun.

“Finally the UK got some fucking balls. We turned up the barometer a bit just like our Gallic cousins do on a regular basis. For too long the Brits have been bent over a table and fucked up the arse by the two-faced, hypocritical governing classes. This time, we thought we’d show ’em what we’re thinking,” another student from Leicester Uni. said.

Naturally, the police had a great time too.

“This was a great opportunity for us to show that we need more funding and not cuts. That’s why we just had a few personnel there, who either ran away when the party kicked off, or just stood by. Of course, they were under orders to let the students and agent provocateurs have their fun,” one of the policemen overseeing the operation told the Mirror.

Britain's First Face Transplant Hailed a Success

by Areoli Matsvah
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0
Britain's First Face Transplant Hailed a Success

“This has been an absolutely astounding piece of work. We successfully completed the complicated surgery after many months, even years of preparation,” chief surgeon, Dr Tory Benn, revealed from the Royal Gloucestershire Hospital in Piccadilly.

Eleven surgeons performed the 28-hour operation, which leaves the person able to perform similar tasks to the owner of the previous face.

Dr Benn said the operation was the most complex transplant completed to date. Surgeons had to incorporate politics, charisma, lies and bullshit from a man who had recently had an unfortunate accident in government. 

“It’s incredible, they both function in the exact same way but with different faces,” a bemused member of the public said..

"How The Internet Ruined My Life" by WikiLeaks Boss

by Areoli Matsvah
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2

“I have this irresistible urge to leak all over the World Wide Web. Sometimes, I have to be locked away from an internet connection. Please, I need help, my leaking is getting out of hand,” Mr Assange told Wired magazine.

The WikiLeaks boss is so dedicated to leaking that he is permanently glued to the internet via a special internet goggles headset. He is so engrossed in his leaking activities that he sometimes does not even have time to eat or pass bodily functions for days at a time.

His long suffering girlfriend, Matilda Huberstinka, speaks about Assange’s ailing condition: “Julian doesn’t sleep but leaks all through the night, then if he hears something from a military or CIA source, his leaking gets more pronounced. Sometimes I try to feed him Twinkies or M&M’s through a makeshift tube linked to his quivering mouth, sometimes I put a few shrimps on the barbie and he eats those. I get to change his nappies three or four times a day because his constant leaking means he doesn’t do conventional bathroom breaks. We also have to keep moving, from motel to motel, which can be a problem too. If the American government gets wind of where we’re staying, then we soon get these sinister looking assholes in grey suits turning up. You ever tried to change a grown man’s nappy whilst being pursued by crazed secret servicemen on a mission to bust you for leaking the truth.”

No doubt, Mr Assange’s brave leaking is a breath of fresh air in a world where the media is so tightly controlled by governments worldwide, so in this respect, Mr Assange should be commended for his dutiful role as the world’s foremost leaker extraordinaire.

Waterboarding to be Introduced For Olympics

by Areoli Matsvah
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1
Waterboarding to be Introduced For Olympics

Jacques Rogge, the president of the International Olympics Committee has revealed plans to include the new waterboarding sport into the games, which will be held in London, England in 2012.

“In an age of terror and torture, why not include this wonderful endurance sport into the roster of established sports? It is a sign of our times, a symbol of where our civilisation has got to. The Olympics should be for everyone, even the tortured.”

IOC officials have already outlined the rules of the new sport and will hold a small waterboarding presentation next week at Stratford’s main athletic venue.

“If the athlete can survive for more than three minutes without choking to death, then that’s a gold medal. Obviously, in this sport, getting the silver or bronze medal is a serious downer because the participants are probably dead,” John Suffkate, the IOC’s sport development officer told the BBC.

Fed Pumping Economy Like Crazy

by Areoli Matsvah
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0
Fed Pumping Economy Like Crazy

Bernanke, the Fed Chairman, has straddled the U.S. economy from behind and stormed the trenches for all his worth.

“He’s shooting cash into the economy. He grabbed it by its haunches and started pumping like a dog on heat. Hopefully, the cash explosion is going to splatter the honey pot and some seeds of growth are going to spurt wildly all over the big cash depository. You see folks, the economy is like a woman who hasn’t been donut creamed for a very, very long time. We need to get back in there balls deep and smack away until she starts up her engines again. Soon, we’ll have her purring like a kitten — you’ll see!” U.S. Fed. spokesman, Al Kohol, told CBS news.

“Money Shot“

The amount of cash ejaculated from the printing presses of the Federal Reserve is saturating the big hairy hole in the economy that needs to be filled asap.

“We’re going to fill her up all the way to the top. We’re ‘doing’ her day and night. If it wasn’t for the massive cash dump from our straining full sacks, she’d be starving. She wants more, and more, every time, just like that insatiable nympho in my local supermarket I’m banging at the moment. We’re unloading our sacks into the economy until she can’t take no more,” Mr Kohol reiterated.

Economist and author of ‘Filling that Big Cash Hole’, Robert C. Spanner, recently wrote in an article in the New York Times: “The economy has got a big hole in it. That’s why the Fed is now pumping cash into the hole until the hole gets filled up with cash and trickles down its legs. Sometimes, the hole is too big to fill, that’s why you gotta have big sacks full of cash to spurt into the hole. No use yackin’ on the economies face or jugs, we need to slap the cash in that big pink hole so that the cash seed will propagate. Do you understand now?”

New Incapacity Benefit Test to Save Taxpayer Billions

by Areoli Matsvah
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1
New Incapacity Benefit Test to Save Taxpayer Billions

“We anticipate with this new test, that only a fraction of people who are claiming incapacity benefit will be eligible for the payments saving the government billions every year,” Henry Davenport, Welfare officer for Haringey council has revealed.

The new Incapacity Benefits test will involve a trip to the SAS training ground in Hereford, where the participants will be required to be inducted into a gruelling three day endurance course culminating in an assault course that is purported to be one of the hardest in the world.

“We’ve had battle-hardened men weep like little babies after just a few metres of this course. That’s why we don’t expect many of the Incapacity Benefit scroungers and work-shy to survive more that a minute. Last week, we had some U.S. Marines down here. Never seen so many pussies in one place. Those yanks just couldn’t cut our SAS course. They were squealing like little girls,” Major Hartnell, second in command at the Hereford training grounds told the Times.


Welfare Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said: “Naturally, those who are actually disabled will not lose their benefits, but the others who have been deceiving the system for too long will.”

The Labour opposition however, responded to the new directives with outrage: “These poor people, they were our core voters. They’ve been living the life of Riley and now they’ve got to work. Well, we protected the work-shy Labour core voters for as long as we could.”

British Royal Family to Take Up Carpentry Instead of Army

by Areoli Matsvah
-
1
British Royal Family to Take Up Carpentry Instead of Army

“It was a hard decision to take but we were just fed up of pretending to be in the army. None of us ever saw any real combat and we were just going through the motions. We were seduced by the wonderful smell of wood shavings hitting the floor as one planed away, it took one’s breath away and captured one’s imagination. Much better than masquerading in full battle gear thousands of miles behind the front line,” Prince Charles, one of the most heavily decorated members of the Royal family, told the Sun newspaper.

Woodworking has been a much more fulfilling role for the Royal family members, with even the wayward Prince Harry getting involved, when he recently got his carpentry teacher to make a three legged stool for him so that he can sit at his local bar for longer. Fergie also got stuck in by fashioning a wooden trolley out of mahogany to push her collection of mink fur coats around.

Prince Andrew used his carpentry skills to build a barrier over his front door to keep Fergie and her debt-ridden leeching ways out of his Royal digs but was alas thwarted at the last moment when she jumped through an upstairs window instead. He is now building a large catapult contraption to possibly propel his wayward ex to some far flung place and finally be rid of her.

“Every member of the Royal family has now taken up carpentry instead of military affairs. The people knew the Royals doing the military stuff was all a big ruse, plus with all the funding cuts from the MoD, there’s more money in carpentry,” a palace spokesman revealed.

Prince Charles recently built a garden shed at the Balmoral Estate where he can get away from the horse for a few hours and talk to his dandelions in peace. Even Prince William, the future king, is now a dab hand at carpentry He has fashioned a walking stick out of a piece of wood, which will be used to beat off Waity Katie’s peasant relatives once he finally agrees to get married to her.

Obama Armada of 45 Naval Destroyers Escort For India Trip

by Areoli Matsvah
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0
Obama Armada of 45 Naval Destroyers Escort For India Trip

“The ten day India trip is going to cost the U.S. taxpayer nearly two trillion dollars. To be more precise, we’re talking in the region of $200 million per day and we’re not even including the secret service bill right there,” Amy Thompson, senior budget director at the Pentagon told the Herald Sun.

Obama’s trip to Mumbai will last all of ten days and is set to become the most expensive visit a head of state has ever achieved in the whole of history.

“Forget about any trip by Queen Victoria, the Sultan of Brunei or any Saudi King. First off, they don’t have 45 battleships following them around. We know it is totally unnecessary, but we’re Americans, we’re democrats and also we get one term to do this shit, so we’re going to have our fun before the whole shit house goes up in flames,” Jonah Fetherline, Obama’s press secretary told the Herald Tribune.

According to reports within the sprawling city of Mumbai, all beggars and untouchables will be taken off the streets for the trip and put into a container ship off the coast. The roads will have to be cleared of cows and other assorted livestock for the 240 vehicle presidential entourage and a steel perimeter has been built up containing the city for three whole days. Surveillance aircraft will be watching the city, street by street, inch by inch, and even the coconuts from the trees will be removed in case they are used as weapons against the ailing lame-duck president.

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