Winehouse Record Company Execs to Make Huge Profits

LONDON - England - Island records executives were in jubilant spirits yesterday after hearing of Amy Winehouse's expected death.

“Our profit projections will exceed all expectations when we release Amy’s album next week. I just put out a purchase order for a new Aston Martin,” Herb Suge, chief A&R man at Island records told Billbored magazine.

It is well known within the music industry that artists’ untimely deaths are a huge opportunity to capitalise on their demise by increasing sales of albums and merchandise.

 “Back to Black” reached No. 2 on the Billboard 200 in March 2008, almost a year after it debuted, spending 78 total weeks on the chart. It has sold 2.3 million to-date, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Record executives think that they can shift millions more units after Winehouse’s death.

“It happened with Michael Jackson, he sold more albums in death than when he was alive. In fact, him living was a hindrance to record sales. Same thing with Winehouse, as a piece of software, she was troublesome whilst still alive. It is common knowledge that record companies actively encourage artists to ingest as much drugs and booze as possible. The more, the better, because it is great for sales, especially when these products finally get to their intended destination,” Earl Jenkem, CEO of Anus Records, distributor for Winehouse’s music in the US, said from his Hollywood mansion.

Robert Peston, a musicologist for Phonogram said: “People keep saying that Amy Winehouse was a genius or slightly talented. I beg to differ, you see, the people have been conditioned to accept mediocre sub-standard pap for so long that they got accustomed to it. The old adage comes to mind, feed people enough shit and that’s all they know. I would not call some dead cat wailing as genius. I call Django Reinhardt and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart – genius. The word ‘genius’ is used too much these days, because people have lost the bar, as it is lowered lower and lower every year. This person will not be remembered in ten years time. Real geniuses are remembered for eternity. It was just crappy mediocre r&b trash sung by a little Jewish girl with a drug problem, nothing more, nothing less. So please, stop using the ‘genius’ adjectives to describe something it ain’t.”

The music biz is not known for its kindness to artists while alive, record companies make huge profits off their workhorses until they have had all of their life force spent, then the artist’s repertoire is the sole property of the record company, making for an even more lucrative eternal pay day for the companies and publishers.