17.7 C
London
Saturday, December 20, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 704

Prince Charles and Duchess Attend Performance of 'Children of Men'

1

“This is just the beginning, a little taster of what is to come,” a protester told Sky news before smashing a fire extinguisher through Prince Charles’ car window.

The production of ‘Children of Men’ portrays the U.K. in the throes of civil war and complete civil unrest.

“We’re honoured to have the Prince come to our production. He braved the journey from the palace and his car actually drove through London’s streets. It is now no longer safe for MPs, celebrities, rich people or Royals to be seen to travel in public areas anymore,” an injured policeman said from his hospital bed.

As Prince Charles’ Roller rolled into Argyle street for a Royal Variety show he will never forget, a maelstrom of anti-establishmentarian hatred burst its unholy bubble onto the car smashing the windows and engulfing it with pure unadulterated hatred.

The future King, of what will be left of England, and his wife, had their Rolls Royce limousine nearly turned on its side as hundreds of angry protesters engulfed it shouting expletives and daubing it in paint.

“The funny thing is when the Prince walked out of the performance, he commented that there was not much difference between fiction and reality,” the director of the production, Robbie Baldrick, told the Times.

The Prince and Duchess were later airlifted out of the area by helicopter and taken back to the high security palace three miles away from the theatre.

Assange Extradited to U.S. on Espionage Charges For Not Wearing Condom

1

“He didn’t wear a rubber during a honey trap operation so we need to extradite him on espionage charges to the U.S,” a United States prosecutor said on Wednesday.

Mr Assange who is pleading that he converted to Catholicism, and thus was not required to wear a condom, is vowing to fight the espionage charges vehemently.

His lawyer said: “My client did not wear a condom during sex with two females who were ‘allegedly’ set up by the Americans to trap Mr Assange. He recently converted to Catholicism so we’re trying to figure out what the frickin’ problem is? My guess is that the yanks are yanking our chain over this shit.”

For now, the WikiLeaks hero is being held against his will in a British prison and has been refused any form of bail.

Why Releasing Violent Criminals onto UK’s Streets Was Planned

1

“There is this misconception that the government is there to protect the public, nothing can be further from the truth,” a prominent member of Whitehall disclosed on Tuesday.

Part of the Coalition’s cost cutting drive of reducing the prison population should also reduce the population as well.

“We’re going for a two tiered approach here. The violent criminals, thugs and rapists which we will release onto the streets after they commit their heinous crimes will also help reduce the population of Britain as well. We are already in a population explosion situation in the UK with the cities becoming increasingly overcrowded. By increasing public unrest, riots, murders and violence, the government saves money on pensions, the ailing NHS, welfare and prisons. It’s basically a win win situation for the government, because MPs will now be allowed to keep their expenses as well,” Ken Clarke told a Commons hearing on Monday.

The Justice Secretary also proposed that there should be a three strikes law for murderers: “Murder is a pretty bad thing, but these people are clogging up our prisons at a great cost to the government. This is why I propose that Britain’s murderers and violent killers be given three chances, then after their third murder or stabbing, they should be incarcerated for a maximum sentence of three months, then released again to commit more murder and mayhem.”

Mr Clarke was praised in Westminster when he presented the green paper that watered down a catalogue of punishments.

“I think what Ken has done is a remarkable achievement. His wonderful proposals will release a torrent of filth, scum and violence onto the already filthy, scum ridden streets. Therefore there will be more aggro, violence and brutality meted out onto the deserving public. I just can’t stop giggling at the thought of it all,” Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg said during the Commons meeting.

Sarah Palin's Weak Geography Could be Problem in Nuclear War

1

“The thing is she don’t know her geography. If she tried to hit North Korea or Iran she might blow France up. We ain’t too fond of those snail eating surrender monkeys, but still it could be a problem. Say if she wants to nuke Yemen or Pakistan, what happens if she nukes Italy or Wisconsin? Shit, there’d be hell to pay then,” Rosco Bloomer, a military analyst for Lockheed told the Senate hearing.

Finger on the button

The U.S. hierarchy is already making preparations for Sarah Palin’s presidency when she wins the upcoming election in 2012.

“If we have a full scale nuclear war she needs to know her countries better. That’s why we’re getting her an atlas so she can put it on her desk and maybe sometimes look at it. You never know, she might learn something. I doubt it though. I seen more brains in an old shoe,” one of her campaign managers, Dwight Peabottom, said at a recent press conference.

2018 Russian World Cup Mascot Will be Vodka Bottle

0

  The former Soviet bloc country which will be hosting the games in 2018 wants to promote Russian traditions to the rest of the world.

“Some of our stadiums may even be in the shape of vodka bottles and at half time, forget about oranges in the dressing room, in Russia we drink vodka. If you have half a bottle, you will be ready for the next half of the game,” Nikolai Illich Yebatsya, a Russian Football Federation official told Pravda news.

To be sober in Russia is a great shame, and Russian traditions dictate that one must be drunk before breakfast and just before bed. 

“In our beloved country, we drink a lot of vodka. It is our tradition. It doesn’t matter if you drive a bus, pilot a passenger plane or are in charge of a nuclear facility, even our famous cosmonauts are always drunk out of their f*cking minds. To be sober whilst doing your duty for Mother Russia is about drinking your vodka and getting plastered out of your brains. Ask the guy who was in charge of Chernobyl, or Boris Yeltsin when he nearly sent off those nukes,” Yuri Medvedevedev, a prominent member of the Russian mafia and parliament told Ukraine’s state news service.

U.S. Government: "WikiLeaks Endangering Lives"

5

“WikiLeaks is endangering lives,” a Pentagon operative speaking to Fox news said before ordering more mass carpet bombing runs in Afghanistan.

America’s Shock and Awe tactics in Iraq and the mass murder of over 200,000 civilians during the illegal occupation of the country is proof that a website like WikiLeaks is endangering lives.

“WikiLeaks endangers lives because the truth is revealed and we all know we can’t have that,” General Putrified, told a CNN newscaster on Monday.

“The U.S. never endangered any lives, we just blew people away with bombs and missiles from miles away. If you use a drone or missile, you’re not endangering thousands of lives, it’s like a video game. I can blow an Afghan or Iraqi school full of kids sky high in the morning, then go to the cafeteria and have a hamburger. You see WikiLeaks is dangerous, we’re not. We’re installing democracy with all our guns, missiles, bombs and tanks,” a White House spokesman said.

 

George W. Bush’s war of perpetual terror has been neatly adopted by his successor, Barack Hussein Obama, who during his election campaign promised to stop the illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, only to renege on his promise and continue to endanger the world’s stability with even more war.

Brown Hobbits Not Allowed in Middle Earth

1

Brown skinned Hobbits have been carted out of the Shire, Bilbo Baggins announced yesterday. According to reports, the brown ones will be relegated to the vicinity of the Orcs and the other shisters that hang around with Sauron in Mordor.

“This is the land of the rings where our racial purity is preserved and the humans that watch us on their screens can find comfort in the fact that there is at least one safe haven left from the ‘darkies’. The human landscapes in the West have all but been compromised and ‘whitey’ can only find solace in fantasy. We know as a fact that race determines behaviour, and that’s why the nasty dark ones are to be relegated back to the darkness from whence they came,” one of the Hobbit council of elders, Jimbo Muggins told a Hobbit equality hearing.

The land of Middle-earth is a racially pure land where the ‘whitey’ elves and Hobbits stay in one corner and the evil ‘darkies’ come from the mud and are portrayed as nasty Trolls and Orcs.

Champion of Hobbit civil liberties and equality, Harriet Harpie said: “Why do all the darkies have to be lumped in as the baddies? Surely there must be some good darkies too? That’s why I propose we try and integrate the brown hobbits in soulless ghettos at the periphery of our Shire. At least we would have someone to do our dirty work like cleaning and emptying the shit buckets in the river.”

WikiLeaks to Start Plumbing Service

0

The disillusioned WikiLeaks boss, Julian Assange, wants to start his own firm of plumbers, CIA analysts have claimed after many setbacks with his previous venture.

“If you’ve got a leaking sink, toilet or your boiler packs up in the dead of winter. Give WikiLeaks a call. For no extra charge, we’ll also tell you while we’re fixing your leak that the Americans were not very fond of Gordon Brown and Hillary Clinton is a lying lizard,” Mr Assange said whilst filming a promotional video for the new project.

The new WikiLeaks plumbing service will only initially service the Coventry area but they hope to branch out nationally within the year, as long as Assange is not extradited to Sweden to serve time for fabricated stories concocted by certain unnameable governments.

Frozen Pensioner Prays For Global Warming

0

Jim Jones, 75, from Stepney Green is holding a vigil in the cold snowy streets to petition the environment for some global warming.

“They keep saying we’re having global warming. Well, where is it then? I just want a bit of relief, innit. I mean I’m sat in my one bedroom council flat and it’s bloomin’ freezing. I woke up this morning and opened the fridge to get some warmth in. Where’s that bloody global warming they keep taxing us for? I want to see palm trees outside my window, and lasses in bikinis frolicking around. Instead, I’ve got this horrible dreary view of grey council estate tower blocks and a playground full of hoodies selling crack rocks to little kiddies,” Mr Jones said.

Other residents of the Coweshit estate have also told of their anguish.

Maureen Haversham, 76, a cleaning lady, is adamant that the global warming should be here any time soon: “I reckon it’s only a matter of time till we get the global warming. Every day in the news they say we’re getting global warming. This morning it was so bloody cold I had to defrost the bloomin’ cat.”

Woman Pregnant After TSA Pat-Down

12

Carmella Sanchez, 18, was travelling from Florida to a nunnery in Boston when she went through the TSA checkpoint.

“I want to dedicate my life to Jesus and this is why I want to go and become a nun. My dreams have now been shattered because I’m pregnant. They took my virginity and that was meant for Jesus alone,” a distraught Sanchez said in tears from a medical facility in the airport.

TSA spokesman, Marvin Haggler, told Fox News: “We had to check for explosives. Maybe one of our screeners got a little too enthusiastic. We’re looking into getting him a promotion anyway. What you going to do about it? We’re above the law.”

Ms Sanchez was given a lift to her gate and put on another plane after missing her original flight.