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Banker Sacked For Getting a Conscience

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This is an increasing problem amongst banking institutions where bankers suddenly start to think about what they are doing, and something they thought they never had suddenly crops up — a conscience.

“I’ve seen it in so many institutions. Suddenly they realise that what they are doing is an inherently evil act which hurts millions of people. Sometimes they just jolt up in their office chair and start crying or look around and simply walk out of the room,” resident psychologist for investment firm, JNC Paribas told Investment Weekly.

Many firms are now sacking bankers who get a conscience, and are trying to vet new employees so that they only employ the most psychotic.

“You can’t have bankers with a conscience. Are you kidding me? It would be like having an executioner with a conscience, they’d let everyone off. I sacked two of them yesterday, I had asked them to strip the assets of millions of people for profit, they hesitated for too long, so I cut the fuckers out. They’re gone, they’re history, they can go and swim with the rest of the scum on main street,” Stanley Weisenstein, head of corporate acquisitions at Warburg Murther and Pascoe in New York told the FT.

Scottish Voice Recognition Software May Take Years to Develop

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Whilst the Siri voice recognition software has been working wonders for most of the English speaking world, the poor Scots have been left out.

“It’s like trying to decipher a hidden code, we never knew it would be so hard,” a source on the project said.

Apple has flown over hundreds of Scottish speaking people to California to try and figure out what they’re saying.

“It’s very hard for us to understand what these people are saying and we are recruiting speech scientists to try and decipher the language,” Ron Albright, one of the programmers on the project revealed.

A frustrated Scot said: “Ah woods loch thes wee siri telephain tae kin whit aam bludy weel sayin. Ya Bas!”

The current project should take ten years to complete if there are no major setbacks.

Apple wants to then work out what Geordie people are saying, but that’s another twenty years of research.

'Euro' to be Renamed 'Pox' by World Leaders

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“A pox be upon you,” will be the phrase used by currency exchange bureaus to tourists when they exchange their dollars or pounds to euros whilst on holiday to any Eurozone country.

The new pox currency is like a terrible affliction that spreads around like a nasty virus destroying everything in its path.

“After long deliberation we thought pox was an apt name for the euro. Essentially it is a curse on the world, and now if someone talks about the euro currency they are talking about a vile virus that leaves disaster in its wake. A f*cking pox on the world, that is what the euro is and we, dare I might say it, have released this wonderful curse on you all so that you can marvel in the power of the EU,” José Manuel Barroso, told an auditorium full of reporters with pockmarked faces.

The euro/pox currency is like a particularly nasty case of herpes, and whatever cure is attempted, it always comes back more virulent and nasty.

Robert Wagner: "Let Max Fix This One"

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“This is getting crazy. I wake up and get a call from the police, I go play tennis and see them around the court, brunch means another call and by bedtime I turn on the news and my face is all over the place. I thought we dealt with that situation a long time ago. What the hell is this? It’s come back to haunt me like a midnight dip in the freezing ocean,” Mr Wagner told Hollywood Now magazine.

Max, who is Mr Wagner’s trusty butler and fixer does pretty much everything for his master.

“This is my boss, Robert Wagner, a self-made millionaire actor, he’s quite a guy. This is Mrs W., she’s gorgeous, but dead. She’s one lady who knows how to take care of herself in a swimming pool. By the way, my name is Max. I take care of both of them, which ain’t easy cause when they met it was murder.”

Egyptians Discover Democracy

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“This is what we have been searching for. It is the same kind of democracy that is used in the US and UK. Thank Allah we have found what we were looking for so long,” Abdullah Mahmoudi, a Cairo baker, told Egypt’s state television station, as he was being beaten over the head with a baseball bat.

Another Egyptian citizen, who was assembled in Tahrir Square, received a face full of tear gas and said: “I *CHOKE* sure *CHOKE* like demo..*CHOKE*..cracy!”

New 'Who's the Celebrity in the Jungle' Reality Show Has TV Audiences Confused

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“They’ve put the obligatory bikini girl, with a great pair of tits who I’ve never heard of in, and a bunch of old people who I’ve never heard of in a jungle clearing. Are we meant to try and figure out who these people are?” Rob Joist, a bored TV viewer told the Radio Times.

The executives in charge of the new format are also confused about who the people on the show are.

“We actually have never seen these so-called celebrities before and do not know who they are. Someone from an agency just told us that they were celebrities and we took their word for it,” Henry Arsehat, executive producer for the show revealed.

Ratings for reality shows are so low now that it is very rare for anyone to actually watch the shows let alone figure out who the people in them are.

France First Lady Kept Up All Night By Crying Baby

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Speaking from the Élysée palace, Carla Bruni said: “He won’t let me sleep, he’s constantly tramping up and down the corridors crying and bawling like a baby. Nicolas is driving me and our newborn absolutely nuts.”

According to French finance ministers, Mr Sarkozy is absolutely at his wits end over the French economy, especially after it is constantly being threatened with downgrades from the credit rating agencies.

“Nicolas comes to his office in the morning. He looks like merde, like he’s been crying all night. We are used to his tantrums and strutting, but it’s just plain weird to see him all weepy like a little girl,” Jean Claude Trebuchet, a senior finance ministry official told Le Figaro.

Coalition Plans Massive Soviet Taxpayer Funded House Building Scheme

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Plans to allow unemployable work-shy buyers of new homes to borrow up to 95% of their value, with the taxpayer footing most of the risk, are to be unveiled by the Coalition.

“Instead of the taxpayer footing the bill to put these people up in rented council estates, we plan to blight the British countryside with unsightly tower blocks and rows upon rows of box houses so that they can own their own property, all funded by the lousy taxpayer, of course,” Mr Cameron told a consortium of wide eyed property developers.

Microdistrict Hell

Planning permission has already been granted to build over the Cotswalds as well all Green Belt land in England and Wales.

“This is just another way to bankrupt the taxpayer further, because these people who will be given massive subsidies to move into these houses will have no means of paying for the mortgages the taxpayer has underwritten. Simple, where are the jobs? It’s another nail in the coffin and a sure way to force the UK into the euro currency. That after all, is the ultimate plan by the Coalition and eurocrats,” a Whitehall source told the BBC.

It seems that as well as the bankers and energy companies getting healthy doses of taxpayer cash, now it’s the turn of the property developers.

“It’s going to be a fuckin’ clean up session. The government is giving us a blank cheque so we can build sub-standard poorly designed blights on the landscape all over the countryside. I’ve just put in another order for a Ferrari and I’ve bought my wife a new Bentley, all thanks to the taxpayer, thank you very much, you stupid arseholes,” Seamus Doherty, a property developer told Cowboy magazine.

Wind Farms Almost as Useless as Royal Family

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An angry Prince Philip, who has never worked a day in his life, today told the Sunday papers that wind farms are almost as useless as the royal family.

“I suppose if you put an electric plug up my arse or maybe Prince Edward’s, you would not get any electricity. At least wind farms make electricity, whereas the royal family are basically a bunch of ‘useless eaters’ to coin a phrase. We’re benefit cheats on a higher rate than the oiks, but we’re all basically the same as them,” Philip told the BBC.

In other news, Mr Pot told Mr Kettle that he was black.

George Osborne: "We Can Tax the Dead"

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“It is estimated that there are over 300 million corpses in Britain today. If we taxed each and every one of those bastards, we’d be rolling in it. We could pay off our debts and then some,” Mr Osborne told the House of Commons on Friday.

All around the UK there were strange sounds emanating from grave yards.

“I think the creaking sound you hear is the dead people spinning in their graves.” Ernest Fallon, a gravedigger from Gravesend said, whilst digging the grave of some poor sod who killed himself two days ago because he could not pay his debts.

Asked how his famous Plan A is going, the Chancellor replied: “Plan A is heavy taxation for everyone and everything in the UK. We want to stifle all business; create such fear amongst the people that they do not spend the little money they have left and tax anything that moves or doesn’t move. Plan B is exactly the same.”