Fulfilling a campaign promise, Obama said the law will strengthen national security and uphold the ideals that the country’s sailing men and women risk their lives to defend.
 
“No longer will our country be denied the service of thousands of patriotic Americans who are forced to leave the Navy – regardless of their skills, no matter their bravery or their zeal, no matter their years of exemplary performance – because they happen to be straight,” Obama said.

In the Navy

The new law ended the 170-year-old ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, which forced straight Navy members to hide their sexual orientation or face dismissal.

“It was real hard because if you didn’t join in with the gay orgies on deck or aft, they would immediately know you were not a real sailor boy,” John Rimmer, an ex-Navy recruit told Fox News.

While officials did not announce any timetable for the revamp, the process will probably take months as the Navy has to formulate new service guidelines.

The guidelines will also cover a host of questions, from how to educate sailors on how to treat straight members of the team, and how the Navy’s tradition of steaming gay saunas and submarine orgies would have to be toned down.

The carnage began at 6am this morning when Dean Batts, a BAA traffic controller, suddenly started spouting expletives and various insults at the pilots trying to take off and land from the icy runways.

“He told a pilot coming in from San Diego that if he didn’t land in his allotted time he would get a ‘f*cking ratchet’ and slam it up where the sun don’t shine. A Chinese pilot coming in from Beijing was called a ‘slanty eyed pr*ck’ and as for the Nigerian airlines staff, I can’t even begin to repeat what they heard. I’ve never heard so many ‘C words’ in one sentence,” Keith Barrow, senior air traffic controller for BAA told the Times.

The expletive ridden air traffic session lasted for all of twelve minutes before Mr Batts was wrestled to the ground and hauled away by airport security.

“This was the last thing we needed, it’s hairy enough out there with all the ice, snow and blizzards,” Mr Barrow said.

Thankfully no one was hurt and all the aircraft took off and landed safely on the icy runways.

“When I’m in combat I like to unload my magazine with style; to shoot my bullets at all those bad boys out there,” Corporal Andre Mincer, told Stars and Stripes magazine.

Already, the barracks where the fashion show will be held, has had a major makeover and a catwalk installed where all the gay U.S. military boys and girls will be up there strutting their stuff for five days of joyous military fashion styles.

“It don’t get better than this. Ever since the military and Obama administration pushed for a gayer U.S. military, we’ve seen a serious influx of new recruits. The gays are especially loving the shower sessions with all those big macho marines. Bending over to pick up the soap has never been so much frickin’ fun,” Corporal Mincer was quoted as saying.

The standard issue military uniform has been dubbed as ‘too boring’ by the marines and they are now pushing for stilettos and spandex for combat operations.

“If I’m gonna go out there to Iraq or Afghanistan, I want to look fierce in my uniform, you know, Haute Couture and fabulous sequins. I want to sashay in front of those big swingin’ Arab boys in their white cloth dresses. Ooh shoot me baby!” another Marine said just before dress rehearsals on Sunday.

“Everyone else has left. The tourists have all gone home, some even leaving in coffins,” Abdul Mahmoudi, a hotelier from Sharm el-Sheikh’s premier resort, the Bedouin, told the BBC.

It’s not all bad news for the hoteliers, however, because now lawyers from all over the world are flocking to the Red Sea resort to snap up some cheap holiday deals that no one wants.

“The sharks are actually afraid of lawyers, so even though the surrounding coast is jumping with shark activity, the lawyers go skinny dipping without so much as a scratch,” Barney Fudder, a tourist fleeing the resort told the BBC on Tuesday.

Marine scientist, Jacques Limbard, told CNN: “After observing the lawyers swimming in the shark infested waters, we were astounded to see that the maneating vicious marine creatures with razor sharp teeth, simply swam on by as if nothing were there. It’s as if they could smell them from miles away and knew that these lawyers were one of their own. In fact, I’ve rarely seen sharks act so placidly even when they were clearly starving.”