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Clegg Anti-affluence Marathon to Start Next Week

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Clegg Anti-affluence Marathon to Start Next Week

The CAA (Clegg Anti-affluence) marathon will start next week and runners of the 46 km race will end up in Heathrow and take a flight permanently away from Britain taking their skills, riches and expertise in wealth creation away.

“We want to make it hard for Britons to make money and become successful in Britain. If you are a successful business person, professional or patron, we do not want you anymore. Much like France has criminalised people who work hard for their money so will we,” Mr Clegg said at the Lib Dem conference in Brighton.

The new Lib Dem laws enacted by Clegg and his rival Cable will come into force next week leaving hardly time for people to sell up and leave before they are punished for working hard and earning their money.

“On your marks, get set, go! You are now free to leave the UK. All that will be left are the sub-classes and wounded middle class who are now the unemployed beaten down class. Those who are left in this tax shit hole can pay for it all,” the deputy prime minister added to cheers and guffaws from the assembled Lib Dems at the conference.

The Queen ‘Speaking With a Polish Accent’ Says Mirren Ahead of New Role as Monarch

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The Queen ‘Speaking With a Polish Accent’ Says Mirren Ahead of New Role as Monarch

“I’m not saying she sounds like the meerkat but she has acquired some slight Slavic tones to her English, this is possibly due to the millions of Eastern Europeans who were granted entry to the UK by the former Labour government and EU opening of all borders in 2003. The massive influx has sadly affected our Queen who has ditched her royal English tones for a more European accent,” Dame Mirren told the Daily Mail.

The play will be based in a Polski Sklep (Polish Shop) in Neasden, North West London, where the Queen will visit and get one of her courtiers to buy a bag of groceries to take home to the palace.

Dame Helen Mirren will play the Queen who discovers the culinary delights of Polish cuisine and introduces it to everyone at the palace.

The play is based on real life incidents at Buckingham palace recently. Royal watchers realised something had gone very wrong last month when the Queen and Prince Philip started ordering Zupa ogórkowa (sour, salted cucumbers) and Biały barszcz (sauerkraut and pork broth with cubed boiled pork, ham, a hard boiled egg, and dried pork tripe sticks) for a recent banquet with the visiting Australian Prime Minister. They then washed the lot down with Czernina (duck blood soup) for an altogether gory finale.

Helen Mirren, who is in fact Russian herself, has taken to the role like a duck to water.

“One must understand that the Windsors are actually the Saxe-Coburg Gothas from Germany, so it is only natural that the Queen likes to flit around with her accent. We are all part of a wonderful mix here in England, and it is thus a good excuse to appreciate our culural mixing pot,” Ms Mirren added.

Chinese Space Rocket to Send 320 Thousand Astronauts Into Space At Once

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Chinese Space Rocket to Send 320 Thousand Astronauts Into Space At Once

Speaking at the China Space Agency in Beijing, Lee Ping Hi outlined how the latest incredible space innovation will revolutionise Chinese space travel.

“We have designed a rocket that can hold 320,000 Chinese astronauts to travel into space all at the same time. You can imagine the rocket boosters on the space vehicle. We are a nation of 1.6 billion people so we do not do things in a mediocre fashion,” Mr Hi said.

After fifteen years of research and trillions of Yuan, the special rockets will travel into orbit at 20,000 mph. Once the atmosphere is breached and the rocket reaches space, the craft will fly towards the latest space station being built for the Chinese Space crew.

“It will be incredible up there, and we can keep transporting space ship after space ship of Chinese into space. With 320,000 Chinese on the rocket, there will be need for restraint and understanding of toilet facilities and other such things,” Mr Hi added.

“We aim to make cheap plastic trinkets and mediocre products from space, then send them all back to earth,” commander of the space flight told the Chinese state news agency, Xinhua.

The monumental launch of the Chinese rocket will be in August 2013.

Mrs Jesus Christ Kept Her Husband’s Robe Freshly Ironed

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Mrs Jesus Christ Kept Her Husband’s Robe Freshly Ironed

Professor Angela Balls, has revealed the astounding revelations that Jesus had a wife and not only that she was a dab hand at the iron.

“Jesus liked to have a nice shiny white robe every morning. Do you think for one second he could have done that if he was a single man? Well, it was Mary’s job to have that thing starched and sharp. You can’t have a scruffy Son of God prancing around the temples and hills around Galilee, or what about when he was walking on water, he’s got to look tip top. It gets dirty and sandy out there, his robe must have been filthy after a hard days curing the blind and raising the dead. In the papyrus, Jesus was said to thank her for ironing his white cloak everyday and her services to him otherwise. It is a spectacular find and we are absolutely amazed that the find proves that Jesus was just a bloke like every other bloke. If he’d been around today, he’d watch the footy down the pub, come back home and expect his dinner to be on the table or there’d be trouble. Of course, I’d whack him round the bonce if he tried that with me.”

However, there has been some skepticism from right wing Christian evangelists in America to the new find.

“Jesus was the Son of God, he could cure lepers with a wave of his hand, I don’t think he needed a woman to iron his cloak. Besides, Jesus was hangin’ out with dinosaurs and the earth is only 5,000 years old. Bloot, bloot, gobba, gobba, tweerit..aaargh..malfunction..malfuuuncti..i..i.on..dzzz.dzz..dzzz,” Jim West, a professor and Baptist pastor in Tennessee said, before being stretchered away by paramedics.

Unarmed British Police Could Start Using Truncheons Says Commissioner

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Unarmed British Police Could Start Using Truncheons Says Commissioner

“It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” a heavily armed man holding a semi-automatic gun smuggled in from Eastern Europe tells the Times newspaper.

In a country where citizens are routinely arrested and imprisoned for defending themselves in their own homes, it goes without saying that the police should be suitably disarmed and left to the mercy of armed criminals.

It’s very easy to get firearms in the UK, you just go to certain pubs, speak to a few people, go to the car park in the back, then for about £400 you can have a fully operational gun, ready to shoot anyone who gets in your way.

On the other side of the coin, the majority of the British police are defenceless, and are daily sent into very dangerous situations where armed criminals fire at will.

“We’re sent out to situations where any other police force in the world would be fully armed, instead we’ve got a little bottle of pepper spray and a pair of handcuffs. That’s sure to scare a criminal with a fully loaded automatic gun. By the time we radio in for the armed police, they’re either on another call or by the time they get to the crime scene, there is no one there, or we have all been shot,” PC Bob Jensen, told the BBC.

The Met Police Commissioner, Chris P. Bacon, said something about the situation yesterday at a press conference: “I have authorised the police to be able to use their truncheons in an event that criminals are shooting at them with heavy weaponry. Remember to walk slowly forward with your truncheon and don’t forget to tell them nicely to stop shooting and put the gun down.”

Entire One Direction Boy Band Eaten By Sharks in Florida

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Entire One Direction Boy Band Eaten By Sharks in Florida

“The only direction One Direction went today was down the gullets of a some Great White sharks,” Ernest B. Cecilmayer, chief lifeguard at Miami’s West Beach told Fox news.

The feeding frenzy started at 3 pm Monday on Miami’s West beach. The boy band were taking time off from one of their mime shows and went for a swim.

“We saw them go further out into the ocean, and then there was some serious splashing going on. One minute they were there with their perfectly coiffed poncey haircuts, and the next there was just red everywhere. I just started cheering right there and then and punching the air in delight at the demise of the most nauseating irritating bunch of shisters foisted on what’s left of the music biz. If I could kiss those sharks I would, I wanted to shake their fins, to hug them for cleansing the world of crap. One Direction went down to hell in one fell swoop, they didn’t take the elevator but they took the water slide down there via a shark’s stomach. I sincerely hope those poor sharks don’t get a bad case of indigestion,” Cuthbert Eagleboise, a witness and music lover at the beach recounted.

A spokesman from One Direction’s record label, Syco Records, said they were very sad about the news and would immediately be bringing out a Greatest Hits record to celebrate their spectacular career in the pop world.

Marine Biologist at Florida Sea World, Laura Kiltner, said: “The splashing from the boy band must have attracted the sharks. We estimate there were three or four large Great Whites in the vicinity who must have been hungry because the feeding frenzy lasted for all of two minutes. Sharks rarely attack humans but in this case I think they saw One Direction and thought they might enjoy a little snack.”

The unfortunate drawback of the wonderful demise of the entire One Direction boy band is that there may be a few weeks of tributes on the airwaves, but thankfully they will be forever forgotten after that.

Muslim Rage Could Be Bottled And Used to Create Electrical Power

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Muslim Rage Could Be Bottled And Used to Create Electrical Power

“This is pioneering research. We studied enraged Muslims from all over the world and calculated that if we could harness even 1% of the Muslim rage for even 1 second, we could have enough electricity to power the entire Northern Hemisphere. It really is incredible, Dr. Abdullah Maqtani, told Pakistani state news yesterday.

Danish cartoonists may have learned their lesson well, as well as certain foolish Californian video makers, but what they have unleashed is a phenomenon that needs to be studied further.

“I just want to put my fist down his throat,” a Muslim man in the laboratory said foaming at the mouth. The raging man was talking about the latest person to create an outrage against Islam. The researchers and some heavyset orderlies grab the man, who is jerking around uncontrollably with fists and spittle flying, and put a helmet over his head.

“His anger and rage energy are put through a transmogrifier and the signal is converted into pure electricity. We need more raging Muslims for our experiment and we will go out into the streets later today to collect more,” Dr. Maqtani said.

The Muslim Rage Foundation has revealed that all it takes is 23 Rage-filled Muslims to create the equivalent power of a nuclear power station. If more rage was harnessed, the world could solve it’s energy problems once and for all.

“There would be no need for oil, nuclear power, coal or any other fossil fuels. We are petitioning world governments to create Muslim Rage Power Stations where all the world’s power will be created. There will be banks of Muslims tethered up and plugged into the system as they are shown, on big screen videos and pictures, scenes that will keep them in a permanent state of rage,” another researcher told Pakistan’s state television.

Middletons’ Party Website Introduces New Pancake Making Products

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Middletons’ Party Website Introduces New Pancake Making Products

“There’s nothing like a flat pancake for breakfast in the morning, or how about one before breakfast, just ask Wills about that,” a Middleton company worker said at the launch of the new pancake pans that will grace the new line of pancake products on the website.

Cashing In

The new line of products were introduced on the site late yesterday afternoon to coincide with events in the news recently.

“Everyone loves a good flat pancake, you toss it up in the air, then swish it around the pan a little, don’t forget to add a little winkie of lemon, to taste for a bitter sweet delight. One flat pancake can be a bit wanting, so how about getting two pancakes, then serve ’em up together with a big cherry in the middle of each. Don’t forget to take photos of your flat pancakes and send them over to us so we can pick and publish the best ones on our site. They may be as flat as a pancake but they are sure to satisfy your taste buds,” the site says on its product description blurb.

As well as pancake mix, the site will also sell pancake pans and even books on how to make the perfect flat pancake.

‘Bed Intruder’ Video Voted Best Music Video of All Time

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‘Bed Intruder’ Video Voted Best Music Video of All Time

After receiving masses of votes from our readers we had to sift through thousands of votes to find the winner of the Best Music Video of All Time, and we have to say the winner really surprised us.

The Bed Intruder video won over seasoned icons and superstars of the music world.

Forget about Michael Jackson’s Thriller or Guns’ N Roses’ November Rain, the Bed Intruder video starring Antoine Dobson got 850,000 votes taking the title of greatest music video of all time.

“This video is the best music video of all time. Take all of history then add the future, divide by 3.6 then multiply by lateral time scales and you will get this video in all of the multiple dimensions of time and f*cking space,” Edward Realtor, 34, one of the people who voted for the video said on You Tube.

Music video director Spike Jonze also agreed: “I had to just bow down to this video, I mean who needs Christopher Walken skipping around a screen to some DJ’s sampled music, when you can have the genius of Antoine Dobson auto-tuned, interspersed with wonderful editing and hilarious ballet pieces. It was just so black and white, so wonderful it made me cry.”

The 2010 production of Bed Intruder has amassed millions of views across the internet and for an independent production it is a work of pure genius.

The French Invite Duchess of Cambridge to Pose Topless For Bastille Day PICTURE EXCLUSIVE

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“First Prince Harry with his royal ginger knackers out for everyone to see and now Kate with her little puddings out for the whole world to see, we’re wondering who’s next, god forbid Camilla?” a scared newspaper reader in London told the BBC.

Royal commentator, Ernest Bustlewaite, told ITN news: “One may think the Windsors are having a rough time of it of late, but let us consider the fact that everyone has a camera these days on their phones and the paparazzi have got some seriously long lenses. Somebody, somewhere should tell the royals to get with the program. Have they never learned from the disgraceful Fergie toe sucking incident?”

And here it is, exclusively on the Daily Squib, scroll down for the topless photographs of Kate Middleton.

 

 

For the first time in any British newspaper, this exclusive picture of Kate Middleton will astound and shock you.

 

 

Soon you will see the picture of the Duchess of Cambridge with her baps out.

 

 

“Vite, vite!”

 

 

When you see the photograph of Kate Middleton you may well be shocked, please scroll down to the photograph now.

 

 

Vive La Revolution as they said in 1789 during the storming of the Bastille.

 

 

The Frenchies must be squealing with delight at the sight of the exposed breasts of the Duchess of Cambridge, and the future Queen of England.

 

 

 

 

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