17.7 C
London
Sunday, March 29, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 656

Gordon Brown Talking to Furniture These Days Says Wife

0

“I’ll usually come into a room and he’ll be talking to the armchair or the lamp or some piece of furniture. He called our rocking chair a bigot yesterday and they had a big row. I usually leave him to it, go and do the shopping and he’ll be still going at it like a member of parliament,” Sarah Brown revealed in the newspaper exclusive.

As well as home furniture, Mr Brown has been known to have heated arguments with street furniture. In the local town centre, especially on Thursdays when his wife takes him out, Mr Brown can be seen arguing with benches and post boxes. He was recently cautioned by a community support officer after damaging a lamp post on the High Street by bashing his clunking fist onto the bottom casing.

“He keeps going on about how he saved the world, and if it wasn’t for him we’d all be in a recession. I saw him foaming at the mouth waving his fist around shouting about no boom and bust. It’s quite sad really,” Deirdre Baggage, 67, from Fife told the newspaper.

Cameron’s Big Brother Big Society Dream Comes True

0

The oppressive Labour government which plastered the land with thousands of cameras, listening devices and tracking monitors; and created hundreds of new laws and regulations inhibiting freedom were the epitome of captivity, of slavery and of a terrible paranoia that swept Britain under their draconian punitive authority.

The Coalition government that swept into power promised to take away Labour’s punitive authoritarian system of surveillance and totalitarian control system, but they have not only adopted all of the previous government’s laws and systems, they have also expanded on the undemocratic repressive surveillance society which is now modern Britain.

“Cameron is actually nastier and more of a liar than Gordon Brown, and that is saying something. He is not a Conservative but a staunch Socialist, who probably holds strong Marxist views. Gordon Brown tried to be Stalin, but Cameron is Stalin, with regards to surveillance and taking away people’s freedom, he is second to none. When he speaks he lies with the deepest sincerity, more so than other politicians, and the system of oppression he is introducing is making life in Britain a living hell,” a Westminster source divulged.

The Coalition was an ideal way to expand governmental control over the public, and the future does not bode well with further intrusive policies being planned.

“We are already moving towards a cashless society, and once this is introduced, every citizen will be tracked and logged. A cashless society also brings further control to the government and state, because by utilising a digital system, if you do not obey their orders, they just delete your money. You are now powerless under a cashless system. To use cash even now is deemed as suspicious and alarm bells go off in shops. The government also wants to introduce vehicle tracking with a black box device. They will sell this as a way of reducing motor insurance costs, however every journey will be logged, and your every manoeuvre will be analysed, so no more moments of tapping on that accelerator pedal on the motorway for you. Motorists will also be charged per mile on the roads, with prices increasing during rush hour and peak times. Citizens will get speeding fines automatically issued and this will of course be a wonderful revenue generator. Driverless cars as brought in by Google will also be a viable future, creating highways of ordered traffic, regulated and controlled. Cameron has already ordered that every phone call and every internet user should be tracked by central computers in government and this additional surveillance mechanism will maximise the government’s knowledge about every facet of the population. In addition to Facebook profiting off your data and social networking surveillance, we are already seeing citizens being arrested for speech on Twitter and Facebook. These events will increase in time, and under the totalitarian state, citizens will be arrested and detained for any form of disobedience to the state. Thoughtcrime will be a reality in the future, and will pave the way for eventual RFID microchipping of citizens. Already, being chipped is deemed as cool by some people, and they will sell this by getting celebrities to promote it. Brain chipping nano technology will be introduced as a means to help paralysed citizens or severely disabled people. Once the entertainment business gets a hold of the technology, there will be a huge jump in brainchipping, because it will enable people to experience whole events in their minds without the use of screens or antiquated cinemas. Game consoles will be obsolete, as the advent of holographic technology, augmented reality and brainchipping will increase the user experience for gamers as well as ordinary users merging our minds with machines. The one tiny drawback to this is that you will have to let the programmers into your mind, your every thought will be analysed and you will have elements that may be programmed. The state will know your every thought. That is the drawback of chipping the brain and synapses. With the eventual chipping of all citizens, the human race will be connected via a hive system through an advanced form of the internet and supercomputers from a central control complex. The individual mind will not be needed anymore. The successive UK governments, may change, but the machinery of government, i.e. Whitehall is always the same. They will introduce the new technological advances, which were designed to oppress citizens, slowly, utilising the drip-feed system. They cannot introduce these things quickly as the population may notice, they must do it slowly and little by little,” another Westminster source revealed.

How free do you feel today?

Seventies Girl: “Saint Jimmy Savile Fixed it For Me to Meet Gary Glitter”

3

In between bouts of raping underage girls and molesting them in orphanages, the BBC star was encouraged to carry on his show ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ by the BBC.

“Owz about that then?”

Pauline Dimmock, who was 12 in 1974 was ecstatic to be on the Jim’ll Fix It show where Savile would grant a wish to the participants of the children’s show.

“First Jim Fixed me, then Gary Fixed me, all the while the BBC turned a blind eye to what they were doing,” a distraught Ms Dimmock, told the Daily Mail.

“The next day I saw the Queen giving him an O.B.E and all the other medals,” Ms. Dimmock added.

Sir Jimmy Savile, who died in 2011 was buried as a hero of the British people for his work in charity, and yet many who were touched by the monster know very well of the horror he doled out to thousands of children.

“He was laughing all the way to his grave, protected by the BBC and funded by the TV License, his evil lascivious exploits swept under the carpet of time, as the victims have to live the rest of their lives broken and tortured by the memories of his abuse. Rest in peace Jimmy Savile, or as the BBC calls him, Saint Jimmy. The cowards only dared bring to light the full horror of Savile’s crimes until after his death,” an ex TV license payer told BBC’s Newsnight last night.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church, after hearing of the new revelations, have declared to posthumously saint Jimmy Savile with a Beatification ceremony as a prime example of how their religion works.

Think Tank: “Revolution Can Not Come From the Few”

0

Key researchers of the Institute for Change, Knowledge and Education in Geneva, Switzerland have come up with research driven theorems and thoughts regarding the current world situation and revolution.

Speaking from the hill top research labs on the outskirts of the Swiss capital, Dr. Alphonse Geister of (ICKE) said: “One must look at the failed ‘Occupy’ movement as an example in how not to conduct change. They proclaimed to be the 99% that were fighting the 1%, however, in reality they were the 1% because no one else was doing anything. The majority of the population sat back and did nothing apart from relax in their safe homes, work their safe jobs, and keep their safe mortgage and safe health insurance payments going. These safe people do not want to upset the applecart of their safe, sterile lives, even though they probably have a lot to scream about, they still tow the line, they still stay within the parameters, because to step outside of the societal parameters would be too dangerous. Remember, that American society in particular is one of hope, and reward. You work hard enough in America, your hope and dreams will be rewarded. These are the basic tenets of the American Dream, which are very unlike the tenets of the socialist European system where hard work gets you nowhere and success is punished.”

The Think Tank studied thousands of books claiming to hold revolutionary concepts, as well as interviewed over 15,000 people who desired change from the current system espoused by governments.

 

“Citizens are busy, busy, busy. You are controlled from a very young age to be busy so that you do not think of lofty things, or lofty ideas. Furthermore, you must be disarmed with entertainment at all times, and you must keep buying things, especially things you will never need. If you were to stop for one second, and think, then you would possibly be deemed as dangerous, because they do not want you to think. Why would they? You are nothing to them, and you are only here to produce tax revenue. This is why they ply you with regulations, with forms to fill in, with laws on top of laws, with laws inside of regulations within laws that do not exist. They then make you pay to be surveilled and searched and happily pay to be imprisoned in cities like rats in a cage. There is one thing though, you are many, and they are very small in number. We found that if everyone rose up, then there would be no way they would survive. They have the institutions, research, surveillance, armies and military intelligence, and you, the citizen have nothing apart from your numbers. That is it. They are actually quite scared of that fact, and if all those who were asleep were to wake up, then there may be trouble for them. This is why it is sometimes best to keep the asleep, sleeping for fear of an upset of the equilibrium of slavery,” Dr. Geister said.

The findings of the independently funded research reveal that there is a tipping point to how much the public can take from the controllers. Sporadic riots are easily quelled, however if the majority of the population was to simultaneously erupt, then there would be no defence.

Police Fury Over New Children’s Show PC Pleb

0

The new show on the CBeebies channel depicts all policemen as automatons, brainwashed plebs and ‘little Hitler’ jobsworths, who go around punishing citizens who commit minor crimes whilst leaving large crimes, committed by career criminals, to go unpunished.

“PC Pleb generally stays in the office doing paperwork, takes huge amounts of overtime and enjoys useless all-expenses-paid training initiatives, but when he is rarely out on the street, he would rather arrest someone for riding their bike on the pavement or make a big stink for some minor traffic infraction than catch a real criminal,” series producer, Ellen Aldridge, told BBC news.

In one episode entitled ’60k Pension at 45′, PC Pleb goes on two years paid leave whilst nursing an injured finger, and when he comes back from his paid holiday, is awarded a large pension for his bravery during his employment on the force and is retired from service.

“Kids love this show, it’s nothing like Cops and Robbers, just a bunch of plebs swimming around in the same old corrupt soup and protecting their lucrative salaries and pensions. Remember, if there was no crime, these cops would be out of a job, it is in their interest to keep things spicy. Look what they did with the riots in 2011,” a BBC controller revealed yesterday.

Netanyahu Talks About Daily Squib at UN

1

In a highly unusual move, the Israeli Prime Minister brought out the prop and started talking about his favourite stories on the Daily Squib.

“I’m drawing this red line here to demonstrate my level of humour, when it comes to the Squib I laugh because it is all so preposterous. It is almost as preposterous and nonsensical as the idea of Israel attacking Iran, I mean who could think of doing something so crazy. Me, start World War III? Naaah!” Netanyahu said to applause from the assembled UN dignitaries.

The Israeli PM then went on to talk about his favourite stories on the Daily Squib and how he was on the phone to Henry Kissinger the other day and they both had a good chuckle about it all.

He was later ushered off the stage by a man wearing an Acme Corporation uniform.

Mitt Romney Banned From Air Force One

2

“It’s real easy, if we let that moron on the plane, he’ll try and open the windows and doors at high altitude. That’s why he’s banned,” Elridge Mulrooney, a Pentagon organiser told Fox news.

Mr Romney seems to think that opening windows in a pressurised cabin at high altitude is perfectly permissible.

“You open the window or door at thirty thousand feet and you will see what will happen. I’d like to see Mitt do that, he’d get sucked out in a split second and unless he’s got a parachute he’d be up shit creek without a paddle,” Ernest Tendlebaum, an Obama White House aide quipped.

In the unlikely event that Romney becomes president, he will have to be transported around in a car and go outside the US by ship.

New Maths Exam For 15-Year-Olds Causes Stir

2

The new Ebacc maths exam which will replace the GCSE has caused some consternation amongst parent groups and pupils alike. The irregular questions were discovered during a preview of the new maths exams.

The exams proposed by Education Secretary Michael Gove are meant to be harder than the GCSEs but some say that the exams are a little weird.

Head teacher at the Bishop Bell Church of England School in Eastbourne, Lionel Simpers, said: “Pupils were attending a class for the new maths exam when alarm bells were raised at some of the questions.”

One of the maths questions asks: “If a 30 year old maths teacher takes a 15 year old female pupil off to France and they are travelling at an average speed of 23 mph what is the probability of the girl being relieved of her virginity?”

Then another maths question asks: “If the age of consent is 15 in France and it is 16 in the UK, what is the difference between the two countries?”

Israeli PM Netanyahu to Attend Letterman Show

0

“We heard he’s bringing his little red button with him on the show, just don’t press that thing or there’ll be hell to pay,” a jovial Letterman told his audience last night.

Letterman added: “We had that Barry in last week, and as you all know, Benjamin is trying to get a hold of him, he’s a week off but he’s getting closer I tell you.”

Benjamin Netanyahu has absolutley no humour and is incapable of laughter, so he is being coached by Israeli comedians on the art of laughter before his appearance on the show.

“It’s really hard, I think I would have better luck in getting a shekel from a Tel Aviv begger. We’ve tried everything but all he talks about is bombing this, bombing that, flattening Iranians, Hamas, more home building, and he loves bulldozers. He even knows the different makes, the modifications needed for demolishing Palestinian houses and that’s about it.”

According to Haaretz, Netanyahu has gone through twenty comedians and still no one has been able to find an ounce of humour in the guy.

“Let’s hope Letterman’s writers come up with something because we’re lost on this Bib’idiot,” one of the defeated Israeli comedians remarked.

Nick Clegg Attains Human Shield Status

0

“The only way the Tories could be voted into power was with a sobbing yellow rat like Clegg blubbering into his handkerchief as abuse after abuse is thrown at him from all and sundry. Clegg is the best human shield the Tories have after enacting hugely unpopular policies that make them even more hated amongst the population than during the latter stage of the Thatcher years. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, or in Clegg’s case — arse, the Tories need to keep the Lib Dem leader around to shelter them from the constant barrage of anti-governmental feeling brought on mostly by Georgey boy in the Treasury. Clegg is a wonderful punch bag, he gets up there, apologises, gets more stick, cries a bit, maybe a rotten tomato or three, and then it’s back to business as usual for the Tories. He takes negativity towards the Tories, he is a shield for the Conservatives, and one must keep the shield up in battle, or get hit yourself, thus losing the battle,” a Westminster insider divulged.

Unless Osborne turns the economy around soon, analysts say that the human shield of Nick Clegg may crack and be deemed useless.

“It’s only a matter of time until the Tory defence is breached, and if that happens, then Labour will have the shield. Once the bleating Dalek brother-killer Ed Milliband gets a taste of power, Britain will be lost forever under a sea of overspending, useless diktats, and economic disaster that will make this lot look like f*cking girl scouts,” he added.

Until then, Nick Clegg, please take the flack and the shrapnel, you go first.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH