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Kelly Osbourne Smelled a Cheeseburger on Fashion Set

The employee was sacked yesterday after an internal enquiry into the sudden seizure of Kelly Osbourne and her subsequent hospitalisation.

“She hasn’t eaten solids for two years so when she smelled the cheeseburger her body seized up. She was fighting the urge with all her might. We heard in the ambulance she tried to eat the medics hand and kept talking about sesame buns, lettuce, ketchup, mayo and partially melted cheese with a well done char-grilled juicy patty slapped in the middle. She looked white as a sheet when they took her out of that ambulance poor thing,” Angela Hernendez, one of the researchers on the show revealed to celebrity site TMZ.

Ms Osbourne was covered by a large white sheet to protect her modesty from the waiting crowds who had gathered to watch the spectacle.

Plasticine formaldehyde skinned co-host, Joan Rivers said of the tragedy: “I can’t smell a thing myself because my nose is not real, but I saw Kelly’s nose twitching wildly and her eyes rolled up and we just saw the whites of her eyes. Her mouth started to drool as she then started shaking like she was having a benzo-fit or like in the movie Scanners before that guy’s f*cking head blows up. At first I started to laugh because I’m a cruel piece of sh*t like that, but eventually I came to my senses and after twenty or so minutes decided to call for the ambulance.”

Obama Voters Will Get Struck By Drones In Their Own Country

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The cowardly method of clinically killing people from thousands of feet in the air utilising radio controlled drones will soon come to the people who voted for Obama in the first place.

Obama’s Attorney General, Eric Holder has vowed to roll out the drones in the United States saying he will not hesitate to kill Americans on their own soil.

“You voted for us you dumb f*cking sheep. So we got a present for all y’all. We gonna kill you with drones from the air. How’s that for a thank you,” Mr Holder said before giggling like a drunk hyena.

Let’s see how the American population feels to live in perpetual fear and terror like the rest of the world being terrorised by American killer drones.

Natwest Still Running on Windows 97

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“I phoned up my Natwest branch and they said their Windows 97 had crashed and I’d have to go somewhere else for the cash. This is ridiculous,” an irate Natwest customer told the BBC.

According to Natwest’s head of IT, the glitch was noticed when the dreaded ‘blue screen of death’ happened.

“Once you see that you know it’s all over. We’ve been trying for hours to get our system back up and may have to finally upgrade to Windows 98 soon. I wish we had Macs here. This would never have happened with OS X. I don’t know what I’m talking about..Aaargh..Jibber jabber jibber!” one of the Natwest IT boys said from the Bangalore company looking after the servers.

Desert Rats Told to Take Bicycles into Battle or Better Still Walk

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“We’ve taken away their tanks. They can bloody well walk into battle from now on,” a senior MoD policy chief told the Daily Telegraph.

Thanks to David Cameron’s sweeping budget cuts the 7th Armoured Brigade will from now on be called the 7th Bicycle Brigade.

Major Kirk Turner, a veteran of the Gulf war said: “I expect Rommel must be laughing in his grave to see our armoured division sent to the scrap yard. On the flip side, this taking away tanks malarkey could get the brigade fit again. All those hours sitting safely in tanks was getting our troops lazy and unfit.”

It’s not only the tank brigade that has lost its equipment; there is also news that the Royal Air Force cuts put into force this week mean that thousands of fighter planes have been sold off as scrap metal thus grounding over 98% of pilots.

Why Reading the Daily Squib is a ‘Better Pain Relief Cure than Painkillers’

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The study, from the University of Funster, Bulgaria, suggests that instead of using traditional painkillers, reading the Daily Squib can completely eliminate pain from readers.

“You can get your f*cking leg sawn off with a rusty blunt saw and as long as you’re reading the Daily Squib newspaper you won’t feel an ounce of pain or get a headache,” professor Radocu Allevia, told the BBC World Service yesterday.

Their research, reported in Dolorem, the journal of the International Pain and Headache Society, found that more than half of pain sufferers who read the Daily Squib during a prolonged painful episode experienced an improvement in symptoms.

They suggested that the Daily Squib triggered the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, through the central nervous system, which can in turn reduce, or even eliminate, pain.

“The majority of patients who were in constant pain did not feel anything when they were presented with the Daily Squib,” the study concluded.

“All we heard was groaning though when they were reading the Squib which suggests they are still possibly feeling excruciating pain by reading that utter f*cking dross but their mind is somehow blocking it out,” another researcher revealed.

The research team suggests that the Daily Squib somehow numbs the reader and tricks their brain into thinking that they’re not feeling pain but in fact reading the Daily Squib increases actual pain levels to excruciating levels and is a paradox for scientists.

“Maybe by creating so much pain, like levels you will not f*cking believe, the Squib forces your body to release the body’s natural pain relief drug, endorphins. This is one theory we are working with,” Aldous Nuwerld, another scientist on the project revealed.

Massive Sink Hole Swallows Up Whole of Florida

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“One minute it was there, the next it was gone,” Jose Alvarez, 46, a sugar cane picker told local news stations around the state line.

According to news reports a huge sink hole swallowed up the 65,000 square mile state in one fell swoop taking major cities like Miami, Tampa Bay, Orlando, Jacksonville all to the bottom of the 12,000 foot deep hole.

Bubb Waczinski from New York City was about to travel to Orlando’s main attraction, Disney World with his family of four but they missed the plane by twenty minutes.

“Good thing we missed the plane because later on we heard the whole state of Florida was swallowed up. All I want to know is do I get my money back? Shit cost me a fortune.”

President Obama has declared the whole of Florida a disaster zone, while the Republicans have shown their anger that it was not Washington DC that got swallowed up but the Sunshine State instead.

Meanwhile Google Earth will have to adjust its map and satellite images to factor in the massive hole where Florida once used to be.

Comrade Chavez Goes to the Great Dacha in the Sky

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“Our beloved Comrade is now at rest in the great dacha in the sky. Venezuela’s loss is Stalin, Marx, Mao, Ken Livinstone and Lenin’s gain. He will also be meeting up with the other great revolutionary, Che Guevara up there in the red commie clouds,” a Venezuelan mourner told local Caracas radio stations today.

The staunch communist who amassed a personal fortune of $2 billion will be buried sometime next week.

On a slow news day like today, it’s great to get a little injection of news, and the death of Hugo Chavez is certainly a little morsel to sate the appetite slightly.

“We needed some kind of news like this, but it was inevitable, especially after the recent denials by Venezuelan officials for the past few days that Chavez had died. It’s always the case with such stories that when you have vehement denials like that, you know the inevitable has already occurred,” one of the news hungry journo’s outside the Chavez palace told their audience.

Cameron: “Destruction of the Pound Nearly Complete”

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“By destroying the Pound we set ourselves up to eventually join the euro currency. That’s the ultimate plan I have been told by my boss Frau Merkel,” Mr Cameron divulged in a Sunday Times articles yesterday.

The complete devaluation of the pound also serves as a stick to beat the already impoverished people of Britain further.

“Indeed, if one engineers the destruction of the currency, this means imports are far more expensive and may have to be halted all together increasing the cost of living to dizzying heights. Furthermore, the low value of the Pound means that Britons cannot travel outside the UK any more or move their assets abroad either, unless of course they want to lose huge chunks of what little they have left. This coupled with the proposed negative banking base rate is a coup de grace on the neck of the populations, who are already under vast economic strain and an avalanche of personal debt. My esteemed colleague, George Osborne has also ensured that Britain has lost its valued AAA rating thus increasing government borrowing costs and future interest payments on our vast deficit. The standard of living in the UK is already one of the lowest in Europe, we want to bring it below Romania and Bulgaria so that when 29 million of them are eligible to come here soon, they will feel at home,” Mr Cameron added.

Even though the Prime Minister has proposed an EU referendum, there is very little chance that he may win the 2015 election, and even if he does, the amount of pro EU propaganda that is spewed out in the controlled media by him will ensure that the brainwashed battered Britons vote to stay in the EU or vote for Labour and embrace the EU anyway.

“One plans any government move years in advance of the actual act. We have already factored in many variables regarding the destruction of the formerly Great British Pound and the introduction of the euro. The vast influx of immigration from the Balkans and former Soviet Bloc countries will ensure that Britain’s society and culture is irreparably fractured and the all important class system is completely destroyed. This is the only way we can get Britain into the EU, by completely eradicating its culture and sovereignty. It is impossible to have a British class system when 85% of people in the room are from Eastern Europe and the Third World. This is how our masters, the EU technocrats, plan on destroying Britain from the inside by demanding the UK has unfettered immigration. As for the City, Brussels is already forcing them to dump their bonuses, looks like they who championed Britain staying in the EU for so long will be one of the hardest hit by the EU. Good luck to you boys, you voted for the EU and wanted to stay in, you can enjoy losing all your goodies now,” an anonymous source from Westminster revealed Monday.

The planned destruction of the Pound is an element that ties in with the back-door integration of the euro in Scotland when it votes to gain independence soon. The Scots know that they will embrace the euro just like their Celt cousins, the Irish.

“Once the Scots strategically embrace the euro, broken Britain’s England will eventually be forced to join itself or be further destroyed economically. It will be surrounded from all sides and have nowhere to go. What are they going to do in England, and Northern Ireland? Perhaps, they can move everyone to their precious Falkland Islands. That will be funny,” an unnamed unnelected technocrat from Brussels said on Sunday.

Cruise Tops Scatology Cult Hall of Fame

“When I first saw Tom, he reminded me of a stubborn dingleberry I once had because he is so insistent and demanding. I just knew we had to recruit him into the cult so he could recruit more die hard Scatology fans.” Head of the Scatology cult, David Chimpchunks, told Scatology Today magazine.

Ever since the Scatology cult was invented by N. Ron Hubbub years ago with an almighty anal sneeze that released a load of alien sewer serpents into the depths of peoples’ minds, the cult has gone from strength to strength and recruited millions to its ranks.

“Our bowl is overflowing with supersonic klingon sewer sauce and the recruits keep coming and coming,” a jubilant David Chimpchunks said yesterday from the cult’s lavish offices in a sewage processing plant in Beverly Hills.

The 56th Scatology Awards will take place in April and are sure to be as entertaining as a bowl of fresh steaming turd soup.

First Mama Michelle Obama in Chitlin Kitchen Hell

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Michelle Obama has already been responsible for countless members of the White House staff to leave in abject disgrace after falling out with the First Lady.

“I seen her throw knives in the kitchen if the chitlins ain’t cooked right. I was washing some collard greens and she didn’t think I did it right, nigga crazy! I left after that!” Jaeneisha Latonga, an ex-White House cook revealed.

While Barack Obama acts like a jumped up dictator above ground, in the White House kitchens, the staff despair at the female dictator who is prone to bullying and thuggery of the highest order.

“I was cooking the Obamas they favourite meal, hogs maw, chitlins, ham hock, corn bread, cockscombs wit’ rice and beans, hmm, hmm when she came in and started shouting at me that I ain’t cookin’ it like her mama cooked it. I said ‘bitch cook this’ and threw a bowl of chicken feet at her. I never seen eyes like that, I gots thrown out with the trash without pay, shiiet!” Edna Jackson, a cook who is now working for a downtown Washington DC restaurant recalled.

The Obama’s like to have their food cooked the right way or there is hell to pay.

“When it come to soul food you gots to do it right but what da Obamas doin’ is actin’ like communisses. This ain’t no Marxiss? This ain’t no Stallin show huh? They’s got to get wit’ treatin’ they staff right. Ima have to go git anutha zone, anutha massa cuz this sucks. Stop wit da dictatin’ an’ shieet!” an anonymous White House kitchen worker said yesterday.

This year the White House kitchen has gone through thirty seven cooks already, up 15% from the same time last year.