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U.S. Election: Will Dimpled Chads Rear Their Ugly Heads Again?

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It’s that election time again and many are expecting the same sort of chad drama as was witnessed during the Florida count in 2000.

“I can’t wait to see those dimpled chads and I been waiting four years for another dimple session,” Chad Briers, an election official told CBS news.

This year it could be down to the wire with Romney vs Obama in a dimpled chad showdown that could swing things for the right candidate.

“Dimpled chads, hanging chads, pregnant chads, ooh I can’t wait to wade into those chads come election time,” Jimmy Coursey, another vote official told ABC news.

Millions of Britons Mourn Death of Ceefax

The revolutionary teletext service was finally switched off today and had been going since 1974.

“It was a bit like the internet but you’d have to wait for bloomin’ ages to get to the page you wanted. I look back with fondness at wanting to see page 8 when it was at page 9 out of 46. Or how about when you couldn’t get a good reception and everything would get garbled?” Lawrence Battledent, a Ceefax enthusiast told BBC news today.

Another Ceefax enthusiast recalled: “Even when the internet came along with its swish graphics and instant clicks, I would still go onto Ceefax to watch those pixelated lego graphics and read the news on it or check if my numbers ever came up on the lotto. Of course, they never did but never mind eh.”

RIP Ceefax at least you were better loved than that other BBC creation Jimmy Savile.

God Particle Found in Book of Mormon Says Romney

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“This here Mormon bible reveals to me the truth about God’s message to us as humans and the pages reveal that the God Particle does exist in this book. There is no need for Higgs Boson or the Hadron Collider, your science is irrelevant when it comes to the words of the great messenger Joseph Smith who lived from 1805 to 1844 and wrote the Mormon bible,” Mr Romney told an audience of believers at the Holy Joseph Smith church in Salt Lake City yesterday.

Cain and Abel

In 1823, Smith said that while praying at night for forgiveness from his sins, he was visited by an angel named Moroni, who revealed the location of a buried book of golden plates as well as other artefacts, including a breastplate and a set of spectacles with lenses composed of seer stones, which had been hidden in a hill near his home. Smith said he attempted to remove the plates the next morning but was unsuccessful because the angel prevented him. In other words, he was a fucking nut job.

The Holy Mormon church also believes that blacks are cursed of the earth: “But let them apostatize, and they will become gray-haired, wrinkled, and black, just like the Devil”

“You can see now why it is my mission to get America back into the light from the despicable Luciferian abortion-loving child killer Obama. This is a mission from God, and I hold up the Book of Mormon to exorcise the United States, our God given land, back to the true people who inherited it. The Book of Mormon is the God Particle, no science or black imposter president can take away our country’s rights to be a Mormon land of God. I vow to help our nation recover from the Obama ungodly ways, he may very well be a Muslim, and you know in America’s eyes that means he consorts with Satan,” Mitt Romney told the assembled Mormon followers in the church.

Mitt’s vision for America also extends to the cities and towns across the country, when he wins the election on November 6 he vows to build a Mormon church in every city and town in America. These great towering monoliths will remind Americans every day that their servitude to God encompasses all facets of daily life in the United States.

“When I am in the White House, I want to bring America back to what it used to be, like in the 1800s when we used to have strange fruit hanging from the trees and real justice, and God-fearing people, that’s what I want to do, and I know you will all vote for me,” Romney added to rapturous applause from the audience.

Pope Benedict Topless South of France Photos Sold to French Magazine

Zut Alors! says the pictures will appear in its latest issue, due to be released on 14 November. A teaser of the magazine’s front cover has already appeared on Zut Alors‘s website, featuring pictures of the Pope in a papal vestment apparently about to remove his top as well as alleged photos of him frolicking in a pool.

The pictures were taken with a long lens when Pope Benedict was staying at the French chateau owned by the Vatican, a week before flying back to the Holy See to commence preperations for the Christmas period.

According to a report from the BBC Paris bureau, the pictures are blurry but the person in them is clearly the Pope.

“The Pope and Vatican are saddened that his privacy has been breached. It’s a terrible violation of privacy when Pope Benedict was simply sunning himself,” Vatican officials told Sky News.

“He woke up to the story this morning (and) has seen the photos, which were taken at a private hotel by a private swimming pool.”

It is reported that several British and Italian newspapers were offered the pictures, but all declined the opportunity to publish.

Pleb Rebellion Taking Down Tories

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“In the old days the oiks knew their place. Now they’re fighting back. I really don’t know what on earth is going on?” a baffled Tory revealed today.

What with the chief whip getting himself all resigned and fired for telling a lowly pleb jobsworth copper to get a life for being a little Hitler, and Georgy boy from the Treasury getting a rollicking from a lowly ticket inspector on a train for fare dodging? What’s going to happen next, David Cameron and Nick Clegg being chucked out of a hospital ward by a crazy NHS surgeon in front of TV crews? Surely not.

“I think that Osborne should’ve done a Bullingdon on the boy who dared ask for his ticket. Of course, the Chancellor of the Exchequer of Great Britain can ride in any f*cking carriage he wants, surely the oiks should understand that fact. One thing is for sure, Mitchell and Osborne will find the names of these shisters and make sure their careers go the way of the dodo,” another disgruntled Tory revealed.

Meanwhile, the Conservatives are now cowering in abject fear of the lowly plebeians.

EU Soviet Agenda and Comrade Cameron

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The new poster is a clear signal that the EU incorporates elements of a Soviet Fascist bloc and is a direct threat to freedom, democracy and humanity as a whole.

A warning from history

“Not only are we laughing in the face of all citizens within the European Union, we are also revealing ourselves to be truly a Soviet system where we amalgamate and assimilate all within our borders. We also hold elements of the Fasci rods keeping the EU nations together in strength, as well as elements of national self-sufficiency and independence, through protectionist and interventionist economic policies. We destroy all individuality, all nationality, and dictate all economic policy. This is the EU, and when we get our stormtroopers goose stepping on the streets, you will see what you have got yourselves into. Remember that evil is allowed to happen when good men stand by and do nothing. The EU was allowed to happen, as was Stalin’s Soviet bloc, and Hitler’s Reich. No one did anything, nations stood by until it was too late, banks financed them until it was too late. The same is up with the EU, no one did anything, and unelected EU bureaucrats now rule over you. You pay for my unlimited expense account and my diamond encrusted pension plan, my unlimited global travel perks and my laughter at you pleb citizens, the scum that you are, I laugh and spit at you,” an unelected EU bureaucrat said from the EU parliament yesterday.

An EU Army is the next step for the totalitarian state

British premier, David Cameron, who knows very well what the EU is and how it will finally reveal itself to be a totalitarian Soviet Fascistic state, was all too eager to proffer his congratulations to the EU for its recent Nobel Peace Prize.

“I have been told to say this by my superiors in Brussels. I say to the British people that the key to joining the Eurozone will be Scotland. When they embrace the EU, as Southern Ireland did, then we as England will be given no choice but to join the EU as well. I know the plan, as do many other cabinet members. A referendum in Scotland is the key to the Scottish people breaking up Britain until it is ultimately weakened. Divide and conquer, as always, a British Empire trick is being used against us, and I am complicit with my masters, as a traitor to Britain. I have emphatically denied the British people an In/Out EU referendum, because I know that the British people do not want any part of the EU. To this end, I am a liar and traitor to my own people but my masters have promised me great things for delivering the UK to them on a platter. Our laws in Britain are fully managed by Brussels/Germany now and it is going to get even more insidious in the future. We were not defeated in WW1 and WW2 but Britain will be defeated by me denying the people their rights to determine their destiny. You say we live in a democracy, I say you do, but that democracy is under EU regulations now and they will tell me what to do about how much democracy you are allowed from now on. So please carry on as you are, watch your Come Dancing and Britain’s Got Talent shows. Do not think for one second about what is going to happen to you, or your children in the future. Why not just text away and read your Facebook page. There is nothing to worry about.”

 

Westminster Farmer: Time to Clean Out the Trough Once Again

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“We had a lull after the last pig pen clear out and looks like we’re back again, and it seems the greedy little pigs have not learned their lesson. Once a greedy piggy, always a greedy piggy I say,” Farmer Giles of Westminster farm told the Daily Telegraph.

Every few years the pig troughs get rather messy and many pigs get too greedy for their own good, it is the farmer’s job to clean the troughs out and slaughter the particularly greedy members of the farm.

Some pigs are so greedy in the Houses of Porkliment that they rent out their pig pens to unsuspecting piglets then get others to pay for another pen all the while gorging on as much food as they can.

“I’ve named and shamed these greedy pigs. There’s Amess, Harvey, Riordan, Bryant, Dr. Fox and many others,” Farmer Giles disclosed.

One must not forget the despicable Bercow of the farmer’s yard, the little silly moo with the funny wife, who tried to stop knowledge of the pigging out sessions coming out. Apparently he’s up for the slaughterhouse too. Good riddance.

Romney U.S. Election Debate: “Boy, You Gotta Know Your Place”

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“Hold your horses boy, now go on git, we let you in the house for a while but you ain’t proved yourself, I say, you ain’t proved yourself because your record ain’t showing me that you been spending yo massa’s money well. I predict that soon you’re gonna be sleepin’ back in the stables with the rest of your kin folk,” Romney said.

Obama’s Rebellion

Obama kept his cool throughout the onslaught and even answered back with a calm collected tone, emphasising his mastery of the white man’s rhetoric and oratory.

“We don’t take kindly to that kind of aggressive behaviour from Obama, now he better pipe down or I’m gonna have to crack the whip,” Romney warned during the 45 minute debate.

The threats from Romney fell on deaf ears as Obama continued answering back with a vengeance that obviously riled Romney.

An observer at the debate noted: “Romney came short of offering Obama 40 acres and a mule just to get him off his back and barely asserted his dominance over Obama’s onslaught. You gotta hand it to Obama, this was one cool performance and he came back with some pretty mean one liners that made the Republican look like a prize ass.”

Scientists Breed First Ever Miniature Great White Sharks

“The miniature Great Whites are still just as deadly and can give you a nasty nip on the finger. We filled a whole tub full of these things and you should’ve seen the feeding frenzy when we dropped a bucket of chum in there,” professor Dean Queluude, told National Geographic magazine.

Some are questioning the relevance of such research and if playing with nature in such a way can in fact damage the food chain as well as evolution.

“We have bred thousands of mini Great White sharks, and our next project is to breed mini elephants. They will be like the bonsai creatures of the wild, an ultimate statement on how far we have come in science, to genetically alter nature to such a level that we can achieve almost anything,” the professor added.

The mini Great White sharks (Pusillus carcharodon carcharias) will however not be released into the wild as they could cause an immediate change to nature’s fragile eco system.

They are however already being sold in aquariums worldwide as a great addition to the many different types of tropical fish already available to enthusiasts.

Could November 6 Be U.S. Election Riot Night?

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“Look at the November 6 elections as an elastic band. How far can you pull that thing before it snaps? If Obama wins, you’re going to get some seriously pissed off people, if Romney wins you’re going to get some pretty pissed off people,” a citizen of Philadelphia told CNBC news.

The divisive nature of the elections is pitting Americans against Americans, people who are neighbours, people who you go to work with, even families are split. The populations are rooting for their champion, but what if their hero loses. Could there be major riots across America? How come Homeland Security recently purchased literally tonnes of hollow point ammunition. America is a tinderbox of weaponry waiting to go off.

“You can smell the gasoline in the air, all it will take is one spark and then we got gun city on our ass. We’re talking fireworks here that will be able to be viewed from space,” a Los Angeles resident told local news stations.

People are generally frustrated by the government, and one does not need a poll to see that, just look at the Tea Party movement and Occupy Wall Street and blacks being pitted against whites. These factions are poles apart and the fracture across America is getting larger and larger every day.

Naturally, if Mitt Romney wins the U.S. election come November 6 there will be calls of racism, and calls that the election was rigged. The ensuing race war and riots would cover the whole country. Black people are restless. If Obama wins there will be recriminations for ethnic minorities and black people as well as Liberals, as well as calls of reverse racism and cheating. The all powerful U.S. Israeli lobby does not want Obama re-elected and will do anything in its power to halt his re-election. The deep sense of frustration and malaise felt by the long suffering American people could very well spill over into violence, riots and urban combat. Even though the Federal government, as well as State legislature have probably factored in some form of unrest on election result night, there may not be enough resources to deal with the explosive nature of the people’s frustration and ultimate destructive discontent.

The American people are like the San Andreas fault that goes under major Californian cities. The tectonic plates are being pulled under and under until one day, they’re going to snap back up causing a major race war earthquake. With gasoline prices rising daily under Obama, the threat of huge tax rises and a deeply unpopular spending plan, as well as possible plans to curb gun ownership in his second term, Obama is looking increasingly isolated. As for the underdog, Romney, he is viewed as a champion of business and he seems to know how to balance the books, but is also viewed as a religious right wing freak, unpopular with women because of his anti-abortionist stance and anti-homosexual views and unpopular with blacks purely because he is white and threatens to take away foodstamps. This does not endear him to the Liberals.

What are you going to do when the supermarket shelves are empty? Who are you going to call on your brand new iphone when the networks go down? How are you going to pay for things when the ATM is empty and the banks have shutters?

Election night on November 6 is a crossroads because it will determine the destiny of the United States, do they take the right path or the wrong path? Whichever way the election goes, there could be major riots in all American cities as the people meet to sort things out themselves. There will be calls of ‘Voter Fraud’ and ‘Election Fraud’, ‘Election Cheating’ and ‘Diebold Voter Fraud’. The riots will be symbolic as much as 911 was to the enlightened ones, and they may well be a signal that America may be introducing its second revolution to world history to finally sort out a system that is rotten to the core.

“If you can’t make things right in the ballot box, then you go to the streets, that’s where real justice is meted out,” a Capitol Hill insider revealed.

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