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Socialist Tory Party to Join With Socialist Labour Party and Lib Dem Socialists

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“On the voter slip will be one single box to tick and this will simplify the process of voting for everyone in the UK,” an election organiser said yesterday.

Plans are already under way for the simplified election which will see one single socialist party win the vote.

“We live in a socialist system anyway so it does not matter which party comes into power. It is all socialised health care, socialised welfare and socialised state schools run by a socialist council system and socialist Whitehall state control system,” a Westminster insider revealed.

Obamas Want to Take State Funded Space Vacation

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“We take over 45 vacations every year each costing multi-millions of dollars  all paid for by hard working American taxpayers, so I want y’all to work harder because Michelle has asked me to gibs her a space vacation with all her peeps too,” president Barack Hussein Obama told reporters in the White House’s Rose garden on Saturday.

The brief sojourn into space will cost over $850 million but is considered pocket change with the amount of money Obama spends per year on entertainment, vacations and gifts.

“Michelle has to take her troupe of stylists, hairdressers, pedicure team, manicurists, personal trainers, dieticians and don’t forget the astrologers. The First Lady also has over 400 friends and hangers-on who will expect to be wined and dined at the expense of the the US taxpayer. Remember that ill fated trip to Spain a few years back? Well, this time Michelle will quadruple the budget spend and she wants Barry to pull all the NASA strings. If they can have a bouncy castle up there in the temporary space station for the guests, she will make damn sure that they get one. As for the food, it ain’t gonna be that nasty astronaut slop in plastic sacks, she wants Obama to fix it so that the guests get a real chef to serve up gourmet macrobiotic health food,” a White House aide revealed.

Many House Republicans have said they hope the trip is a one way ticket to some galaxy far far away.

Man Finds Life on Mars Behind Sofa

“I was looking for the CD for two whole days. It’s my favourite David Bowie record and I finally found it in the back crack of my sofa. I felt so liberated, like I had achieved something. Thank you, there really is Life on Mars and even though there were ketchup stains all up the box I just wiped it off and it’s as good as new,” Budd Mayerschlitz, told local news outlets after finding the long lost album.

The good news was also hailed by the man’s long-suffering girlfriend Irene Danitz, who said: “He was getting ready to download the whole album for free from some torrent site but I stopped him. We want Bowie to get some royalties because his shite new album will probably only sell about 50 copies worldwide and downloading music for free is an awful thing to do to artists.”

NASA meanwhile has not found any life on Mars.

North Korea Launches Pebbles Into South China Sea

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“This is a threat because those pebbles looked kind of threatening. Some even skimmed along the surface of the calm water before disappearing into the murky yellowy green depths,” an observer from a rubber dinghy off the North Korean shore told Reuters news agency Friday.

There is reason to believe that North Korea could up the scale of the threat by launching bricks or even large wooden timbers into the sea.

“You can never underestimate the North Korean threat. This is why we have brought in our anti sticks and stones defence systems to neighbouring islands,” US Homeland Security officer, Colonel Miles Fenster told CNN news yesterday.

Mervyn King: “Economic Recovery in Sight”

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As the once teeming with life High Streets of Britain are now boarded up graffiti ridden ghost towns with tumble weed made from rubbish blowing through their cold freezing façades, take a look around you, we are about to witness a full economic recovery because the outgoing Governor of the Bank of England says so.

As you tuck your starving kids into their soiled sheets in the freezing hovel which you cannot afford to heat, why not tell them about how the Governor has assured everyone that good times are ahead.

Put your grandparents on a death pathway in some sodden crumbling underfunded NHS death trap ward and look around at the nurses and doctors ignoring all the patients as they slowly die of starvation and lack of water.

Don’t forget the squalid state schools where no one can speak English any more and your child is put in the back of the overcrowded class, ignored by the overworked barely functioning teachers strained to breaking point.

Try and buy a bus ticket if you can afford one or take out a bank loan if you can get one to afford a train ticket to go to work. Don’t forget your car though, that thing left in the drive because you cannot pay the MOT, exorbitant road tax, insurance, let alone fill it up with petrol taxed at 95% of the price.

Can’t get a job? There is hope though, try to open a business and make a living in an economy and system which taxes you to non existence and destitution.

Oh, and another thing, Governor Sir Mervyn King says there is an economic recovery coming soon.

New Pope Wants Catholic Church to Invade Falklands

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“We will mobilise the Catholic church and invade the Falkland Islands. Once we throw the Brits out and their stupid referendum, we will build a miniature copy of St Paul’s Basilica there and put an Argie flag on top of it,” pope Jorge Bergoglio, aka Francis I, told the crowd awaiting his first appearance as pope, Wednesday.

The new pope has spoken of his desire to bring honour to his homeland of Argentina once and for all.

Argentine president, Cristina Kirchner was very happy at the news of the Argentinian pope and celebrated by getting more botox into her swollen rubber lips.

“blabber blibber blubber,” she said to a TV audience from her Buenos Aires presidential mansion.

New Houses of Parliament Design Proposal Accepted

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Even Prince Charles has been wowed by the new Houses of Parliament design and has fully endorsed the radical proposal.

“When the armoured secure vehicles transport the MPs through the solid new gates, they will be kept there in the Houses of Parliament for as long as their sentences are required to be incarcerated at Her Majesty’s Pleasure,” Rupert Magwitch, head of the presentation team for Huhne Architectural Services, said.

Some MPs have voiced their concerns for the new design but were swiftly put in their place with a bout of solitary.

The architect revealed to Architecture Today magazine that he came up with the idea for the new design whilst speeding in his car with his wife.

“I told my wife to take the wheel whilst I drew up a design on a napkin. We were doing 70mph in a 20 zone. If it wasn’t for her help I wouldn’t have got the commission.”

Building for the new Houses of Parliament project will commence next week.

Are Mass Hypno Parties the Latest Big Thing?

“Like we get about fifty to a hundred kids in a room and everyone gets hynotised by each other. The beauty of this is that we all do it in silence and just sit there in a hypnotic altered state of consciousness until someone snaps us all out of it,” Doug Schulz, a freshman from Alabama’s Ducats University told local news outlets.

The mass hypno craze seems to be spreading like wildfire from state to state and is causing parents some concern.

“I guess if it’s a toss up between lil Jimmy becoming a gang banger, smoking weed or getting some girl pregnant, we opt for mass hypnosis. At least this way he sits there in a room for hours and does no harm to anyone or himself,” David Weinsberger, a concerned parent told CBS news.

Professor Julien Senrero from Harvard University explains a little more about the phenomena: “Contrary to belief, mass hypnosis parties have been performed on Americans for a long time. If anyone ever attended a church service; a football, baseball game or went to the cinema to watch a movie, you have been party to some form of mass hypnosis. Even something as innocent as watching the TV is a form of hypnosis.”

As the mass hypnosis parties spread across America, one thing is for sure, teens are embracing a clean and quiet bit of fun and there is nothing to be afraid of. Your eyes are getting tired, you can feel your eyelids getting heavier, slowly close your eyes now and relax…ahhhh…

Why Wear Google Glasses When You Can Have an Implant?

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“Why would you want to wear such things on your head? Especially when we have the technology to put all of that and more into your head. We can hardwire technology into your brain so that you can do a google search with a single thought, recall any book in history, speak to anyone you want in the world, and record any neuromorphic memory or visual, auditory experience you want with a blink of an eye,” Hubert Ventrine, a chief scientist at MicroDent Networks situated in California, USA told New Scientist magazine.

As well as the brain chip, there are plans for mandatory RFID chip implants in humans using the ruse of medical necessity or Obamacare.

Wearing special digital internet connected glasses are of course a way to slowly get people used to being connected at all times to the digital womb blanketing the world and human population.

“You can’t go from A – Z in one go. You have to go step by step so people get used to the steps and it is not a shock to their system. When we want people to embrace new technology we have to ease them into the direction we want them to go. We can also utilise celebrities and the media to make it cool. Once the people embrace one step willingly, then we move them onto the next step. Brain Microchipping will be here soon, and it will revolutionise humanity fusing machine with man. The hive mind will be a form of human Cloud computing and it will link everyone, and will be crucial to functioning in the new society. If you do not however embrace the brain chipping, you will probably be left behind, lose your job and be ostracised by the hive mind. By completely destroying the individual, we will introduce better, more advanced control systems for the global neural human mind,” Gunther Heinz, head of communications at Net Bios, another company developing a neural brain chip for the future, told the BBC.

North Korea Says ‘Prepare For Amazing Dancing Troupe Show’

Kim Jong-un escalated his inflammatory response to a new round of Gangnam You Tube videos by ordering his dancers on the border with South Korea to prepare for some “serious frigging dancing”. 

But China, North Korea’s only powerful ally, publicly urged “calm and Gangnam restraint”. 

Mr Kim chose a highly sensitive location for his address to the North Korean state’s official dancing troupe, visiting dance studios facing the South Korean island of Yeonpyeong, where a North Korean dance-off permanently crippled four people and wounded 19 in 2010.

Mr Kim “stressed the need for the dancers to keep themselves fully ready to go into action to dance like they never danced before”.

Mr Kim’s open talk of a new Korean Gangnam style dance-off came after his regime threatened America with a “pre-emptive thermo-groovy booty shake up” that would wipe the arses off those American hip hop body poppers once and for all.

The aggressive dance pose came in response to the unanimous vote in the UN Security Council on Thursday to impose further North Korean dance sanctions.