17.7 C
London
Saturday, October 31, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 653

EU CYPRUS CRISIS: British Expats Urged Not to Take Their Money Out of Spain

Gamozo Makarios
-
3
EU CYPRUS CRISIS: British Expats Urged Not to Take Their Money Out of Spain

“We urge you all to keep your money in Spanish banks because it is about as safe as a choir boy bending over in a Catholic church vestry. Please do not worry, when the banks open on Tuesday in Cyprus, everyone will keep their money in there and it won’t all be taken out in a massive frenzy,” Robert Tarreton, a Home Office spokesman in Spain told the BBC World Service.

There is no threat of contagion or panic! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Get out NOW!!!! PANIC!!

Eurocrats were quick to assure depositors that they would not do the same thing in Spain as they did in Cyprus with a forced levy.

“We have your best interests at heart. We care about you and your money. Hmm, there must be a lot more money in Spain than Cyprus. Hmmm, I wonder if we could do the same thing as Cyprus. What can you do about it? Nada, nothing. Nah, don’t worry we would never take 40% of your life savings, he,he,he,he!” an unnamed unelected eurocrat revealed on Saturday.

So please keep your money in Spanish banks, there is nothing to worry about, AAAaaargh! There is no need to panic and get your cash out as soon as possible while you still have a chance! You don’t need to transfer it back to the UK pronto! Do not PANIC!!! There is nothing to worry about before the massive capital flight starts from EU banks soon.

Oligarchs in Hotel Fight Cause Billions Pounds Damage

Gamozo Makarios
-
1

“It was hell. The oligarchs just went crazy when one of them started to brag about his billions and pulled out a huge wad of cash from his pocket,” the hotel’s bell boy revealed.

In addition to the dining hall, the ballroom and hotel’s reception, several levels were trashed and some of the oligarchs even dropped wads of cash around.

“I’ve never seen so much money on the floor. Well, it was blood, hair and money strewn all over the expensive broken décor,” Mrs Janice Smith, 54, who had gone to have a cup of tea and scones at the hotel’s dining room.

The hotel manager explained his take on the situation: “In the old days it used to be rock stars doing the damage but now that the music biz is an insipid lame pool of mediocrity, it is the oligarchs having their destructive fun.”

Some even suggested that the Bullingdon club may have attended briefly but this was dismissed as the evidence clearly leads to the Russians.

Taylor Swift Looking For New Song Material

Gamozo Makarios
-
0

Taylor Swift is looking for new song material for her latest album which will no doubt fly off the shelves to pre-pubescent girls when it comes out next week.

“She’s a fast worker, she can come up with an album in less than a week,” an executive from her record company told Rolling Stone magazine.

By noon yesterday queues of eager men were snaking around the building where Taylor Swift was located reports from local news stations said.

One man in the queue, Ed Gaines, 38, from Nashville said: “Amon getta chance to be on a Taylor Swift a’bum, uh huh. Can’t wait to get on her and getta work, then when am furnished, she gawn chuck me outta the room and git the next boy in.”

Bailiffs Turn Up at George Osborne’s House

Gamozo Makarios
-
0

“I was walking my dog when I saw the bailiffs turn up outside George’s flat. They practically broke his door down I heard a lot of effin’ and blindin’, this that and the other. Soon after they went in they came out with his telly and a few bits’n’bobs. It’s a sad state of affairs innit, we’re all in the red and looks like so is he,” Arthur Daley, 56, one of the residents on Osborne’s street revealed to the BBC.

According to reports, the Chancellor has not been paying his bills and the high cost of living in London is having an effect on nearly everyone.

“It’s London’s cost of living innit? I know that Osborne probably gets a fair bit in gov. pay, but I’ve also heard he’s partial to a bit of gambling not just on the frigging UK budget but at home too, more so than that mentalist Brown ever was,” another resident on the same street revealed.

Finance Experts: Cypriot Rejection of Bank Levy Means Bank Depositors Could Lose Everything

Gamozo Makarios
-
0

“There are a few reasons all banks will be shut for the next week in Cyprus. Firstly, there would be capital flight en masse, then there would be financial melt down because a lot of the money that depositors put into the Southern Greek banking system does not exist any more. It was lost to the Greek bond bailouts. So if you as a depositor put your life savings into one of these banks, the bank used your money already. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it because the banks themselves are bankrupt unless they get more money from the ECB to pay depositors. This is the reason they cannot open the banks again because there is nothing to give to you,” a Laiki Bank official said from his luxury yacht moored in Paphos.

Because Greek Cypriot ministers rejected the proposed bank levy, the liquidity in the Cyprus banking system is now zero, or minus.

“We now stand to lose the whole deposit of our accounts because of the rejection of the 10% bank levy. I guess we will have to kiss Russian ass huh,” a depressed kebab shop owner told Cyprus Daily newspaper.

EU officials were said to be actually quite glad that the Cypriots rejected the deal and look forward to the next round of events.

Could Cyprus Be End of Eurozone?

Gamozo Makarios
-
28
Could Cyprus Be End of Eurozone?

The Assyrians first took the island in 721 BC from the primitive hunter gatherers, and then the Egyptians in 570 BC then later on by the Persians around 545 BC. After a long succession of civilisations over history the tiny little island is still divided and now claimed by the modern Greeks after their attempt of mass genocide in 1964 and 1974 on the minority 18% Muslim population subsequently thwarted by the UN and Turkish army.

There has never been a nation or civilisation that has managed to hold on to the islands indefinitely and this is why its sheer volatility within the region is an important factor for the eurozone currency and ultimately the world economy.

Contagion

The EU led by Germany has asked for a bank levy on the crooked Greek Cypriot banks brimming with laundered cash from the Russian Mafiosi. The Troika thought they would have their pound of flesh via a 10% forced taxation on all bank accounts, but they underestimated the nature of the Greek Cypriots, who do not like to pay tax let alone a levy on their savings. Furthermore, by crossing the Russian mafia, you will incur the wrath of Putin and his network of Russki thugs and hit men. Does the EU need the hassle of this hornets nest? Better for Merkel to drop this one like a hot potato, take the loss and move on.

The only slight drawback to dropping Southern Cyprus from the eurozone would be Greece maybe causing a scene. This may be a good excuse to drop them as well and cut the losses there. As for Italy and Spain, it would be better for the ECB and Merkel to put all their efforts into keeping them in the EU and not waste anymore precious euros on the profligate states who are just a cash black hole with no industry or will to cooperate.

Cameron’s Stasi Officers Closing Down Free Speech Once and For All in UK

Gamozo Makarios
-
1
Cameron’s Stasi Officers Closing Down Free Speech Once and For All in UK

The unjust order of Leveson is set to bring in the draconian Stasi laws that will stop all free speech in the UK whether it is printed or on the web.

“These draconian laws are the final nail in the coffin for any form of freedom in the UK and a precursor for more nasty stuff to come. East Germany, Stalin’s Russia and the Chinese Politburo cannot come close to what Cameron is doing to Britain’s democracy. He makes Gordon Brown look like a girl scout in taking away people’s freedoms and rights. They will shut down anything with any form of argument or different position to their Stalinist Soviet Zionagenda,” a Westminster insider revealed today.

Not only is everything tracked and logged in the UK but press freedom will soon be shut down as well as free speech.

Let’s all thank the celebrity stooges like Hugh Grant and Steve Coogan who were wheeled out to push for the killing off of free speech, but most of all you can thank Rupert Murdoch who without his efforts in tarnishing journalism would not have achieved this curb on freedom of speech.

“First they created the problem, then they created the outcry, and now the solution. The Hegelian Dialectic has been very effective in shutting down press freedom and freedom of speech,” an unnamed source from somewhere revealed Tuesday before being arrested and taken away to be silenced forever.

Satan to Play Obama in New White House Mini-series

Gamozo Makarios
-
1
Satan to Play Obama in New White House Mini-series

“The Obama character was played by Lucifer himself who manifested for a few days during filming and he was actually a very jovial and witty chap. Nothing like that boring Jesus guy,” series producer, Evangelina Evangelical told CBS entertainment news.

The plot for the History Channel mini-series revolves around a president who comes out of nowhere and causes destruction and chaos on a scale never before seen, especially for right wing white Christian Americans.

“This is a true story of a guy who is put in the White House to carry out some pretty devilish actions. We casted Satan to play the Obama character, and he signed the contract jokingly telling us it’s usually the other way round. The only drawback was the smell of sulphur on set. That Lucifer dude sure does stink to high heaven, plus he burned our sofa to a crisp,” Espicabar Muscovitch, another series producer revealed to Entertainment Today magazine.

The mini-series has become a huge ratings hit and audience numbers are continually rising with each episode bringing a much needed boost to the History Channel.

EU Bank Grab Coming to UK Soon?

Gamozo Makarios
-
0
EU Bank Grab Coming to UK Soon?

Let us not beat around the bank balance here. David Cameron is a pro-EU lackey and so is Nick Clegg. The good cop bad cop routine is wearing thin now. The intention is to bring the UK into the eurozone sooner than later and when that happens you may have to say goodbye to ownership of property and huge cash grabs on your bank accounts. Do you want that? Are you pro-EU now? The Labour party is staunchly pro-EU because they are socialists and this means wealth is redistributed from the wealthy to the poor. What choice do Britons have in the coming sham 2015 elections? Vote for one pro-EU entity or vote for another pro-EU entity.

The EU is a neo-communofascist entity, modelled on the Fasci sticks and deep Marxist principles. How can a neo-communofascist entity exist, isn’t it an anomaly to even suggest two opposing political ideologies could be fused together as one? Well the EU is that very entity and the 10% cash tax on all bank accounts in Cyprus is proof that its intentions are not honourable or just.

“As I have said earlier, Scotland’s revenge on the English will be their joining the catastrophic entity of the eurozone. This will thus split the UK, as the Celts in Southern Ireland have embraced the euro as well. England and Northern Ireland will be isolated economically and politically. Eventually they will be forced to join the eurozone and finally be absorbed into the amalgamated soup of EU soviet conquest. With leaders like Cameron and Clegg, or Ed Miliband, what hope does Britain have on holding out against the terroristic euro-reich might of the eurozone? You will be assimilated just like the Borg, you cannot resist, there is nothing anyone can do now as the UK is part of the EU and the politicians have made it nigh on impossible to escape. UKIP is ineffectual and do not have the means to fight a system that has already accepted defeat,” a Westminster insider revealed Sunday.

EU Redistribution of 10% Wealth in Southern Cyprus Necessary Says Brussels

Gamozo Makarios
-
5
EU Redistribution of 10% Wealth in Southern Cyprus Necessary Says Brussels

“The EU is a tool for redistribution of wealth and negation of sovereignty. When we took away your sovereignty with you Greek Cypriots signing the EU charter years ago, all your rights, and your wealth, are now completely the property of the EU. Read the small print. We will be doing this to the rest of the EU countries soon. You will not be able to take your money out of the banks as we will shut down those as well,” an unnamed, unelected technocrat from Brussels told the Greek Cyprus radio network last night.

Rudolpho Hess, an ECB banking official said from Frankfurt yesterday: “The EU budget this year has been a heavy burden on the economy of the eurozone. We need to increase expense accounts for MEPs, technocrats and bankers in the EU; luxury hotels, foreign holidays with first class flights, gourmet meals every day and of course the steady supply of Fräuleins to keep our bratwursts up. So, you see our Cypriot friends, you chose to sign on the dotted line with your greedy eyes on those EU subsidies and this is what you get for your squandering profligate lazy ways. Enjoy yourselves, believe me, I am surely enjoying myself at your expense. Don’t forget, you can still give Greece 10 points in the Eurovision Song Contest.”

As of Monday, there will be a 10% compulsory EU tax on all southern Cyprus bank accounts.

1...652653654...830Page 653 of 830
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.