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Home Blog Page 652

Starbucks and Amazon to Pay UK Taxes into Offshore Havens

Business

November 15, 2012

Starbucks and Amazon to Pay UK Taxes into Offshore Havens

Speaking from Amazon’s head office in Seattle, Washington state, senior accounting executive, Janet Herodelum, said: “Amazon makes billions of pounds in the U.K. and we have taken away business from actual U.K. companies based in their own country. We have siphoned off millions of pounds through many subsidiaries in tax haven countries, and bypassed British taxation. After the public outrage in the U.K. where a few people got slightly angry about this sneaky practice, we have agreed to pay full U.K. taxation — into one of our offshore accounts.”

The gesture from Amazon means that out of £985 million profit in the U.K. this year it will now pay tax amounting to £50 million to another secret account which they have labelled as U.K. taxation.

“I think what Amazon and the rest are doing is admirable. The U.K. hopes to see some of the money soon.” Giles Ernest-Postlewittle, a Conservative MP for Huntington told parliament yesterday.

The U.S. companies have promised to pay U.K. tax by the year 2090, and say they will keep the money safe in secret accounts until that date, or any date they wish to stipulate, or change at anytime they wish without notice.

Humanity Getting ‘Dumberer’ Says Scientist

Sci/Tech

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 14, 2012

Humanity Getting ‘Dumberer’ Says Scientist

“I just pulled myself away from watching X Factor and American Idol for five minutes to make a statement about humanity and intelligence on my Facebook page,” the scientist who formulated the new theory about humanity’s decline in intelligence, revealed.

Professor Humphrey Crabniggle, a geneticist at Stanford University in California, claims that humanity has been on a downward spiral for some time.

“It’s like, you know the instructions you see on a carton of milk on how to open it, or the Britney Spears album I just listened to in the car or the dumbed down TV and news I watch. Stupid people can breed these days and they are encouraged to do so by modern governments and the media. It’s great.”

In two and a half articles published in the journal Trends in Stupidity, the scientist lays out what might be called a defining theory in human stupidity.

The central issue of Professor Crabniggle’s thinking is a simple idea: “In the past, if you were stupid, you would die. Because you would get eaten or killed by something. Only clever people could breed and survive or not get eaten by sabre-toothed tigers or mobbed by some other tribe. These days though, stupid people are everywhere and can even breed and survive with impunity. In fact, the governments of today encourage stupidity and want people to be even more fucking stupid than they already are.”

As Crabniggle explains in the journal: “A hunter-gatherer who was not clever enough to figure out anything about food or shelter would die off, whereas a modern person is given rewards for being a stupid fucking moron, they get rewarded with food stamps and benefits or whatever they want from the governments of today. Not only that, their children are also encouraged to be stupid too. I mean, which modern government would want to have a clever population? That’s really dangerous, besides most people in government are even stupider than the regular population.”

Professor Crabniggle however ends on a positive note: “Stupid people are actually good for humanity because if people were clever, they might realise that things aren’t so good and they might try and make things better, or even try to topple governments. So keep surfing your Facebook and watching reality shows and living your stupid lives. Drink up your fucking Kool-Aid, everything is OK, it’s great to be stupid.”

Petraeus to Feature in Next Bond Movie ‘The Spies Who Loved My Every Move’

Entertainment

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 12, 2012

Petraeus to Feature in Next Bond Movie ‘The Spies Who Loved My Every Move’

The new film is set in Benghazi, Libya, and features a top ranking US General who is caught in a love triangle whilst being monitored by agencies meant to be on his side.

“The thing is, Petreaus is balls deep in some serious Bond girly. No, we’re not talking Pussy Galore, but a hot biographer called Miss Broadwide who has a penchant for getting an all in session under the General’s desk whilst she’s telling other Mata Hari’s to back off,” executive producer, Domingo Espada told Empire magazine.

The majority of the film features just email conversations and huge scenes that would make even Roger Moore blush.

The Bond film’s title has also been debated by the screenwriters and producers.

The latest instalment in the Bond franchise will be released next year.

Fiscal Cliff Next to Deficit Mountain Near S*** Creek

Business

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 10, 2012

Fiscal Cliff Next to Deficit Mountain Near S*** Creek

“The only thing people are talking about now is the ‘Fiscal Cliff’. I don’t what that is or where it is but I heard from someone that it’s in Montana,” a confused postman from Kansas told CNN.

Capitol Hill insiders have been revealing to the U.S. population what the Fiscal Cliff is and how Obama is going to go straight over it soon.

“The Fiscal Cliff is a place right next to Deficit Mountain and it’s a place right in the middle of Shit Creek. Oh, and one more thing, in this creek is a lil boat with a guy called Obama in it. The boat don’t have a paddle, and it’s going over that cliff soon. I hope this explains the situation some,” the Capitol Hill insider revealed.

North Korea Gangnam Infection Has Worked Says Leader

Entertainment

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 10, 2012

North Korea Gangnam Infection Has Worked Says Leader

“Gangnam style is North Korean psychological warfare on the South and it’s working. Anyone who does that shit just looks ridiculous and we have made the South Koreans look like complete imbeciles,” a senior North Korean psy-ops operative revealed to the Korean Central Broadcasting System yesterday.

Millions of people in South Korea, as well as the rest of the world, are now doing the Gangnam Style, and this has caused concern in uninfected nations.

Kim Jong Un, the new North Korean leader has applauded his operatives on an amazing brainwashing operation that has extended further than he ever dreamed about.

The Gangnam is often used in North Korean gulags to brainwash and re-educate citizens who have strayed from the path of Communist North Korea.

“Once you do the Gangnam Style, we can ask you to eat a dog poo off the sidewalk and you will. It is a form of brainwashing and mind control that is impossible to break away from,” another North Korean official revealed.

Man Trapped in Two Year You Tube Video Hell

Entertainment

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 10, 2012

Man Trapped in Two Year You Tube Video Hell

“He goes from one video to the next, and he can’t stop. Things are so desperate now that we do not know what to do,” the man’s long suffering mother told local radio stations.

One of the fundamental things about the video web site You Tube is the ability to click on a related video after you have finished watching the one you were watching.

In a single 24 hour period, Robert Darrents, can watch over 14,500 clips of varying length and is so addicted to the site that he even has the website on permanent loop during his fifteen minutes of daily sleep.

“Yes, he still surfs You Tube during his sleep, somehow he shuts one eye and keeps the other one open with a matchstick while the You Tube playlist automatically goes from one clip to the next,” his mother, Maureen Darrents, revealed.

Council officials and health workers are aiming to help Mr Darrents by pulling the plug on the internet some time next week. Health officials will be on hand to assist if anything goes terribly wrong.

“We expect him to be thrashing and writhing on the floor uncontrollably. Medics will be present and we may have to strap Mr Darrents down as well as sedate him. He will then be taken to a rehabilitation centre for a slow long recovery. It may take over four years to get him to a level of normalcy,” Eric Jobsworth, a council health official told the Grimbsy Argos newspaper.

Depression Covered By Obamacare

World

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 9, 2012

“It’s a good thing I got that Obamacare because I am so depressed right now I could jump off a bridge,” a depressed Republican said before jumping off a bridge yesterday.

Some Republicans say that the Obamacare is not enough to cure their depression and are opting simply to leave America.

A prominent Tea Party member John Winters, said: “I been so depressed I turned to coffee.”

One thing is for sure, Obamacare mental health specialists are on hand to help any Republicans immediately with their depression.

If You Don’t Get the Hispanic Vote You Lose

World

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 7, 2012

If You Don’t Get the Hispanic Vote You Lose

Fifty thousand Hispanic people turn 18 every month in America leaving dreams of another Republican government coming any time soon floundering in the dust like some lonely border town.

“Romney tried to put on his fake tan and wear a sombrero but it ain’t going to fly. The Hispanics are an integral part of the American population explosion. They are hard working people with a huge impetus to breed, and breed, and breed. While the predominately white Republican demographic is not breeding, and losing their foothold in North America, the Hispanics are increasing their population daily. The population explosion combines elements of the Catholic religion, family values and desire to spread their population far and wide,” a population expert at the University of Deleware, Professor Ron Jablinski, told CNN.

In a country where it is not even necessery by law to show ID at a polling station, one only has to realise the possibilities of artificially skewing the numbers for your candidate; this coupled with the massive mobilisation of the Hispanics is a surefire winning technique.

The Republicans will have to wait for another four years to unleash their secret weapon, and only then will they possible get in again.

Michelle Obama to Take First Multi-Million Dollar Vacation in Year

World

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 7, 2012

Michelle Obama to Take First Multi-Million Dollar Vacation in Year

“She’s been holding off because of the election campaign and Barack’s people were telling her to cool it down for awhile. Now it’s going to be party time, we’re talking world trips costing thirty to forty million a piece,” an Obama aide revealed to news agencies on Capitol Hill.

The spoils of war are now to be divided amongst the Obamas as they enjoy one last unfettered chance to bankrupt America.

“When Al Qaeda and Iran want an Obama win, you know there’s going to be trouble ahead. Markets dropped like a rock after he won. We’re going to see the deficit treble under his second term and America is in grave danger of losing its AA rating now. Fitch and Moody’s are watching this like a hawk,” another Capitol Hill insider revealed today.

“She gonna clean this mutha out. We’re talkin’ nuttin left fo’ whitey,” an African American man shouted after the election win last night.

World Fearing U.S. Election Results

World

Ronald D. Eisenhower

November 6, 2012

“When George W. Bush was elected, I knew that very bad things were going to happen in the world and I was right. He was a disaster,” Ellen Crissad, a business woman from Primrose Hill, London, revealed.

People around the world may not initially believe that the American elections are going to affect their lives but they’re very wrong.

“If America sneezes, the world catches a cold. The global economy is powered by the United States, and this is why it is crucial that whoever is in charge knows what they are doing,” a financial analyst working in the City told the BBC yesterday.

Never mind the economic implications of a new U.S. president, there are also the consequences of the American war machine. If a certain candidate is voted in, he could easily start invading everything he sees. Americans love war, it kick starts their economy, it fires their American jingoistic fervour.

“America loves a war president, we get our flags out and sit back, break out the popcorn and buds, as we watch brown people being blown to smithereens by jets flying at 40,000 feet over some tiny backwards resource rich shit hole dump. This, for Americans, is the ultimate aphrodisiac; remember that an American male without a gun, is a castrated, emasculated man. We need our guns just to be men, and every once in awhile we have to go and shoot those weapons, it’s a release, almost like ejaculation, except this time with depleted uranium bullets on unarmed civilians. God Bless America, I’m going to go to the shooting range later and blast off a few rounds. Yeehah!” Edgar Rice, an American freelance journalist revealed on Capitol Hill.