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Are Dung Beetles the Latest Celebrity Must-have Pet?

Celebrity Mathew Mcconaughey has a dung beetle forest in his bedroom where he likes to wile away the hours watching them rolling the balls of excrement around a specially designed environment.

Now Tom Cruise has found interest in dung beetles and even Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers band is fascinated by them.

“They’re great, they get that poo and roll it around the sand box all day long. It’s very cathartic to watch, when I get back from a hard days filming some action movie or whatever, I like to kick back, take off my shoes and watch those beetles go. It brings me joy and happiness,” Mathew Mcconaughey told GQ magazine.

Dung beetles are not for the regular pet owner though so please do your research before getting one. They take a lot of looking after and fresh supplies of dung everyday.

“If you don’t give it a fresh piece of dung then it kind of sits in the corner and looks at it. Like, they have to have fresh poo and certainly in my household I got a lot of that,” Tom Cruise said about his dung beetle, who he affectionately calls Katie.

Looks like pot bellied pigs are out this season and dung beetles are the new must-have celebrity pet.

George Clooney gave up his chihuahua for a bungle of dung beetles and says he’s even looking into getting some more so he can have a whole colony.

Think Tank: North Korean Crisis Utilised for Next Economic Crash

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“They [the U.S. Federal Reserve] have been artificially raising the Ponzi scheme economy and stock market for awhile now but as everyone knows, bubbles burst in the end, and N. Korea will be a perfect catalyst. Why do you think the U.S. got the U.N. to put extra sanctions on them, they’re baiting them so that they eventually crack?” Professor Karl Hoover, one of the expert policy researchers at the ‘Fiscal Union Centralized Kinetic Economic Department’ think tank revealed, Wednesday.

The research has come to the conclusion that Iran has played the game very well because they were also being baited by the USA but N.Korea shows all the symptoms of being a better candidate to provoke into attacking the West.

America needs another catalyst, this time for introduction of mass human Obamacare microchipping, digital only currency and the drastic redistribution of wealth.

“After the Dow Jones falls by 93% fast, there will be complete societal breakdown, Martial Law, and people who bought gold will not be able to sell it or do anything with it as they will have it either confiscated by the state, or worse still robbed and killed for it. If you have food stores, that will be the most valuable commodity available so you better be hidden with your food because if you are discovered by the roaming starving hordes they will rip you to pieces with their bare hands to get that food,” the professor added.

N. Korea’s insane reactions to America’s provocations are also mirrored with the ridiculous overreaction by the Americans sending half their fleet off to the Korean peninsula.

“We needed a bogeyman and we don’t care, N.Korea or Iran, we will use them to bring in more draconian controls on the population. This is war, beautiful Industrial Complex war, which was planned many years ago and means the death of America and introduction of the new one world global government,” a source from the Pentagon revealed.

New HBO Series ‘Obamacare Hospital’

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“I used to have two kidneys,” Kincaid Lamarr, 34, a man who went for a routine in-grown toenail operation and came out with one less kidney via Obamacare.

Viewing figures have skyrocketed since the first series started in February and the new series is going to start April 15.

The ‘Obamacare Hospital’ series is sometimes harrowing with scenes that show the reality of socialised healthcare and how it can affect peoples’ lives.

Series one episode four shows the Obamacare Pathway where elderlies are killed off without the permission of their relatives by withholding food, medicine and water mirroring NHS techniques from Britain. Along with numerous sex changes and overcrowded hospitals, doctors are few and far between in Obamacare Hospital.

“You rarely get doctors in the show because they all left when it was introduced. As for medicine, forget about that, it’s too expensive to implement in any Hospital,” a nurse on one of the overcrowded wards says in the first episode.

Series two of the show will air on April 15 on HBO

Internal Organ Removal Diet Could Be Next Big Thing

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“Essentially we remove unnecessary organs from your body so that you will be thinner and lighter however much you eat. For example, take out a lung, maybe a kidney, half your liver and the majority of your intestines and you are guaranteed to lose weight and be lighter. In some patients we have seen drastic weight loss although they did not live long enough for us to conduct more tests on the efficacy of the weight loss system,” the doctor told the American Medical Journal.

The new diet was leaped on by overweight stars like Roseanne Barr, Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’donnell who have sung its praises.

“I was taken to a medical facility in Beverly Hills where they removed my gallbladder, one kidney, one lung, and had my pancreas taken out. I went in in the morning and was out by 2pm it was incredible, they even showed me what they took out in a bucket on the floor of the operating table. Dang, I couldn’t believe all that stuff was in me no wonder I was so heavy, I’m sure glad it’s all out,” the now svelte talk show host Rosie O’donnell told CBS’s Morning Show.

The fashion industry has been using the doctor’s organ removal services secretly for years with models fed up of snorting cocaine all day long.

Even former glamour model Katie Price has asked Dr Lisswowski’s assistance to remove her brain but after extensive cranial scanning he could not locate it. She has since opted for her humungous basketball silicon breast implants to be reduced slightly.

Michelle Obama is also pushing her husband to include the Organ Removal Diet to be covered by Obamacare.

Tanya Turlington, a woman’s diet activist has spoken out against the organ removal diet and suggested a reliable diet resource that could instead help with losing excess weight without surgery.

“People need all of their internal organs, so please folks don’t get them taken out just so you can look like a size zero,” she told Woman’s Weekly magazine.

Next week an expose on the Beverly Hills Skeleton Removal Diet

Mick Philpott to be Face of Labour at Next General Election

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“Here is a man who personifies what Labour is about. Before he went to prison for murdering his six children, he would get £60,000 in benefits per annum to spend on booze, fags, gambling and playstations. The Philpott household had two mega size flat screen TVs, hundreds of the latest gadgets and this man lived like a king whilst being serviced by his two welfare women. His 17 benefit bred children were given barely any food and were given single items of clothing for the whole year. Their sole purpose was to be bred for benefits,” local Labour election campaigner, Jenny Arson, told the BBC.

Labour leader, Ed Miliband was joyous about the announcement: “I am very happy to see that Mick Philpott has been made the new face of Labour at the next election. We want to give the message that if you vote for us you can live a lifestyle of no work, plentiful booze, sex, drugs and fags and all the mod cons you ever wanted all paid for by people who work for you. All you have to do, as our core voting group, is vote Labour again and we will increase your benefit payments when we come back into power. The system has been made to create Labour voters and we must not spoil that.”

Taylor Swift Now Dating Kim Jong Un

Ms Swift flew out to the capital city of North Korea two days ago and was met at the airport by Kim Jong Un who took her to his palace in Pyonyang.

There are rumours on the internet that this could be a ploy to soften up the nuke crazed dictator and Swift could actually be a CIA agent.

“The Central Intelligence Agency knows what a great fan Kim is and I’m sure they’re monitoring his internet use. Taylor Swift is very well known in male circles around the world and she has been around the block like thirty or forty times, so sleeping with Kim Jong Un will be easy for her. Either she stops him nuking the world, or she’s going to write a great friggin’ song about her experience of how Kim is such a jerk,” Moshe Cohen, her manager told MTV.

On Sunday the hot temptress Swift and Kim were seen inspecting a dog meat processing factory on the outskirts of the capital city and accordiing to North Korean state television the dictator plans to show her around some missile silos later on this week.

“The world’s fate is in the hands of Taylor Swift, so she better be good with those slender fingers of hers,” a spokesman from the CIA told Reuters today.

EU Imposes Kebab Tax in Cyprus

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An unnamed unelected EU official announced the terrible news on Saturday.

“All kebabs on the island will incur a heavy EU kebab tax and if there is extra chilli sauce the tax will increase by increments of 10% per year,” the official explained to baffled Cypriots on Sunday.

Nicos Malboudros, a local kebab shop owner from Larnaca was furious at the new levy as his business has already suffered after the recent bank raid by the EU.

“I am disgusted at this new shish kebab tax. They took 60% of my profits in my bank account and now I stand to lose my business as no one will buy my kebabs because the price is so high.”

The EU has stipulated that restaurants can avoid the kebab tax if they sell Brätwurst instead of the traditional kebabs so prevalent on the Mediterranean island.

Liam Gallagher Stopped From Exiting London Zoo

Zoo keeper Ed Burrows, said that he was in the ape enclosure when he saw what looked like a primate trying to escape the zoo.

“We got the tranquiliser gun out and shot it but it just wouldn’t go down. We even tried to entice it with some bananas but that didn’t work. Eventually after the fourth dart, it went down but on close inspection we realised our mistake.”

The zoo has apologised unreservedly to Liam Gallagher who was given a voucher for a year’s visiting for free.

Liam Gallagher was not available for comment today but sources say he has one hell of a hangover after getting hit by those tranquiliser darts.

Squib Staff Take April Fools’ Day Off

Whilst other traditional newspapers are writing the odd chucklsome April 1st article and even Google has had a go at it, the Squib is taking the day off thank you very much.

“This is one day in the year that we get a day off so I’m off to the pub to get completely blootered,” one of our writers said today.

So dear readers, numbering about 15, expect no Squib stories from us today. We know you will be very sad about that.

Kim Jong Un Successfully Graduates From Dictator School

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“He has passed with flying colours and completed the tasks necessary to be a North Korean mad dictator,” a teacher at the school said with a gun firmly pointed at their head.

North Korean state television ran the news early this morning and many took to the streets beating their fists against their chests to show their joy and proud feelings for Kim Jong Un.

“Declare war, check! Threaten to send missiles to USA, check! Make funny propaganda photoshops and videos, check!” Kim Jong Un’s teacher said as he was giving out the final grade for the course.

Kim Jong Un got an A+ Distinction grade for his exemplary dictatorship skills.