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Jesus to Land in North Korea on Wednesday

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“It is written in the Bible that Jesus will come back soon and I have pinpointed where he is going to land. At this moment in time he is flying around the earth at high speed and the Messiah will make re-entry into our atmosphere at approximately 3am local time in Pyonyang, North Korea on Wednesday,” the pastor revealed to his church.

The pastor then went on to add: “This time Jesus ain’t gonna be playing nice though. He’s gonna put the world right again. When he touches down all those nuculear (sic) missiles will melt. He’s gonna land on a North Korean nuke facility and stop those commie godless bastards from nuking the world.”

Pastor Julius Oswald is citing a Bible verse talking about Jesus’s return to earth.

Matthew 24:30  “At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn.  they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory.

“I speak to God every day, just like Dubya does, and yesterday I was on the commode and straining for some relief. God talked to me in a clear voice and told me the time and place Jesus will come back,” the pastor said.

Already, thousands of churches across America have been relaying the information and telling their flocks of the coming massive event.

The Rapture is coming.

Kardashians First Reality Stars to Go to Mars

Donnie Rosenblatz, the agent who manages all of the Kardashians revealed the wonderful news on MTV.

“We’re going to film the journey and when they land on Mars, viewers will get to see what goes on there too, although NASA has told me we could lose communications with them permanently. Let’s hope that does not happen,” the agent revealed on Friday.

NASA has been preparing the family trip for two weeks already and lift off was yesterday at 2pm from Cape Canaveral.

“Let’s just say that for the sake of humanity, this is the best option. Hopefully they’ll run out of air half way or crash into an asteroid. It will make great viewing. Hey, they wanted to be reality show stars so we’re giving them a once in a lifetime opportunity here for sure,” Gregg Neushoff, a NASA controller told CNN.

The rocket ship the family are flying in will hold all life saving essentials like a nail care facility, wardrobes for all the clothes and shoes, botox injections as well as cameras watching their every move 24 hours a day.

“I hope the Van Allen belt doesn’t fry my new handbags,” Kim Kardashian was overheard saying at the press conference before lift off.

New MTV series Kapricorn Two will air on Tuesday 16 April.

President Obama Says U.S. Deficit Not His Problem

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“Frankly I’m not interested in the U.S. deficit and it’s nothing to do with me. I just like hanging out with rappers like Jay Z and chilling,” the president said from another golf course session.

Reporters at any press conference from now on will be told in no uncertain terms to refrain from even mentioning the $20 Trillion U.S. deficit.

White House aides reiterated the deficit talk ban on Friday.

“We got orders to not talk about it. We all know Obamo’s increased the deficit by $6 Trillion since he came into office, but we ain’t allowed to talk about the elephant in the room. If we do, we get fired. It’s that simple. We just talk about the next multi-million dollar vacation he and his wife are planning on going on,” Sarah Gerhardt, a White House spokeswoman revealed to the Washington Times.

Obama Moves On Water Pistols

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“We can’t have anymore water squirting because it’s dangerous. We’re coming up to summer now and I say we ban all water pistols in the United States,” President Obama said wiping a non existent tear from his eye.

The new Water Gun Law will be enacted tomorrow and it will be illegal to purchase, own or fire a water pistol anywhere in America.

The NWPA (National Water Pistol Association) were up in arms at the announcement and vowed to fight it with everything they’ve got.

Mr Carlton Hasston from the NWPA said: “From my wet dead hands, they ain’t gonna grab my water pistol. I’m gonna squirt and squirt that thang and no one gonna do a thang about it. Who’s up for a water gun fight. Yippee!”

Ann Coulter’s Adam’s Apple to Get Own Fox News Show

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“Her Adam’s Apple will do the talking, it will be 45 minutes of it moving up and down on her neck and when the show is finished viewers will probably be relieved,” series producer, Al Yankowitz, told Bill O’Reilly on his syndicated show Tuesday.

Miss Coulter’s Adam’s Apple is famous in Neocon circles and is a great topic of conversation in the political cocktail party circuit on Capitol Hill.

“I just can’t stop looking at that thing. When she talks and talks and talks, I just sit there mesmerised by that big ol’ thing moving up and down on her elongated freak neck. I can understand why it got its own show,” Earl Brokoff, a CNN anchor revealed.

Some political pundits have however debated that it is not an Adam’s Apple but actually a testicle she may have bitten off a Liberal detractor, but that was denied as well, because most Liberals don’t have testicles.

The Ann Coulter Adam Apple show will start next week and is sure to be a ratings hit on the Fox Channel.

Kim Jong Un to Attend Thatcher Funeral

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“I will be arriving on a North Korean nuclear missile which will be fired from a silo deep in my Communist country,” the dictator told Korean state television on Wednesday.

The grand entrance by the North Korean despot will be hailed as an audacious show of power by the North Korean regime.

Some Londoners however were not too happy about Kim Jong Un turning up to the ceremony on a nuclear missile.

“Didn’t like Maggie much but even I think this is too much. Can’t he just come along in a car like everyone else?” Arthur Dingle, 56, a civil servant from North London told the Evening Standard.

Putin Says “Phwoar!”

“The whole thing was boring until I saw something that definitely perked me up. No I’m not talking about a trade deal with Germany, but a lovely pair of bouncing breasts,” Mr Putin revealed during the show.

One of Putin’s aides said: “We need more of these topless female protesters showing us their hot assets.”

Here’s to more Femen protesting gals cheering everyone up, we need more politics like this.

Iron Lady Maggie Thatcher Meets Her Final Mining Strike

Maggie Thatcher has finally died and will be buried in the ground after a state ceremony.

“There won’t be any miners at her funeral. When she is lowered into the deep hole in the ground it will resemble an elevator being lowered into a mine shaft,” an unemployed miner said.

The Iron Lady was the bane of many socialists and was infamous for her stance in the Miners’ Strike of 1984, as well as the Falklands War and Poll Tax, which eventually led to her downfall.

“This is a sad day for any Conservative but a supremely happy day for any Labour supporter or socialist,” Brett Landown, a cheerful political commentator for the BBC said.

There were also cheers at the Guardian and Mirror newspapers as the news filtered through but things were muted at the Telegraph. Amongst the Tories, Michael ‘Hezza’ Hesaltine will certainly not be shedding any tears at the demise of his old foe.

The creators of Spitting Image, Peter Fluck and Roger Law, were sad about the loss: “She was the star of the show and we thoroughly enjoyed creating her in Spitting Image. No doubt she is now down in the depths of hell entertaining Ronnie with stories of the good old days.”

The UK population is braced for a torrent of retrospectives, analysis and tribute programs on constant loop for the next few weeks on all media.

Portugal Will Raid Banks Like Cyprus

Prime Minister Pedro Passos Coelho is on the back foot as he tries to stave off another bank run and this time the Troika could confiscate all deposits.

“This is the simple redistribution of wealth from previously sovereign nations to the central bank and will also occur in Spain, Slovenia and many other Southern EU sectors who were tricked into getting into the Eurozone currency,” policy researcher, Melvin Tertorro, told the Euronews channel.

Collectivist EU techniques of wealth redistribution have already been used in the bankrupt Southern Cyprus sector.

“Cyprus was a dress rehearsal for the rest of the Southern profligate sectors who are to be made an example of. The British expats and other foreigners are simply seen as collateral damage, we will take their money as well without any qualms. As for the property they own, it is unsellable and even if they do manage to sell it, they will not be able to take the money out of that EU sector,” an unnamed unelected ECB official told EU state networks.

Obama: “What Are Your Guns Without Ammunition?”

“Americans are finally realising that they are increasingly living under a dictatorship, because Obama knows no other way to rule. All his life he was mentored and tutored in Marxist ideology, in control techniques that the Soviets used, in repetition of the message that needs to be ingested by the masses. If Americans buy more guns, what are they going to shoot with, peas? The ammo has been suppressed and Americans will now find it increasingly hard to arm themselves. That’s not a problem for the DHS though. They have plenty of rounds of ammo. I wonder why that is? Is it getting through to you yet?” Bill Steads, 45, a pro-gun activist from Colorado who cannot get any ammunition for his guns told America Today magazine.

The Attorney General, Eric Holder, said himself that the administration needs to keep repeating the anti-gun mantra and brainwash people into giving away their freedom to bear arms.

Soviet techniques of repetition are utilised by the Obama administration, because if you repeat something enough times it becomes a truth in the eyes of the public. The Pavlovian techniques do seem to work on the pliant American public because they appear to be complying to Obama’s every whim.

“Even though Obama has effectively curtailed many pro-gun lobbies, and voices, some people are still buying guns in America. This anomaly has resulted in the supply of ammunition being reduced to a trickle so as to stop those people who see fit to still buy guns. People are being weaned from their guns and effectively disarmed by the lack of bullets to shoot their guns with. The Obama admin. has also brought in very strict laws deterring people from trying to buy guns with increased checks and red tape. If Obama makes owning a gun like sitting in quick sand, who the hell is going to own one?” a Capitol Hill insider revealed.

The scientific method of controlling the public in the USA seems to be working as the Obama administration brings in any laws curtailing gun ownership they want without question.

Americans are finally losing the will to fight for their guns. They are pliant and under control. It seems to be a dream-like state of collective consciousness where they have been effectively disarmed through clever Pavlovian techniques and subtle use of underhand integration of new laws. Unless some faction wakes up now and stops the brainwashing, the American public will be relinquished of their weapons in less than one generation without even a single shot being fired.

It is better to die free, then live as a slave.