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Music Biz Tears as SLJ, THP, FVF and WSX Split

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“We feed the public with enough shit and they eventually see it as normal,” the music executive for Warner Bros. music told Entertainment Weekly.

The sadness felt has however been dampened because music executives have created twenty more faceless banal boy band and girl band acts to complement the vacuum left in the music biz.

“It’s not just a question of cross-collateralization, we have to sometimes adjust the template to increase sales even further. SLJ split so we created DXG,” another executive explained.

Apple Develops iChopping Board

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Speaking at the product’s unveiling today, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said: “The iChopping Board is going to revolutionise the way people chop their food in the kitchen. We can safely say that this product is the best thing since sliced onion.”

The innovative device even detects what you’re chopping on it and gives you tips on what to cook.

Retailing at $3,500 a pop this new Apple gadget is sure to chop up your wallet too.

“When Apple announced the iChopping Board, I practically wet myself,” a not very good cook, but Apple fan said.

Queues will certainly be streaming around Apple stores worldwide when the new gadget is released in June.

Apple’s share price rose by 0.02% on the announcement.

MIT Supercomputer Developed to Write Daily Squib Stories

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MIT Professor Miles Ermhearst developed the supercomputer using state-of-the-art materials which took over fifteen years to develop.

“This is definitely not a Commodore 64, we’re talking major calculations that try to emulate the genius of the Squib. The AI is astounding, and we did our research by travelling to the Squib’s office in London to find out if we could replicate the AI. We did not find much intelligence there, but the pub run was great. Never been so drunk in my life.”

The amount of data crunched by the supercomputer is enormous, and unlike Daily Squib writers who usually write ideas on pieces of toilet paper or napkins, this computer does everything digitally without any unsightly stains.

“People don’t appreciate the time and effort it takes to produce a crappy satirical article on the internet. I mean you’ve got to play a game of pool, maybe some Playstation, have a drink then procrastinate for awhile longer. By that time, it’s time to go home and get bladdered with a takeaway curry and some tinnies. It’s a very delicate job. This computer replicates all of these elements and more,” Mr Ermhearst added.

The entire Daily Squib staff were sacked by text today and are now down the local doing what they do best.

Newly Released Top Secret Files Reveal Adolf Hitler Was a Ginger

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“He would have to dye his hair black every day in case anyone realised he was actually a ginger haired dictator. I don’t think it would have given him much of an air of authority, and he certainly would have been teased for it, so he got special hair dye which was mixed by unfortunate Jews in concentration camps,” senior archivist, Dr. Gunther Hasseltroffe, told German news agencies.

The secret is finallly out after all these years and Hitler must be turning in his grave, although no one knows where that actually is.

“Only Eva Braun would have known about it. She would have to administer the dye in secrecy every night, but during the last days when the Fuhrer was in his bunker, they nearly ran out and had to use black shoe polish,” Dr. Hasseltroffe, further revealed.

Moshe Rosenberg, 89, was one of the black dye mixers at the Auschwitz concentration camp in 1942.

“The Kommandant would come in and they said we had to make a special dye for a very special man. When the guard was not looking naturally we would urinate and shit in the pot. Maybe some spit. They said they wanted Jews to do it, so we sure as hell gave him a good hair dye. I only learned recently that it was for the Fuhrer and to tell you the truth, I had the biggest smile on my face, Gilda my wife wondered what was up with me. Unfortunately, many Jews died making the dye because if you didn’t mix it fast enough, the Nazi guards would shoot you in the head.”

The course of history could have been changed completely if Hitler had not dyed his hair. No one in their right mind would have taken him seriously and he would have been laughed off the stage in Nuremberg.

Think Tank: Boston Bombings Not Quite Pearl Harbour/911 Event

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“The use of easily controlled youth who have multiple personalities via trauma based mind control techniques and skilled dissociation is very well documented. These patsies are easily controlled by their controllers and their alters can be triggered quite easily. Furthermore, impressionable teenagers and children can easily be manipulated with the ruse of religion, especially radical Islam to achieve atrocities that will incite terror in the populations and thus green light certain laws that have come up against obstacles within the country. The mind naturally creates amnesiac filters when there is trauma/abuse, therefore the controllers of these two impressionable boys most certainly created split personalities, on many levels, with some parts of the mind not registering the other parts. This is why they could lead seemingly normal lives amongst others, but once their controllers triggered the alter and deadly part of their mind, they obeyed their masters perfectly,” professor Lewis Edelweiss, revealed in a recent journal on the subject.

Conspiracy theorists have been having a field day with the Boston bombers because there is so much information being released by certain agencies, and at times it is not clear who is releasing the well-timed snippets. Many of the ‘conspiracy theorists’ active on the internet are probably fronts for certain agencies, who bring forth predictive thoughts onto the public. They utilise fear to sell survivalist products and are fully protected by the government.

Trauma based mind control is used in every government agency, and military institution. Consider the fact that to become a soldier, the army first completely breaks your personality down, then they rebuild it for their own needs. No soldier can ever break away from their training because of the effective mind control technique that embedded it into their minds. A soldier has to obey their orders and because of their training they do so without question. The CIA utilise similar techniques with their operatives, and even regular policemen are indoctrinated to some level.

Jamestown Zbigniew Brzezinski

“The two boys who were brought down, and purportedly carried out the atrocities in Boston, were completely under the control of an agency probably within the United States because they would have to be guided and have their alters triggered by their controllers,” the professor added.

By using people who are sympathetic to Islam is a method of throwing the public off the trail and also engendering patriotic American feeling. Even if someone is being mentored under the ruse of religion, they do not know the people higher up the echelons of power who are really pulling the strings. Consider how America is supporting the Syrian rebels against Assad, who are mainly Al Qaeda affiliates. The next few days/weeks/months will reveal the true masters of this operation because there will most probably be more laws inhibiting freedom brought into the United States. If they had used white right wing Christian European stock Americans then it would have been too obvious. They must always use an external source to implement internal changes and also additionally add a patriotic slant to proceedings. The target for gun control is the white working class Christian right wing gun owner.

“Obama was all for ‘change’ and he will achieve it through any means possible. One must also take into account that everything is now geared towards disarming the American population. All media, politicians, agencies and the population will be utilised to bring change to the Second Amendment. Public outcries, pictures of blood on pavements, gratuitous shots of limbs strewn everywhere are things that people cannot ignore. These shots were released to the public in all the gory detail for a reason. They smack you in the face, and tell you that you and your children are not safe. Who’s going to step in? The state, will tell you that the guns and gunpowder utilised in bullets are not something that should be freely available to the public,” Ron Eraldite, another key researcher in the think tank revealed.

As more details are released selectively and in a timely manner, there will possibly be details about how these pressure cooker bombs were made. If they were made with reloading powder as some anonymous poster claiming to work for a government agency revealed. They will possibly find NRA booklets and other items relating to easily acquired guns in America. This will further demonise American civilian gun owners and the lobbies that protect gun ownership. The role of the Democrats is to weaken the powerful gun lobbies so that there is a massive public outcry against them. Then the job of dismantling them through division will be easier.

“Once the gun owners are made to feel dirty by the majority herd mentality, then it is game over for the second amendment. There’s nothing they can do to stop the law taking their guns. Sandy Hook, Aurora, Boston, are all indicators that the push for a total ban on civilians holding firearms is very close. All the perpetrators were under psychiatric control and they, much like soldiers in a war were ordered to carry out their tasks without question. Their minds were split into many different compartments, not aware of the other existing, they were implanted with orders and then once they carried out their sordid deeds, they were either taken into secure locations or killed. They are the property of the state, because their actions immediately create a reaction bringing in multiple laws,” the professor revealed.

No external war now, just internal for America. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq had nothing to do with 911 yet millions of Americans believe it did.

The reaction to Boston will bring more clues, so keep watching this space.

New Marathon Running Suit Unveiled

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“You do 26 miles wearing this on a sunny day and you get a medal for sure,” Arturro Damascus, a runner who is to compete at the upcoming London Marathon said.

The 50kg suit is made from cast iron and steel and will ensure the runners cross the finishing line in one piece.

“I used to run marathons with a simple pair of shorts and a shirt but those days are over. Since I’ve been wearing my new marathon running suit I haven’t lost any limbs. Sometimes we can get three or four explosions in one race, but this thing just shrugs those flying red hot shrapnel pieces off like gnats on a goddamn windshield,” another avid marathon fan told the BBC.

It’s not just armour plated suits that are now in vogue for runners but some are even running marathons in armoured vehicles, although this could be deemed as cheating by marathon officials, at least the participants get to the finish line.

“Hell yeah. I ran the Tokyo marathon last week in an armoured vehicle with 15 inch thick steel walls. Took a direct hit and didn’t even realise it,” Jensen Malineros, 23, told CNN before being disqualified from the race.

Everybody’s Test Firing Missiles These Days

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“Test firing missiles is the latest fad amongst nut job regimes. I guess it’s a way of showing that they can fire off a piece of junk a few metres into the sky. Really, there’s nothing to see here folks,” Dean Albright, a Pentagon official revealed today.

Last week the North Koreans test fired their missiles and this week it’s the Iranians, and the week after that it could be Papua New Guinea.

“Why don’t they just fire those damn things off anyway? I’m sick of test firing, let’s have some real action,” an avid news watcher told the evening news last night.

Facebook Friends Unfriended Friend Who Wasn’t Very Friendly That Minute

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“I was not friendly for approximately 58 seconds and was de-friended by my entire friend list of 600 friends,” the ex-Facebook user told the Delaware Echo.

The terrible incident happened on Tuesday and the man went from multiple Facebook friends to zero in less than sixty seconds. He tried to apologise but was immediately blocked by everyone and no one on the site wants to be his friend anymore.

Psychologist Dean Finklestein explains the fickle nature of Facebook friendship.

“You can have 20,000 Facebook friends but not know anyone. I have seen people commit suicide on the site and even though they may have hundreds of friends, no one even bats an eyelid. Say the wrong thing and there is an immediate block of your account. This is the reality of Facebook, where it trivialises human relationships, and is simply a vehicle for vanity and showing off one’s lifestyle. Of course, human behaviour is very complex, and there are many facets of interaction in real life, however Facebook trivialises human contact so that it is reduced to the level of pretty much nothing,” the psychologist said.

The Facebook man is now receiving counselling and is trying to rebuild his life by getting real friends in the real world.

“Every day away from Facebook is a step forward. I now engage with humans in the real world and have found two good friends who I can trust. They actually like me, you know like for real, and it is not fake at all,” the man revealed.

Social surveillance’ friendship’ sites have seen a massive increase in users over the last few years and continue to grow despite the lack of actual friendship on these internet portals.

Terror Index Just Went into Meltdown Mode

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America’s foreign/internal policy is nothing to be desired, however, why is it always innocent bystanders who have to endure the trauma of it?

The question many are asking now is, who committed the atrocity of bombing innocent people today in Boston?

Patriot’s Day

Who would benefit from such an act?

Who gets the blame, North Koreans, Jihadists, Iran, Syria, Russia, Mossad, Black Ops, Right Winger Extremists or some other fringe group? Cui bono? The culprits may never be sniffed out, but the style of multiple timed bombing will surely be analysed by someone out there by whatever agency is looking at the footage. Someone’s going to get blamed for this, and could be utilised for any agenda needed. Who’s next for invasion and American patriotic flag waving? What about the battles of Lexington and Concord, the first military engagements of the American Revolutionary war in 1775?


Who is the guy on the roof when the bomb went off?

What about the symbolism? The bombs went off directly next to International flags flying. This is symbolic as much as 911 was symbolic with the twin towers. There were also similar ‘training’ exercises before the 7/7 and 911 atacks and now the 415 bombing.

Today was a sad day for the poor people who were caught up in the explosions and the next few days will be very crucial to understanding who the perpetrators of this heinous act were from the actions of the media, state and factions.

The VIX today jumped 43% from 12 to 17 and may go even higher. Terror is a tool used by many factions historically, and has brought fear once again into the streets of America, and the West. This is Baghdad on any given day now, but on American soil it is hard to fathom.

Placid Americans Caught in Headlights on Full Gun Control Forced Confiscation

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The Daily Squib wrote about door-to-door gun confiscations as well as the  destruction of the second and fourth amendment in a satirical predictive article in 2011. But we knew what Obama planned with forced gun confiscation in 2008.

“Satire is the truth. What I read in the Daily Squib happens soon enough. We’re talking years in advance. It seems that mandatory gun confiscations in America are now close to happening and the American people are not doing anything about it. The fluoridated masses are too busy taking their daily soma to even realise what is going on and how their freedoms are being taken away right in front of their faces,” a Capitol Hill insider revealed.

Are Americans just going to stand there as their rights are taken away? Have they been dumbed down so much to be apathetic sheep that they let themselves be readied for the slaughter without so much as a whimper?

As the DHS purchases billions of rounds of ammunition, public gun shop shelves are empty.

The Obama administration is using Soviet techniques of constant repetition, celebrity endorsements of the gun ban agenda, and children to push for a total gun confiscation ban.

Satire is becoming reality in America as the Democrats call for door-to-door gun confiscation as a long-term agenda that will be pushed on the people, as Democratic Austin City Council member and potential next mayor Mike Martinez, revealed.

“First they get you to register the guns. Then they come and order you to hand them to them. If you do not comply, you will be either arrested or taken down with deadly force. The armoured vehicles will enter every neighbourhood and knock on every registered gun owner’s home and my guess is people will comply. Americans are under hypnosis and have lost their will for liberty. They have lost their desire to survive and their desire for free thought. Everywhere the Obama nanny state, collectivist machine is working its Neo-Marxist agenda and Americans have been caught in the headlights. They want to keep their goodies, their cell phones, their social surveillance sites like Facebook. This is why they have been fed these addictive toys, because the public will not give those up, but they will give up their guns and freedom without question just to keep their brain addled way of life. The Founding Fathers knew this day would come…and here it is folks. Just hand over your freedom like a ‘yella coward’ because you are not an American any more. You’re a coward with a yellow piss trail with no back-bone. You hand over your gun and you’re a weak defenceless lily-livered chicken ready to be slaughtered,” a true American revealed yesterday.

What happens after your guns are confiscated? You have been disarmed, you will be chipped and numbered, you will be processed and branded, you will be put in a pen like a dumb animal and you and your family will have everything taken away from them. They know there is nothing they can do to pay back the huge deficit they have racked up and when the system crumbles, they don’t want you to have a gun. Remember that the controllers and state architects plan years in advance of any move. They own the UN and they will use them to push through the gun ban. They have already planned for the next twenty or thirty years and know exactly what they have to do. And unless someone does something soon, Americans will NOT be Americans any more.