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U.S. Petrol Prices Slowly Reaching U.K. 1980s Prices

Louis Cypher
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U.S. Petrol Prices Slowly Reaching U.K. 1980s Prices

“All I see on the net are Americans moaning about their gasoline prices. I worked it out, what they’re paying is what the UK motorist was paying in 1986. Why don’t you Yanks come over here and see what we have to pay?” a bankrupted British motorist told the BBC.

If any Americans had to pay what the UK motorist has to pay every day there would be riots in the streets. Try justifying 92% of the price going to fuel tax in the UK and you will see what we are dealing with here.

“Y’all Limeys need to stop driving because if that was me I would not be goddamn driving. Are you guys crazy? My 3 MPG SUV would be left in my drive,” an American motorist from Detroit told ABC news.

Moral of the story is, stop your whining and think for a second what the Brits are paying for their petrol.

Iain Duncan Smith to Do Shelf Stacking Says Cameron

Louis Cypher
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Iain Duncan Smith to Do Shelf Stacking Says Cameron

“I have joined the Back-to-Work programme that I started and ran for a couple of years. I will be stacking shelves in my local Poundland shop for £2.23 an hour and gaining valuable work experience for my effort,” Mr Duncan Smith told the Daily Mail.

Prime Minister David Cameron sacked Mr Duncan Smith on Friday because “it just was not working out” he said.

There is still no mention of a replacement for Iain Duncan Smith but the Cabinet post will possibly be filled by the end of this week.

Dispatches from Westminster seem to suggest that Mr Cameron is looking for fresh ministerial talent and not the old Tory guard.

Chinese Can Now Cut Their Atmosphere Like Cake

Louis Cypher
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Chinese Can Now Cut Their Atmosphere Like Cake

“Today I am serving pollution pie. It is lovely pie with heavy metals, phosphates, poisonous gases and a good dose of carcinogenic particles,” Ling Ling Xiamin, a 34-year-old Chinese woman from Beijing’s East side told state television today.

The Beijing atmosphere is so heavy and thick that one needs a very sharp knife to cut through it.

“The air is solid, and you’re shit out of luck if you try and put a naked flame anywhere near it. Kaboom! Sometimes I see people trying to light a cigarette and they spontaneously combust. There is literally nothing left of them afterwards,” another citizen of Beijing said.

It is not only dangerous to breathe in the noxious fumes into your lungs, but visibility is next to zero and some Beijing city officials are proposing the use of heat sensors or radar to see where things are.

“We are working on being able to detect objects in the streets and open spaces with radar and heat scanners. This will enable people to go about their daily lives in a relatively normal fashion,” Wing Wang Wong, a high ranking communist party official in charge of air pollution told the Xinhua news network.

Horse Meat Burgers Sold in UK Are Delicacy in Romania

Louis Cypher
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Horse Meat Burgers Sold in UK Are Delicacy in Romania

“In our country we use everything and eat everything because we are so poor. This is why it angers me so much that the whining British should complain about eating condemned horse and donkey meat from our country. We have been eating this type of meat for centuries and it is our tradition,” Romu Ceausesfu, a Romanian tourism spokesman told state television last night.

There is a lot of anger and dismay across the former soviet country about the British hostility to the millions of Romanian immigrants who will come to the United Kingdom soon enough. Horse and donkey meat in this Eastern European outpost is seen as a delicacy to be savoured and not reviled as in the UK.

“Big Issue, Big Issue!” a Romanian woman shouts outside a local Tesco in London’s Hampstead. Irina Skodlesku, 34, who arrived in the UK two months ago, receives £34,000 in benefits per annum in benefits and housing costs and she also makes over £150 per day in Big Issue sales.

“I am very happy to be here it like a dream for me. In my country I had nothing, now I get everything I want for free in UK. How good is that? So my English friends, it’s not just horse burgers that come from Romania but people like me,” she said cackling like a jackal.

By the end of 2013, 29 million Romanians and Bulgarians will be eligible to come to the UK to receive free hospital care, benefits, schooling, and housing.

Obama State of the Quack Address

Louis Cypher
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Obama State of the Quack Address

“I want to quack quack make it harder for some people to own certain types of quack quack guns and make it harder for small businesses to quack employ people and also keep on quack quacking people with drones and play some more quack quack rounds of golf,” president Obama said to rapturous applause from the assembled Democrats, but a lot of hissing sounds came from the Republican corner.

Gabe Mulrones, a Republican congressman from Kentucky said: “The boy got guts going up there wearing a duck outfit. If he was in the wilds back home, we’d be getting the ol’ blunderbuss out and shooting the ol’ duck from the sky. Good thing I got my duck caller with me tonight so I can make some funny duck sounds at the goddamn Democrat assholes.”

Let the second lame duck term commence.

Palace Tells Kate Middleton She Might Have to Wear Burkini From Now On

Louis Cypher
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Palace Tells Kate Middleton She Might Have to Wear Burkini From Now On

The burkini fashioned by Muslim women, has also been adopted by celebrities like Nigella Lawson, especially during a recent beach holiday to the South of France.

It is increasingly being used by non-Muslim female celebrities as a way of preserving their modesty from the prying eyes of waiting paparazzi.

“Unfortunately the recent topless photos and the latest Italian nude pregnancy snaps published by an Italian celebrity magazine are the last straw that broke the camels back. We have thus instructed Kate to go burkini shopping in Dubai or somewhere around Marble Arch,” one of the palace aides told the BBC.

There has been palace fury directed at Kate Middleton’s uninvited photographers and publishers and someone needs to put a stop to this immediately.

“She takes a six figure taxpayer funded luxury holiday every three weeks so we will need to be vigilant in our stand against the paparazzi,” a key palace spokesman said yesterday.

Yes But If It Was a Greek Pope He Would Have Retired at 45

Louis Cypher
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“Not only do most high earning Greeks not pay an ounce of tax but they all retire on full EU pensions and perks by the age of 45. At least we had a pope who worked until the age of 86 don’t you think?” Gabriel Santorini, a Catholic worshipper at St Peter’s Basilica said today.

The sudden resignation of pope Benedict XVI has taken many people by surprise and his old age seems to have unfortunately caught up with him.

“It is the same thing in Germany where workers retire at a much advanced age compared to certain countries in the Southern European portion of the eurozone, naming no names of course, ahem,” Alfred Schonberg, a prominent business leader from Berlin revealed.

It is a good thing that the Greeks are Orthodox and that scenario could never be played out anyway.

There’s Some Bad News About the Tesco Value Beer As Well..

Louis Cypher
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There’s Some Bad News About the Tesco Value Beer As Well..

Your mince may have been 100% condemned donkey meat from Romania but come on chaps lay off the beer.

It seems that bad news travels in multiples of ten these days, as Tesco’s Value Lager has now been analysed to have 89% horse urine.

“Well, it tasted like horse piss so it goes without saying that it was what it f*cking tasted like,” Harry Hattersly, 23, from Bognor Regis told the Daily Mail.

The Tesco Value range lager costs 23 pence a can and has been a big hit across the country.

After an independent laboratory recently tested the beer, it was discovered to contain 89% horse and 11% donkey urine.

“That Tesco value beer’s like rocket fuel and it has a lovely frothy head. I was drinking it at a friend’s barbecue last summer, you know with those 100% beef burgers and all. Good times, innit,” Gavin Munter, 23, from Walsall told the BBC news.

As for the chicken, well best not to ask what that actually is either..

Murdoch Can’t Get His Page 3 Up Anymore

Louis Cypher
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Murdoch Can’t Get His Page 3 Up Anymore

“Whatever Wendi does, poor old Rupert can’t get his Page 3 up and he’s now resorted to tweeting about how outdated it is. I actually feel very sad about the whole thing,” Jonny Graham, 42, a welder, and avid Page 3 fan from Blackpool revealed in the Sun today.

The Sun newspaper’s staff are bracing for the bad news from their impuissant boss.

“Rupert has lost the plot, I mean he’s been getting his Page 3 up since 1969 and now he can’t. I know you’re old mate but don’t be such a killjoy to others, purely because of your own shortcomings” one of the Sun’s staff members quipped.

Farewell the Dark Pope Back to the Catacombs With You

Louis Cypher
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Farewell the Dark Pope Back to the Catacombs With You

“We will not miss the air of menace and the smile that could curdle milk, but we will instead think to ourselves, who could top Pope Benedict XVI for sheer dramatic value? Satan himself could not come close to such presence,” Antonio Malvolio, a Vatican expert, commented on the Rai Uno channel after hearing the news of the pope’s resignation today.

One can imagine a scene reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno, with the pope stepping out of an elevator as it hits the bottom of the cavern. He is finally home, away from the baying crowds who so maliciously denied him of any respect or gratitude.

“Unfortunately for this pope, there was an unholy air about him. The tricksters of past ages at least had an air of spiritual bliss about them, yet Benedict exuded an air of malice, chaos and anarchy. The world is certainly not a better place now after many years of his presence. In fact, it is as if he took the malevolent energy and negativity that he channelled and increased it even further to impossible levels,” a Vatican insider revealed.

Farewell dark Pope…farewell…

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