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Richard III Conquers Car Park

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“My Kingdom for a horse” may have to be rewritten as “My Kingdom for a Volkswagon” historians are now saying.

Professor Julien Sentermon, for Kings College London, has revealed incredible new revelations with regards to Richard III and his burial in a car park.

“His last battle was not in Bosworth and he was not killed there, instead we think he was accidentally run over by a dust cart in Leicester Castle’s car park. Ever since 1485, there has been a car park, or cart park as they used to call it in that spot. He was thus buried in the spot where he fell, and the writing on his stone casket reveals the damning truth of his tragic death.”

The casket where Richard III died says: “Here lieth Richard III, he did not dieth in Bosworth, but Alas a Cart Park in Leicester run over by a lowly serf riding a dust cart. My Ford Fiesta and your Vauxhall Vectra be prais’d, victorious friends; The Pay and Display is ours, the bloody dog is dead!”

New ASBO Schools to Have Own Prison Wings

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Teachers are regularly assaulted by uncontrollable violent children in Britain’s state schools, and the government has come up with a great solution to an awful problem, the introduction of on-site prison wings on the school premises.

Asbo Academies

Each academy will need an estimated cost of £9.5 million to build including the prison quarters. The taxpayer, from 2013 will have to foot an additional £540 million per annum for these Asbo academies to be introduced across the country.

Parents and councillors welcomed the new ruling.

The detention wings will hold pupils indefinitely and there will even be on-site school courts so that pupils can go straight from the classroom to jail in one fell swoop.

“We’ve had about thirty teachers beaten up by the little toe rags. Naturally you can’t lay a finger on them or you’ll be arrested yourself so this new prison on the school site is a welcome relief,” Mathew Arbunckle, a Maths teacher, who was recovering in hospital after receiving multiple stab wounds in the classroom, told the BBC.

The Education Secretary said today: “Britain is teeming with feral violent children and it seems this is the only way to deal with the situation.”

Humanity Could Be Reverting to Apes Say Scientists

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“We used to think that humans evolved from apes as a final evolutionary movement, but extensive research over a period of forty years has come to the groundbreaking conclusion that humans are actually reverting into apes in a sort of reverse cycle over thousands of years,” Professor Alan Greenweild, told a group of scientists at the 2012 Geneva Science Symposium on Friday.

Over millions of years there were many hominid designations such as Homo ergaster, Homo georgicus, Homo heidelbergensis, Homo pekinensis and the Neanderthal. Eventually Homo sapiens prevailed and we now have so-called ‘modern humans’.

The forty year study collated data from all gene pools and countries in the world.

“What we found is that humans are slowly reverting back to their original state, maybe in the next thousand years or even earlier than that, humans will be living in the trees again and eating berries. There may still be types who are bipeds but they will mostly revert back to being quadrupeds and their brain power will be approximately 43% of modern humans now. Once humans have reverted linguistically to communicate by grunting, then the cycle of evolution will have come full circle and be complete,” Professor Greenweild said.

There are clues to the incredible claims in modern man today, and Manchester United footballer, Wayne Rooney is a key example of how some humans are reverting to apes faster than others.

“We studied Wayne Rooney and were astounded at how quickly he is reverting back to the original ape state. He resembles the Homo heidelbergensis genus or Neanderthal, and he also communicates with short grunts. Unfortunately for humanity, this is where we are headed. Look at Rooney and you will see yourself in a thousand odd years,” the professor added.

World governments have taken note at the new research findings and have made contingency plans to avert humans becoming apes again.

“We got America’s Joe Biden and Russia’s Vladimir Putin on the job. Those two guys are tasked with the job of stopping humans reverting back to apes. Looks like we’re all fucked,” a distraught American citizen told CNN.

Carmel Antique Dealer: “Clint Eastwood Shot My Chair Up”

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Timothy Dunnholmes, owns the only antique shop in Carmel and he has filed a lawsuit against Clint Eastwood.

“He came into my shop with one of his latest floozies, she must have been in her seventies, and Clint tries to impress the gal. He got angry at one of my prized chairs and starts telling it about Mitt Romney and how he is the only hope for America. He was babbling on and on and it seemed to go on for hours, and then he said ‘This is a 44 BB gun and it can blow your head clean off!’ and started shooting like crazy. That chair would have sold for $300 and he shot it up like it was a perp in a bank heist. I want compensation,” Mr Dunnholmes told local news stations.

Clint Eastood was not available for comment on Monday.

What the Kardashians Won’t Tell You

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In a world of smart phones that track your every move, social networks that track and log your every thought, aerial drones, TSA searches, listening devices, and banal vapid vulgar shows like the Kardashians spewed out on every network on a 24 hour loop, you might as well get your brain and liberty and put them in a shredder. This is the height of our civilisation. This is it. Out of the thousands of great thinkers and philosophers that have graced history, this is what the controllers are feeding the public. This is what they think of you, and looking around the streets, the cafes and the schools, this is what people deserve.

Tyranny of the banal

The Kardashians are the epitome of everything that has gone wrong in our civilisation, they are the antithesis of all knowledge and decency in the world. The Kardashians, and the scum that produce their show are polluters and should be tried for crimes that are too unspeakable to mention. Just for a show like the Kardashians to be broadcast is a sign that we are nearing the end of so-called civility and moving into a further state of chaos and disorder.

Technique

“One must understand that we are nearing a new engineered stage in our history. When you cry for economic growth, the controllers will say, “Why?” and this is exactly the case. Why would they want growth of the economy from a system that is unworkable, old and not needed anymore? Simply put, the consumerist era is over, and there is no growth after this. Do you think for one second that 1.3 billion Chinese people moving up to all own cars, big houses and Middle Class Western goodies is a good thing? Think again, and the same goes for the rapidly increasing population of India. If they want all the trappings of a Westerner, then there is going to be big trouble. There are only finite resources in the world to cope with the rapidly increasing populations of these countries, and America will feel the wrath of the Eastern population and economic growth soon enough. What happens in America will be felt in the UK and Europe,” a disillusioned American ex-voter told Fox news on Friday.

The spectre of economic collapse and geo-political chaos will be utilised as an opportunity by the world government to bring in the post-consumerist era. The populations were encouraged to consume and breed post World War 2 but now that the elite have reached a zenith of technological supremacy, there is no need for the consumerist populations. Instead, bloated populations are made to feel like they are taking up too much space with eco drives, energy meters, carbon credits, eco propaganda. You are the terrorist now, purely for existing.

When the intern camps are full to the brim and the smoke clears, the big screens will come on, playing more Kardashians mockingly. This is what you get for sleeping, if only you had woken up earlier.

Madonna Fires Assistant After Misspelling Obama on Her Back

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“Tonight I’m not going to show you my bony ass,” she said, according to US media.”I’m going to show my feelings. How’s that for living dangerously?”

Unfortunately for the self-proclaimed Queen of Pop there was a major malfunction by her assistant backstage because the word OBAMO was painted on her back instead of OBAMA.

Everyone in the stadium was in hysterics as they laughed and applauded the mistake, some even jeering and booing.

“Madonna did not know the mistake until after the show, and you can guess what happened then. The fur was flying and the air turned blue. Five of her assistants have been let go and even her manager, Joel Ephraim, is in the firing line. This is real serious,” a Madonna insider revealed.

This is not the first time the pop singer has made an ass of herself and it probably won’t be the last.

Romney to House Wives in East Wing After Election

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“This is something that is very important for Mitt. He wants his wives to each have their own room, and even their own communal area where they can congregate. Mitt will be in the West Wing and his wives in the East Wing,” Jane Trebiso, one of Romney’s campaigners told Reuters.

In addition to the First Wives in the White House, there will also be a Mormon Temple built in the back yard, and daily prayers will be held there.

Obama campaigners were furious with the plans and even reiterated the point that polygamy (the practice of marrying many wives) is currently outlawed by United States law and Romney would be contravening these laws if he was president.

“Mitt is a legislator. He will change the currently outdated discriminatory laws and adjust them to his faith. We need to open America up to Mormonism, to polygamy and bring God back to the people. America needs to breed more true God loving Americans, we want more wives for each man so we can breed another new America. A wholesome America where abortions and gays are outlawed. The more wives we got the better it is for that, remember there are only a few good men left, and we’re the ones with the multiple wives,” Mitt’s second in command, Jim Hallibarts, told Fox news.

David Beckham to Have Kidneys and Liver Tattooed

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The heavily tattooed football star says that he wants to have the words Burberry and Gucci tattooed in Cantonese on both his kidneys and liver.

“It’s going to be a statement innit. Everyone’s going to want to do it. I’m a pioneer, it’s money I got to spend, innit,” Mr Beckham told the Sun newspaper.

The pioneering laser tattoo operation will take four hours to complete and will cost Beckham $450,000.

“We’re getting more and more celebrities asking for this internal tattooing. It’s the ultimate in status symbols, and you can only see them if the celebrity gets a probe or surgeons operate,” Thomas Densillion, a celebrity expert for the DSX Entertainment Agency in Los Angeles told Media Week.

Thousands Afghans Surge to Join Afghan Army to Shoot Americans

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“They train us to shoot, then they pay us, and then the icing on the cake, wait for it, we get to shoot them,” a joyous Afghan army recruit said whilst waiting in line for his NATO machinegun at Kabul’s main army recruitment centre.

The Americans have noticed a massive surge in interest to join the Afghan army by the locals.

“It’s like a dream come true for them folk. We give them guns, pay them, and then they get to bag a few of us when we’re not looking. It’s like the highest honour for these Afghans to go out in a blaze of glory killing five or six US servicemen each time. They are heroes in the villages and surrounding towns,” Special Sergeant, Lewis Kowlowski, for the US Marines told CNN before being fatally shot by an Afghan recruit later on in the day.

Every day there are reports of Americans being shot to death by Afghan army recruits, and the shootings will probably increase exponentially as Afghans keep deluging the Afghan army as recruits.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. We’re getting thousands Afghans wanting to join each day. You ask ’em why they want to join the Afghan army. Some of them ain’t too clever because they will blurt out to shoot Americans, so we let them go quick, but they just come back next day and change the line to shoot Taliban,” Afghan army recruiter, Al Hertyu, told CNN.

Man Arrested For Defending Family From Burglars

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“We have arrested the man who was defending his wife and property from aggressive burglars. The burglars have been set free but the man and his wife were arrested because they tried to protect themselves,” a policeman at the scene told Human Rights lawyers.

The husband and wife were said to have disturbed the burglars during the break-in and the man shot the criminals with a shotgun injuring two.

“This will not do. The burglars could have been severely injured. We must have the Health and Safety inspectorate on site as well as the Crown Prosecution Service immediately. Protecting one’s family and property is a highly illegal practice in the United Kingdom and must be stamped out with extreme prejudice. Despicable behaviour, and these two miscreants will be tried to the full extent of British law,” QC Lloyd Davidson, told the Daily Mirror.

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