“Commies are now bugging commies. Now that comes as a surprise,” a man on a desert island said.
Who would have thought it, the Obama administration is collecting data on every communication in the EU.
“They’re bugging everyone else so it stands to reason that Obama’s commie crew are going to bug the EU commie crew. Makes perfect sense,” a surveillance specialist said.
Do bears sh*t in the woods, is the Pope Catholic?
“I gadda take da brick, you know one brick, then lay it on da uahdda brick, then lay annuda brick! I love it. It is so ex-c-i-t-ing! You seddus u-u-hp! It’s all bullsh*t, all of it! I gadda do all da dirty woirk but it’s wurth it!” the elated former actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger said from his Hollywood Hills mansion.
There are many hours of fun to be had with the new hobby and the Hollywood legend has already built numerous things with his newly found skill.
“I builted vun wa-a-ll here, and annuda wall deyar and I vant to builtedannuda wall deyar!” Arnie said with a big grin.
“You may be an NHS surgeon with a scalpel skill level of a rhinoceros, well all is not lost, you can still get a job at the Squib,” our sub sub sub editor, Jules Malcontent revealed today.
The Squib office is all too eager to employ the NHS butter fingered surgeons who are so bad that the NHS allows them to hide their high death rates.
“When I was working as an NHS surgeon, I was bottom of the league table but at the Daily Squib I’m worth something. It doesn’t matter that I can’t write a coherent sentence and cannot even hold a pen or type. Thank you Squib for employing me,” Dr. Ralph Stabber said from his toilet cubicle desk.
“When you have senior Tories like Douglas Hurd, Ken Clarke and Leon Brittan saying the UK should stay in the EU, then you know the hierarchy have already got things stitched up. Add in the variables of a constant media blitz from Britain’s EU masters ordering the UK Press to compile articles espousing the benefits of EU membership, and many of the people are now pro EU. If things turn awry and there is a negative vote, then they will simply either order a recount or make the whole vote up. Such is the power of the EU over Britain and the financial clout that it wields, there will be no choice for the UK. There may never be a referendum anyway because if Labour wins the 2015 election, they will scrap the referendum as it has no legal basis. Even the Royals have accepted the EU, and the euro currency because it will merely mean alignment with their heartland — Germany,” Edmund Spicer, revealed in a recent report.
Further EU agitation of course comes from staunch europhile Cameron, the BBC and naturally Labour.
“Once the EU referendum is stitched up, this is the green light to dump the GBP and bring in the euro currency. By then, Britain would be completely defeated as a nation and the silent Soviet revolution would be complete. Not one shot will be fired for this defeat. It will in fact be hailed as a victory,” another key researcher on the project added.
“One must understand that one has to have one’s room. This is why one has seen fit to extend one’s palace a little especially since one has had a pay rise. Shut up Charles, stop sulking in the corner,” the Queen said at a recent press engagement showing off the new extended buildings.
In addition to a few skyscrapers rising above the original palace building the Queen has even seen fit to add about five helicopter pads and a special room even for Fergie.
“Well, the Queen was feeling a little sorry for Fergie who’s currently homeless, so she built her a room in one of the skyscrapers. It’s far away from the normal royal residence so no one will see her,” a palace spokesman revealed to the BBC.
“If I can stay alive for three more days during the festival and not croak it will be a serious bonus for me,” the frazzled old rocker told the Glasto Times.
Keith Richards is a marvel of medical science and has ingested more drugs than the entire subcontinent of North America.
The Rolling Stone’s personal physician, Doctor Louis Cypher revealed the secrets of the guitar legend’s longevity: “In the mornings we pump his veins with copious amounts of narcotics, we’re talking quantities that could make a herd of elephants drop dead. That gets him out of bed. Then when it’s lunch time he has a full blood transplant where we replace his system with fresh Bourbon. He’s ready to go then.”
“We revised the figures again to show that we actually never had a ‘double dip’ although Britain’s economy is in a Great Depression with millions of people out of work and a drastic fall in household disposable income, as well as savings. In other words, if you’ve got any money in the bank it’s practically worthless,” an ONS statistician revealed today.
The UK’s trade deficit increased by £4.7 billion and one only has to look at the High Street to see how Britain is really doing.
Boarded up shops, dole queues at the local off licence and betting shops tell a different story to the chipper news from the Office of National Statistics.
“It’s great, I’ve got a Masters in Geophysics and I’ve been employed as a road sweeper for the past year since graduation. Life can’t be better,” a recent graduate told the Daily Telegraph.
“If I ever need a brew, I just flash my card and I get a few tins to last me a few hours,” Alfred Thompson, 54, a homeless man who lives under Waterloo bridge told the BBC.
Having a credit card when you’re homeless really does ease the pain, and it’s all thanks to the many credit card companies who have stepped in as a gesture towards London’s homeless.
“We hope to provide as many homeless people with credit cards so they can spend, spend, spend,” one of the credit card companies involved in the scheme revealed.
As of yet there has not been any information released as to how the homeless will pay back the credit cards, but the companies involved say that they give credit cards to absolutely anyone and homeless people should not be discriminated against.
“You ever seen a piece of celery walk up your arm, then gently pop into your open mouth? Well, we have GM vegetables and fruits that can sprout legs and walk to your waiting mouth saving you a whole lot of trouble. The old days of knives and forks are over folks, welcome to the future,” professor Harold Fenster, project leader on the GM Food Trotter project told New Scientist magazine.
Depending on how hungry a person is, the GM food has different levels of speed and urgency in which it will find its way to your mouth.
“You might be late for work. No problem, just tap on the table three times and the GM food hurries up. A word of caution though, you don’t want to tap too much or you could choke with GM food traffic,” another scientist on the project revealed.
The new GM food will be available in shops in 2016 after further tests are completed.
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