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Tories to Leave Note to Next Labour Government Saying ‘Here’s the Money Spend It’

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“Labour spent everything, we’re currently trying to fix their mess, so we’re going to leave them a kind letter stating that we clawed back some money in the Treasury and they can spend it all again on their tin pot socialist projects and cronyistic spendthrift ways,” the Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne revealed.

The Tory letter will be left in one of the Treasury drawers and there will also be a blank cheque of taxpayers money to spend on foreign holidays, pork pies (if two jags Prescott is reinstated) as well as tonnes of cash for 47 inch 3D TVs for every long-term unemployed person in the UK.

Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls said: “We can’t wait. When we come into power in 2015 we will continue our goal to bankrupt Britain even further.”

Putin a Secret American Patriot

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“I have a confession to make. I have always been an American patriot. I want you to uphold your right to freedom of speech and the constitution as laid out by your American founding fathers. Unlike your current president, Obama who has trashed the constitution and holds the American public with contempt and disrespect, I as a Russian am a True American Patriot. God bless America and its constitution. Thou shalt have the right to bear arms, thou shalt have the right to NOT be needlessly searched, thou shalt have the right to freedom of expression, thou shalt have the right to go about ones daily business without mass surveillance, infringement and persecution. Your current president is a commie bastard. I never thought I would say that, and I think Americans should take their goddamn country back from that Stasi piece of lying дерьмо!” Russian president Vladimir Putin said on a television address on Tuesday.

Obama’s sanctimonious calls to country’s like China and Russia to curb surveillance and increase internet freedom are rather redundent at the moment after the mask was pulled off by American hero Edward Snowden.

Former Obama voter, Ron Washington said: “Obama fooled me and millions of Americans. Hell, I don’t think he’s even a full born and bred American, like was he born here? This guy should stop with the Stasi surveillance and checkpoints. The American people are not the enemy. Quit with the destruction of the American constitution. You ain’t a goddamn toe nail on the founders. Not even one hair on your body is worth what they wrote in the constitution. We, the people are not the enemy you humourless mangy dog. Now go on git. In Texas we have a saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, er…shame on me. Looks like I got fooled twice. Shame on me.”

When Americans Die Do They Go to Infomercial Heaven?

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Nothing sums up American society better than the Infomercial. It is part of their consumer culture.

“You can sell an American a twig from a tree if you put it in an Infomercial and give it a $19.95 price tag. That’s the beauty of living and doing business in America. I love it. God bless this country. My bank balance loves it too,” a businessman from Ohio said on his Infomercial selling twigs.

New White House Cook Announced

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An excited Michelle Obama announced the new cook yesterday at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.

“I am pleased to announce our new cook. She is going to give us some true Southern style cooking.”

Paula Deen, who recently retired from the Food Network, is an expert cook and loves nothing better then to put a tub of butter in a pan and cook up those chitterlings like a pro.

“When I heard that I got the job I said some words beginning with N, and I got out my Soul Food book and started studying. You know, it’s gonna be like cooking for the work on the old plantation. I’m gonna make sure the Obama family is well catered for so they can spend our hard earned tax dollars vacationing in Europe. Gee, I can’t wait to start!” an excited Paula Deen said whilst cracking a whip on one of her negro waiters in her restaurant in Alabama.

How to Have a Barbecue During a British Summer

It may be pissing down with twenty different shades of rain and the water droplets are so large they thud loudly and hurt you when they hit the top of your head.

Do not despair, the Daily Squib is here to rescue the situation and we will show you how to have that perfect British summer barbecue.

All you need to do is get the delicious food ready and you’ll soon be on your way.

The Daily Squib British Summer Barbecue Tips

1) Booking a flight outside the UK is easy these days. You can do it on the internet or you can go to a local travel agent that has not gone out of business on your High Street. Once you book your flight, simply get on the plane with your food and when you arrive at the sunny destination of your choice, you can have a lovely barbie. A word of caution though, do not try and have a barbecue in the airport at the arrivals terminal or you could be in for a surprise.

2) Wait for next summer, or if that one is bad, wait for another summer. This could go on for the next ten or twenty years, but the wait will be worthwhile.

3) Moving to another sunnier country is not a problem, that is if you are willing to put up with the natives, and you can have a barbecue every day as opposed to only two days in a five year period in the UK.

4) Have a wet barbecue. Make sure to pre-cook the barbecue meat first in a frying pan, then take it out into the rain and put it onto your barbecue.

5) Don’t have a barbecue. This is the simplest way of dealing with the problem. Instead, why not opt for a ready-made meal from a superstore or better still, a takeaway curry with a few tinnies sitting in front of the telly. Job done.

Prince Charles Laments Princess Diana Not Ageing Well

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“We married in 1981 and she was the picture of beauty, young with porcelain skin, but now I’m afraid she looks like an old leather bag found in the castle attic,” the Prince Charles remarked, before getting into the royal chauffeur driven limousine.

There are rumours in the Palace that all is not well with the Prince and his wife.

“We have unconfirmed reports from Palace aides that the Prince may be thinking about trading his old model in for a newer one. These are of course unconfirmed rumours and cannot be substantiated at this time,” a Royal correspondent for the BBC revealed today.

Spy Charged With Spying

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“One of our spies was..er..spying and that’s why we..er..charged him with spying,” an unidentified spokesman said from a bush outside the Pentagon.

These are serious allegations against the spy and if he is caught and charged for spying he could be in trouble.

“He was spying. Now that’s a crime because we trained him to spy on millions of Americans and he spied on us instead. We need to catch him and rewire his goddamn brain, the daft git,” another unnamed spook revealed.

It seems there’s a lot of spying going on these days.

From Now On All Private Emails Will Be Public Says Obama

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“We’re going to post it all on the internet so we can show people that there is truly nothing to hide from. Privacy in the digital age is non existent anyway and I think people will feel liberated and relieved by my new directive,” President Obama said from his multi-million dollar European vacation.

The publication of millions of emails will be the first strand in the program and the US government is also working with the UK’s spy agency GCHQ to do the same for Britain.

Members of the public were strangely sanguine and accepting of the new ruling.

“I welcome all my private emails being published on the internet by the government. I’m a narcissistic exhibitionist anyway as all my Facebook friends already know,” Julia Sentermo, a student from Tulsa, Oklahoma told Fox News.

President Obama then went on to say: “We’re truly bringing the world together. It’s good to talk. We’ve been reading your stuff for years, and now everyone will be reading what we’ve been reading. Have fun folks.”

Bernanke Speaks VIX Peaks

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“Short everything Bernanke just hit the mic,” a Wall Street trader shouted from the pits yesterday.

What is it with Bernanke one minute they’re telling you everything is great and everyone should pile into the stock market and next the bottom falls out?” a disgruntled investor said nursing a headache and a seriously depleted portfolio.

Another panicking investor remarked: “The end of QE means the end of easy money for the bankers, because they’re the only ones who benefit from it. No one else does.”

Experts: “Recessions Never Come in Ones”

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The mild hiccup in 2008, touted as the worst crisis in fifty years, was a small tremor, and the real earthquake has not yet hit. The reaction to the financial tremor in 2008 was a blitz of Quantitative Easing, however the treatment was worse than the ailment and if the economists had simply let the tremor run its course allowing the weak financial institutions to fail we would be out of the mess by now. Instead, world economists made the problem worse with QE and we are soon going to receive an earthquake so large that it may not be recoverable. Maybe this was planned in the first place.

“Sooner or later they’re going to have to stop printing money. What happens then? Well, we go back to 2008 times a thousand. It’s very simple, China’s credit bubble is close to popping already, and America’s top heavy debt mountain will topple. It’s just physics. There’s nothing anyone can do about it. You cannot prop up a failed system or financial institutions like the US, UK tried to do, they were only buying time,” Giles Hansen, an expert in geo-economics at the Global Economics Forum think tank revealed.

Such fatalistic rhetoric may be swept under the carpet by many, but there are people who know what is going on quietly preparing themselves.

“After 2008, we realised that the old world system is defunct. The New World Order cannot come into being with something that is unworkable. The consumer led societies of yesterday are redundant and the elite want to move forward fast. If it takes total war and destruction or a lab created virus, they are prepared for the collateral damage of the populations that are currently sustaining them with tax revenue. Technological singularity has now made the consumer redundant, and the elite will in the future look for robotic slaves that do not need to be entertained or mollycoddled. The tax cash cows were used to achieve technological supremacy for the elite. The eminent Bertrand Russell, and Aldous Huxley all knew what was to come as did George Orwell,” another researcher on the project revealed.

It’s not all bad news though; according to the economic experts, the world will once again return to a sustainable future after the problem is solved leaving only a select few elite to enjoy living in Elysium.