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Rooney Gets Job at British Museum

“We are pleased to announce that Wayne has been given a permanent position at the British Museum. We are thankful for his participation and hope to have a long lasting employer’s relationship with him,” head of the Neolithic collection, Jasper Lampater, revealed today.

According to the press release, Rooney will be part of the caveman exhibit and will be required to just stand there for hours on end, sometimes grunting or dragging his knuckles on the exhibit’s fake rock formations.

Caroline Massey, a regular visitor to the British Museum said: “Golly! This sounds fantastic. Can’t wait to see him headbutt a Japanese tourist who gets too close or lift his leg to pee on a fake tree. I’ve heard that Colleen will join him on certain days, but don’t know where she’ll put all the shopping bags of designer clothes?”

New Photo Dating App Just Yes or No Required

“All you have to do is tick yes or no to a photo of someone you want to shag, then if that person says yes as well, the geographic location data of each person is then transmitted to the users’ phones but not shown directly to the users and the app then chooses a safe meeting point and time. It really is that simple. You cannot write messages or anything else to anyone. After you meet, it is up to you what you do of course,” Anders Jameson, the designer of the app revealed.

There is no ‘maybe’

The new app called ‘Yes/No’ has come under criticism from many conservative and religious groups as they say it promotes promiscuity however the app’s designers say they are merely simplifying and speeding up dating. In these modern times this can’t be a bad thing.

“You can tell pretty much everything from a photo. Also we do not disallow pictures of body parts, because this simply indicates to the other user how fast they are willing to get to intercourse. We have seen a massive interest in this app, and on the first day of launch it was downloaded 40 million times,” Mr Jameson told Tech Zone magazine.

J K Rowling Relieved She is Not Secretly Behind Daily Squib Stories

After her own PR people recently rumbled her pseudonym written book because clearly sales were not moving in the right direction, J K Rowling has emphatically denied she is behind anything written in the Daily Squib.

“You muggles really are a bunch of simpletons. Why on earth would I write anything for that awful rag? I only ever wrote stuff for the Daily Prophet! I’ve got a good mind to banish the lot of you to Azkaban. Expelliarmus, and all that,” J K Rowling said from her mansion’s living room whilst swimming knee deep in fifty pound notes.

The Daily Squib editor for our newspaper’s spells section said: “Poor old J K, I actually don’t think she’ll ever get away from the Harry Potter thing. She really needs to go back and start writing some more Potter stuff. It’s the only way forward.”

New London Postcards Unveiled

Gone are the Beefeaters, Tower Bridge and Big Ben which have now been replaced by homeless Roma travellers camped out in every conceivable green space within the capital.

“I think these new postcards are great. They show Park Lane and and the wonderful shot of a Romanian beggar cleaning his feet in a bucket next to Buckingham Palace was a wonderful touch. I’m sure tourists all over the world are going to want to come here more so they can have their pockets and passports pilfered by these shady characters,” Chris Mellors, spokesman for the London Tourist Board told the BBC.

There is further good news for Britain when in 2014, 29 million Romanians and Bulgarians will be given free passes by the EU to come to the UK, and this will provide even more interesting material for tourists who come to the UK on their holidays to send postcards home with.

Snowden Probably Knows About 911

Most certainly Vladimir Putin knows about that special piece of information that could be rather embarrassing to the U.S. government if it was divulged to the public, this is why Mr Putin has told Snowden he will give him asylum only if he keeps his mouth shut from divulging further leaks. It would probably not be in Russia’s best interest if things were to go awry across the pond.

You don’t have to be a brainbox or security analyst to know what would damage the U.S. more than anything else in the world.

New American Century

“I always like to say, if you want to find out who did something, you have to look at who benefited from an action. Hmmm, now let’s see. Who benefited from 911? Cui bono? The Arabs and Muslims certainly did not benefit, and they were the ones who supposedly committed those atrocities. You see, there it is. Now, let’s go further with this. What would the American people do if they found out who really engineered 911? Personally, I don’t know what the American people would do. All I can say is, some people know and some just choose to carry on still knowing but feel they have too much to lose if they tried to do anything about it. Therefore, they secretly in their hearts accept it,” Dan Innocentu, a man who witnessed the twin towers demolition in 2001 told a radio program today.

Let’s hope that Snowden does not reveal any more information.

Life is Cheap When You’re an African American

“Barack Obama would certainly not be a U.S. President if he was just a regular coloured person in America. He’s only one now because of his lineage and connections. You see life is cheap for African Americans, if they ain’t killing themselves, they’re getting killed by others or being incarcerated in prison. Violence and poverty for African Americans is endemic. When it comes down to it, a black person’s life ain’t worth a white person’s freedom. It just ain’t and never will be. You don’t see blacks rallying when they’re constantly shooting each other, it’s only when they get shot by someone who ain’t black,” Karl Matheson, a race equalities worker told Ebony magazine.

America’s prison population is awash with the African American. Successive U.S. governments just don’t know what to do with them.

“You would have thought since slavery was abolished in 1865 the African Americans would have risen up the social scale just a little, but apart from a few tokens here and there, there are still major distances in the gulf between blacks and whites in America.” social anthropologist, Kathy Denholm told CNN.

The 16th U.S. President, Abraham Lincoln said in an 1858 speech: “I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything.”

Anyone who studies ancient history or modern history will attest to the fact that the inherent nature of man rarely changes. It does not matter what progressive laws and ideologies pass, and how human societies develop supposed ‘equality’ laws. The inherent nature of humanity always stays the same.

Zimmerman Walks America Talks

“Looks like the disgraceful dirty tricks by the prosecution did not work this time and justice has prevailed,” a court side observor revealed after the all female jury came to their decision to free Zimmerman.

The Daily Squib accurately predicted the court decision on July 3rd.

Florida police spokesman Ron Gonzalez said: “The uncivilised threats of violence by many on social network sites are just that, empty threats. Thanks to Twitter we know who you are now and if you were foolish enough to post on that site you should know that these are surveillance sites which are used to map out trouble spots utilising special software programs. Social surveillance sites are a very useful tool in law enforcement.”

All is well again, justice has been done.

Man Talks to His Family For Whole Hour

“If it wasn’t for the power outtage I wouldn’t have talked to my family for more than an hour. To say it wasn’t the longest hour of my life would however be lying,” Mr McCormack told the Daily Mirror.

The momentous event was relayed across the media and even Boris Johnson, the London Mayor said he was astonished at the news.

“An amazing feat, this man should be given a medal for breaking away from the gadgets for a whole hour let alone for finding the courage to speak to his family face to face for that time.”

The man’s kids were said to actually be very relieved when the hour was up and everyone got back to their gadgets and all was happy again in the household.

EU Says Britain Must Be Physically Moved Closer to Europe

“Ve haff vays of making you move the land mass of Britain so ve can board your island easier und make ze necessary changes to your former country,” Hans Von Richter, an unelected EU representative said Friday.

The EU directive proposes that the English Channel is filled up with concrete and this will thus link up Britain with Europe permanently.

“There won’t be any white cliffs of Dover any more, just a parking lot,” another faceless EU official revealed.

Plans to start the concreting start in 2017.

Royal Baby to be Given Own Cot Palace

“You’d think no one had ever had a baby or something, but ay there’s the rub, this one is supposedly royal. He or she is getting its own cot palace thingy, whatever that is?” a commoner from the streets of London revealed.

With 24/7 royal baby news coverage at the moment how come something of this magnitude has slipped the net?

The royal baby’s cot palace will be equipped with a solid gold nappy changing table resplendent with a diamond encrusted nappy pot where the royal poop will be interred, then discarded by one of the four hundred staff on hand. The Italian marble floors of the play pen were delivered from a quarry somewhere in Naples, and the mother of pearl high chair has a big 40,000 karat diamond on the top of it. Maybe something to play with when dribbling.

“The royal baby’s quarters will still be within Kensington palace’s grounds but some say it is actually more architecturally grandiose than the rather bland Kensington palace itself. Prince Charles himself studied the plans and approved of the design, so that’s definitely a seal of approval,” Charles Butterworth, a royal spokesman revealed to the BBC today.