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Adult Film Stars Outraged After Fully Clothed Photos Leaked

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Adult Film Stars Outraged After Fully Clothed Photos Leaked

“I am outraged. This is a gross invasion of my privacy. The photos depict me fully clothed wearing an overcoat and jeans. The only part of me that showed flesh were my face, neck and hands,” the female adult star, who wished to remain anonymous, told LA Weekly.

Due to the nature of the incident, the FBI have been called out and police helicopters have been mobilised all across America.

FBI agent, Richard Cojone, had this to say to the hacker: “We’re mobilising our forces to get you. There’s nowhere to hide. We have sea, air, ground and satellite search squads zeroing in on your location right now.”

Anyone caught posting any of the leaked photos of clothed adult film stars is liable for immediate arrest and ten years in prison the FBI revealed in another press call today.

Caught in the iCloud Female Hollywood Celebs in Frenzied Fapocalypse

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Caught in the iCloud Female Hollywood Celebs in Frenzied Fapocalypse

 

The Daily Squib offices have been on severe lockdown checking out the leaked photos much like everyone else who has an internet connection in the world, invariably these wonderful images will be ingrained in everyone’s collective consciousness for internet icloud eternity.

Naturally, the Daily Squib foresaw the dangers of iCloud in 2011 when it was first introduced. Coupled with the Edward Snowden revelations which we foresaw four years before him, this episode is merely a storm in a teacup. The celebrities in question, if they were ever in the loop, should know that observers in the National Security Agency have been viewing their pictures long before any hacker saw them. It’s simply common knowledge now that every part of the net is accessible by big brother.

If you’re a fan of Downton Abbey’s Jessica Brown Findlay as much as we are, you will be particularly amused by the pic of her being poked in the eye tentatively by a John Thomas as she looks lovingly at it and pouts suggestively. Don’t know what the photos will do to her career but it’s great to see the Brits keeping up the helm?

Kate Upton, some bint off Sports Illustrated shows everyone that she has immaculate lips, her uncle, U.S. Representative Fred Upton (R-MI) must be so proud.

Hunger Games was a great movie, as were the follow ups, and its indomitable star, Jennifer Lawrence seems rather plain in the leaked photos, she is merely another self-obsessed selfie addict with a penchant for splashing her face with milky white dispersions from some lucky guy and putting the pics on the internet, not quite the heroine who gets one up on the ‘Illuminati’ as portrayed in her films.

The photos are celebratory fappings of a Hollywood destroyed by the internet and it’s own banal mediocrity, in an age where nothing is sacred any more, we get a glimpse of stupid stars who are not in control of themselves. Before the internet happened, actresses would be able to secure roles in films by completing their acts of kindness on deal makers anonymously. This gave the actresses a sense that they got the roles for their talent alone, especially in the eyes of the public. The internet era has however cast an altogether different light to how these paragons of opportunity become successful. The Hollywood machine is a much dilapidated industry now, especially when anyone can download any film they want in a few minutes for free.

As the marketing PR men scramble to salvage some semblance of dignity for their now completely unmasked starlets, and twitter scrambles to delete the accounts of the multitude of users spreading the lurid pictures like wildfire, a solitary question arises, why is it not okay to show a seemingly innocent looking media starlet displaying her glorious attributes for the camera and it is perfectly permissible for violent images of crazed jihadists to display their beheading activities? The answer lies within the Anglo world’s hang up on sex and the media’s fear inducing hunger for gratuitous violence. Keep them all in a constant state of fear at all times.

Next time you watch a film with one of these ladies, you may think to yourself throughout the entire film, the whole world has seen your badly packed kebab, but never mind eh, it’s all part of the biz.

The internet is a truly beautiful invention bringing smiles to a lot of people today. Enjoy.

Constant Tea Breaks by British Jihadis Creating Problems

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Constant Tea Breaks by British Jihadis Creating Problems

 

There’s something about having a nice refreshing cuppa, especially when you’ve got some beheadings to do and the American drones are flying overhead looking for ISIS targets to vapourise.

“I’m a builder by trade, and as you know used to having a cuppa every five minutes, but looks like the Jihadis here don’t do that. They told me one cuppa in the morning and maybe one at night, that is if I’m not dead by then,” John bin Brittani, revealed in Geehads magazine recently.

News from the front travels fast on twitter, and Jihadi commanders have been seen tearing their beards out at the quality of the British jihadis.

“We had one bloke from Salford, Manchester, this geezer said he needed a cup of brew every twenty minutes. He even took his flask with him on operations. I said to him, ‘ere mate, we’re getting shot at, put the flask away. He just wouldn’t have it would he, next thing I know, he’s got his tea and crumpets out with a big grin on his face. Poor fella didn’t make it past his first day, we found him with a cup of piping Earl Grey under a tree and a bullet in him,” Commander of the Al Britanni Brigade, revealed on a recent BBC Newsnight special.

Think Tank: New World Order Can Only Occur From External Planetary Threat

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Think Tank: New World Order Can Only Occur From External Planetary Threat

 

“Generational nationalism and religion are the causes of most of the world’s problems. Nationalism was utilised by leaders in the past to gain strategic ground, however if globalisation is to occur, there must be an abrogation of all nationalism and organised religion.

“Unfortunately the world’s population is still entrenched in petty squabbles about such things as race, territory and religious ideology. The human animal is naturally a territorial beast much like any, but these human qualities are the ones that may lead to its ultimate downfall. Territorial disputes over limited finite resources within a rapidly expanding human population are another major cause for concern as they create disharmony and war.

“If the global community is to transcend these historical biological human pitfalls, there may have to be an ultimate external threat that will render all of humanity’s differences void.

“One major point however that may have to be addressed by the global elite, is the natural order of nature, where the globalists fail, is in their urgency to declare all humans as equal, when in reality there are major biological genetic differences in races, not only in intelligence levels, but through selective breeding through the centuries, especially within the governing classes.

“The essence of the coming technical jump through artificial intelligence may address some of the biological predicaments that have befallen human existence, however there may yet have to be an extra push towards globalisation, and a threat from elsewhere in the universe may be the only way.

“Humans are cyclical creatures revisiting the same patterns over and over again. Some cycles of behaviour may be encased in larger cycles and others are short term cycles within a small period of time.

“Linguistically, the natural progression has been towards the English language, therefore the global New World Order language will supersede all others, and in time the rest will fade away. The English language itself could transmute into an altogether more concise efficient form of communication where the vocabulary for the globalised world would be stripped and simplified even further.

“One way or another, the singular world system will be revealed within the next decade.”

Farewell Joan Rivers You Will be Missed by Liberals Everywhere

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Farewell Joan Rivers You Will be Missed by Liberals Everywhere

 

“We don’t know who we’re going to be shocked by any more,” Stanley Peesie, a CNN news anchor revealed solemnly.

On the MSN news network news readers were seen bawling their eyes out as they attempted to read the terrible news.

“Who am I going to chastise for wearing fur now? I just went and bought a mink coat in honour of Joan Rivers,” a visibly distraught news reader for MSNBC, Dominic Lewsanius, revealed today.

As the funeral cortège snaked through Manhattan Village on Friday, liberals threw pieces of stripped bacon at the procession in honour of Joan’s famously vulgar humour.

“She would have liked that touch. It’s good that the liberals finally came up to her level of bad taste thinking. It took a whole life time but they finally got it after she died,” Rivers’s agent told news outlets.

One positive thing about Joan Rivers passing is that she will not decompose for the next 400 years. Maybe by then they can bring her back to life to entertain the liberals of the future.

Next Kate Bush Concert Scheduled When She’s 91

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Next Kate Bush Concert Scheduled When She’s 91

 

“I couldn’t get tickets this time but can’t wait for the next Kate Bush concert when I’m 120 years old,” Gina Malloy, an avid fan told the BBC.

According to Kate Bush’s agent, the ethereal singer who sometimes sounds like a beached whale, will hold the concert at the same venue in 35 year increments for the next five centuries.

“Thirty five years is a long time for technological progress. We already have plans for Kate to either be encased in a nano particle fluid that will allow her to warble through a sound system. Perhaps in the future, concerts will be beamed into the minds of fans wherever they are geographically located. Please reserve your tickets now, you won’t be disappointed. See you there in 35 years folks,” Jasper Pointon, Kate Bush’s agent revealed yesterday.

British Bake Off World War III Latest News

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British Bake Off World War III Latest News

 

 

Here’s the latest news of the British Bake Off Bin gate saga gripping the nation.

Some bearded pansy twat had a tantrum on television over an ice cream in a bucket that he threw in a bin.

The British Bake Off episode resulted in 562 complaints to the BBC and outrage across the whole of the UK.

“Forget about Russia invading Ukraine, I was glued to my telly at the bin gate fiasco,” John Armitage, 45, from Little Chepstow told the BBC.

All across Britain, there was not even a mention of World War III starting, it was all talk about the British Bake Off.

EU Ban on Powerful Vacuum Cleaners Impacting on Perverts

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EU Ban on Powerful Vacuum Cleaners Impacting on Perverts

Full scale riots and protests have erupted in some department stores over the new EU ban on powerful vacuum cleaners, the BBC reports.

A man who wished to remain anonymous but was filmed rioting in a BHS store in Leicester said: “We need these powerful vacuum cleaners. What business is it of the EU’s to restrict our enjoyment. The vacuum cleaners available now are just not up to the job.”

NHS staff were however said to be relieved by the new EU restrictions on vacuum cleaners.

“We get them in here regularly with vacuum cleaners stuck to their privates. It’s using up valuable NHS time and money trying to get these machines off their bodies,” one doctor revealed yesterday.

Meanwhile in Westminster, politicians were strangely quiet about the whole sordid affair.

Farewell Tax Disc Hello Big Brother

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Farewell Tax Disc Hello Big Brother

 

Consider this fact that all it will take for the criminals to get around the new licence plate recognition cameras filming you every day is to find a car with the same colour, make, model as their car, and clone the number plate. Criminals have been doing it for years with penalty points and getting away with it quite successfully.

If you’re an Eastern European over here (70% of the population of Britain) simply drive a vehicle registered in some back alley in some former Soviet bloc shite hole. Anyone from the EU who lives and works in Britain is not bound by the same laws as the rest of us prisoners. Anyone who has a vehicle registered in the EU has carte Blanche to do as they please on Britain’s roads, speeding, parking wherever they want and not paying road tax.

Every journey you do from now on will be meticulously tracked by the plate recognition cameras, and this is obviously a little test for the future where British citizens will have to pay to drive by the mile.

Thanks to the EU, Britain’s tiny narrow roads are now so overcrowded with traffic from the rest of Europe that on a good day if you get to your destination in less than four hours even though it’s three miles away is a good day.

Out of all the taxes, road tax is pretty useless any way, once paid by the over burdened taxpayer, it is meant to be used on the roads to fix the pot holes and maybe maintain them a little. Instead, the money from your road tax is diverted to other governmental departments, you know like the surveillance department or Whitehall Christmas party planning budget. Who the fuck knows?

Nevermind, soon the roads will be filled with driverless cars with the rest of the rabble, so pay your road tax like a good chappie and keep biting your lip with your mouth firmly shut and your foot pressed hard on the accelerator peddle as you steam through another checkpoint.

New Celebrity Excrement Bucket Challenge Announced

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New Celebrity Excrement Bucket Challenge Announced

The Ice Bucket Challenge has had serious coverage but now there’s a new challenge for true celebrities.

“Sometimes I don’t get enough coverage, I call in the paps when I go shopping at Whole Foods or to grab a coffee. It’s all part of the game of me, me, me. This ice bucket challenge was great though, I don’t even know why celebs were doing it but I got the call Monday to do it and called in my personal photographer, Larry,” some celebrity said on another celebrity news site.

But hold on for one second, here’s a new challenge for the real die hard celebrities. You want to go that extra mile for more attention this challenge will really separate the wheat from the chaff, or should we say chunks from the diarrhoea.

The Excrement Challenge is being rolled out all over the internet with celebs queuing to be nominated.

“I heard it’s for the Daily Squib newspaper, the Excrement Challenge is no pansy ice bucket challenge for wimps, this challenge is the real deal that will confirm my celebrity status forever and it’s for the Daily Squib charity, they need to be able to buy tea and biscuits in their office once in awhile,” a celebrity model who once appeared on Big Brother 23 told celebrity site Z17.

Nominations are cancelled for this challenge, all wonderfully useful celebrities are welcome, the more obscure you are the better because you will get more exposure. If you are top of the tabloid newsworthy table at the moment, you can increase your exposure even further and get more adulation that you crave so much. If you have the desire to be photographed every five minutes of your life, this will give you six minutes of total exposure on a constant cyclical basis.

Instructions

1) Get as many people that you know to crap in a bucket. Tramps, gardeners, PR people, agents, anyone

2) Top up with water or urine, add a little ice if you wish to make an extra statement

3) Make sure you contact all the photographers and paparazzi beforehand to announce the challenge

4) Pour that shit over your head and smile

5) Enjoy the extra attention you get, congratulate yourself, you deserve to be above the rest

6) Read the papers, watch the news, it’s all about you, you, you. Remember contributing to charity anonymously is for losers

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