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Ghost of Our Past: “Why Should Britain Have to Ask For Anything?”

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“Please, we would like to ask permission to adjust our own laws in our own country. Can we ask you to please give us permission to do so? We would also like to ask permission to maybe control our supposedly sovereign borders, if that’s okay with you?” the grovelling MP said before slinking into a corner cowering like a beaten mongrel.

And then, something rose up above the desk, it was a ghost from Britain’s glorious Empirical past. The commanding voice boomed out across the BBC studio shattering one of the monitors with its sheer power.

“You do not have to ask permission from anyone to do anything in your own bloody country. Do not ask permission again. Do you bloody well hear me?”

As of yet, no one from the BBC or anywhere else has been able to explain the ghostly intervention.

Think Tank: The Core of Britain is Race Concentric

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Anyone who claims that Britain’s core is not racially concentrated is deluded says a new think tank paper.

“Quite simply put, there is a very good reason why there has never been a person of dark skin tone as Prime Minister of Britain, because the core institutions within this nation follow a rigid racial lineage. The same applies to British entertainment, advertising and commerce.

“The emergence of political parties like Ukip simply mirror what the core English population believes. The socialist left may pretend to not be racial however, one only has to look at their former leaders and you will not see a dark face in sight. The Conservatives, may have a few tokens here or there as MPs, however their roots lie not only amongst class lines but racial lines. The armed forces and Intelligence services are all geared to preserving the core racial lineage and there has never been a dark person in charge, as is the case in the police services.

“As for London, which is now a multi-racial cooking pot, possibly going into a boil, if one looks at history, one will see that London has always been a magnet for the whole world to congregate, but tensions are rising daily as the English feel disenfranchised in their own capital city and White Flight occurs. Queen Elizabeth I even had a few words to say about the influx in 1596, her majesty issued an “open letter” to the Lord Mayor of London, announcing that “there are of late divers black-moores brought into this realme, of which kinde of people there are allready here to manie,” and ordering that they be deported from the country. One week later, she reiterated her “good pleasure to have those kinde of people sent out of the lande” Finally, in 1601, she complained again about the “great numbers of Negars and Blackamoors which (as she is informed) are crept into this realm,” defamed them as “infidels, having no understanding of Christ or his Gospel,” and, one last time, authorized their deportation. It is true to say therefore that London has always been a contentious part of the country for the English.

“The influx of white Eastern Europeans into the country will be congratulated by many Britons in the future, as not only are most of them white, but they are Christian and deeply racist. This is a vast difference to previous influxes of former Commonwealth populations, and of course Third World nations, who are mostly viewed as untermenschen by the core English populations.

“To have someone like Sajid Javid claim that he has passed the Tebbit test is in itself ridiculous. First of all, he may presume to be integrated and tick all the boxes, but the core English population will never see him as one of them simply because of his skin colour and his name.

“The United Kingdom is ‘ruled’ by the British Royal family, whose bloodline is linked directly to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and House of Hanover. The point being made here is that the British royal family is Germanic and of course even though they are imports, they are still racially pure and white. Therefore, the core of Britain is racially Aryan. To have a kingdom, otherwise would be deemed as madness for the British. You cannot ever be English if you are non white, that is the core of England.”

Ed Miliband Right Man For the Job Say Tories

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Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and this is why Ed Miliband is the gift that should be accepted by the Tories with open arms.

“It’s too late for Labour to change tact with their leadership, so Red Ed, we want you to be the Labour leader even after the coming General Election, how about the next forty years?” a Tory MP said gleefully rubbing his hands together.

Can the electoral-system save Labour from Ed Miliband, well, even the in-built advantage may crumble with this gift horse at the helm.

How Turkish Politicians Treat Their Voters

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“Well, it’s no secret that we would so, so much want to do the same in Britain, but it would sort of go against all the laws we have here in this country. Maybe we could rustle up a few changes to the law in the next parliament session,” an admiring Conservative MP for Bridleswaide, Arthur Cone, told the BBC.

The photograph of a Turkish politician kicking a downed flailing voter was shown in parliament yesterday, and the sounds of admiration emanating from the British MPs confirmed to news crews that such behaviour is truly desired and respected.

Well, come the next election, quite a lot of MPs will themselves get a good kicking, in the UK and most probably in dictatorial Turkey.

Think Tank: ‘Don’t Blame Snowden Blame Yourselves’

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“First of all, there is no one else to blame but the agencies who are collecting data from citizens irrespective of their status. Secondly, these agencies were to blame for allowing the leak to take place in the first instance. Don’t you vet your operatives? Aren’t there controls in place for your secretive work? Therefore, we come to the conclusion that the necessary precautions by the intelligence agencies were not adhered to in the proper manner, and the blame firmly falls on them,” some senior researcher revealed in a recent report.

“The blame should not be on Snowden’s shoulders for revealing that every citizen is tracked, their data logged and their private conversations recorded. If one is to analyse the current global situation, one would see that Snowden’s deed actually sped up whatever plan is in place. This makes us come to an alternative conclusion, maybe Snowden was part of the plan all along. Remember that war is a wonderful opportunity to exact plans quickly, plans that may have taken decades to come into fruition. The Hegelian Dialectic at work, wherein the chaos is engineered and out of that, a solution is unveiled. We shall have to see what is in store, but presumably it will involve an economic depression so deep that civil unrest will ensue, and people will beg with open arms for salvation from their misery — cue the solution.”

Are You Eating Halal Eggs?

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Halal eggs are used in pretty much everything from your mayo to the chocolate cake you stuffed into your salivating mouth yesterday.

“I had an omelette this morning and then whilst on the train proceeded to read my copy of the Daily Mail. To say I was horrified at what I read would be an understatement. I realised that my omelette was made from halal eggs. I immediately stuck two fingers down my throat and vomited over the person next to me on the morning commute from Oxford,” Reggie Sanders, 56, a company director, told the Evening Standard.

Halal eggs are created by chickens who lay eggs in the Islamic fashion. They are first blessed by an Imam, then they are told to submit to God whilst laying their eggs. Factory farms across the UK all have resident Islamic priests who recite the Koran to chickens before they lay their eggs. The chickens also have to face Mecca and if they refuse are sent to be slaughtered, in the halal way of course.

This begs the question, what about Easter Eggs? Well, you think they’re Christian eggs, but they’re actually halal eggs squirted ritually from the bottoms of hens and painted like Easter eggs.

Nigel Farage of Ukip has vowed to  ensure all eggs in the UK are Ukip eggs when he wins the next election, seeing as he was unceremoniously yoked by a deadly halal egg on a recent walkabout.

David Miliband Comes Back to Cheer Brother to Election Victory

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David Miliband flew in from New York this morning, and was greeted at Heathrow by his brother, Ed.

“They hugged each other even though there was a rather unsightly knife still sticking out of Dave’s back. I don’t know how he managed to sit in economy with that thing lodged firmly between his shoulder blades. He looked slightly drained, mind you,” an airport worker told the BBC.

David, will be staying in Ed’s spare room for his two week holiday, where he will assist in the big Labour campaign.

Speaking to reporters Ed Miliband was happy that his brother had put any animosity behind him and chose to support him to election victory.

“I am glad my brother has come back from exile for a few weeks. The knife is still firmly lodged in his back, but I told him it was all for the good of the party. This is how I will run the country when I become prime minister. You will listen to my whiny nasal voice from loudspeakers everywhere, and I will remind you what a ruthless git I am on a daily basis by bringing out a new law every thirty seconds inhibiting your freedoms further. Now good day, and fuck off. I’m taking my brother to a Labour meeting where I can parade him and his stabbed back around to the party elders and show ’em my handiwork.”

Experts: Countdown to Economic QE Armageddon

 

Writing in the Business Illuminus paper published quarterly, maybe it’s time to get suited and booted before the whole shit house goes up in flames.

“Eighty-five billion – at best an unorthodox number to start a countdown, but perhaps the disruption of the time-honoured 10, 9, 8… was well overdue. Whatever the case, next month the US Federal Reserve is already expected to announce number thirty-five billion. In response to post-recession economic stagnation, each month of last year the Fed pumped $85 billion into the US economy via its quantitative easing (QE) program. In December the Fed cut its monthly asset purchases to $75 billion, and has been gradually tapering ever since. In fact by the end of the year we should get to zero – how very exciting – and then what? Well you don’t have to be prescient to know that there are only two possible outcomes:

Outcome I – Over the summer, bankers decide to celebrate with some good old-fashioned frivolous lending, and why not? They are backed by a few trillion Dollars in QE generated reserves at the Fed. They remember the euphoria of lending, the unabated energy and the incredible confidence that it inspires. Banks go on a lending binge leveraging their Fed reserves. Suddenly there is so much money in the system that the Dollar is worthless. Hyperinflation sweeps through the nation, and the Dollar to Euro exchange rate settles at 4.2 trillion to one. Civil unrest forces a radical regime change, which spawns a global conflict, and finally results in World War III. Only the drones survive WWIII.

Outcome II – The end of the year comes too soon taking liquidity with it. The Fed underestimates the weakness of the labour market, and overestimates economic growth. We hit zero, and dejectedly wave goodbye to QE. Money dries up, including welfare resources that are long gone. The lack of consumer spending causes businesses to slash wages of the fortunate few, and lay off the rest. Unemployment skyrockets to 27%, and the US becomes a nation of nomads traversing the country on rumours of jobs. The sanitation system breaks down precipitating the pervasive spread of a new disease. Those infected mutate into zombies with an insatiable hunger. Movie stars remain just that, no vaccine is discovered, and we finally have a zombie apocalypse.

“We can be so sure of one of these occurring because someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.  The great recession brought us much debate about economic policy – i.e, government intervention versus letting the free market take care of itself. So now the only redeeming factor about the end of the world is that we will finally know who was right. For a brief moment in time either the free market champions or the interventionists will enjoy incontrovertible validation. As the drone flies by the window free marketers can happily go into the light knowing the government helped too much. Alternatively interventionists can alleviate the pain of a zombie bite with the knowledge that the government didn’t help enough. Not a bad consolation prize.

“Speaking hypothetically now if by some chance the world does not end, the only thing we can be certain about is that each party will interpret any economic stability as a justification for its economic philosophy. Post QE the free market folks will aver that we would be in a much better position had the markets decided our fate, and the interventionists will boldly claim that with a bit more help we would be flying.

“With rumours of Chinese property bubbles, and the unrest in Ukraine as Russia eyes incursions further into Europe, the augurs do not bode well for a world economy addicted to fake money and consumers still drunk on credit. Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse in a zombie global economy?

“If you have any money left now — start spending.”

Inconsequential Celebrity is Having Another Baby

Celebrity sites were awash today with news that another irrelevant celebrity is having a baby.

“This is very important news. You have to see the pictures to believe them,” some moron from TMZ said.

In other news, the world is still going round and round.

Check: Russia China Gas Deal Game Changer Seals West’s Fate

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Obama’s little plan to freeze Russia out of the oil market by flooding it with cheap oil may have just backfired. Russia’s response was to simply bypass the West completely with a lucrative China gas deal.

“This winter, in what remains of the Ukraine, you better be dug in real good with a fire constantly on the go, because there won’t be any gas from Russia coming any time soon,” a Russian oil and gas contractor told RT news today.

What about Britain and the rest of Europe? Well, let’s say if you think your gas bill is high now, prepare for next winter when prices rise by 6,000%. Soon we’ll be burning wood from our bannisters to keep warm. Hope you don’t forget the imminent interest rate rises to spice things up even further.

Who’s to thank for this debacle? Well, if the US and EU hadn’t caused a coup d’état in Kiev for their own expansionist reasons, we wouldn’t be on the brink of war right now.