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New Startup ‘Morsecoder’ Takes Internet by Storm

Lazslo Chum
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New Startup ‘Morsecoder’ Takes Internet by Storm

Al Blahnik, 21, has come up with a social media startup that really has people buzzing.

“I had the idea while I was watching an old World War 2 movie. They were using Morse code to communicate. Well, slap me with a twitter twat, the light bulb in my head shattered all over my subcortical network,” Blahnik revealed from his Manhattan condo.

The concept is so very simple. Users need to get a Morse code machine, then connect it up via a wire to a radio, and that’s it. No NSA, no internet or anything.

Oh, and only one last thing, you need to learn the Morse code alphabet before you begin. Morsecoder is also a great way to meet new friends and have a really social time. Every day, the top Morsecoder communications are Morse coded to a central office in New York, where a daily Morse bulletin is repeated and relayed to specific stations across the globe.

morse-code

Blahnik’s company is already worth $23 billion and when they introduce morsevertising next year, they are set to compete with the big boys like Farcebook and Twitter. Social networking dominator, Mark Zuckerberg, has made some offers to buy the company up thus destroying any direct competition but was denied.

Happy Morsing kids.

Cameron: “The Economy is Doing So Great We Have to Raid Your Bank Account”

Lazslo Chum
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0
Cameron: “The Economy is Doing So Great We Have to Raid Your Bank Account”

David Cameron this week revealed the great news that the UK’s economy is doing so well that the government needs to go into peoples’ bank accounts and raid them.

“Yes, the economy is shooting upwards every day. Our deficit is still £1.3 Trillion and rising daily with vast benefits, NHS bills. We hope you don’t mind that we have to go into your bank accounts and take out whatever money is left there after you’ve already paid the massive tax bills in this country,” Cameron was quoted as saying in the New Telegraph newspaper.

Taxation in Britain is amongst the highest in the world, that is unless you are a multi-billionaire or corporation who can do special deals with HMRC. With fuel tax at 85% of the price of petrol, fuel duty in the UK is an enormous revenue spinner for the government, and yet it feels the need to introduce draconian laws allowing raids on private bank accounts. Where is all the money going, you may ask?

Orville Melchard, 53, a businessman from East Sussex said: “They keep talking about entrepreneurs, however it is nigh on impossible to start a business in the UK with the inhibitive taxation system that punishes innovation. Success in Britain, is something that one can only achieve by hiding your money under a mattress.”

There is some good news though, Take That, the insipid banal boy band are now being lumped with a £30 million tax bill for utilising tax avoidance schemes. This news alone, is worth its weight in gold, so there is always a silver lining to any mucky cloud.

Eurovision Contest Results Confirm to Putin Why Europe Must be Crushed

Lazslo Chum
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0
Eurovision Contest Results Confirm to Putin Why Europe Must be Crushed

Vladimir Putin, was watching the results of the Eurovision Song Contest last night and what he saw confirmed his plans to once and for all overrun Europe with even more incursions.

“I saw some beautiful Russian young ladies last night singing songs that were beaten by a pseudo-Bond themed bearded freak composite. This confirms to me that the EU’s homosexual agenda of total ritualistic New World amalgamation is well in place, and it goes against the biological human race as a whole. If this is allowed to continue, we are all doomed. Therefore, to prevent any further bleed and damage I have prepared a multi-tiered incursion into Belarus, Estonia, Latvia, Finland, Sweden, Lithuania, Moldova, and we will take all of Ukraine of course. We will be on Norway and Germany’s doorstep in no time, as the minor countries are nothing but a distraction. My two Russian beauties, how could the EU troglodytes boo against such beauties, their song full of love, and what man could refuse the beckoning call as they kneel before you with their pert open mouths singing sweet lullabies?”

Russian Troops

The Eurovision Song Contest was another egg on Vladimir Putin’s face but he will have the last laugh, prepare for war.

Someone was overheard saying in the background, “Hang on Vlad it’s only a stupid euro song comp” before a gunshot sounded.

Men Gladly Die Earlier From Nagging Wives

Lazslo Chum
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1
Men Gladly Die Earlier From Nagging Wives

After a recently published study, the ‘incredible’ findings revealed that some men are literally nagged to death by women, a new poll has also revealed that many men welcome early death, because it’s better to be six feet under and not hear the awful mewling sounds emanating from some bellicose harridan.

“Getting married for some men is in itself similar to death, you work your arse off, do the DIY, do the driving to and fro, pay the bills, pay for the shopping, throw the spiders out the window, take the rubbish out, deal with the car, and put up with your wife’s friends and still get nagged to death. Being a man in a marriage is a never ending struggle which requires composing one’s self through a tornado of obsessive unnecessary demands. Death is the only release from the constant nagging, and an early death is a welcome rest from the squawking tirades of abuse and injustice,” a man on his deathbed said smiling.

No wonder many women live way longer than men, they kill them off slowly day by day until they have no one else to nag at but themselves.

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it”

Homeless Michelle Obama’s Plea For Help

Lazslo Chum
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3
Homeless Michelle Obama’s Plea For Help

Former FLOTUS, Michelle Obama has been photographed for the first time in months after being made homeless in January.

She now lives in a sewer in Washington D.C. and has made an appeal to the nation through social media.

“After Barack was impeached, they kicked us out of the White House. He used up all the money in the country, so none was left. Barack became an angry drunk meth head and now walks the streets of Miami, as for me, I took my last multi-million taxpayer funded vacation then went to live in the sewers with all the rest of them. They treat me right here, sometimes I venture up, but I ain’t seen the sunlight for weeks. Scuse me, I gotta take a sniff,” Michelle then picks up a brown paper bag, and inhales sharply, she then vomits into a rusting tin can.

Reporters from MSNBC gave Mrs Obama a few pieces of cornbread, which she ate with gusto. How things have changed since the good old days.

Katie Price to Marry Skull Cracker

Lazslo Chum
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1
Katie Price to Marry Skull Cracker

 

The model, who thankfully cannot speak because the botox around her face has solidified, will announce her new marriage in a new tell-all book, one of many written by a team of chav-lit ghost writers.

Ms Price was seen entering Helmsford open jail last night to meet her latest husband but unfortunately emerged after only fifteen minutes with a black eye, fat lip and bruised silicon balloons.

“He’s the only man in Britain left that will ‘ave ‘er. She’s already ‘ad every chav from ‘ere to Scotland. She’s gettin’ on a bit, spittin’ out sprogs left right and centre from different chumps, yesterday she spit another one out on the kitchen floor. She said she didn’t even notice it, I had to clean up the mess, nah we got another one to look after, she’s never around anyway, too busy gettin’ stuffed,” Katie Price’s housekeeper told Ok magazine.

Meanwhile in Harley Street, police are searching for Dr. Alan Kutz, Price’s gynaecologist, who has since disappeared. He was last seen at a 2pm appointment with Ms. Price and no one knows his whereabouts.

Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

Lazslo Chum
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0
Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

 

“If you eat Halal meat you are adhering to the Muslim religious laws, therefore be a good Muslim now, do eat up your food, that’s a good chap,” Abdul Al-Haq, a Pakistani Muslim from Britain’s Good Cuisine Guide revealed today.

In fact it’s hard to find any meat in the UK now that is not Halal.

Hamza Khaleeq Elsingham, the UK’s Minister of Food, reveals that eating Islamic food is good for you: “You will feel closer to Allah every day. Don’t forget to eat up your greens also, of course you can still have your mushy peas and gravy.”

Some English citizens are however having second thoughts about the Halal meat, Beresford Smith, an accountant from Cricklewood, who is a devout Christian, told the Daily Mail: “I ate my cottage pie last night for dinner. In the morning, I noticed a large bushy beard had grown on my chin. I then had this irresistible urge to kneel on my carpet and pray to Allah. By 11am I was at Tesco’s looking for four more wives, my current wife Deirdre was not too happy about it, she’s a vegan.”

Underwater Banksy Painting Discovered Near Atlantis

Lazslo Chum
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0
Underwater Banksy Painting Discovered Near Atlantis

 

“I didn’t come here to see Atlantis, which some may consider the greatest of ancient civilisations to have existed, and most advanced to boot. It’s piffle, if you ask me, just a few columns, and the abandoned submarines are nothing to look at now. Just look at this Banksy, I’m going to take a photo, then maybe me and my mates might cut the chunk of rock out and display it in Shoreditch for a fiver a look,” Gerald Hibble, one of the divers on the scene told the BBC.

No one knows how Banksy sprayed on the mural depicting a rather unsavoury depiction of an ancient Atlantian receiving fellatio from a mermaid, but the deed has been done, so there is no point in speculating on the technical side of things.

“I’ve seen Banksy, he has a particularly large head, which he tries to hide with an over sized hoodie. This makes me believe that Banksy, could be an Atlantian hybrid of some sort. It is known that the inhabitants of Atlantis had very large skulls, bigger than standard humans. Their oversized skulls housed large brains, they were innovators of all technology and science, and had very advanced psychic skills. After the tragic loss of their civilisation, they successfully melted into the general human herd, and are now our leaders. Not ‘leaders’ that are visible to humans now, but many levels above that,” professor Jeremy Smartson, from Oxford University revealed to the BBC.

Banksy’s Atlantis will be shown on BBC 8 tomorrow in a special two part series.

Putin: “I Should Have Moved My Money Out First”

Lazslo Chum
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3
Putin: “I Should Have Moved My Money Out First”

 

“I’m only ordering a temporary move away from the border, because the Swiss bankers have gone and told the Yankee swine where my stash is kept. I thought it was hidden well enough but they seem to have located it. Now, there will be a temporary reprieve, but once I get my money to a safe zone, then it will be back to business,” a rather worried Putin told the Duma on Wednesday.

Turning the screw

Things were bound to get a little personal, and Obama’s advisers certainly have done the trick with this one.

Putin can console himself that he has managed to make Obama look like a rank amateur, however next time Vlad, move the money out first.

EU Directive 3459-1564B Now Makes it Compulsary to Watch Eurovision Song Contest

Lazslo Chum
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1
EU Directive 3459-1564B Now Makes it Compulsary to Watch Eurovision Song Contest

“Ve haff just finalised the new directive which will come into place tomorrow. You haff to vatch ze Eurovision Song Contest if you live in ze EU. Ve vill be monitoring all homes in ze Britain (sector 24) especially, and if ve find someone not watching, zey vill get ze necessary punishment.”

It is not clear what punishment will be given for not watching the Eurovision contest or how it will be enforced by the EU, but some fear it could be severe, like being forced to watch every Eurovision song contest from 1956 onwards in one sitting whilst strapped to a chair with your eyelids taped open and massive headphones glued to your ears.

This year’s political voting session will be held in Copenhagen, Denmark. It will be interesting to see how many points Ukraine gives to Russia, and Greece gives to Cyprus. United Kingdom Nul points.

You will watch it and enjoy it.

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