17.7 C
London
Sunday, April 5, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 561

Piers Morgan Off to Syria to Talk Down Brit Jihadis

0

“Forget the celebrity bucket challenge, I’m off to Syria to do something way more worthwhile. I will talk down any Jihadis from Britain or America into renouncing their ill fated Jihad fight. If everything goes well I should be back for Christmas,” an elated Piers Morgan said from his Beverly Hills apartment on Sunday.

The Piers Morgan show will be aired in September broadcast by the CNN network called the ‘Jihad Challenge’.

Millions of American viewers who have had to deal with Morgan’s smarmy self aggrandising irritating twaddle were in a cheery mood yesterday on hearing the news.

“Let’s hope he goes to Jihad land and doesn’t come back, at least in one piece. We’ve had enough of Moron. Please let him go on the Jihad Challenge,” a CNN viewer revealed on a message board.

Global Warming Activists Happy About Iceland Volcano Cooling

2

Global warming activists were said to be in a joyous mood earlier today when reports came through that the Iceland volcano which is erupting will expel billions of tiny pieces of debris acting as shields reflecting the sun’s light away from earth meaning Britain’s winter temperatures could plunge to Arctic levels while summer will be devoid of sunshine.

“This is great news for global warming because instead we’ll get freezing Arctic weather in the UK, and it won’t be nice and warm and toasty,” Jemma Baxenfarqua, a keen global warming activist told the BBC.

Even chief global warmist Al Gore chimed in from his sprawling mansion in America: “Looks like you Brits will get some global cooling or should I say freezing. Don’t worry folks the amount of energy I use every year with my massive carbon emissions will mean I’m living it up while you guys get frozen to ice cubes. Oh did I not mention the Russkies? Well, last I heard they’re cutting off the gas to Europe. Here’s to your global cooling ass wipes.”

Squib staff were said to be emigrating to the Southern Hemisphere to write their articles. It seems Ebola is a better bet than seeing your testicles fall on the floor as icicles.

 

ISIS Display Their Newest Acquisition

0

“We’re doubling our output after we bought one of these babies,” some black clad geezer with a Sarf London accent said in a new twitter video.

According to ISIS tweets, one of the boys was a bit miffed with the standard procedure using an old rusty butter knife mainly because it takes too long and is so messy.

“It was gettin’ a bit taxin’ innit. Me and my bruvs we was lookin’ at a ‘istory book and we saw da Frenchies used to use a thing called a guillotine. I said to me mates, ‘ere slap me on me loaf of bread this is far more efficient innit?” one guy said, sounding suspiciously like Ali G.

No Trial For Ferguson Hero Cop Darren Wilson

1

“The brave policeman, Darren Wilson, is a credit to hard working Americans everywhere, here is a man who went the extra mile to do his job, therefore in the light of his outstanding record there will be no media frenzy trial just to appease the lunatic fringe baying for cop blood,” an official said yesterday.

Well wishers have already raised $234,000 for the officer as he has been caught up in a terrible injustice just for doing his job.

The ill informed looters and rioters of Ferguson were egged on by democrat controlled networks with lies and half truths as well as people like Sharpton, Holder and Obama. For the low IQ uneducated easily controlled pawns participating in the Ferguson looting, they were simply showing the world what they’re made of.

Experts: Why ISIS Beheadings Criminalise All British Muslims

1

 

“The gruesome beheading of an American journalist by ISIS in Iraq by a British Muslim has further put the spotlight on all Muslims living in the UK. This act has solidified the urgency within Britain to crack down on all Islamic people in the UK. The most overtly religious section of this religion will now be pursued by the majority Christian population, as Muslims are already a pariah in the UK, it will only get worse.

“What the Islamic State has in effect done, is create an unbridled level of fear amongst the Western populations, and this will create many opportunities for respective governments to take away more freedoms from the general populace. Fear makes people accept ‘security’ however draconian it is. Fear also is a great opportunity to move towards military operations which would not have been considered before.

“One must also consider the position of ISIS’s creation, without funding and arms in Syria from US agencies in 2013, ISIS would not have been as strong as they are now, however with such organisations it is very hard to trace who is really controlling the show without access to intelligence and US black budgets.

“Porous borders in Europe and America are further enticements for Jihadists to exploit. Already, ISIS members are rumoured to be pouring across the open US borders and even liaising with Mexican cartels. President Obama’s amnesty on illegal immigrants is an open invitation for terrorists from all over the world to enter the United States with ease. The open borders in the UK are not only bringing in Ebola from Africa but returning British Muslims from Syria and Iraq. Add in the mix of staunch Islamists already in the UK and you have a devilish soup of potential religious violence.

“No doubt not all Muslims are jihadists bent on murder, however there may come a time soon when the English start rounding up everyone who is a Muslim and trucking them off to holding camps for processing, much like the Japanese were treated in WW2 America. Such is the mistrust within the indigenous population now that anyone who remotely looks like a Muslim is immediately treated with disdain and disgust.

“It is wholly apparent now that Islam is not compatible with the majority Christians in the West, as many have known this fact for centuries. Religion is a terrible divider of humans, and until this form of control is completely eradicated there will never be peace on earth.

“It is therefore advisable that those who wear Islamic garments in the West do so at their own peril. What are you advertising? It serves no purpose and you are merely putting your lives in danger. If a Muslim cannot stop advertising their all encompassing belief system, maybe it is better to go back to an Islamic nation where they will be accepted as opposed to being ostracised and persecuted.

“The actions of ISIS have thus endangered the lives of even moderate Muslims as all Islamic elements are now seen as a major threat to the Western way of life.”

‘Let’s Be Cops’ in Ferguson Missouri

0

Being a cop is a hard job, it’s all about dealing with angry civvies bent on giving you a beat down or taking your badge away with some mobile phone footage that snares you trying to do your job.

“It ain’t easy, especially when you got civil rights protesters armed with cell phones looking for the slightest infraction to whine about on the internet. You try arresting a six foot seven 240 pound drugged up shop lifter guy running towards you with the intent of pushing your eyeballs through the back of your head. If you shoot you’re damned, if you don’t shoot you’re hospitalised with permanent damage,” a cop said from his hospital bed in Ferguson, Missouri.

“Let’s Be Cops”

Being a cop is all that much harder when you’re a white cop in a predominantly African American area because if you shoot someone attacking you, there is an immediate response citing racism. If an African American cop shoots another African American that’s okay. You must of course forget the fact that 85% of inmates in U.S. jails are African Americans, or that the recent spate of ‘Knockout game’ participants are low IQ coward thugs sucker punching innocent citizens in the streets.

As for the U.S. media, you must also forget that the bias is in the favour of a certain section of the population mainly due to orders from Obama and his angry chip-on-the-shoulder cohort Eric Holder. All U.S. media reports on daily crimes in the thousands never report the race of the violent perpetrators of the various crimes for a very good reason, it would reveal some rather torrid truths that would not be favourable for the African Americans and socialist American media outlets.

Why would you want to be a cop in America when it has so many drawbacks?

A Fox movie executive summed it up in one paragraph: “It’s exciting being a cop. Hell, we made a teen movie about it and the premier showing is gonna be in Ferguson, Missouri. They need another movie about some idiot cop wannabees, so this is the time to release the movie. We’re using the tried and tested black and white cop plot to get around any charges of racism. I can’t wait to be at the premier myself, I’ll be in the armoured car wearing a bullet proof vest.”

Click here to join the St. Louis Police Academy

6 Ways to Get Around the Massive Rail Fare Rise

0

Thanks to rail fares across Britain rising again by a massive percentage, here are six ways to get around the problem, especially if you are a season ticket holder.

Rip Off Britain

1) Quit your job. It’s not worth paying 75% of your annual salary getting to work and back. Instead, impregnate your wife or girlfriend once a year for the next ten years and you will get a guaranteed £4000 per month from the government in state benefits.

2) Get a high end copier and make exact replicas of your season ticket. Of course this is illegal so please do not do it.

3) Buy a car with the money for your season ticket, preferably with low petrol consumption. Where you will park it is another battle you will have to deal with as getting to work will be a traffic nightmare every day. If you work in London, you can park your vehicle outside the congestion zone and tube it.

4) Dodge the fare every day. If an inspector comes around jump off the train or lock yourself in the bogs citing chronic diarrhoea.

5) Become a train driver. This way you can get to work for free, and enjoy the perks of the job like sitting back in your chair and surfing the net on your ipad once the journey starts.

6) Get a job as a BBC executive or government minister. You will never have to commute on a train or pay for your travel ever again. It will be taxpayer funded taxis and chauffeur driven executive cars for you from now on.

Cameron Election Latest: We’re Not Going to War

0

The 2015 General Election is almost upon us and it would be foolish to go to war now because that would mean Cameron would most probably be re-elected as prime minister.

“It doesn’t bear thinking about, you know going to war in the Middle East again and the country opting to re-elect me as it’s not the done thing to change leaders during a military campaign. I promise that I won’t send British troops to Iraq again for a cynical election victory,” David Cameron, assured voters today at an impromptu press conference.

An Englishman’s Home No Longer His Castle Says UK Law

0

 

“Citizens who protect their families and homes when attacked by violent thugs who carry firearms and assorted weapons are prosecuted in Britain. If you defend yourself you can go to prison according to UK law, therefore it is advised to let your loved ones be injured or killed than to defend them, the current law stipulates.

“When heavily armed criminals enter your property and mean to do you or your family harm, you therefore have no recourse, apart from lying down and letting them get on with it. Criminals can get firearms for as little as £50 from the black market or local pub, but if a citizen owns a firearm to defend themselves, they’re looking at a minimum of five years in jail. If they use a weapon to defend themselves whilst under attack they would get a minimum of 10 years in jail depending on the damage meted out on the protected criminals.

“Britain has fallen prey to a legal policy that protects the rights of criminals and thugs more than the civilians who are daily under attack from gangs armed to the hilt. The effete British male is now no more than an ornament, or a mankini wearing moobed extra on the TOWIE set.”

The report went on to urge the government to allow citizens to own firearms and be free from prosecution when defending their loved ones or property from attack.

5 Different Ways Julian Assange Can Leave Ecuadorian Embassy

0

 

 

Here are five novel ways Julian Assange can exit the Ecuador embassy in London, which is heavily guarded by British policemen.

1) At midnight Julian goes to the roof of the embassy where he enters a rocket. This high powered jet rocket propels him over the stratosphere and is an exact replica of an Intercontinental ballistic missile except for minor modifications and a human compartment. Once over the Ecuadorian jungle a parachute is deployed bringing Assange back to earth with a soft landing. A homing beacon will alert a rescue team which will arrive quickly before Assange is eaten by wild jungle animals.

2) In the last two years of incarceration Julian Assange may have been tunnelling under the embassy. If the Palestinians can do it in Gaza why not Assange? He has cutlery, maybe a spoon, and he could have been disposing of the soil by some ingenious plan like putting it in his pudding after meals or dropping it out the window onto a policeman’s head.

3) On the hour of his exit from the embassy, 10,000 exact replicas of Julian Assange turn up in the street. What are the cops going to do, arrest every single one of them?

4) Julian Assange gets a sex change on the NHS and becomes Julia Assange, therefore he/she is not liable for any trumped up charges as she is a different person to Julian Assange. This one could be painful for the poor fellow, especially if the meat and two veg have to go.

5) Julian Assange invents a teleport machine where his particles are transported to a remote location far away from the Ecuador embassy in London.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH