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Kim Kardashian Joins Hottentot Tribe in South Africa

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The tribe, who were named Hottentots by the white settlers, were first discovered by Peron and Lesser in 1804, who uncovered the joys of big ass women. Especially celebrated with the image of the Hottentot Venus. (Image censored by order of Google)

“Some of these women have fantastic hypertrophy buttocks 2m in diameter. This is an incredible place, can you imagine if some women adopted this type of buttock embellishment in civilisation? I just can’t stop looking at them, I, I ….” the diary of one of the explorers then trails off into incoherent gibberish.

The Kardashian entourage will congregate at the Mkposu river in late July where Kim Kardashian’s ass will be weighed, measured and painted for a special inauguration ceremony lasting four days. When she is accepted in the tribe, she will be given two huts, one for each buttock, and a ceremonial peacock feather will be placed in her ass crack.

“Kim will then have to walk around the village four times in total holding the peacock feather in between her butt crack, if it falls at any time or droops, this is a bad omen for the tribe and a great taboo. She has to be very careful to walk steadily, and must not drag her vast buttocks on the ground at any time. During this period, gangs of male warriors will dance around her buttocks gesturing for them to grow even more. Her husband will be forced to stay in his own mud hut and watch the ancient ceremony taking place. Only afterwards, will he be allowed to join her,” Khoikhoi tribeswoman, Gousu Gousu told the National Geographic.

The censored image (above) used to depict a harmless 19th Century illustrative non-sexually gratifying scientific anthropological study of a Hottentot Khoikhoi tribal woman until it was censored by order of Google.

The illustration was exhibited at the City of Westminster Archive Center, London/Bridgeman Art Library in 2007

Forex Banker Rigged Own Pay Packet

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“He not only rigged the Forex markets but rigged his own bonus package and pay. We rewarded this trader with an even larger bonus because he showed serious initiative. Regulators were told to shut the fuck up and paid off,” Miles Andrew, head of foreign exchange trading at AMRO bank told newspapers.

There have been calls for bankers to have their bonuses regulated, but these were rigged as well, and regulators were simply given a big pay off to keep the matter quiet.

“Free money, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I make more in five minutes than you make in a whole year. Now piss off you insignificant barnacle,” a trader on the floor said when questioned about the practice of rigging the markets.

David Miliband Seen at Heathrow

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Ed Miliband’s long lost brother, David, was seen at Heathrow airport today.

“I just thought I’d fly back to Blighty for awhile, nothing special, exile in America is rather cumbersome, and to tell you the truth boring. I’m certainly not back because the knives are out for Ed, I’ve got a few knives still stuck in my back but that’s another story,” David Miliband told a waiting reporter on Thursday.

Naturally, Dave’s brother, Ed, was nowhere to be seen at the arrivals terminal

Healthcare: Why Silencing Ebola Spread is Not Dangerous

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The silence on Ebola is deafening, and there may be a danger to this silence some might say, however health care officials think the virus is better out of sight, out of mind.

“The media have been told by agencies to hush any news about Ebola. You may have noticed a deafening silence, although the Ebola is still ravaging Western Africa and flights are still carrying infected people across the globe. It’s now a silent spread with zero reporting. Please do not worry about anything, because if the media does not mention this deadly virus, that means it is gone, vamoose, outta here,” Dr. Bill Edwards, a consultant for the U.S. Department of Infectious Diseases didn’t tell any news outlets yesterday.

Everything’s okay then, Ebola has been eradicated completely. Nothing to see here folks, move away.

Experts: Change is Going to be Slightly Painful For Population

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Whenever politicians cite ‘change’ there is always an ominous side to their proposal, and experts at the Institute of Population Control, an independent non-governmental organisation, have outlined some of the problems that may occur when this ‘change’ is enabled on populations.

“Politicians may use certain words to describe their policy ideas, for example ‘austerity’ means redistribution of wealth from the poor to the rich thus the term really means ‘poverty’. As for the term ‘change’, this has multiple meanings but is close to the word ‘destruction’. For any ‘change’ to occur first one must have destruction of the prior system, and this is where the problems arise for the populations who are only accustomed to the prior system. Another term that is widely used but misinterpreted is ‘climate change’, which is simply a term describing the problem of over-population. If climate change is mentioned, it means quite simply, that populations have extended their usefulness and have to be reduced, of course for the good of the planet.

“Change is thus a term used by politicians as a euphemism for destruction, whenever you hear those words, be prepared because they may smile when they say it, but their words mean a totally different action. The 21st century, has been named as the century of change, and even though we are in the early stages of the century, there will be more to come, on an almost infinite escalating scale. In 2001, the young century certainly started with a bang, with 911, a spectacular symbolic gesture of ‘change’. Current, U.S. president, Barack Obama is also a stout proponent of change, and his destructive powers have been put to full effect over the course of his tenure.

“Technology will move from outside the body and be placed within. Humans will not be able to make transactions without specific technological entities implanted in their bodies. The merging of humans with machines is an inevitable evolutionary step, and those who fight this all important change, will be left behind, they will not be able to feed themselves or find employment. Artificial intelligence will reach increasingly dizzying heights as humans are left behind, and this jump in machine intelligence will also be a key factor in assimilation with man and machine, for to not do so, will mean certain destruction by the machine.

“Naturally, there will be discontent and rioting, however the superior military and technological strength of the state will put ‘change’ into place one way or another. Civil disobedience within movements of change are an inevitable symptom, and the controlling factions positively welcome them, purely because it gives them an opportunity to mete out their pent up violence as well as test out stratagems of population control.”

Virus that ‘Makes Humans More Stupid’ Discovered

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The Reality Television virus, never before observed in healthy people, was found to affect cognitive functions including visual processing and spatial awareness.

Scientists at Rupert Hodgkins Medical School and the University of South Carolina stumbled upon the discovery when they were undertaking an unrelated study on Reality TV.

Surprisingly, the researchers found that watching reality TV shows turns you into a vegetable or alternatively a moronic imbecile with an intelligence level lower than a stone.

Dr Mulrone Yokem, a virologist who led the original study, said: “This is a striking example showing that the ‘innocuous’ reality of the reality TV glut has irreparably adjusted human existence for eternity destroying its capabilities for intelligent thought.

“Watching any shows with the likes of Simon Cowell or any other similar reality program will devolve your brain to the level of an amoeba. You’ll be so fucking stupid afterwards that your brain will literally ooze out of your ears. We named the virus after Simon Cowell himself, who is a very important phenomenon in the reality tv world, it’s called C-NTU”

Of the 90 participants in the study, 40 tested positive for the reality TV virus. Those who tested positive performed worse on tests designed to measure the speed and accuracy of visual processing. They also achieved lower scores in tasks designed to measure attention.

The findings of this research show that mainly stupid people are attracted to reality television, but the funniest part of the research reveals that these stupid people get even more stupid after watching these shows they are so attracted to.

A source from a production company from one of these reality shows revealed: “We want people to be comatose. That’s our plan, the more stupid people get, the better. Keep watching, and do not bother thinking you insignificant toads, get more stupid, do not think, do not awaken, you must spend more money on us, keep watching, you’re lower than the dirt on my shoe.”

The study’s findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Fate of Caliphate Not Known Yet

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“The caliphate monster we created got too big so we had to bomb it. Don’t mess with the empire. We got cameras everywhere, listening devices, satellite cams that can see the sweetcorn up your ass from space, and drones that can release killer missiles from anywhere in the world. You Caliphate pussies wanna mess with that? Thought not,” a CIA operative on the ground told CNN.

No doubt, there are thousands of waiting Caliphs behind the scenes if Al Baghdadi has eaten the big Jihad in the sky.

As the DS mentioned months ago, any form of resistance is always futile when you do not have air superiority. Jihadis are just sitting ducks wherever they go, but they’re still living in the 15th century so how would they know about flying machines?

Blabbing Special Ops Guy Likes to Talk

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“Yeah, I’m a special ops soldier, and I talk about stuff to everyone, including the press. I just can’t stop talking, and talking, and talking. You want to know anything that’s secret, I’ll talk about it in bars, in Walmart, in restaurants, hell I love talking so much I talk to anyone who wants to hear? I hope they ain’t agents from another country or something huh?” U.S. Navy Seal, Bill bin Tawkin, told all news outlets around the world yesterday.

It’s a good thing this Navy Seal is not behind lines in some North Korean bunker being interrogated about state secrets and key operational procedures.

The West: No We’re Not Destroying the Russian Economy, We’re Just Lowering Oil Prices

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One rouble at a time, it falls and falls, causing mayhem in the Russian exchanges. The West is adamant that its policy of lowering the global oil price is nothing to do with Russia.

“Nah, are you kidding? We’re engineering a lower global crude oil price because we want more motorists to have the feel good factor, it’s nothing to do with destroying the Russian economy,” Secretary of State, John Kerry told the Wall Street Journal.

As the tanks roll into Ukraine from Russia, it is the West’s pervasive action of provocation which is slowly bringing the world to the brink of war.

Comrade Miliband: “Nothing Will Get in Way of 5-Year-Plan”

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(Speaking at the Labour Party Head Quarters in London, Comrade Miliband’s appearance in the rostrum was greeted by  party members with loud cheers lasting several minutes. The entire assembled inner party rose to its feet to greet Comrade Miliband. There were continuous cries of “Cheers for great Miliband!” “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for our beloved Miliband!”)

 Comrade Miliband:

Comrades!

I have heard news from my spies there have been some odious malcontents within the party who are not happy with my leadership. I say to them, you are finished. They were removed from their posts this morning and escorted to the farthest point from our head quarters, two roads down, on the left past the McDonalds and WHSmiths. We will not see them again because they were not worthy of my 5-year-plan, they did not have the commitment or the peoples interest at heart. Not like you my fellow Soviet heroes.

Comrades, I say to you, are you ready for the fight? Are you ready to unite the people once again as Comrade Brown so boldly managed in the past? Then let us move forward to smash the capitalist scum and their corrupt system of bourgeois-democratic liberties. Let us beat their heads upon the unstable capitalist system that profits off crisis and catastrophic wars.

I will implement a full British Soviet social system which will be a genuine people’s system, it will grow up from the ranks of the people and enjoy powerful support; so that the British Soviet social system is fully viable and stable form of organization of society.

Our revolution is near Comrades, and I would also like this opportunity to introduce Commissar Brand, who will be in charge of all revolutionary matters on the streets and champagne filled celebrity soirées.

You all already know Commissar Balls, he will be in charge of the Peoples Bank, as well as rations for the proletariat.

My eternal 5-year-plan will never be thwarted, not by traitors, capitalists, lickspittle bourgeois charlatans or my brother in exile.

In conclusion, permit me to express my thanks for the confidence which you have shown me (loud and prolonged applause. A voice: “Cheers for the great leader of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “) by nominating me as a candidate for the Supreme Soviet Britain. You need have no doubt that I will do my best to justify your confidence. (All rise. Loud and prolonged applause rising to an ovation. Voices in different parts of the Labour Head Quarters: “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for the great leader of the peoples!” “Glory to great Miliband!” “Long live Comrade Miliband, the candidate of the entire people!” “Glory to the creator of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “)

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