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Nick Clegg Wants Coalition With Ukip Now

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“We have to back the winning team, and that’s Ukip. I have set up a meeting with Farage tomorrow, just as soon as I get off the toilet bowl,” Lib Dem leader, Clegg told the BBC.

The Lib Dems have seen the writing on the wall, and are now ditching the Conservatives, much as a parasite does to its host once it has sucked it dry.

Such is the fear in Westminster that many MPs from Labour and the Conservatives have been on phone lines to Brussels all night asking what they can do about Ukip.

“The feeling is that Brussels might have to step in and speed up the Euro process. The Tories and Labour are terrified that Ukip could derail plans to enter the euro currency,” Jim Shambel, political commentator for the Bystander politics magazine wrote yesterday.

EU Sure Wishes That Plane Crash Had Done the Job on Farage in 2010

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“The unelected technocrats at the top of the pyramid, are looking with shock that the MEP elections are going towards parties that are interested in fracturing the pseudo fascistic semi soviet EU. Especially for Britain, this Ukip leader Nigel Farage, they are extremely sad that he was not erased from this world when he had that plane crash in 2010. It was an accident, of course, but it did not finish as planned. Now we have to deal with more problems, you know like people wanting to be individuals. No, this is wrong, you should all be the same, and we will not allow anyone to be an individual. Our plans for the future will require a more thorough brainwashing program for the masses where soon they will all be bleating like good sheep, the name of our super state,” an unnamed EU official told the Euronews service.

farage pub

Farage would best be avoiding single propeller aeroplanes or buses, or motorbikes, or cars, or skateboards,  or bicycles, and has vowed to tour Britain for his victory lap on a wheelchair guarded by a crack team of mercenaries.

Will there be a resurgence of free speech in a land of politically correct soviet groupthink? That remains to be seen  as the flags of freedom are waved up above the crowds of collectivists.

Desperate French Resorting to Hiring Out Versailles to Vulgar Celebrities

“We need ze money. Hollande has made merde of our économie. C’est une tragédie, yes we know but if seulement someone could get us out of this trou profond, zis is why we have to rent out the magnifique Palais de Versailles. Toute la day we weep at seeing these parasite minor celebrities and their vulgarity, it is an affront to our sensibilité,” Hortense Chevalier, who looks after the palace’s day to day running told Le Monde.

Plans are also afoot to install a fast food kiosk in Versaille’s magnificent hall of mirrors, as well as a gift shop in every room selling tacky faux gold hip hop medals, condoms, lubricant and medallions.

Sex tape model, Kim Kardashian has already requested the royal sleeping quarters have a functioning film studio, so she can stream live on the internet via pay-per-view her latest sex tape effort as she bids to conceive more paparazzi fodder with pop singer West.

In a ravaged economy, this money making exercise is what France needs, however it comes at a terrible cost — dignity.

Prince Charles Thinking of Sending Harry to Russia to Beat Up Putin

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Prince Charles is thinking of sending Prince Harry on a covert mission in an Apache helicopter to blow that Russkie commie Vlad to vodka purgatory.

“One has come under an extraordinary attack. It’s a good thing for Vlad that he doesn’t drive through Parisian tunnels, ahem. Anyway, I put forward my vodka snorting son Harry to pilot an Apache helicopter to Moscow and blow that Vladdy fool from his throne once and for all. Vlad’s a Nazi you know, and our family has never had anything to do with those sorts of people,” the Prince said whilst raising his spoon, and cracking another egg at breakfast.

Won’t the Nazis ever get along with the Nazis? This charade is like history repeating itself.

Cameron Agrees to EU Referendum

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The announcement was received with cheer across the country, and school children travelled far and wide to Downing Street to leave presents for the PM.

“Well, I’ve listened to the people and they want their voices heard. We do actually have a democracy in this country, and the people wanted a referendum, they shall have it now. The EU is incompatible with Britain, and even though I acted like a traitor and treasonous weasel before, I want the best for our nation. This is why the proposed EU referendum of 2017, which was never going to happen anyway, will in fact be put forward to June 2014. If you’ve planned your summer hols, you’d best cancel them. This one’s important,” Mr Cameron said from 10 Downing Street.

Tory polls went through the roof on the wonderful news, leaving Ukip and Labour behind. The announcement will ensure a guaranteed election win for Cameron.

Street parties will be announced all over Britain next week, and there will be an extended Bank holiday of ten days.

White Dee Takes Jade Goody’s Place

White Dee, she of Benefits Street, has officially taken Jade Goody’s place in the bucket fame stakes.

“There’s always a special place for the Jade Goodies and White Dees inhabiting the shallow faeces ridden UK celebrity circuit. It’s a place of Z list undeserved fame, inhabited by septic banal chavettes who have some quality that the public like in some way. Either way, I stand to make a lot of money from this fat sow,” Dee’s agent, Miles Dabadow, told the Sun.

Expect to see this thing plastered all over the media for a very long time. Blame Channel 4.

New House of Commons Lifeguard Raises Some Eyebrows

MPs at the House of Commons swimming pool were left with an eyeful as new lifeguard, Charlotte Johnson, 35, turned up to save a few right honourable gents from drowning in the pool.

“Funny old thing though, instead of saving the flailing Labour MP for Grantchesterton, this lifeguard seemed to revel in dunking the poor blighter with her massive feet. Then we saw that former London mayor chap, Livingstone in trouble at the deep end. She lovingly threw him a life vest weighed down with bricks,” an anonymous source revealed.

boris leslie lifeguard

Ms Charlotte Johnson, 36-29-38, has been quite a hit at the House of Commons pool and is now set to become an MP, stating she wants to transfer some of her delicate life saving skills to parliament.

Russian Sanctions: “All Americans Could Be Living Like the Amish Soon”

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As Obama foolishly baits the bear with sanctions, confiscations of wealth and other sundries, he’s only causing more damage and chaos to America.

“All Russia has to do is stop all uranium deliveries to America. That’s it, lights out, finished. Russia is the main controller of uranium and rare earth metals, which are crucial to running America’s power stations. Over night, literally the majority of the country would be plunged into darkness, electricity prices would sky rocket. Imagine being in a hospital about to undergo a life saving operation when all the lights go out,. People just don’t realise that what Obama is doing is playing with fire,” Herb Winters, a strategic expert told news outlets, Monday.

Looks like the Amish were right all along. This could be a good thing for Americans, because the Amish are masters of living within their means, unlike the rest of the population.

The other positive side of rolling blackouts is that Obama’s global warming agenda may be finally realised as Americans will not be using as much power any more — if at all.

Unfettered EU Immigration: Finding Some Space in Britain

Britain has a very limited land mass, and its roads, hospitals, schools and welfare system are woefully inadequate when it comes to the vast influx of people from the EU and Third World.

With the massive EU immigration into Britain there will soon be no space, and it will only get worse as time goes by.

The roads and transport systems will not cope with the sheer volume of traffic, and with little money for repair, will crumble.

Not only will there not be any space, but there will not be many jobs left, and hospitals will have to close down because of low resources. Schools will have to have class sizes in excess of 70, and the welfare system will not be able to service millions of people who are unemployed.

This is the nightmare dystopian future that lies ahead for Britain, as the unfettered immigration continues without showing any signs of stopping.

It is not racist to want to stop the torrent of economic migrants from the EU, it is simply a matter of physics.

Space is a serious point to make, because after the last green field is bulldozed and builders construct high rises over the hills and babbling brooks, it will be too late.

In twenty or thirty years time, as the millions of migrants breed and breed, there will not be any wildlife left in the former UK, all of Britain’s treasured fauna and flora will have been destroyed.

You cannot change a thousand years of glorious history in one moment.

If you value your land, you know what to do.

This was not a public service announcement but an emergency appeal and a call to action.

Michael Jackson Now More Popular Dead Than Alive

Record company bosses have come up with an amazing money making ploy that will ensure money in their overflowing coffers, even if their artists die.

“Holographic touring. If the artist dies, we don’t want music sales to waiver and slowly die off. We need to eke out every penny from these performers even when they’re dead. Not only that, we don’t have to deal with all their crap when they were alive, this is the best thing that ever happened to the biz. Michael Jackson did us a real service,” Miles Gardner, an executive of Sony records told Billboard.

Expect to see up coming holographic tours of many other dead artists in the future. The devil sure works in mysterious ways..