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Prophet to Film Himself Getting Eaten Alive by Whale

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The Discovery channel is going to air live on TV a daredevil prophet from Israel, who goes by the name of Jonah, being eaten by a whale.

“Forget the snake, alligator and great white shark, this guy’s gonna get eaten alive by a frickin’ whale,” the man’s agent, God, told the Nineveh Times.

According to Jonah, he plans to stay inside the whale for three days and three nights, then accomplish a spectacular manoeuvre when he will be ejected out head first through the whale’s blow hole.

“I don’t need no special suits or gimmicks. Just me, a Gopro, a few candles and some latkes,” Jonah said from the stormy sea shore somewhere in the Mediterranean.

I Don’t Want to Breathe: Especially in New York City

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Who wants to breathe in NYC anyway? That place stinks like a big urinal.

The dangers of New York city don’t just extend to obese people who have trouble breathing walking a few steps let alone being put in a choke hold by some crazed NYPD cop, but also extend to breathing in the acrid putrid smells of the overcrowded city.

One New Yorker, Billie Batts, 48, a businessman from the Bronx tells all.

“Breathing the toxic air in New York city is like sticking your nose in a full toilet bowl after a tramp just ate a curry, but you’re also getting fumes from crack dens, greasy fast food joints, sewer smells, garbage, rats everywhere, body odour from homeless drug addicts and the smell of used condoms and used needles scattered all over the streets and parks. The city they call the Big Apple is more in tune with the Big Turd. You ever been to the toilets in Grand Central station, now that’s a smell, or how about the traffic fumes in the gridlocked streets which fill your lungs with heavy metals and other carcinogens? We all know New Jersey smells too, it’s like breathing in a bag filled with vomit and diarrhoea laced with the ass hole of a skunk. Don’t forget the subway huh, that place smells so bad you need a gas mask just to take a ride, that is if you’re not mugged or get the crap beaten out of you for no reason at all by some homeless schizophrenic nut on crack cocaine.”

Celebrity Online Apologies Up by 35% Since September

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Online apologies by celebrities and politicians were up by a staggering 35% since September the Office of Internet Statistics has revealed.

“We’re getting more snivelling celebrities and even some former politicians making these grovelling internet apologies after they’ve made a faux pas on some social network site or been recorded by a member of the public on their mobile phone or been caught evading tax. Unfortunately, with the advent of social sites like twitter and facebook, the general public has had to endure some of the inane rantings of celebrities who feel the need to voice their opinion,” Niles Gruberstein, an analyst and chief researcher at the OIS revealed.

PR agency, Benoire Mathers Liorres have given some of their celebrities advice on dealing with certain sections of social media and the more traditional media: “We advise our celebrity clients to get off all social media. If they value their celebrity status, even F rated celebrities have no business on there. It simply confirms to the public that these celebrities are vacuous morons addicted to faux adulation and greed. Just get off. If you need to make an announcement get about thirty people to read it before it is released because many of these celebrities are incapable of the intricacies of dealing with the public. Additionally, do not apologise. I never saw a good politician apologise for anything, and celebrities should follow that lead. Always deny, deny, deny, even if you’re caught red handed. Politicians get away with that technique all the time. That’s what I advise my clients to do.”

Lactategate: Ukip Leader Accosted by Lactating Mother in Supermarket

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The Ukip leader took the event in his stride by dabbing a little of the milk in his mouth and smacking his lips in approval, an eyewitness revealed to the BBC.

“He [Mr. Farage] was bending down to pick up a can of baked beans while a woman was breast feeding her triplets in the aisle, she over squirted and a load of the milk dribbled over the Ukip leader, some even going in his eye and mouth. In fact, there were quite a few squirts of the scrumptious milky milky, but Nigel Farage took it very well, he was extremely polite actually smacking his lips in delight. He probably enjoyed the sugar as well as the eyeful, and I even heard him cooing like a little baby afterwards..aaah,” Mavis Butterworth, from Yorkshire recalled.

Video: Terminator Infinity Trailer Released

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Without wishing to give too much away, as the Daily Squib staff have already been allowed to watch the film, the plot line is so amazing you will be scratching your head with a bread stick.

Sarah Connor goes back in time, then John Connor goes forward in time, then three terminators (one good, one bad, one so so) go medium sideways in time, back and forth, back and forth, then there are lots of flashbacks and flash forwards, sometimes you will get a flash forward within a flash back scene, all in the space of thirty seconds. Sure you get the terminator with the cheap looking CGI graphics that morphs into anything, and you get the same old shots of post nuclear war terrains but here’s the real clincher, it’s another Terminator film for fans who like Terminator films. If you don’t like watching the same movie over and over again, just get the fuck out of the cinema, this film is special because it’s…er..ah..never mind.

Remember that these Terminator time travels are infinite loops and the series will go on infinitely as well, maybe only stopping until some mad scientist from Google finally creates a psychotic AI machine that actually does do the things in the movie.

We gave this film five stars because it’s another action packed Terminator film with pretty much the same script as the other ones but mixed around slightly and given a new name.

Already, the next film ‘Terminator Infinity Times Infinity’ is now in post-production and we can’t wait for that to be released sometime in the future/past/now or maybe never, possibly in June 2023.

10 Tips How to Avoid Getting Killed by American Police if You’re Black

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1) Don’t break the law. Maybe this first point should have been disseminated to 40% of the US prison population who are black, especially when the black population of the United States is only 12%.

2) Get an education. If one is educated, there is more probability that employment will follow.

3) Learn to speak properly and communicate in an effective manner. Knowledgeable people who have either educated themselves or been educated at a higher institution can effectively negotiate situations when they arise. People who are educated do not get themselves into positions of distress and danger because they are not stupid. They prefer to make money utilising their brain power and knowledge.

4) Do not listen to rap music or other forms of music which caricatures black Americans as thugs and gangsters. Rap music was created by white music executives not only to make large amounts of money for themselves off unintelligent illiterate people but as a way of stereotypical caricature, to put simply, rap thug music celebrates and encourages black people who commit crimes and go to jail.

5) Get a broad education in all forms of knowledge from the classics onwards. Learn about history, science and mathematics. The arts should be classical with temperate amounts of contemporary emphasis.

6) Stop calling yourself ‘African American’. This is a politically correct creation that only serves to divide you from the general populace. You are an American. You are not African, you must ditch this part of your description as the term ‘African American’ is in fact a tainted moniker describing someone of low status, low education, an indolent entitlement culture and having an inherently violent thieving disposition.

7) To move forward one must first acknowledge the past, but not dwell on the past. Slavery amongst blacks was not a good thing, however it is not the continued responsibility of other races to constantly hear about something that has been superseded by time, especially since history proves that Africans sold their own kind to the slave ship owners. If one keeps dwelling on the issue of slavery, you are still a slave, and have not yet broken free from your chains.

8) Dress in a manner that suits someone of status. You must therefore ditch the low hanging baggy trousers with one leg rolled up and the medallions, gold teeth etc, etc.

9) Breed responsibly. If you cannot afford anything, there is no need to breed otherwise you are simply a burden to society and create hardship for yourself and your children. If you are educated, and can pass on an education to a child, and have a means of financial support you can breed. The statistics for fatherless blacks in America are atrocious, and this is why President Obama has been embarking on a program of mass abortion amongst the black populations. At least this effort is reducing some of the burden on the country, but a lot of work still has to be done. Responsible breeding only comes with education and knowledge, the ignorant and base of society do not have the ability to make decisions about themselves let alone their children.

10) Do not riot. People who riot over perceived injustices are uneducated, unintelligent and ignorant. Because their meta model of the world is so limited they can only express themselves with violence and anger. Rioting and looting amongst the black population is used as a form of blackmail against the rest of the civilised populace. Furthermore, there are rogue sectors within some governmental departments that welcome rioting by the easily controlled uneducated, unintelligent angry blacks, because this gives them carte blanche to install more prohibitive laws onto everyone else. Injustices can be addressed through discourse, reasoning and through the proper channels. Rioting only serves to extend the stereotype of the blacks in America.

Historian: Russell Brand Wouldn’t Last Five Minutes in the French Revolution

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Prominent Cambridge historian, Professor Arthur Millard, has made some astute comments about the so-called revolutionary, Russell Brand.

“The peasants would have come in the morning to Brand’s apartment, then taken the hypocrite to the Place de la Concorde where the crowds of people would be awaiting the arrival of this charlatan. He would then be hoisted up onto the guillotine scaffold and asked whether he wanted a hood or not during the execution. The drums would be beating as the execution by guillotine was about to commence. I think in Brand’s case, last words would not have been permitted, as the crowd would not want to be there for an additional six hours. Another rich hypocritical weasel’s head would thus drop into the basket with a dull thud. One of the executioners would then lift Brand’s dripping head up to the people.

“Now this is a real revolution, not a fake one like Russell Brand is espousing to sell his bookie wookie and make more money. If Brand was a real revolutionary, he would give his book away for free. Truth be told, old Russell would not have lasted five minutes during the French Revolution, or the Russian Revolution either. It does not matter what you say, or pretend to say, either you’re rich or not. Brand is rich, he has assimilated into the system and he has already signed the contract, it was his decision to do what he did, and he cannot back out of his avarice and greed whilst preaching otherwise, especially whilst trying to trick the people with his faux aspirations of ‘revolution’.

“The real revolution only sees two things, those who have, and those who do not. Brand is in the first category, he has an offshore scheme, he has accountants who specialise in special techniques, he is a fraud trying to sell books of waffly writing with no real merit at all. The supreme trickster, when caught doth protest too much, and Brand is that person. He has been emphatically caught out, even his hypnotised followers must at some point be thinking to themselves, why am I following this pied piper, this Rasputin? The answer is because when Brand speaks he tries to appeal to the common person, he speaks their common language, and his white powder fuelled words that come thick and fast mesmerise the easily fooled audience. If one analyses this trickster’s speech pattern one can hear the little words he emphasises at certain points in a very controlled way to bring forth his message, which always works wonders on the not too knowledgeable and weak of mind, especially when selling the product he is selling at that particular time.”

Russell Brand Stews the Trews Cuz He’s the Hypocritical Muse

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Our favourite champagne socialist and consummate capitalist, Russell Brand tells his fawning audience of easily fooled brainwashed socialists what the truth is about something or rather.

“It’s all about me, me, me innit. I’ve got a responsibility I ‘ave to be on the telly and tell you a porky or three. Listen, I may be rich, worth about £16 million and siphon off money offshore so I don’t pay the tax man, but I’ve got to save the poor people, you know the ones I congregate with only in front of cameras. They’re people too innit? When I’m not dining at London’s finest eateries and bangin’ away on some tart I met five minutes ago, I like to think I’m the voice of the salt of the earth. The fact that I have a book launch party to attend with some fat walleted businessman afterwards is neither here nor there, it’s capitalism innit, it stinks but I have to pay the £8,000 per month rent and all that. How would I pay for my champagne lifestyle if I didn’t have a business adviser, accountant, offshore financier, personal stockbroker and a multitude of marketing men, public relations advisers, media analysts? I got this woman who cleans my flat every day, can’t remember her name, pay her six quid an hour, the other day I caught her nicking my £24,000 Rolex from my bedside table, I said ‘ere what you doing? She had this poor look on her face, maybe because she was poor, so I called the cops on her and had the old hag arrested for theft, just doin’ my bit for us champagne socialists. Anyway, I’ve got a board meeting in five minutes in the City, how’s about you let me get there in my chauffeur driven Mercedes.”

US Attorney Eric Holder Fired for Supporting Ferguson Protesters

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Holder was speaking at the world famous Ebeneezer Goode Baptist church, when a little man came up onto the podium and told him he had been fired and put on the Homeland Security watch list.

“Today I was fired for inciting violence!” Holder told the gathered audience. The attorney general then went on to say “You know what y’all gotta do? Let’s burn this mufugga down”.

“We will continue to loot, be violent, disrupt and burn down businesses because a cop shot a thug,” Holder said to applause.

The resulting cheers and shouts in the church left Mr. Eric Holder standing silently at the podium for almost twenty three minutes. Uniformed security officers walked up an aisle to escort the former attorney general out of the church and into a waiting police car where he was driven away.

Increase in Lightsaber Accidents Causing Concern With Jedis

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“These new lightsabers are really dangerous, not just for my opponents but for myself, I nearly chopped off my own hand,” Luke Skycrawler, told the Rebel Times.

The latest regulation lightsabers have resulted in mass injuries amongst Jedi knights across the galaxy and some purist Jedis are now harking back to the old ways.

Pass Windu, a Jedi from Tatooine, has been rummaging the robot scrap yards across the planet to find an old lightsaber, as the new regulation lightsabers nearly cost him an arm in a bar fight.

“I eventually found one, some guy named Watto, he sold me one for an arm and a leg. Give me an original lightsaber any day, even if that weird little cockroach with wings sold it to me at a massive mark up.”

 

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