17.7 C
London
Friday, January 2, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 558

Are You Wearing a Botnet Nappy? Well You Should Be

According to reports from the interweb a mad Russian hacker has gone and crapped all over the internet.

Computer boffins everywhere are in a tizzy because the botnets all over the place are going to soil the internet’s nappy and steal all your hard earned money, that is if you have any left during this supposed economic resurgence.

“You can shield yourself against a botnet virus by taking two diarrhoea pills daily and wearing a nappy on your head whilst surfing the infected Delhi belly internet. If you are not suitably shielded from the botnet then you might get a blowout all over your keyboard,” Dean Kermit, an internet security analyst told Tech Toilet magazine.

If there is an internet still available in two weeks time, it may still be unsafe to take your nappy off your botnet hidden deep in your PC, so don’t get too cozy with it all.

‘Teflon Barry the Invincible Magic President’ Opens to Rave Reviews

 

Starring Teflon Barry the Magic President, it involves a man who mysteriously comes to become U.S. President seemingly out of nowhere.

“Like nothing touches this guy. He can do anything and get away with it. Any other leader would have been impeached long ago, but this guy gets away with murder, literally,” producer and writer, Dick Clancy told Hollywood Week magazine.

Without giving away too many spoilers, the action packed film starts with the president spending 15 trillion dollars on pretty much nothing, then bringing in a series of contentious pet projects that cost the U.S. taxpayer even more vast sums of money. The president is of course a mean shot on the golf course and is filmed delegating orders bypassing congress mid swing and consorting with terrorists. The film ends with a big shootout in a ranch somewhere Midwest, with Barry the Magic President walking away after executing hundreds of cowboys in a bloody stand off.

Initial screenings saw many audience members vomiting into their popcorn such was the sick factor of the film.

Teflon Barry the Invincible Magic President opens Friday nationally.

Experts: France’s Eurovision Result Reveals EU Discontent With Country

0

The Founding Father of the EU Jean Monnet once said:

”Europe’s nations should be guided towards the superstate without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps, each disguised as having an economic purpose but which will irreversibly lead to federation”

And it is to this end that France has dug its own grave, by creating an EU monster, the duped masses are now fighting a second revolution. The controlling elites underestimated the power of the people once again, as they are revolting against the superstate behemoth of the EU with its dictatorial edicts.

The Eurovision contest is a good metre to EU sentiment, and this time France got 3 points. France has disobeyed many orders and was punished duly by the EU controlling board, even in an inconsequential song contest not fit for purpose. This sort of vindictive behaviour is childish but belies a deeper totalitarian spirit within the EU, which dictates its message of conformity to every strata of society and politics.

The EU is now like a religion, almost akin to Islam, where it encapsulates all elements of existence and those who do not adhere to its stringent rules are vilified, persecuted and penalized.

Marine Le Pen, head of France’s far-right National Front is the Joan D’Arc risen like a phoenix to ‘save’ her country from becoming a simple faceless district. The EU’s future is one of horror for the masses who were duped into joining a totalitarian technical entity that will kill individualism completely and eventually abolish ownership of all property for the masses. To be a federal superstate, there will need to be crisis after crisis dealt out by the elites; who is to say that there will not be another holocaust in Europe, with all the chess pieces falling into place right now?

What people do not realise is that the antithesis of EU communo-fascist technical rule is pure Fascism, which Le Pen is extolling. French history post-revolution was one of socialism, Marine Le Pen, is a National Socialist, and her brand of political ideology is borne out of economic discontent, wherein the immigrants and foreigners are blamed for the country’s many problems.

The EU wishes to remove Nationalism completely, this will naturally create a backlash because the people are brainwashed from youth to be patriotic and jingoistic. Ideally the EU would also remove all religion eventually, and instil allegiance to only the EU god.

Whatever happens, the EU will win, either through economic assimilation or if it comes down to it military means. The EU will not be halted in its mission and there is nothing anyone can do to stop this juggernaut ploughing through its policies onto the insignificant populace.

Russia has already rediscovered its soviet roots, and its eyes look West. We may very well have another fight to rebalance the weights of global hegemony.

 

American Shooting Spree Theme Park Opened in Texas

4

 

Kevin McCormack, 54, is a Texan businessman who has financed the latest in American entertainment that has already received massive interest from the public.

“You had a shitty day, you come home to your beat up wife and four kids, you lost your job, your family are all on prescription drugs including you, you got Obamacare bills to pay, you got the IRS breathing down your neck, your office romance went off the boil, you got to pay your kids’ college fees, your wife wants a holiday in Hawaii, you got to mow the front yard, you got to mow the back yard, some asshole wants to sue you for some shit, your wife crashed the Escalade what do you do? Come to our theme park, it’s off I65 third exit Northbound. When you get there, we give you a gun, it’s safe, then after you’re done, you go home and feel better with your shitty American life. Hell, you don’t even need your own gun, we give you everything,” McCormack revealed to the Texas Sun newspaper.

US Gun Family

Guns are such a big part of American society that taking them away is akin to taking a baby away from its mother’s teat.

President Obama praised the new shooting massacre theme park, stating that although it was in bad taste, it could serve a valuable function to anyone who lives in the dog eat dog society that is modern America.

“I prefer they do it this way. Millions of Americans are on prescription drugs and have psychotic thoughts daily. Add in the mix of my taxation drive, Obamacare unaffordable poor healthcare, and the American media constantly broadcasting actual shooting sprees, I feel this theme park may take it off the streets and we can begin our valuable work of disarming civilians and their dangerous weapons once and for all.”

Bush Blair Iraq Letters Revealed For First Time

1

Tim Lasserta, a contractor for Halliburton has found the infamous Bush Blair email printouts that preceded the Iraq war in a bin somewhere. The publication of the emails could be quite contentious as they have been suppressed by the Chilcot Whitewash Inquiry.

Here are exclusive snippets of the emails:

Blair: I love you George.

Bush: Yes, I know that already..shucks..

Blair: I would do anything for you.

Bush: Will you go to war with me?

Blair: Absolutely anything.

Bush: Well, remember the briefing. Fifteen minutes to attack, WMD and that Freedom thing.

Blair: That Saddam is a very bad man, but not as bad as you Georgey.

Bush: And get rid of that stupid doctor stinking up the parlour.

Blair: Yes, of course. I can’t wait to come to Washington again, I so enjoy our walks together.

Bush: Next time don’t try to hold my hand, it’s too obvious.

Blair: No problem, and please do not forget, our companies get a share of the oil.

Bush: You Limeys will get some.

Blair: I love you George. I’m getting hard just thinking of war.

Bush: I love you too Tony. (Redacted sentence follows)

Obama: Killer Drones to Combat Climate Change

0
 

President Barack Obama said his administration wants to combat climate change with killer drones that are used routinely to murder people that do not agree with U.S policy.

“We don’t have to choose between killing humans needlessly with drones sanctioned by me and killing climate change,” he said in his weekly address, which was recorded yesterday at the Children’s Drone War Institute in Washington. “As president, and as a parent, I want my kids to know that my drones will not only be killing innocent villagers in some dust ridden land, but will also be combating climate change.”

The Environmental Protection Agency is scheduled to announce a plan to deploy thousands of killer drones into the atmosphere where they will make war on the offending climate change.

Mandy Maleficent Waiting in Wings For Labour Election Win

0

Darkness falls across the land, it is 2015, and the counting has ended. Something dark and slimy has been roused from its slumber, deep in the bowels of its luxury mansion acquired by mysterious means but don’t ask about that now, it’s too late. The evil Mandy Maleficent has been released, unleashed onto the pitiful maw of voters duped once again.

What will Britain be like with the likes of Ed Miliband, Ed Balls and Mandy Maleficent spreading their diseased socialism down your gullet whether you like it or not. To say that Britain will be like hell is an understatement, because the sulphur will burn your eyes and make you wretch every time you hear another governmental announcement about some new law that no one needs.

The streets will be teeming with chavs and neets once again, as they stick pitchforks into your wallet and beat the living crap out of you just for having a few pennies in your pocket.

Labour cronies will once again lavish themselves on extravagant trips, pork pies and taxpayer funded taxi rides to Beijing.

Taxes will increase hundredfold to accommodate the useless socialist welfare state bulging bigger everyday with the weight of immigration and laziness.

As for the deficit, when Labour is finished with its first term expect that to have trebled or quadrupled.

As you sit in the car park (any road in Britain) you will look out onto the sea of cars and trucks from all over the world, and wonder when you will get home for a much needed cuppa.

Labour will unite with the EU. This is what they do, they unite everything, as good communists do, with their collectivist dreams, they will unite everyone in poverty and pestilence.

You will all be the same. You will not have any hope, you will obey the evil doctrines and you will bloody well enjoy your assimilation because there will be no choice for you.

Look up in the sky, a winged nightmare casts its shadow over the land, as it beats its wings with vicious malevolence seeking revenge over the innocent victims of the first past the post voting system.

Ruined £1 million Tracey Emin Bed Now Worth £120

British artist Tracey Emin has lost out on a £1 million payment for her soiled bed sculpture, after someone made the bed and even changed the sheets.

Furious Emin was understandably very angry at the news: “Someone at the gallery bought new sheets, then put on new covers, and took away the used condoms. It looks like an Argos bed now. They even put in a fucking £14.99 bedside table. I just spoke to my agent and he says the new price for my conceptual art piece is £120. Wait till I find out who did it!”

The Emin bed installation sculpture was meant to be sold to art collector Missuki Mayame, from Japan later this week but now the sale has fallen through.

You Didn’t Just Take a ‘Hatie’ Did You?

What happens when millions of people around the world are all pushed to revel in a narcissistic craze called ‘selfies’ through a collective social networking thought control mechanism? Well, we get the antithesis of the selfie and that’s the hatie.

“The hatie is a new phenomenon sweeping the world, wherein the user does not constantly take selfies and share them around through social networks. It is quite the opposite. The hatie is when you go to Facebook, Instagram and all other thought control programming surveillance booths and delete your account. You then have to put your smartphone down, ideally crushing it with a sledgehammer,” Fred Lombard, one of the creators of the hatie told Tech Moon magazine.

As opposed to the shallow narcissism of the selfie, the hatie is in fact an expression of dignity, intelligence and control from mass brainwashing. The hatie is a very positive reaction to the negative nature of the selfie.

There are withdrawal symptoms to denying yourself of selfie photos every five minutes. Please be prepared, for uncontrollable shaking, which will last throughout a post-selfie abstinence period, drooling at the mouth and the eyes rolling back in the sockets whilst your arms are outstretched gasping for the iphone.

If withdrawal symptoms worsen, please consult your physician who will probably give you a smartphone for a few controlled minutes.

People can be cured of the ‘selfie’ but it takes a lot of hard work over a prolonged period of months if you are one of those who are totally brainwashed.

EU Feudal Lords: “We Are Not Scared of Peasant Revolt”

Even though with anti-EU parties having some increases in the EU elections, there is still no change to the central agenda of the centrist EU parties which will carry on moving forward with their plans for complete integration of all the peasantry.

“The EU hierarchy, who are not elected, are even more stalwart about the EU project which has to be completed soon. We will abolish nationalism, we will abolish individualism, we will eventually abolish the ownership of private property, we will abolish the family unit, we will abolish the concept of male and female, and we will abolish elections. You, as a peasant, if you survive the next twenty years, will be chipped. Yes, your behaviour will be controlled via central command within an EU hive mind processor. There will be no physical currency, only digital. Your implants will determine whether you can buy food, shop and heat the micro home in which you have been allocated. Any form of dissent by you will be punishable first by your digital money being stopped, then you will be ousted from your home. If your behaviour persists we will simply delete you from existence. You may even end up as eco food for the masses,” an unelected EU higher echelon controller revealed today after the insignificant euro poll results were announced.

Microchipping of the populations via brain implants is well on the way and will be introduced soon enough, anyone who has read a book by Google’s chief engineer would know that.

“You will most probably be given a choice, whether to be chipped or not be chipped. Naturally the elite controllers will have specialist programming far more advanced than the peasant masses. Most people are not actually conscious now without chipping, so they will not really lose anything once we control their minds completely. People will also be able to benefit from advertising beamed straight into their central cortex with visual and auditory signals. This is the Mind Net, a proposed extension of the Inter Net, which to us is a very limited medium. With central brain chipping, it would be possible for a citizen to be working in a salt mine digging like a slave, but your brain will think you are on a magnificent holiday in the Bahamas,” an EU professor of Neurology, Dr. Alfred Mengele, told Euronews.

If one adds the increased robotization of the work force and highly advanced Artificial Intelligence, there is no actual need for the Useless Eaters. Why would the elite controllers bother with all that trouble? Feeding, clothing, keeping the useless eaters entertained so they do not revolt against their masters is becoming an increasingly difficult task for the controllers of the whole show. The good thing about the governing class is they like to publish their plans well in advance, naturally many who are asleep gloss over these announcements and carry on with their unconscious lives. How it will happen, is another matter, all it will take is a crisis of some sort, as is always the case? It is quite simple really, but in the eyes of the elite controllers, highly necessary.