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Breaking News: David Mellor Run Over by 14 Taxis

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Breaking News: David Mellor Run Over by 14 Taxis

 

The terrible accident occurred in Central London’s, Leicester Square, and Police are trying to piece together what happened.

“We are gathering eyewitness testimonies from numerous tourists who can’t speak English so this is obviously going to take a long time. There may have been additional cab drivers involved in the mishap and we are appealing for them to get in touch with the Metropolitan police. Our understanding is that after each taxi cab ran over Mr David Mellor, they accidentally reversed over him as well,” Inspector Todd Plebb, told the BBC.

Investigations are currently ongoing and if anyone has any further information about the incident don’t bother calling the Metropolitan police, they’ve got better things to do.

OPEC Chief Seen Guzzling Oil From Barrel

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OPEC Chief Seen Guzzling Oil From Barrel

 

Witnesses say the OPEC chief acted like a mad man as he dipped  into the barrel and scooped up vast amounts of raw crude oil drinking it in a dazed frenzy.

“Abdul, he needs his oil fix every day, but it’s getting worse, there’s so much of the stuff he can’t get enough. He went from one barrel to the next, the oil was dripping everywhere, even over his $30,000 alligator skin shoes. I saw the look on his face, it was crazy, and he was saying things like ‘this one’s for Russia, this one’s for America, and this scoop is for the Iranians, doomed, doomed, d-o-o-o-m-ed, eheheheh!’ I’ve seen some insane things in my life but this really took the biscuit,” an eyewitness at an oil refinery told local news stations.

Next stop $30 per barrel so more goodies for Abdul.

Russell Brand Already Bored of ‘Revolution’

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Russell Brand Already Bored of ‘Revolution’

“Russell Brand, the part-time revolutionary is so very bored, this talking and talking is so, so cumbersome and fatiguing to his flitting personality,” Brand’s agent Anoushka Melcham told PR Week magazine yesterday.

It is indeed boring talking about revolution yet doing nothing about it.

“I’m a talker, because it keeps me in the spotlight. If I don’t talk and talk and talk, I’m out of the spotlight that means I can’t say the multi-syllabic words I parrot to impress the pussy. Yeah, I’m in this for the women and the money, and like I’m a people’s champion you know. The women love me, I shag the little strumpets and harlots then move on to the next one. I’m a feminist. You can also call me the new Robin Hood but a very rich one who can’t use a bow or actually do anything. Oh this is so boring, I need to call up my agent to ask her what else I can do (snort),” Brand said from his luxury apartment’s jacuzzi whilst the celebrity revolutionary’s latest pickup, a woman with bubbling puss seeping herpes blisters around her mouth gave him a peck on the lips.

Brand’s next project after his revolution never happens is to find something else to talk about, a new cause or something, but it has to make a lot of money.

Sony Executives Adopting Rectal Rehydration Latest Hollywood Fad

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Sony Executives Adopting Rectal Rehydration Latest Hollywood Fad

 

“Yesterday I ordered more Rectal Rehydration kits from the CIA shop as we’re running out here. We need those kits pronto, the shit is streaming everywhere,” studio underling, Elaine Katzenjammer told Hacker Weekly magazine.

Wrecked

This is sure going to be an interesting studio Christmas party for the Sony executives, as ball and chainless president Obama himself is invited and that ‘spoiled brat minimal talent’ Angelina Jolie too.

Hollywood celebrities have also adopted the CIA rectal rehydration detox program en masse.

“It’s basically a reverse enema. They pump shit into you as opposed to out of you. What do you expect, we’re Hollywood, full of crap?” the extremely talented actor, Seth Rogan told Blockbuster magazine.

Junk Status Russians Back to Long Queues

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Junk Status Russians Back to Long Queues

Russia’s Soviet era was not that long ago in the scheme of things, and as the West chips away at the Russian economy bit by bit, the long queues of the communist era are back.

“I have not eaten food for three days now and that’s how long I have been waiting in this queue for some bread and cabbage,” Katerina Babushka, 78, a retired factory worker from Siberia told the Grad news agency.

Apart from vodka, there is not much else to soothe the Russian people in their time of need. The oil prices are dropping daily, the Western sanctions increasing in numbers and voracity. With a nation such as Russia that has to import 80% of their produce and relies on revenue from oil and gas exports, the augurs do not bode well.

“The West is pushing Russia against a brick wall, and we all know this can be a very dangerous endeavour as a bear that is cornered with no way to go will eventually strike out. This is probably what the West wants, as they have shown the Russians post Berlin wall what Western capitalist riches look like, as soon as the Russians tasted it, the rug was pulled from under them. This strategy causes deep felt anger and could be a cause for conflict in the near future.

“If one analyses the aspirations and machinations of the European Union and the United States, you will see complicit meddling inside countries bordering directly with Russia. We must understand that these strategic buffer points between Russia and the West are key to global harmony, and to step over the line is tantamount to declaring war. The Russians gave a little taster of their displeasure of the EU tampering by annexing the Crimea. More is to come as sure as the snow falls over the Urals and the vodka pours in the glass,” strategic analyst, Harold Kempfer revealed in a recent article on Wall Street.

‘LibLabCon’ Film to be Released General Election Day

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‘LibLabCon’ Film to be Released General Election Day

 

“What we have in this film are some amazing scenes of war, deception of the public, horror and the displacement and death of millions of people in the Middle East. It’s all thanks to stars like Brad Bliar, Arnold Cameronneger, Heinrich W. Bush, Dick Chainsaw, Ronald McRumfeld, Ed Mililiar, and a little yellow squirt who goes by the name of Nick Smeg.

“Cast your mind back fifteen years and you will see what has happened in the world, what atrocities these gentlemen have been party to, and you will realise that we’re living in a safer world now, a world where safety is terror, if you’re not terrified, you’re not safe. Remember that war is peace, and the perpetual war of terror is an endless road maiming and killing millions all on the behest of a few people in a room somewhere.

“This film will knock you out, lay you on the floor, and you may even do a little bottom burp or two when the final scene descends over you like a dark cloak of foreboding malice. Do not be afraid, it is simply the denouement, where all the players succumb to their plot line and reap the rewards of their harvest.

“No spoilers here mes amis, but consider this small enriching fact, if you build on debt upon debt upon debt, sooner or later the curtain is drawn and the tumultuous reality must thus be revealed.

“You may be poor, you may be rich, you may have a house in the country, you may send your kids to prep school, but war is the great equaliser, and total war is the merciless equaliser, where fighting in your local streets is a normal everyday activity.

“War is peace my friends, and think of the people who started all this war, they will be in their bunkers, they will be in their guarded chalets somewhere away from the cities (war zones) and they will be content, sleeping like babies at night, knowing of what they have done, without an ounce of compassion or conscience. Watch LibLabCon on election night, that is after you cast another useless vote which means you always get the same government you fucking plebs deserve every time, over and over, ad infinitum,” the film’s producer, Albert Cauliflower told Movie Weekly magazine.

Boehner: This is How Democracy Works

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Boehner: This is How Democracy Works

“Hi, my name’s John Boehner, I’m a Republican, I lead the House, and Barack Obama is a Democrat, he’s the president if you all don’t know that already.

“See, I may be Republican, and Obama may be Democrat but that doesn’t mean we’re different in any way. We work for the same people behind the scenes, each of us are just one side of the same coin. That’s why when you go to vote in 2016, you will be voting for one team, yep, the boys behind the scene.

“So, lemme tell you all a story, the other day I was talking to someone and I thought to myself, why not stop fooling all these idiots once and for all, they keep thinking they voted for someone different but they just got more of the same. I just thought, and thought and thought, and finally came to the conclusion, let’s keep ’em in the dark for as long as possible, hell, they might get angry or something if they really knew how we fool them every four years.

“Anyway folks, see you all later, I’m off to welcome 12 million illegal immigrants into the country and give them free passes to all the goodies. We got half of South America coming over in three months so gotta prepare for that too. Don’t forget to pay your taxes you Americans because without your hard work, we wouldn’t be able to pay for all this unnecessary expense whilst laughing at you.”

Duchess of Cambridge: “I Can’t Breathe!”

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Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, was overcome at a recent New York photo shoot when she exclaimed ‘I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe’ over and over again.

What was the Duchess talking about? Well, she had been rather rudely grabbed by a big oaf and manhandled despite being in the presence of her new husband Prince William.

“Looks what I gots me here. I wanna take you home wit me,” the man said even giving her a little pinch on the bottom and grinning like a cat that got the cream.

Despite the tense atmosphere, the event ended well when eight security personnel had to literally shoehorn the eager basketballer away from the Duchess.

As for royal protocol, that seems to be a misnomer, especially in the good ol’ US of A.

BREAKING NEWS: CIA Uses Torture

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BREAKING NEWS: CIA Uses Torture

In an incredible admission today by the U.S. Congress it was revealed that the CIA uses torture methods to get people to blab about pretty much anything.

“I can announce today about news that everyone knew anyway. The CIA uses torture methods and not only that, bears defecate in the woods. The Pope is Catholic and the sky is blue. If you have any questions about the torture methods we employ please ask, and we may even demonstrate some of the techniques on the reporters assembled here,” CIA director, Ed Strangles, told the Congressional Oversight Committee.

In other news, dogs like to pee on lamp posts, books are kept in libraries and you can buy food in supermarkets.

Prince William Stuns Americans With New Look

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Prince William Stuns Americans With New Look

Barack Obama welcomed a future king at the Oval Office today.

During a brief public chat between Obama and Prince William at the White House, the royal revealed that he was very excited to premier his new look.

‘What do you think Barack, do you like my new look? I’m getting ready for you know, when I become king and all that guff,’ he quipped.

The president’s reply was unorthodox as usual. Obama said: “No way dude, you gotta be kidding, you gonna walk around with a bird’s nest on yo head, that some funny shiiet!”

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