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Only One Mile Away: ISIS Baghdad Cafe Opening Soon

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You’ve got to hand it to Obama, without his dithering, constant golf, skipping intelligence briefings and multiple vacations, the Islamic State forces, would not be only one mile away from Baghdad.

Speaking at the Oval office, Obama (Jimmy Carter 2.0) was very calm about the recent events: “It’s nothing to worry about, once ISIS reaches Baghdad, all we gots to do is bomb that place into non existence then it’s gonna be Mission Accomplished.”

As for the last minute bombing gesture, which has proved largely ineffective so far, maybe Obama’s late arrival into the ISIS affair is of course a great opportunity to call for a Global military force to tackle such events.

Looks like Baghdadians will soon be drinking from the coffee cup of ISIS, or should that be a chalice filled with blood at the newly opened Bagdad Cafe.

How much blood do you want in your Latte?

 

Finally Obama is Thinking in Global Terms

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As Obama’s henchman in chief, Eric Holder resigns – a man who was way too preoccupied by racial issues to do his job – Obama is forced to acknowledge the sphere of global influence.

Obama still has a lot to learn as his naive understanding of geo-political machinations is in its early phase, however his team of writers and advisers are always there to guide him.

The president’s keynote speech at the UN recently regarding the threat of ISIS, possibly penned by CFR experts, is a sign that the United States is once again ready to enter the world stage after a brief period of absence.

Describing Obama’s presidency in a simplistic way, it can be described with one sentence: First black man elected, tried to deal with being a black man in charge, got hated on a lot, was mildly accepted towards the end when bigger global threats arose.

The people who installed Obama into power, no names included, knew that it would be a struggle to have someone from a minority group supposedly in charge, they knew that influential Jewish media outlets like Drudge report and Breitbart would be on his case every second of the day, and it is a credit to Obama that he surfed the wave with idle care.

As for the Daily Squib, we are merely mirrors of everything, and reflect onto the waters of global consciousness what is seen through the all seeing Squib eye.

Military Experts: Why Bombing a Belief System is Futile

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There is no doubt that threats to Western global hegemony like ISIS are a danger to the new world order, however, simplistic methods of eradication like indiscriminate bombing are impotent methods that only throw away money.

First, one must understand how a belief system works and how it powers the masses. Organised religions like Islam, Christianity and Judaism subscribe to a belief system that controls the mass of devout followers.

You cannot destroy a belief system by bombing it, because it resides in thin air, in the minds of the followers.

Simply by bombing areas where you think a belief system exists is futile and is merely an empty gesture wasting expensive rockets.

Furthermore, by bombing areas where a perceived threat emanates, one only creates more entrenched fanaticism within the belief system that lies there. The belief system is thus seen as being under attack, it provides a good recruiting tool by the belief system’s controllers. For every ISIS believer killed by a bomb, there are hundreds who will take their place. Strategically speaking, ISIS are an amorphous group, they do not have bases, they move around, this is why bombing is a complete waste of time and money, and is an empty gesture that will only enhance hatred towards the West, especially if collateral damage is incurred.

The only way to kill a belief system can be revealed here: Every participant of that belief system has to be eradicated, and that is called genocide. This is something, within the modern era, that is not acceptable by many, however throughout human history it has been utilised countless times to annihilate whole groups either to extinction or weaken them to practical non existence.

The Islamic State, as it wishes to be called, is a militant arm of Islam, which as a religion and belief system has no central control point or ‘church’ as it is all encompassing over multiple global regions. Therefore, the only way to defeat the Islamic State is to either eradicate every Muslim from the planet as well as to eradicate every form of mass religion including Christianity. The West is predominantly Christian, therefore if it attacks another religious belief system, it is immediately viewed as one belief system attacking another.

If the West was truly interested in eradicating ISIS they would eradicate Christianity as well. Religious belief systems only lead to war, however moderate they may seem at any point.

The rationalists, realists and revolutionaries within Western nations who propose war hold different ideologies of the technical abilities of war; the underlying core of their modus operandi is one of complete global governance and the establishment of a New World Order. It seems that there are fronts on many sides, with China, Russia as well as the Islamic belief system. The latter it seems is an excellent tool to bring about chaos from which order will eventually be restored.

Bombing is futile of any belief system. If there is ever to be any form of seriousness to this affair, Western governments must introduce compulsory military service for the populations and eradicate religion. Otherwise, the rest is just fluff, and the problems will keep getting worse, and worse, ending in the ultimate defeat of the West.

Alex Salmond: A Message From Glasgow

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We conducted the interview in Alex Salmond’s home town of Glasgow in his council flat which he shares with his pet budgie Angus and a few heroin addicts on the estate.

DS: So how are things after the disastrous referendum vote which many see as Scotland having being robbed of freedom?

Salmond: I’ll always be defiant to the end, it’s not over even if the fucking cat purrs, and don’t count us out yet, we Scots have a wee bit more fight in us.

DS: Since your resignation as SNP leader, how have you been spending your time?

Salmond: You ever heard of Special Brew? Well, I’ve been downing a lot of that, also whisky, crack cocaine and a wee bit heroin just to calm my nerves. I have a lot of time on my hands now, I go down the benefits office and get my giro, by mid afternoon spent the lot. It’s not easy. This is how 90% of us Scots live our short lives.

DS: What do you think of Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling?

Salmond: I can’t say the words here, but I don’t think they’re Scottish. In the old days they would’ve been strung up on a tree and dealt with the way way we deal with traitors.

DS: Do you feel let down by big business?

Salmond: It’s called blackmail where I come from, they threatened people, so they voted no. If you scare people enough they’ll do anything.

DS: Do you think it was right for the Queen of England to intervene during the referendum?

Salmond: Put it plainly, no is the answer to that. It was a very well placed sentence, she wanted people to think carefully. Now I’m a politician and I know if people think that can be dangerous for them. Well, there it was, the answer was no independence for Scotland.

DS: Yes, but to be honest you didn’t have much of a detailed plan for the Scottish economy did you?

Salmond: Excuse me (Salmond takes a swig from a can and burps loudly). Plans are for sissies, we were about getting our freedom, where there’s a will there’s a way, we would have been like the next tax haven or something, you know like Switzerland.

DS: Do you think there will be another chance for Scotland to gain its freedom?

Salmond: No. That’s it for Scotland. We’re a beaten people now, because we’re not Scotland any more. Same thing happened in Northern Ireland. Once you let them in, that’s it. Now fuck off, I’ve got a date with some meth.

The interview ended abruptly when our reporter was kicked out of Salmond’s dingy flat.

On My Phone From Phones4U to Order a Fiddle From Tesco

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I was on my Phones4U smartphone the other day trying to order a fiddle from Tesco superstores.

They’ve got a lovely range of fiddles some noisy, some quiet, some that can squeal in the key of E flat minor, or something to that effect.

Well, as I dialled and dialled and dialled I could not get through to order my fiddle.

It must be those Tesco fiddlers on the roof, because two days later I got a bill for £250 million. Now where the hell am I going to get that kind of money?

As for Phones4U, they don’t have much of a customer service do they? I tried calling their support line and the recorded message told me they’d all gone home — permanently.

The state of British business of late, tsk, tsk, it’s as if it’s second fiddle to the economy.

Purring Queen Tipped to be Next Downing Street Cat

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“We’re going to transfer Larry the tabby cat to Buckingham palace and bring the Queen into Downing Street. We just hope the loud purring sounds don’t distract the Cabinet meetings,” a Number 10 spokeswoman added.

Prince Philip, who hates cats, on hearing the news was furious and vowed to set the corgis on the poor moggy once he is delivered to Buckingham palace.

In related news, David Cameron may visit the Tower of London soon, alongside SNP leader Alex Salmond where they will be imprisoned for the rest of their lives.

Time to Leave Britain Miliband Wants 10 Years of Power

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“It’s bad enough as it is, but with Ed Miliband in charge, prepare for an exodus of pretty much all taxpayers. All will be left are those on the dole, illegal immigrants and benefits families. Who’s going to pay the vast punishing Labour taxes then?” a professional businessman told the Financial Times.

Labour’s plan to take away earnings from hard working Britons will mean that there will be an exodus of many professionals to friendlier shores, away from the horrid thought that pretty much every penny earned is taken away to pay for the feckless.

But where to go?

Anywhere out of the eurozone is a safe bet, because Ed Miliband and his evil socialist henchmen and women are also seeking to incorporate the crumbling euro currency and destroy Britain from the inside out.

Hopefully by the time Miliband is in power, the democrats (American socialists) will have been ousted from America, although a long shot with the level of brainwashing of American voters.

Africa is out of the question obviously as it is prone to deadly viruses and war.

The Middle East is out of bounds because it is entrenched in war.

Russia is out of bounds because it is in a state of war.

The Far East could be okay, however avoid China like the plague.

South America is a possibility but beware that security is an issue and you will be in danger of kidnap, arrest, thievery or general death.

If you are rich enough, you may try Switzerland or Monaco otherwise forget about it.

If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment about where to go in the world that is safe.

The Fappemus: Muggles Want to Expose Hermione

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Never fear Harry Potter’s here to the rescue, he’s going to put an Expeliafappus on the dastardly hacker who is claiming that he will expose Hermione’s niffler to all the muggles, the Daily Prophet has announced.

“This is even more scary than a visit from Lord Voldemort, or the dark Lord Mandelson,” a defiant Potter said whilst cooking up the Expeliafappus potion.

Hogwarts has been put on high alert, as the threat of an Intruder charm beckons on Hermione’s treasure chest.

Things have certainly changed since the Hogwarts alumni have got all grown up and left the school of magic, the real world seems even more terrible than school.

Time is running out, let’s hope Harry’s magic works or Hermione may have to escape to Azkaban.

Film Review: The Fappening Part Deux

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To tell you the truth, unless you’re a pubescent fapping boy, the Fappening Part Deux is not that great, I mean who hasn’t seen Kim Kardashian’s vagine and bloated arse before?

Most men will simply look at this movie and say, yeah, not bad, nothing special, still tappable in some cases.

As for the Hillary Duff spread, one could imagine themselves on the set of a sci fi movie about to get sucked into a massive black hole.

Let’s not leave it to the imagination any more, this film will have you coming back for more, and more and more.

Part Deux fans will not be disappointed to hear that Jennifer Lawrence does feature again, but the image of her glazed face from the original Fappening movie will stick in our minds for an eternity.

The Fappening Part Deux also features some great soccer scenes, we won’t spoil the plot but there’s some awesome penalty shots saved by American goal keeper Hope Solo.

Does one feel sorry for these wayward lasses? Not really, they knew what they were doing, they were adults. Let’s not excuse the feckless idiots who don’t know what’s happening in the world, and can’t read, or simply want to exist in a netherworld of complete ignorance.

The premier for the Fappening Part Deux will be held on some day or other, and when the girls roll up onto the red carpet, everyone will simply point and wink. What else can you do after you’ve seen their most private parts spread wide open, is that right Bar Refaeli?

Many cinemagoers can’t wait till the Fappening Part Trois, maybe some Taylor Swift cameos are afoot, it’s a good thing there are plentiful supplies of toilet roll in this world.

Everyone’s Happy Now That We’re All Better Together

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The streets of Glasgow were teeming today with people all chanting that they were ‘better together’.

“It’s like a love fest, we hug each other, sing songs of unity together and we’re getting all loved up,” Angus McFenster, 35, a Scottish nationalist said whilst removing someone’s hand from his neck.

A BBC crew were in town, they felt the love too as bottles and stones rained down on them.

“Love is all around, better together or something like that, innit?” a unionist voter said from his hospital bed.

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