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Finally: Obama Reveals His US Foreign Policy

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“It’s very simple, I bend over and take everything in my ass,” a jubilant Obama revealed from one of the White House’s many toilets.

Speaking to media groups from his palatial toilet office, Obama has shown strength in his US foreign policy and many gains.

“We lost Iraq, we lost Ukraine, we lost Afghanistan, we let Ebola in, and we lost control of US borders, we lost the support of important strategic allies like Turkey and Israel, we lost the support of our own people by spying on them, we lost the economy through uncontrolled spending on my useless pet projects. It’s been great, now excuse me while I spread these cheeks further, ooooooph!” the president said with a strangely pleasured look on his grinning face.

Maybe now is the time to take a bite of impeach, but with so many cowards running around as of late, not a bent over Obama butt chance.

Clacton: Ukip in Da House!!!

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Yo, yo, yo we got sum news for all y’all hip hop krews. Ukip in da house! All right the Houses of Parliament, innit. But what an amazing coup for the Ukip boyz.

“Everybody got their clackers out when the news hit Clacton that Ukip was in da house. Now they have a seat in parliament and soon they’ll get more. It’s certainly not a good omen for the Tories or Labour but that’s the way politics goes,” an excited Clacton voter revealed on Friday.

The polling revolution is beginning, and as Farage sups on another dead Tory, we come to the unbridled question of what will happen in the 2015 General Election?

“Vote Labour get EU socialist, vote Tory get EU socialist, vote Ukip get a party that wants to save Britain. What about the Lib Dems I hear you ask? Who? They simply don’t exist any more,” another excited voter revealed.

Ukip in da hizouse..yo,yo,yo!

Man Catches Ebola by Reading Ebola Article

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A man from Texas has caught Ebola by reading one of the thousands of Ebola articles in news outlets across the internet, the U.S. Authorities have revealed.

The unnamed man started to display the symptoms of Ebola immediately after reading an article on the infectious viral disease.

“One minute I was reading the piece and the next I was flailing around on the floor with my eyes about to explode,” the unnamed man said from his quarantine cell.

The moral of the story is….

NHS Prepared For Ebola?

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“Ebola can be carried in any bodily fluid, sweat, tears, minuscule water droplets in someone’s breath, semen, blood, faeces and vomit. But there’s nothing to worry about as the flights from places like Liberia, Sierra Leone and other African countries arrive daily into the UK’s porous borders. It’s of course not only African flights, because many of the infected usually transit in mainland Europe before arriving in the UK. There is no screening, and the infected may not show any symptoms for 21 days. During that 21 day period, one person can infect thousands, especially through sexual relations. There is a suspicion that Ebola is airborne, it is highly likely that tiny water droplets in human breath can easily transmit Ebola when it is carried in the air to other hosts.

However, this Ebola mass infection does pose a few questions for the NHS. For example, if thousands of patients descend onto any hospital simultaneously will there be enough secure treatment rooms available? Most hospitals in England and Wales are hugely understaffed and overcrowded, mainly because of the treatment of immigrants from poor Eastern European countries wanting free health care. It does not take a brain surgeon to realise that any further influx of Ebola infected patients will seriously impact on already straining NHS hospitals and rapidly descend into chaos, thus infecting people further.

The UK is at an advantage with being an island only if it stops all air travel, as this is not economically viable for corporations and the British economy, airports will thus be left open to massive influxes from Africa and the Third World eventually leading to a possible pandemic of Ebola. If the UK shut all ports of entry during the coming Ebola global pandemic, then it would have a chance of survival, however the current government’s slack, apathetic attitude could lead to an eradication of large swathes of the British population in the foreseeable future.

There are further factors that will increase the severity of the Ebola virus: the virus is transmitted through sexual relations, as most Africans and other blacks have a high voracity for sexual relations, once they infect any member of the indigenous populations, then the virus will spread like wildfire. All it takes is some Ebola infected person to go to a nightclub and infect hundreds, as for the promiscuous nature of large portions of the public, this would be worse than AIDS because even the mildest of human contact will allow it to spread.

We are seeing incidents of doctors and nurses, heavily suited top to toe in hazmat suits, wearing filtration masks becoming infected whilst treating Ebola patients, putting this into consideration, what hope does someone in a crammed underground train have of not being infected?

The onus lies in survival. If the government were serious about Ebola they would stop air and sea traffic immediately, or prescribe a 25 day quarantine period for any travellers from outside the UK.

Why Stretching Your Mouse Pointer Across Screen is Hard Work

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Josh Wilmer, a tech guru working for Apple has studied the new phenomenon.

“Say you’ve got a folder a-a-a-a-a-a-all the way on the other side of your screen. Well, you gotta move that mouse pointer, or if you’re on a touch pad stretch your arm all the way across. It really is so tiresome and repetitive. Our studies have found it is really pissing a lot of people off. Like I have a 25 inch monitor, it takes me until next Tuesday to move the pointer from one end of the screen to the other, and the mouse is on fast sensitivity. Aaaaaaargh!”

What is the solution to this odious problem, where people want instant results for their computer operations? Surely there must be a cure for the ever increasing problem of the lazy arm?

“Chip implants are the future, you won’t even know it’s there. Bam, look, think, and you can complete any operation you want instantaneously without even lifting a finger or dragging a pointer across some screen. Many companies are working on that right now. In less than ten years we will be having chip implants directly into the brain, and these will link us with our machines,” Wilmer added.

Putting a microchip in the brain does seem a little invasive, but it will probably be introduced slowly, via a head piece that is worn externally and triggered by electromagnetic brain waves.

The possibilities are endless, just as a computer can work on multiple functions simultaneously so too will some humans.

Once these baby steps are achieved, the human will interact with AI systems seamlessly  and productivity within jobs that are still viable will increase. There will be some time however until the introduction of chips powerful enough to completely understand every single synapse and neuron, but progress always comes with momentum, as more technical advances are introduced a waterfall envelopes all tech companies vying for the next big thing.

Argies Invade Top Gear

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“I thought I was in Goose Green for a minute, especially when that Argie Falklands vet threw a stone through my windshield,” a dismayed, James May told BBC news from Chile.

Jeremy Clarkson was rather more sanguine about the whole affair: “I was blaring out Rule Britannia on my car stereo going through some favela when a large concrete block came through the rear window wrapped in an Argentinian flag. I immediately slammed on the accelerator and ran over an old man waving another Argie flag. I think at this point I thought I should reverse and took out a few more of the bastards. Made a right mess of my front bumpers and windshield.”

As for the hamster, last anyone heard, he was seen cowering in the boot of his car pleading diplomatic immunity.

Next stop for Top Gear, a tour of Paris, France, in Hitler’s Mercedes Benz.

Banning Things is Extremist Behaviour Say Experts

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“The British and U.S. government have brought into law edicts calling for the banning of certain forms of human expression, speech and literature. Their claim is one of inhibiting extremism, however, the simple act of banning anything, is a form of extremism in itself.

“Naturally, there are certain areas of free speech which are unsavoury, however this is only part of the human condition, human societal culture and variation of human expression. To ban human expression in many of its variant forms in the name of banning extremism or any other form of thought that is not in-line with governmental doctrine is a form of extremism exhibited by the government itself.

“One may argue that the government is implementing banning strategies in the interests of national security, however would it not be better to include unsavoury speech as a way to understand things better? Do not ban things, because banning things is what extremists do, why follow their lead?”

Ebola: Why Shutting Down Air Traffic From Africa Not Viable

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“Ebola has a 21 day incubation period, and yet flights from Africa are arriving at global destinations hourly.

“It’s not only air traffic that helps spread the disease but land and sea travel.

Ebola is the perfect instrument for the implementation of the global burden of disease and population strategy carried through global groups utilising the comprehensive development framework and transnational cross-border health risk citation.

“For the last thirty years, fulfilment of various strategies to tackle population have been an active technical and comprehensive response to the ever increasing problem of global population proliferation.

“The escalating deleterious spread of Ebola may impact expansively within Third World areas, however purely because of open global ports of entry, zones from which Ebola emanate will no doubt infiltrate Industrialised nations and may impact populations within those areas as well.

“What is the reason for keeping all ports open to travellers carrying the Ebola virus? This simple question cannot be answered at this time.”

Man Gets Obola in USA

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CDC officials said the man did not enter the country with any papers, identification or even a social security number.

“This man is of no fixed abode and may have infected millions with Obola. It’s a disease that has no known cure, and is infectious to Democrats and zombies alike,” a senior CDC official revealed Monday.

The announcement comes only days after a top German virologist revealed that five million people would die in Obola-infected nations within Africa not including those who travel to the USA to infect others through the open borders.

Speaking on Fox news, Bill O’Reilly said: “I nearly got Obola, but good thing I’m a Republican. Last I heard the whole MSBNC crew have contracted Obola and ain’t that a crying shame.”

Just this week, the CDC began advising funeral homes on how to handle the remains of Obola victims while simultaneously attempting to downplay the threat.

The U.S. State Department ordered 160,000 Hazmat suits, dark eye shades, ear muffs, specifically for Obola earlier this month.

“If you see Obola on the TV or internets, please switch off immediately, either that get to your nearest Obolacare center for quarantine,” Dr. Ralph Greenbaum, told ABC news.

Ello Ello Ello

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When it comes to anything that is anti-Facebook then a good Ello is all that is needed.

It’s a long time coming and hopefully Ello will not be infiltrated by Zucker and his bid for complete evil domination.

Ages ago we ran an article about anti-social networks, and although Ello is not anti-social, it is the antithesis of Facebook.

Could the Zucker tentacles dry up and fall off onto the floor rotting away amongst the ripped up share slips and brokerage sell notifications?

Only time will tell, maybe Zuckerberg could re-name his data mining operation as ‘Bye’.

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