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Prince Andrew: “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Girl”

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Who says the royal family are boring? Well, most of them are, but not Prince Andrew.

“I did not have sexual relations with that girl,” Prince Andrew told CNN, on Friday, as news broke of some innocuous accusatory American court case.

Royal watchers are astonished at the negligent ignorance Americans hold towards the royal family.

“It’s absolutely classless to say that Prince Andrew allegedly met with this young lady when she was only seventeen years of age. Don’t they know that the age of consent in Britain is sixteen? And even if he did, it is no business of theirs to meddle with royal matters. These squalid yokel cowboys are nothing more than peasants in the eyes of the British royal family. We witnessed their vulgarity when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge recently visited that awful toilet called New York. They have no manners and should know their place, which is 1000 fathoms below blue blood and will never be equal to it in a million years,” Sir Whittington Smythe, a friend of the royals told the BBC.

Pop Music: Songs that Ruled the Music Charts

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The music biz has come a long way since the days when artists actually sang crafted melodic songs and played instruments. The year showcased some of the bands that excelled in pop.

It has been another great year in music with bands like JL64, XC-3.4 and Nx45-D.

Here are our top picks.

‘Jyzjyzejyze’ by X34-8ult

X34-8ult’s heavily autotuned voice is perfect for this 3.40 long song. The song is inspired by an exact template copy of another song which is a template of a previous song template. The song peaked at number 2 in US Billboard Hot 100 chart.

‘59870003A3443’ by KLJT 5

SDa32 is one of the strongest tracks from their album, ‘__’. The song starts with samples from various other bands that use samples of other samples of other samples and lifts up high with some heavily autotuned vocals that sound exactly like every other autotuned chart vocal utilising a linear repetitive chorus that repeats every 1.5 seconds. This song seems much influenced by xd34’s work. The song sold 34.6 million copies and peaked at number 6 on US Billboard Hot 100 chart.

‘11010100101010’ by Zzzzzzz34

Zzzzzzz34 rose to prominence with a debut single that was a clone of pretty much any album you listen to in the charts right now. This autotuned pop song with its repetitive monotone non melody was certified platinum five times in a row by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). It was also the most streamed video on YouTube for the month of August and November. The song is about nothing at all, it has no meaning, it is an ode to nothing. It has been covered by numerous recording ‘artists’ and bands, including Z12, Z34 and Z56. The song received nominations for Record of the Year and Song of the Year at the 2014 – 2045 Grammy Awards.

‘43.7’ by frt6

ddddd is one of the strongest tracks from their album, ‘xdcse’. The song starts with samples from various other bands that use samples of samples of samples and lifts up high with some heavily autotuned vocals that sound exactly like every other chart vocal. This song seems much influenced by xd34’s work. The song sold 897 million copies and peaked at number 2 on US Billboard Hot 100 chart.

‘ctrl v’ by 56748-a

56748-a’s heavily autotuned vocal is perfect for this 2.20 long song. The song is inspired by an exact template copy of another song which is a template of a previous song template. The song peaked at number 4 in US Billboard Hot 100 chart.

Happy New Nihilism Year

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Someone called Pike was attributed in a letter once to have seen the future, whether he wrote that letter or not, it does not matter, but the predictions are all very accurate whoever wrote that letter, and we are close to the time the nihilists are set loose on the populations.

We have Middle Eastern nihilism, we have Communist Chinese and North Korean nihilism, we have Russian nihilism and in the West, the nihilism is so thick and fast it is everywhere, from the New Black Panthers to the agencies orchestrating riots, to the well armed pale skinned good shots, to the politicians peddling nihilistic hope for the hopeless masses whose lot lies in desperate nothingness. The nihilistic levelling nature of the Internet which sought to crush the individual may also have its day in the crusher.

Deconstruction 2015

It’s the New Year, you have been brainwashed to think the calendar brings a new time into existence, but that is all bullshit in the universal scheme of things, your Christian Gregorian calendar does not mean anything in the universe we inhabit, time means nothing to the nihilist.

This is the new age of nihilism, the spirit of Nietzsche as it Gorgiastically smashes through the facades of pompous institutions, fat whores of Babylon, the rich thieves who stole all the cream, as anarchy puts things that were wrong ultimately right bringing new interpretations to man’s fight for meaning. The new nihilists will create their own uber reality, their own übermensch from the ashes of the huma-constructed religions espousing false belief.

The nihilists, once their butchering has been completed will also perish, but not before they complete their job and have their skewed fun. Their perishing will in fact be the transcendence of human evolution, the next step in existence.

From the ashes, it is obvious what will come, but will you survive to see its magnificence? The universe will continue to exist with or without you nevertheless.

 

EU: Greece Must Endure Austerity For 30 Years

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“It is imperative that Greece stays with the austerity course for the next 30-40 years if it wants to stay in the EU. This means selling more olive oil and Greek yoghurt. If there is anything else you guys can sell or do, please do it because you need some serious cash to pay your EU debtors,” Jurgen Scheissegruber, EU Austerity Kontrol technician told Das Zweiten today.

Greek Cyprus Style Bail-in

The next tranche of austerity may begin in a few weeks time and will involve a Cyprus type bank raid by the EU on Greek deposit holders.

“It is quite simple, if we cannot have our money back by installing one of our technicians to run your country, and you install someone who is against austerity, we will simply get the money from your bank accounts. You know, like how we did in Cyprus with your Greek Cypriot cousins. Any deposit in a Greek bank over 8,000 euros will be confiscated. You kids gotta learn the hard way, then let it be so. Next time don’t be so lazy and spend those EU subsidies on luxuries you cannot afford. Look at you now, stop begging, get off my shoe you schweinhund,” a visiting EU technocrat told a Greek delegation.

Hospitals to Deliver Babies by Drone

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Drones are big business as online stores and postal services have been capitalising on their popularity by conducting logistical deliveries in the US and the UK, but what about babies?

Hospitals are now the next drone front line where drones could be replacing storks for that all important delivery moment.

“We’ve already trialled a few deliveries by drone this month and plan to roll out a more intensive service next month,” NHS planner, Rupert Sanders, told the BBC.

How does the drone delivery work, and what’s more, is it safe?

According to a recent consultancy funded by the government, drones are actually safer than midwives because they have less germs and are accurate to the millimetre. When the woman is in labour, the drone will be activated and will hover under the area where it calculates the trajectory of the baby expulsion will be. The specialist drones have a cushioned basket to catch the baby delivery. So far, tests carried out by the scheme have a 95% chance of success when catching the baby as it is being ejected from the mother.

“We can also deliver babies via drone to any address in the UK, of course after the mother has had her initial time with the newborn. Not all parents can take their babies home with cars and some live in rural secluded areas of the country,” Mr. Sanders revealed.

The NHS could save over £380 million per annum when the drone deliveries are rolled out in January 2015.

Offline is the New Online

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When everyone is online, it’s time to get offline, that’s the current message for truly creative artists, writers, musicians and anyone else who has a modicum of dignity left in the internet age.

“The internet has subverted many things. Look at Amazon and what it has done to authors, look at itunes/spotify and what it has done to musicians, look at online newspapers and what it has done to journalists. Even friendship has suffered because of sites like facebook. The internet has increased the quantity of everything, at the expense of quality. The industry of many has been watered down through sheer volume of junk, morose banality, excessive advertising and mediocrity,” a former successful writer revealed from his day job of shining hub caps.

Robert McDimper, one of the architects of the internet from the early days as a military application had this to say about how the internet has developed over the years from his maximum security jail cell.

“What else ruined the internet? How about being watched, tracked and hunted down if you express a viewpoint that is not adjunct to the current totalitarian regime in charge. The NSA and other agencies have harvested so much information about the population that they don’t know what to do with it all. The marketing companies have all your information, buying habits and search data.

“Facebook manipulates its users with adjusted news feeds, twitter reports people to the police and in some regions like Burma or China, this means people die or are imprisoned for their thoughts. The people who were tricked into opening personal profiles on Facebook are already lost, there is no hope for them, and even though some may wish to break away or have woken up from the hypnotic spell, it is too late, their information has already passed through the system.

“Thoughtcrime is a very real concept especially in the internet era where someone can make a drunken brain fart on the internet in the afternoon and be arrested by the morning. There is no such thing as freedom of speech or thought in the heavily controlled internet era we are sadly in now, instead it is a holding prison for the human hive mind, a dystopian nightmare where every thought is held in a cage, labelled, pigeon holed and filed forever.

“The internet is your own personal mind prison, a linear jail cell where there is no escape once you enter it. Have fun.”

New Year Asia Plane Tour Offer For Five Lucky Winners

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The Daily Squib is offering five free tickets for a tour of South East Asia.

The itinerary will include trips to Indonesia, Malaysia, and somewhere else not designated yet.

The lucky winners will be wined and dined at the best hotels before the one way trip when they board an aeroplane starting with the letters MH or QZ.

Expectant competition winner, Arthur Pustule, from Braintree, Essex was excited about the once in a lifetime experience.

“I can’t wait to get on the plane and fly over the unlimited oceans of South East Asia. It’s a great thought to know that these aeroplanes are tracked by radar down to the millimetre. Nothing can possibly go wrong. I’ve packed my snorkelling and diving gear so that I’ll be prepared when we get to our final destination resting place.”

To win the Asia Plane Ticket Competition please answer this simple question. Where is the final resting place of flight MH370? a) Somewhere at the bottom of the Indian ocean b) Very, very deep under water somewhere in the ocean c) Where the fish swim deep in the vast ocean

Answers on a postcard to Missing Plane Comp Tickets, 370 Seabed Road, London, W6 SOS. Competition winners will be announced tomorrow. Employees of Malaysia Airlines or AirAsia are welcome to enter the competition, oh dear, they have to fly in those planes anyway? Aaaargh!

Sony Hacking: North Korea Shoots Back With Obama Monkey Racial Slur

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President Barack Hussein Obama was called a “monkey in the jungle” by North Korean officials and posters of the esteemed president of the United States photoshopped as a monkey’s head were distributed across the communist nation on Friday.

“The level of North Korean photoshopping ain’t too bad,” a CIA imaging expert told CNN today.

Obviously with all this hacking going on, someone in North Korea was able to download a hacked version of photoshop cs5 and do some serious damage to the United States.

President Obama fired back after seeing the Obama monkey image today: “If I’m a monkey. Kim Jong-un is a pig. Is that childish enough for all y’all?”

Contact Lens Search at Berkeley Petrol Station Gets Out of Hand

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“I was driving for Christmas eve, and I stopped at the Berkeley gas station. I’m going to Huntsville which is 65 miles away. That’s when the lens popped out and I was already late. I called in the fire department, state troopers and even my uncle Larry who lives three blocks away from the gas station,” Mr. Shabanaker told Fox7 news reporters on the scene.

The ensuing mayhem that greeted gas station attendant Joe Donluca, was astounding.

“I seen everything doing this job, but having three police forces, a fire department and other helpers looking for one contact lens on the floor really took me by surprise. Folks were stepping on heads, hands, bumping each other, one cop even fell over and let off a massive firework.”

All’s well that ends well. After only six hours of searching, the contact lens was discovered. It was a quick dust off and pop back in the eye situation before Mr. Shabanaker got on his way and completed his Christmas journey.

Eight Fun Facts You Probably Already Knew About Christmas

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You probably know these points anyway but why not read on, you may have missed something in the past?

This list of fun Christmas facts was compiled by the Ancient Historians Institute based in Walthamstow, East London.

Eight Fun Christmas Facts

1. The Christmas tree represents fertility and regeneration, or in other words an erect phallus. From the erect penis comes all life, so please respect that fact and decorate the tree (obelisk) carefully but don’t rub it too much.

2. December 25th is a date which pre-dates Christmas or Christianity. It is the date Romans celebrated Saturn (Satan). The date represents the strengthening of the Sun’s light during the winter months.

3. Red Holly represents the Queen of heaven, or Diana according to pagan witches, and also is symbolic of a woman’s menstrual blood. The Christmas wreath made from holly is the vagina.

4. Christ Mass is a Roman Catholic creation and was only adopted by other Christian sects recently.

5. Jesus Christ is a composite creation of Horus, Tammuz, Krishna, Hesus, Nimrod. There are no known records that Jesus ever existed, which is interesting as the Romans were meticulous about record keeping. Even though European scholars have made reconstructions of Jesus’ life from reading the non-factual bible, there are no actual historical records to back up their stories.

6. The story of the great flood was written 3,000 years before the Bible in the Epic of Gilgamesh, an ancient cuneiform Sumerian text.

7. The Holy Trinity can be found in every religion, and was incorporated for the Christians when the new religion was invented by multiple writers.

8. Santa (Satan) likes material things a lot. He’ll give you gifts and money. He wants you to be addicted to shopping and receiving gifts. You won’t be happy unless you get a large amount of material objects to celebrate materialism and greed.

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