17.7 C
London
Saturday, July 11, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 526

5p Plastic Bag Tax So You Spend Less at the Shops

Piers Moron
-
0
5p Plastic Bag Tax So You Spend Less at the Shops

 

Alan Jobsworth, the engineer of the 5p plastic bag tax was adamant that the bag tax is the right way to go.

“You won’t want to buy as much stuff now because you’ll either have no bags or one bacteria laden overused bag produced by a young child labourer in Indonesia which does not fit much in it.

“You can go to a shop and buy one item, that’s easily carried, but depending on the items you would have purchased if you had free bags, you just won’t any more. Give it a miss. This is a good way of reducing consumerism and needless consumption.”

If you can’t carry it, don’t buy it

Going to do the shopping is expensive as it is in Britain as most items have 20% VAT lopped onto the already excruciatingly expensive price, add in the massive mark ups in rip-off Britain where everything is 40-50% dearer than the rest of the world and you have a recipe for low sales within the retail and supermarket sector. This is why the 5p plastic bag tax will reduce sales across the board.

Remember buy less and only what you really need. Better still don’t buy anything at all.

U.S. Bombing: Patients Burned Alive in Their Hospital Beds

Piers Moron
-
2

Imagine lying in a hospital bed trying to recover, next thing you know you are being burned alive as wave after wave of missiles slam into your hospital. You try to get up as the flames burn through your flesh and the heat melts your skin, there is nothing you can do now but close your eyes and slowly burn to death in agony.

Yesterday, U.S. jets and drones bombarded a known hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan killing 19 patients and hospital staff from Medecins Sans Frontier.

If the bombing had been committed by the Russians there would be a large media circus capitalising on this incident, but in this case only a few news outlets have even mentioned the atrocity.

Please donate to Medecin Sans Frontier: http://www.msf.org.uk/

 

New World Policeman: Syrian Conflict Soon Over Thanks to Russia

Piers Moron
-
0
New World Policeman: Syrian Conflict Soon Over Thanks to Russia

After flying over 60 sorties over Syria including a devastating bunker buster bomb on the main ISIS command centre in Raqqa, there is not much else to do apart from clean up.

Desertions from ISIS are rumoured to be increasing daily with over 700 reported yesterday.

Without their main command centre (funded and supported by whoever) ISIS are like a decapitated cobra writhing around in the Syrian sand dunes.

“It’s safe to say that Russia has successfully finished the job that Washington, for whatever reason prolonged. To say Washington is pissed is an understatement, the Russians have made the Obama administration look like a bunch of amateurs in less than a week. Don’t talk to me about Langley, those guys now have permanent steam coming out of their ears. Syria is now gone. America lost to Russia again, and all that hard work and expensive funding went up in smoke. Well done Obama,” Colonel D. Sanders, a retired Kentucky Fry eating dude told CNN.

We have a new world policeman, and it’s not the United States any more, thanks to Obama.

 

Why Swedish Girls Are Biggest Prize For Illegal Migrants into EU

Piers Moron
-
3
Why Swedish Girls Are Biggest Prize For Illegal Migrants into EU

Blonde, blue eyed, pale skin and bodies that would make Amazonions green with envy, there is serious delight in the eyes of the millions of men crossing the Croatian and Hungarian borders en route to Sweden.

No Lagom

“I don’t care about the free apartment, free food and money to spend, all you have to do is a Google image search for Swedish girls and you will see the delightful women waiting for us with open arms. In a few years time the waters will have been darkened as we get to work,” Abdullah Jamil, from Lahore, Pakistan revealed on the Hungarian border.

The resourceful Swedes are even handing out guide books on how to have sex with Swedish people for the illegal migrants crossing the borders into the country.

Sweden is now an EU country where the population rise is set for a boom in the coming years.

Indeed, the pull factor is overwhelming and the internet has been an amazing eye opener for some cultures that have very closed Islamic societies.

“The EU has opened their arms to us, and here we are coming. I’ve seen whole villages cleaned out at home. As soon as they say come, we are already gone. We must of course thank the Swedish socialists for their welcome and the young ladies who will be greeting us. I can’t wait to get stuck in, It’s like IKEA except with pussy, and they’re socialists so they cannot say no,” another migrant yelped whilst making crude actions with his hips.

swedish-girls

The migrants do have a point about socialists, they do not say no to anything, and this is the catch, their daughters are free game for the millions of blonde-lust driven men with wild eyes and straining testosterone fuelled trousers crossing the EU borders looking to park themselves on a lithe blonde socialist nymph who cannot say no, especially as the migrants do not even understand what the word ‘no’ means.

Having spent their lives in Islamic countries there is finally a light in the tunnel, a Swedish tunnel.

“You see this?” migrant points to unsightly bulge in trousers, “It’s coming to Sweden!”

You are all welcome. Come.

Native Americans Will Have The Land Back One Day

Piers Moron
-
1
Native Americans Will Have The Land Back One Day

Here is the transcript from the tribal leader who lives in a reservation far from any city or town.

DS: It is a great honour to be speaking with you great Chief whose ancestors once roamed the great plains of America.

Chief: Yes, we roamed the plains, we hunted, we fished, but we never disturbed. We respect nature and give back what we take to survive. That is not the case today and the last 400 years. Our ancestors passed on their secret knowledge about the universe and it survived the mass murder by the white man. We still hold this knowledge today.

DS: Has the white man brought anything to you and your people that is positive?

Chief: No. Nothing. Our shamans foresee worse to come, for what they have done to this earth, corrupted everything, poisoned all things, they will lose everything faster than a blink of an eagle’s eye. Their greed and evil will be their own undoing. Then we shall have the freedom of the land once again, it is not our land, but we shall once again roam the plains and forests, the creeks and the deserts. They used to call us savages, but what they have done is worse.

DS: What kind of timeline are we talking about?

Chief: Very soon my friend. I cannot say in your years, but when it comes you will know about it. There will not be much time and it will be fast and the years after the event, if you survive, there will be much hardship.

DS: What can those who are knowledgeable and in tune with the earth’s sacred spirit do to prepare?

Chief: You must first prepare your mind, for what you will see will not seem real. You must prepare your soul, make it strong, and you must prepare your skills, in nature. Brave. We have been waiting for centuries for our ancestors saw what is to come. It is a waiting game but the Native Americans have all the time in the world the white man has not.

DS: You run a pretty successful casino here in the reservation.

Chief: Yes, we are using the white man’s greed to sustain ourselves. There are many surviving tribes like us who know what is in limitless supply. White man’s greed. We then take their money and use it to prepare for what is to come. These people are not spiritually connected to the earth. We will survive, they will not.

DS: Thank you for your words of wisdom great chief. That was the last question in the interview.

Chief: Now smoke this pipe and think of the task ahead. America is dying from within. The time of purification and renewal is coming. Peace be with you.

Umpqua Shooter Shot Christians Yet Idolised Christian Catholic IRA

Piers Moron
-
2
Umpqua Shooter Shot Christians Yet Idolised Christian Catholic IRA

 

According to news reports the gunman in Thursday’s mass shooting at an Oregon community college specifically targeted Christians, three witnesses said, while online accounts linked to the shooter expressed disdain for organized religion.

From the limited information being released for whatever agenda by the authorities, it is therefore a viable conclusion that Christopher Harper Mercer was just a very confused person because he targeted Christians yet idolised a Christian Catholic terrorist group.

Our conclusion, the shooter was a simplistic idiot of the highest order, but a useful idiot for an agenda which will no doubt be a good addition to the anti-gun faction.

One must also understand that the standard of education in America at state level is extremely poor and millions of Americans are totally misinformed, holding simplistic skewed black and white views based on ignorance about any given subject matter, therefore adding guns and prescription drugs into this unholy mix makes for a deadly soup of bullets and violence.

Here is a video of sectarian violence between Loyalist Ulster Protestant Christians against Catholic Christian Republican children and parents going to the Holy Cross school in Ardoyne, Northern Ireland, 2001. This video highlights the terror and hatred that religious factions mete upon themselves on a daily basis, where even sects within the Christian religion display brutal violent behaviour.

 

Blyat! Time to Start Learning Russian?

Piers Moron
-
0
Blyat! Time to Start Learning Russian?

 

Thanks to Obama’s inadequacy in world affairs, you also better get used to eating Okroshka and guzzling gallons of vodka whilst driving your Lada through the streets of Cheam.

Here are some useful phrases in Russian, for you may need them soon:

Polozhil avtomat Kalashnikova , ya ne golosovat’ za Obamu. — Put down the Kalashnikov, I did not vote for Obama.

U menya yest’ svezhiy vodku dlya vas , ne strelyayte. — I have some fresh vodka for you, do not shoot.

Moya drugaya mashina Lada. — My other car is a Lada.

Dobro pozhalovat’ v Nuneaton — Welcome to Nuneaton.

And to prepare yourself for life under the Russians, don’t forget to watch a few driving videos.

Блядь

 

Shakespeare’s Romeo Was a Creep According to Feminists

Piers Moron
-
1
Shakespeare’s Romeo Was a Creep According to Feminists

Speaking at the #killallmen symposium for feminists held this week, the feminist revealed that Shakespeare should be banned because it shows women in a submissive and subservient light.

“All Shakespeare plays are sexist misogynistic hate-speech and should be banned. We are especially campaigning for the removal of Romeo and Juliet because it portrays so-called love between a man and woman. Romeo is a total patriarchal stalker creep because he did not give Juliet a chance to think about her true feminist lesbian sexuality and in the end drugged her with poison to kill her when Romeo’s hateful stalking did not work out. At least that’s how we think it went. But we’re making our words heard about this hateful play and want it banned immediately.”

 

ROMEO

She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o’er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Military Experts: Russians Take Syria

Piers Moron
-
3
Military Experts: Russians Take Syria

“What we have here is a chess grandmaster who has used pin and skewer tactics to effectively immobilise the opponent. Putin is at least five or six steps ahead of Obama and his strategy is starting to hurt the ailing president, or self-proclaimed king as he likes to be known.

Checkmate

“Russian ground, sea and air forces are now being bolstered by a Chinese carrier that recently landed at Tartus.

“Unfortunately, the U.S. is now on the ropes in Syria, and because of Obama’s inexperience in military, strategic and tactical matters, it is too late for any American involvement, especially boots on the ground.

“Our advice is simply to call in the game and halt any thoughts of action in the region because it is too far gone for any valid resolution. To continue with even a limited air campaign could set off World War III.

“If, however, World War III is the intended goal by the Obama administration, then their strategy is working.”

Can Idiots Be Identified By Their Fingerprints?

Piers Moron
-
0
Can Idiots Be Identified By Their Fingerprints?

The researchers claim their findings could prove useful not just for idiots everywhere, but also for morons and assholes who seem to inhabit daily life across the planet.

Professor Iddy Otte, an anthropologist at Kentucky Fry University, who led the study, said: “This is the first study to look at this issue at this level of detail, and the findings are extremely promising. There are fu**ing idiots everywhere. Jeez, I just found out I’m married to an idiot.

“This finding also tells us that there’s a level of variation in idiots like you have major idiots, really dumb idiots, morons, useful idiots and darn right assholes.”

The researchers, whose work is published in the American Journal of Physical Anthropology, examined the right index fingerprints of 456 individuals.

Professor Otte, who worked on the project with student Nichole Moran, said: “The Level 2 detail that was significant for idiots was total bifurcations, like it was totally off the scale man.”

It raises the possibility that there may be more details contained within fingerprints which may help trace a person’s idiot ancestry.

“That means idiots go down the line, hell, your whole family tree could be populated by idiots and assholes. This research just blew us away”

The ongoing research project also tested former president George W. Bush and found out he was actually not an idiot but just a total asshole.

Are you an idiot?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

1...525526527...823Page 526 of 823
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH