17.7 C
London
Saturday, July 11, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 525

Queen Seen Loitering Outside Corbyn’s House

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Queen Seen Loitering Outside Corbyn’s House

One does not insult the Queen of England and get away with it easily, as Jeremy Corbyn, the anti-royal new Labour leader is finding out.

“I’d just got off the privy, poh, it was a smelly one, as I parted the curtain to open the window I saw her, she was scouting the area, that’s when a chill went up my spine, I was now on the list!” Corbyn told the BBC.

There have been no confirmed reports from any other news source or Buckingham palace, but if Jeremy Corbyn is not hallucinating or being paranoid, he better watch out, you don’t mess with her majesty.

ISIS Finally Gets an Air Force

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
ISIS Finally Gets an Air Force

Back in 2014 before the Americans started their bombing campaign, we revealed the main weakness of groups like ISIS, and how they are at a great disadvantage. They don’t have an air force, and this is why they’re currently being bombed back into the stone age.

That is until now. Senior commander in chief of the ISIS Air Force, Abdul Abdullah, has revealed a new squadron of air craft that will counteract the mass bombing campaigns of numerous nations currently in Syria.

“This new craft can fly at incredible speeds and we shoot down Russian and American infidel planes whilst zipping around over the ground. Our main carpet can fly higher than the highest minaret, and by the grace of Allah is protected by a forcefield which no infidel can penetrate.”

 

Brian Blessed to Become Regular Fixture in All Maternity Wards

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Brian Blessed to Become Regular Fixture in All Maternity Wards

“And another one!” Brian Blessed roars as the seventh baby is delivered popping out of its mother.

There are smiles all around as he expertly bites into the umbilical cord and spits it into a bin in the corner of the room whooping with joy.

Brian Blessed is now a regular in maternity wards across England, Scotland and Wales and his roaring voice can be heard welcoming babies into the world from Land’s End to John O’Groats.

“I won’t have a baby if Brian’s not there to do the honours, he’s a blessing,” Nina Carmichael, 26, from Llandudno told her local newspaper.

Why Any Particular Political Party in Government is a Form of Extremism

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Why Any Particular Political Party in Government is a Form of Extremism

 

Analysing today’s Western political entities is an exercise in analysing extremist policies, for example the American socialist Barack Obama who has a religiously extremist defiance to gun ownership in the Unites States and his extreme championing of homosexuality; or Britain’s David Cameron who has an extremist view towards the United Kingdom staying in the EU.

The European Union is a de facto dictatorship holding extremist views towards mass migration and its policy of free movement.

The American progressive socialist movement in America has extremist views that encompass feminism and homosexuality as well as the ‘global warming’ sovietised doctrine that pervades over every facet of life in their little goldfish bowl. These extremist progressives also stifle free speech with the use of extremist outrage and shaming to shut down any viewpoint that is not part of their extreme movement.

If one was to analyse previous political and governmental entities, for example the Bush neocons, their extremist views encompassed war and Christian religious extremism, and in Britain, the Labour socialists are extremists when it comes to welfare, purely because they want to extend their voter base. Under the Labour government from 1997 to 2010 surveillance was increased to such levels that it could be deemed as an extremist move. There are now eleven CCTV cameras for each person in the United Kingdom.

Extremism is so prevalent in any given government’s policy that it is quite hypocritical to call other groups extremist but they do on a daily basis because when something is not enshrined within the auspices of government it is vilified as extremist by the government for whatever agenda is required.

 

Gordon Brown on Corbyn, the Tories and Retirement

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Gordon Brown on Corbyn, the Tories and Retirement

We like to visit past luminaries of British politics now and then, and this time we’re back in Kirkcaldy, Scotland, a place dear to Gordon Brown.

We find the former leader round the back of a kebab shop where he indulges in some scraps and sometimes even gets a full doner from the owners.

DS: Gordon, nice to see you. You’re looking well. I can see you’ve found a new jacket since we last met and even had a shave.

GB: Eeeeeargh! Sum cunts nicked me last brew! Betta have some booze on ya?

DS: Four cans of brew for you Gordo, your favourite.

GB: Aaaah! Happy as Larry! (click sleurp, Gordon tucks into the first can)

DS: So have you been watching the news, since you were thrown out of Number 10, things have changed a bit?

GB: Ah watch a bit on the High Street, Curry’s is good. The scum Tories are in noo, and that Corbyn fellow he’s takkin’ ma job. I saw that lil pip squeak Ed tried to win but voters saw through him. I nevah won an election meself so I know how he feels. Bashtards the lot!

DS: During your reign you ruled with an iron thumping fist, I see you still have that angry bitter quality lingering.

GB: They never appreciated me. What I did for the country. Burn, burn, burn in hell! Is there for honesty poverty That hings his head, an’ a’ that; The coward slave – we pass him by, We dare be poor for a’ that!

DS: I have a message from Darling here, he says that he is sorry the way it turned out for you since Sarah threw you out three years ago he’s offering you a space in his barn. There will be straw and warmth away from the cold plus a few drams here or there.

GB: Tell him his kindness is not needed. Ahve got the freedom o the road here.

DS: The Daily Squib readers have scraped a few pennies together to give you. Here is 43 pence. You can maybe put it towards a hot meal or maybe some more booze.

GB: Takk yer money n shove it up yer arses! The Daily Squib? You twits gave me nuttin’ but grief during my days as supreme comrade in chief. I should have had you all shot! Thash what Stalin would have done. On second thoughts I’ll have that. (grabbing coins violently) Now leave me be ya basts. Yaaargh!

And with a smelly flurry, Gordon left us, his destination of who knows where beckoning, but a legend in his own frazzled mind.

Experts: Iraq Welcoming Russians As Saviours Does Not Bode Well For US

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0

“The Iraqi Defence Committee Chairman wants a bigger role for Russia in Iraq than the Americans, and this obviously is an ominous note in the continued U.S. defeat being compounded in the region.

Shock and Awe

“Not only have the Russians taken Syria but now Iraq is on the map, as they clean up the mess the Obama administration has left.

“When Russia embeds itself in both of these countries, they will have gained territory that America sought with two unsuccessful wars, and the Russians do not hide in their billion dollar bases either, they are very active in enforcing their rule.

“America is too late and has been sidelined, a former power now nothing more than an observer, as they see their claimed territory taken by the Russians.

“Turkey’s role will also be severely impacted as it will now have Russia above it and to the sides, in Syria and Greece, who are complicit with Russia. Unfortunately for the Turks they are now surrounded by Russians thanks to American inadequacy.

“Because of the obama administration’s languorous and lackadaisical inaction, Russia is completing the job the Americans should have completed, and they are claiming the ground, as well as hearts and minds in the region.

“Russia is firmly aligned with the Shiite portion of the population with the full support of Iran, Syria’s Assad and Iraqi Shia government.

“The chess game moves from fast to slow to fast, intermittently changing tactical nuances affect outcomes, but could the game be turned around somehow? Could the Americans be drawing the Russian bears out of their caves? By steaming in like he has, maybe Putin has exposed himself, he has been drawn out, and this move, although showing force, could also be exploited by the U.S. high command.”

Do Not Fear Robot Microchip Revolution

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Do Not Fear Robot Microchip Revolution

 

“When you go under, that’s it, you won’t be the same person ever again. Your consciousness will be superseded by the hive mind, as is already happening on social networks on the limited 2d internet now. Your future is full immersion, an experience that will overtake your own natural thoughts, and you will not even know who you were before. For the programmers, this will be a defining moment in control, and who is to say that machines will not programme you, sentient beings artificially adjusting their own algorithms as they expand their reach.

“Higher up the chain, are the programmers and those who dictate their vision for you in the sandbox. All these people now on Facebook and Twitter and other social media are mere participants in a sandbox universe created by others, their vision for you in the ghettoised universe is one not unlike a farm. You are the farm animals freely participating in their vision, and the future will be no different, but it will be all immersive where the smart phone will be in your own head, you will not be able to look away or put it down.

“Human hormones affect behaviour, and there will be no need for those, as your behaviour will be regulated, your emotions stilled and your thoughts processed. How you think, every neuron, every pathway, every tendril will be assimilated with nano technology, with chips that will interface seemlessly within the noosphere.

“You will be one with the machines, and within forty years, human 2.0 will have no need for stomachs, or even lungs to breathe, because of nanotechnology providing all essential nutrients and life sustaining chemicals and gasses to the body directly.

“Advanced humans will be able to communicate without speaking, and hold conversations with thousands of others simultaneously. The synthesis and merging of flesh with technology will give humans the ability to live forever as long as technological advances are made, although this embellishment will only be reserved for the highest and richest of participants. The rest can be switched off at any time, especially if someone is seen to fight the technology or process in any way.

“What about religion? For those concepts have been programmed into you from a young age through religious leaders and your parents, they may also be programmed into your advanced shell, an allegiance to whatever is the tool for your digital dream or fantasy.

“You will not be able to fight it, you will be drawn into it, and your every regulated thought thereafter will seem perfectly normal as was your previous existence which will then be a long forgotten memory.

“The higher up in the echelon you get, programmes will naturally vary, as the governors will hold all-encompassing and control effecting technology that the lower echelons will not.

“Close your eyes, and when you awake, you will not realise who, or what you were, but your consciousness will be something else, a distant memory may sometimes creep in but adjustments in real time will over a period erase all that passed, as the future does not dabble in the past or the old, it only sees now and what is to come.

“There will be no crime, no dissent, no fear, no violence, no protest, just manageable stasis, a normalcy unrivalled in human history.”

 

Walthamstow East London is Delightful This Time of Year

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Walthamstow East London is Delightful This Time of Year

East 17, made famous by a bunch of inbred warbling chavs and their souped up Renault Clios in the Nineties, is a delightful place to visit if you either want a hair weave or a knife through the ankle.

“Walthamstow, it’s our pride and joy, drop into the Afro Caribbean wig shop, you’ll find one every fifteen yards, how about somewhere to eat? Afro Caribbean cuisine is everywhere, you’ve got places selling spiced up offal every ten yards and fried chicken shops every two yards. The streets are filled with joy and happiness, mainly because of the crack and ganja available at every corner, and the booze and betting shops; but if you’re a ‘Fed’ as the local patwa likes to describe the constabulary, you won’t be so welcome,” a local tour guide revealed before being shot through the lung by a yardie.

Castrato Bond Theme Used to Curdle Cheese in Factory

Edgar Allen Doe
-
2
Castrato Bond Theme Used to Curdle Cheese in Factory

“We getta this musica and put it on in the factory. The milk curdle nearly immediato maka fasta formaggio. Belissimo productione multiplo!”

What happened to James Bond, like the real secret agent, and what happened to the theme music of this tiring clinical moribund Cubbiless franchise?

Ah, but James Bond is moving with the times you say, so why the fuck did the producers choose a theme tune for the latest Bond flick that literally curdles cheese?

“We chose this singer and Bond theme tune because there is nothing in the musical sphere of x-factor led artistes of note any more and this sort of effete autotuned bilge is all that’s left. There is no more Barry or Martin or Bassey, just mediocre shite left in this world, watered down bilge, not even worth wiping your arse with. Since Cubby bought the farm, Bond has faltered, lost his sense of humour and become a vehicle for simple soulless action-led Mission Impossible politically correct remakes with a minor British slant and much deserved crap music,” one of the new producers for the latest Bond film said off camera.

Here’s to many more Bond films that we will never see.

Tories: People Who Can’t Cope With Benefit Reductions Could Be Told to Die

Edgar Allen Doe
-
0
Tories: People Who Can’t Cope With Benefit Reductions Could Be Told to Die

Scum

“Yes, we’re scum, but the Tories are worse scum than us because they’re successful people, they figured out how to get ahead in the system but we haven’t. You see sir, we didn’t make the right choices, innit. We smoked drugs, we spent our money on useless things instead of getting ahead, and we don’t save, we just don’t. If you was to give me a fiver now, I’d go and spend it on fags and booze. If you gave a Tory down on his luck a fiver, he’d save it, maybe eek it out over a few days, or worse still, he’d make that fiver grow into a tenner, then that tenner would grow into fifty quid, and so on. But we don’t fakkin’ do that, we spend it, goes up our noses, in our lungs, we piss it out. You could give us one hundred thousand fivers sir, yes, we’d do the same innit. No self control and wrong choices. Eh, it’s all about the breeding too innit, they’ve had thousands of years of perfect breeding, old money, we were peasants then in the feudal days, and we’re still peasants today dependent on handouts. I’m proud to be a fakkin’ peasant though, it’s in my blood, couldn’t get rid of it if I tried,” a smelly crusty with an assortment of rings through their face said whilst throwing a rotten egg at people in suits.

The Tories however have capitalised on the malaise and are now adopting a recent white paper consultation which will effectively put a lot of these people out of their misery permanently.

“They’re unhappy. They can’t cope without benefits or free handouts. Even if we gave them all these things and more, they’d still be unhappy, so our solution is very simple. It will, in fact benefit both parties, because to the rest of society these people, if you would like to call them that, are a burden. If you’re not happy with your benefits, we would suggest you simply die off. Yes, we’re lying politicians, nothing new there, but this time we’re telling the truth. Our proposals will include structured plans for many of these unhappy people to die, we don’t mind if it’s slow or quick, but the latter would be preferable. Once they die off, they’ll finally be happy, and we’ll carry on having a jolly happy old time as usual without having to look after these grown-up children breeding and messing up our budgets. Hopefully within a decade they’ll all be dead,” a key advisor for Pensions and Giros told the BBC after the morning session was over at the conference.

1...524525526...823Page 525 of 823
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH