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Tories: People Who Can’t Cope With Benefit Reductions Could Be Told to Die

MANCHESTER - England - We're here at the Conservative conference in Manchester, and amongst the thronging crowds of anti-benefit reduction people there seems to be a general malaise, almost a stench of death as the rotten eggs fly and the spittle froths from the foul mouthed scum hurling anti-tories assembled.

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“Yes, we’re scum, but the Tories are worse scum than us because they’re successful people, they figured out how to get ahead in the system but we haven’t. You see sir, we didn’t make the right choices, innit. We smoked drugs, we spent our money on useless things instead of getting ahead, and we don’t save, we just don’t. If you was to give me a fiver now, I’d go and spend it on fags and booze. If you gave a Tory down on his luck a fiver, he’d save it, maybe eek it out over a few days, or worse still, he’d make that fiver grow into a tenner, then that tenner would grow into fifty quid, and so on. But we don’t fakkin’ do that, we spend it, goes up our noses, in our lungs, we piss it out. You could give us one hundred thousand fivers sir, yes, we’d do the same innit. No self control and wrong choices. Eh, it’s all about the breeding too innit, they’ve had thousands of years of perfect breeding, old money, we were peasants then in the feudal days, and we’re still peasants today dependent on handouts. I’m proud to be a fakkin’ peasant though, it’s in my blood, couldn’t get rid of it if I tried,” a smelly crusty with an assortment of rings through their face said whilst throwing a rotten egg at people in suits.

The Tories however have capitalised on the malaise and are now adopting a recent white paper consultation which will effectively put a lot of these people out of their misery permanently.

“They’re unhappy. They can’t cope without benefits or free handouts. Even if we gave them all these things and more, they’d still be unhappy, so our solution is very simple. It will, in fact benefit both parties, because to the rest of society these people, if you would like to call them that, are a burden. If you’re not happy with your benefits, we would suggest you simply die off. Yes, we’re lying politicians, nothing new there, but this time we’re telling the truth. Our proposals will include structured plans for many of these unhappy people to die, we don’t mind if it’s slow or quick, but the latter would be preferable. Once they die off, they’ll finally be happy, and we’ll carry on having a jolly happy old time as usual without having to look after these grown-up children breeding and messing up our budgets. Hopefully within a decade they’ll all be dead,” a key advisor for Pensions and Giros told the BBC after the morning session was over at the conference.

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