EU taxpayers have been solidly shafted by the Greeks once again as weak bureaucrats capitulated to another free money gift to Greece.
On top of the 350 Billion debt already owed, another 86 Billion euros will be released on Thursday to great fanfare.
“We did it again, and in two months time we will rinse and repeat, and so on, ad infinitum. Shit, it beats working for a living,” a jubilant Greek Syriza minister told local news.
Most Greeks are unaware of any hardship and are living the good life
Taxpayers within the EU have been told by their respective governments to work harder to provide for the Greek permanent holiday.
“You must work longer hours on less pay so that you can provide free money to Greece. Remember that Greeks retire at 45 on full pensions, whereas in Northern Europe people work to 65 and beyond. We are changing the system now so you won’t retire at all, just work until you drop dead. Remember, it is for a good cause, the Greeks deserve to live a privileged lifestyle off your dumb back because they do not pay tax, but you do. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, because you’re a coward, a spineless pleb,” an EU announcement to European countries broadcast on all networks yesterday.
All across Greece there were cheers of delight as the free money train resumed its inevitable journey.
“I’ve had seven holidays this year, and I was worried I might have to curtail the eighth but thanks to the EU I am now packing my bags again. This time I’m off to the Bahamas for a six week all expenses paid holiday thanks to EU taxpayers. I have also bought another Porsche and Ferrari. Thank you you filthy malakas, ha hah!” Nikos Katsamounaras, a Greek farmer told the Kathemirini newspaper.
As another 86 Billion euros is delivered to Greece, massive capital flight is also resuming.
“We’re poor, because our money is in Switzerland, Cayman islands and all sorts of places away from prying eyes. When they make these EU money deliveries, top boys have first pick, the money is then quickly removed from Greece and into our bank accounts abroad. Of course, we are poor in Greece, and you will see that when we ask for bailout five, six, seven and eight,” another celebratory Greek told local news stations.
Sports cars line a street in a Greek town
Luxury car sales have spiked on the news of more money being released by the EU, and in one town a man was cheered as he drove down the main street in his new top of the range Mercedes whilst being registered blind, a useful trick if you want to receive extra money for disabilities from the EU.
Greece has done it again. One can feel the palpable excitement emanating from a place with joyous abandon and celebratory gusto.
“Look at the streets here, we are crying with joy. EU free money train is back. We got them by the balls, eh is that right Schaubles, we got you by the Goebels, you tried to stop the money, but we’re getting more free stuff. Who says socialism does not work? It works very well. Germany Nil Greece 5, that’s the final score. Germans got fucked!” a cheering man shouted, and shouted during another dizzying celebration in Athens.
Chinese officials traced the source of the explosion to a warehouse worker who had just eaten from a can of imported baked beans.
CCTV images from the area were analysed and show the worker stealing a can of beans from a shipment container, then tucking in. The Chinese are not used to the British delicacy and the man is seen rolling on the ground rubbing his belly after consuming the delightful feast, then bending over and letting one rip.
An audio capture of the Chinese baked bean fart was recorded before the raw methane gas caused a chain reaction with other explosive chemicals in the warehouse.
“It was a big fart and a stinker. It blew the top off a barrel containing deadly chemicals destined for Chinese food processing factories, and then Bo-o-o-o-o-m!” one official revealed on condition of anonymity.
Police officers saved the man from certain death as he was set upon by packs of blacklivesmatter protesters.
Officer Dean Richards told local news that the man was so badly beaten he could not even walk any more.
“We saw one man, he held up a banner with hash tag alllivesmatter. Immediately the blacklivesmatter packs of ‘young people’ surrounded him and started beating him. Police officers tried to get to him earlier but were held back by more mobs, some even swinging from lamp posts and throwing rocks at officers. After five minutes we reached the man who appeared to have multiple injuries including severe head wounds,” Officer Richards reported.
The injured man has since been taken to an area hospital where his current condition is not known.
Today, we are proud to present such a story. From now on no one will ever hear about the Kardashians, the awful family that plagued the world with their inane, banal existence for so long.
Everything has been erased, that family’s awful name is history, all news outlets around the globe have deleted every morsel of the name from their networks, magazines, reports and all forms of media.
The family themselves were jettisoned into space today imprisoned in a shuttle that will travel the galaxy or hopefully into an asteroid belt somewhere near Alpha Centauri.
Banishing such a horrible clan of useless, greedy, feckless brain dead morons can only be good for humanity, and many cheered as the shuttle lifted off from Cape Canaveral on Tuesday.
“To think these parasites, useless pieces of garbage were on all forms of media for so long is like a case of cancer on the human race. They were like a cancerous tumour feeding off human existence, today I feel joy in my heart, and finally some respite now they have gone; like I can actually breathe again. To say I hated them is an understatement, I would rather eat crushed glass than listen or see another dumbed down report of one of them and their vacuous shallow lives. Travel through space, please never come back, let’s hope they run out of air or Kim’s fat ass implants explode blowing a hole in the fuselage and sucking the lot into a black hole,” Arthur Willis, one of the mission control engineers told CNN.
According to estimates, the oxygen supply will only last for six days. Those who were worried at the cost of launching the vile family into space need not be concerned as NASA used a decommissioned shuttle that was destined for the scrap heap any way.
All across the globe, fires have been burning as millions of people purge the earth of any mention of the horrible family that plagued so many. Computer hard disks were smashed, news outlets shredded thousands of documents, and all merchandise pulverised then incinerated.
Search engines across the internet have been sweeping all sites and deleting all mention of the family, but this may take some time as the infection has been so prevalent.
The money the horrible family amassed through their evil trickery, spam, and contagion has also been put to good use.
“We took all their money which they acquired by basically spamming everything. That money is going to be used to help starving children in the world, it’s going to be put to good use. They certainly would not do such a thing, but we are,” Angelina Dolly, a representative of the UN revealed at a press conference immediately after the launch into space.
“I couldn’t have said those bad things against women because I’m actually a woman myself. I’m in the later stages of transition,” Donald Trump told his followers today.
“Do you think I don’t know what it’s like to bleed? Every month I stick a rag up there, you know, my nose and I have a big ol’ bleed session. Women need to understand, I’m a bleeder like they are,” Trump told Megyn Kelly from the women’s rest room during a campaign interview later to be aired on Fox.
Reporter Alvarez Gomez, for the Hispanic News Network, asked the presidential hopeful whether he has had the full ‘chop’ yet?
“That’s coming. In my life I don’t do anything by halves, I go the whole goddamn way. They’re gonna take my weiner and scrote and put it in a waste basket or something. I’m going the whole way dammit, no expense spared, and I’m going to be the first trans president. Michelle Obama came up to me the other day, you know what she said? She told me she was proud of me. You know what that’s like, to have the first male FLOTUS telling you you’re one of the girls now? Dang, the rest of the day they had to pull me down from the ceiling, I was floating so high!”
“Bruce came in the other day and said he wants to run for president. I said, wow Bruce that’s amazing. Why don’t you show Trump where it’s at?” Jenner’s campaign manager, Lana Del Ponte, told CBS.
Campaigning has already started for the new Republican candidate and Jenner has been seen around Los Angeles with his campaign crew and supporters.
“I’m voting Bruce because he’s the only Republican candidate that can stand up to Hillary. We need a real man to show these women how to do things right,” Dave Cominski, 48, a Bruce Jenner supporter told news outlets at a Beverly Hills fund raising event on Saturday.
Much like the European Union’s Schengen policy, America’s Obama has opened up the US borders too allowing poor South Americans free passage into once protected lands.
“Our policy is quite simple. The borders we once sealed off are now open. This is simply a form of cultural and economic warfare on nationalism, which is the greatest threat to globalisation.
“You will learn to share with the Third World whether you like it or not. Your children will be put into classes with many who cannot speak your language, the streets will become alien to you, the languages spoken will not be your mother tongue. We are forcing you, the previously privileged and protected Westerner to give up your jobs, your homes and your children’s schools for the cause of globalisation.
“It won’t just be your complete way of life that will deteriorate, but you will also see your wealth disappear as the invaded governments are forced to redirect funds to deal with the insurgency and businesses close.
“Your house price will begin to fall, as the street you once lived in so comfortably is swarmed and trashed, your food prices will rise as demand increases, and you must forget about ambulances, medical treatment will be only for the ones at the very highest rung of society. The speedy unregulated increase in population numbers will mean there will be medicinal shortages, more people, less to go around.
“What you are witnessing is globalisation. There is nothing to fear. You cannot do anything about it, as these orders come from the highest echelons. You look down you see the swarms of disenchanted, you look up you see the trails in the sky that never seem to go away, in short you are being medicated to accept your fate, to be compliant as processes of change are occurring around you that you cannot and do not want to understand. Obey!
“The mass migration into Western nations will thus be tolerated and what’s more, it won’t matter if there is limited land mass to house the migration, there is always a way to house millions and millions of extra people in tight spaces.”
Feminist researcher Angela Mann claims in her new book that Jack the Ripper is a sexist description of the Victorian mass killer, a remnant of the patriarchal society of Victorian England, she also claims to have found the true identity of Jack the Ripper.
“Jackie the Ripper was angry that these women were prostituting themselves, she butchered them, and then got it blamed on a bloke for a century,” Ms Mann told people at a book signing in Shoreditch.
For over a hundred years now it has been claimed that Jack the Ripper was a man, but this sexist theory has been violently turned on its head by Jackie the Ripper.
“Jackie the Ripper wore a dress hiding the weapons she used to kill the prostitutes with. She was as good at gutting people as a man, and just because she was a woman, does not mean she could not commit those horrific murders as well as a man could. In fact, Jackie the Ripper was around when the Suffragettes were in their infancy, and I would say that Jackie was the world’s first feminist,” Mann writes in her book.
The Daily Mail has bought the rights for the book to be serialised in a ten week series and book sales have rocketed.
‘Jackie the Ripper, a tale of Victorian Feminism’ is currently number one on the bestsellers list.
Up first was Stumpy, he doesn’t have any legs but can swing a bat slightly and he croaks like a toad when he’s annoyed. LBW and he’s off.
Next came Skippy, he’s a kangaroo and can only jump up and down, sometimes dinking the ball outside off with his swishy tail. Generally, he just likes to eat grass.
18.3
Then came Matilda, waltzing to the left, to the right, fresh out of the billabong, he slogs a blinder going hard at the ball inside edge but falls foul at the third slip just short of what he thought was a coolibah tree, which in reality was an oak.
Billy the sheep farmer didn’t fare any better by cocking one off the splice fresh out of the dip and into the wide open pen.
Won’t go into the rest but what a moment for Stuart Broad and England.
