17.7 C
London
Friday, November 6, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 524

Experts: The British Government is Not a Government If It Cannot Make Its Own Laws

0

 

Why does the British government have to ask permission to do anything?

If this is the case, and the British government cannot do anything without permission from others, it is NOT a government.

government
noun
noun: government; plural noun: governments
  1. the group of people with the authority to govern a country or state; a particular ministry in office.

The British ‘government’ therefore under the current EU regime is not a sovereign government and cannot make its own laws, it cannot therefore govern, and is merely a symbolic organisation of people with NO power to run their own affairs.

David Cameron is therefore NOT a prime minister and there are no members of parliament in the House of Commons, simply because they cannot exercise their own laws or directives.

Until the day comes when Britain can make its own governing decisions there is NO current government in power today in the United Kingdom.

Strictly Jungle Factor Just a Symptom of War?

0

Bread and circuses, is that it? When times are shitty they give us Strictly or put some non-entities into a jungle or they bring out block head Cowell to exploit mentally ill teenagers who want to be the next big ‘fing’.

Why is it that whenever there’s some sort of war on in the Middle East or terror alerts, they put this mindless crap on TV? If you posit the argument that it is pure escapism, that is wrong, because escapism should be enjoyable and not torture.

How is this entertainment? Watching some narcissistic Strictly poseur prancing around a stage in a camp manner and enduring the indignity of being graded like some Crufts poodle? At what level of ‘entertainment’ does one acquire a revolver from a dodgy bloke in a pub and put it against their own cranium.

But what else is there to watch on the telly these days? Switch the fucking channel and get a bunch of z-listers in a jungle being forced to eat spiders and shit into buckets. How low do the celebuturds want to go? It seems so low that all self respect, dignity or decorum are completely amiss.

Switch the channel and get X-factor or whatever it’s called. Simon Cowell comes on with his circus of inequity, the banal talentless pieces of detritus not fit for any purpose but a one way trip to a glue factory are judged by equally talentless money-grabbing suckers of satan’s cock.

This, ladies and gentleman is not entertainment, it is torture, it is crud of the highest order, puerile pestilence and you the audience lap it up because you have no idea about quality of entertainment. Is that it? Why on earth would an audience favour this shit, when it would be preferable to be tortured by a thousand cuts by some Chinese chap from the 19th century?

Conclusion: The audience is to blame purely on the basis that they watch this crap.

Latest American Stealth destroyer Might As Well Have a Big Target On the Side

0

“We call it the Lego ship because it resembles..er..you know a kid that built a ship out of Lego,” Admiral Barnwall Sturmer, told the Navy Times.

Billed as a stealth destroyer invisible to radar, the ship can be seen from miles away with a $2.99 pair of binoculars from Walmart.

“You can see this ship from space it stands out so much. Hell it has massive sheet metal sides easy for targeting. All you need is a few missiles slamming into the side and it’s toast,” a nervous Navy sailor said as he boarded the ship for the first time.

The Russians were asked to comment on the ship on Monday, but all that was heard were cackles of laughter and guffawing.

Priced at $4.4 billion it’s just another death trap piece of floating sardine can junk that would see the seabed as soon as a war broke out.

Ireland Sinks Under the Waves Torrents of Rain Apocalypse Disaster

0

The Emerald Isle is sadly now under 30 feet of water.

The sad news was relayed by reporters just before a wall of water standing 300 feet high swept over Ireland and rains thundered down through the black clouds.

Apocalypse

“Those who had boats are still floating in the Irish sea. It was every man, woman, and child for themselves. The devastation is so awful that I’m blubbing like a little baby right now telling you this. Aaargh!” a report relayed from the area just before disaster hit.

Rescuers are appealing to anyone who has a boat or rubber dinghy to assist in helping the evacuation of many swimming or stranded in the Irish sea over what used to be Ireland.

Please call: RESCUE IRELAND 09789 48755 578493 (Calls cost £34,569/minute)

 

Putin Drinks Glass of Polonium Every Day

0

 

According to Russian sources, including the president’s personal chamber maid, he drinks a glass of polonium each morning with his breakfast.

“I deliver the glass to our Tsar in a lead lined box. He then drinks it down in one. Afterwards, I have to take the empty glass to a special area where it is sealed and disposed of with other nuclear waste,” Svetlana Babushka, told the Tass news agency.

Former FSB agent, Igor Rostov, revealed that over the years of poisoning his dissenters and rivals, Putin slowly grew immune to the effects, and many have tried to poison Putin to no avail.

“We were out in Siberia on a shooting trip when Putin pulled down his trousers and urinated in a lake. By sundown all the wildlife and fish had died and were floating on the lake,” the former friend of Putin, who is now dead, revealed before his death in August.

Jihadist Explodes With Love in Trafalgar Square

0

 

Witnesses say the jihadist started shaking uncontrollably and ripped his coat off whilst reciting words that no one could understand.

“I saw him he looked a bit funny. Then his eyes rolled up in ecstasy and he was blowing kisses at every one. Everyone could feel the love, it was as if sprinkles of multicoloured dust were flying off him, then when he ripped his jacket off we all ran because we thought it was a suicide vest, but it was a t-shirt with a peace sign on it and the word L-O-V-E on it. That’s when he exploded, like a trillion fireworks undulating across the square and sky, a sonic boom where we saw the blast waves ripple through the crowd. Everyone started hugging each other, black, white, whatever, we even saw a rabbi suddenly hug a Muslim man giving him a big smacker on the cheek. Man, that was the most amazing high I ever felt, better than any drug. Shit, I’m still tripping right now,” Miles Brigstow, 28, a student at UCL who was in the square at the time told the BBC.

The Metropolitan Police and bomb squad who attended the scene of the love blast never found any remains of the jihadist apart from a few wisps of glowing embers.

Meanwhile, in Syria, the martyr was denounced as a kook and someone not in tune with the Jihadist cause of hatred.

Crocodiles Seen in Cumbria

0

“It’s that climate change they’ve all been going on about, innit,” Dave Cockermouth, 32, from Cumbria said after wading through what used to be his High Street.

David Attenborough just flew in to the town of Crummock to check out the crocs for a new episode of Planet Earth featuring the flooded croc infested streets of Cumbria.

“Fascinating. We have witnessed about twenty of these crocodiles, possibly the snub nosed Crocodylus cumbriactus. These waters are a perfect environment for them to flourish.”

Luckily no one has been hurt or eaten by the crocs who can grow to a length of 6 feet, but one woman had her Aldi bag snatched by a hungry crocodile who then consumed the contents including a Shepherd’s pie and trifle pudding right in front of the shocked woman.

Brits Advised to Wear Bullet Proof Vests if Visiting California

1

 

Britain’s America Travel Bureau are advising all Britons to wear bullet proof vests, hard hats and if possible hiring bodyguards when visiting California.

“We are advising all travellers to take precautions as the level of gun violence, shootings and terrorism in California is very high. Please read all of our recommendations before even thinking about buying a ticket to that area,” Julie Simmons, a representative of the Bureau told the BBC.

John Tremendes, a tour operator in San Bernardino wants to capitalise on the terror and is offering visitors protection in a hired APC (Armoured Personnel Carrier).

“We got good protection from Muslims. This thing can withstand a direct hit from an RPG (Rocket-Propelled Grenade) as well as most sub machine gun fire. We have turrets and .50 cal gun on top, but that’s optional. Thermal and night vision. We can even pick you up at the airport, and deliver you to your bunker, ahem, I mean hotel.”

Trained bodyguards or mercenaries don’t come cheap though. BlackMamba is an outfit of hardened mercenaries who have seen every combat situation under the sun, to hire a single merc may set you back $15,000 per day but it’s worth it if you and your family keep your lives.

Abel Johnson is offering day trips to Santa Barbara for $16,500 all inclusive including travel to and from the LZ, in a Blackhawk helicopter and armed bodyguards so you can enjoy a stroll by the beach without dying in a hail of bullets.

Erdogan Could Star in Lord of the Rings VII

0

Learning to have a sense of humour is something the Turks are not known for, but it seems the President of Turkey, Erdogan, has accepted the offer from Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson to star in the latest film in the franchise.

“I phoned Erdo the other day and said, listen, you do it so well. Every expression you do on that face of yours is Smeagol, and when you get really greedy we get Gollum. You have to do this. C’mon my precious-s-s-s-s!”

At first Erdoğan said he would jail Jackson for such impropriety and insult, but after waving a few dollars in his face, the president took the bait like a power hungry creature from a dank dark cave.

Lord of the Rings VII will be out in cinemas next year.

The Effect of the Gambling Industry on the UK Economy

 

This has led to a massive emphasis on the supply and demand of this industry as it continues to expand in this sector.

In fact, this industry that’s worth £3bn props up the economy of the UK to a startling degree. Almost every man, woman – but no children – have tried out online gambling in this country in an effort to become millionaires. Gambling in this country is everywhere, from phones to on TV with the National Lottery.

This entertainment factor of these games is highly appreciated by the playing public and just as other countries are obsessed with soccer or baseball, this culture is all about betting. This gives sites the chance to appeal to every demographic, from the young adults betting on sports to the older population seeking out new bingo sites, like luckycowbingo.com. These gambling sites have taken on a culture of their own, with mascots, cartoons and television personalities.

Law enforcement have attempted to quell this black hole of man hours with gambling restrictions but to no avail. This rapidly growing sector is quickly gobbling up every other industry in its path, including mobile and social gaming. Now, almost everything has an element of gambling within it from the lotto to who’s chosen to put the kettle on.

As this all-encompassing beat continues to invade more and more of the social tapestry of the country it takes a more focused will power to stay away from it. With adverts everywhere you look the average consumer is accosted by casino sites at every turn. Bookies on the high street are ten a penny, sites crop up and then close in quick succession and the population has no choice but to claim the offers they boast.

Even social media is a home to these sites, with competitions, questions and friendly interactions on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. There’s no end to the outlets that gamblers can choose from and it’s no wonder that the economy has seen a rise in the amount spent in this sector. Gambling sites now appeal to the sense of frugality that Britain is so stereotypically famous for, offering better deals than their competitors and almost free play.

Gone are the days of reading the newspaper on a bus in this country as these citizens take their gambling mascots everywhere. In pockets, on desktops and at work the population of this country know how to gamble and take great joy in doing so. With forecasts expecting the worth of this sector to increase to £20bn in the next five years the British public won’t be running out of sites soon.