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Corbyn Regurgitates Mush During Labour Conference

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Corbyn Regurgitates Mush During Labour Conference

 

 

 

Comrade Corbyn was speaking about the delightful food at the conference and how the menu is modelled on his five-year plan for the populace when he comes to power. Pity the mush did not quite agree with the comrades palate.

“Comrades, I had the most delightful mush for lunch, and as your leader I eat the same food as you will be eating for the rest of your sorry miserable lives once I become Soviet Britain’s comrade in chief.”

food for the masses
Corbyn’s five year plan will condemn Britons to eating mush as their staple diet

During the speech, the Labour leader was seen convulsing and holding his stomach when steaming hot bubbling mush erupted from his gullet splattering the podium spectacularly.

A smiling commissar immediately rushed to the ailing leader and wiped the foul smelling gunk from his red face.

Bon appetit.

Experts: Social Media Bubble 2.0 Ready For Download

Nathan
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Experts: Social Media Bubble 2.0 Ready For Download

 

Wall Street insiders know that the time is up, and they’re cashing in whatever they can get on the already ailing social media index of stocks. As for the retail traders, they won’t realise something happened until they read it in the next day’s papers and it will already be a far gone conclusion.

Zuck that!

“If I was Zuckerberg I would have cashed in months ago, but it’s probably too late for the chump, especially when he lies back at night thinking about all that money that disappeared down the drain. C’est la vie as they say,” an analyst at some brokerage firm babbled yesterday.

Prepare for some reality on those ridiculous valuations from these data mining operations which have outlived their usefulness.

 

‘Failure of the Cross’ Words by Pope Usher in New Global Era

Nathan
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Let there be peace on earth, a peace that can only be achieved by total unity of all factions of humanity into one group.

“We need to remember that we are followers of Jesus Christ and his life, humanly speaking, ended in failure, the failure of the cross,” the pope was quoted as saying during his appearance in New York at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan for the evening prayer.

Indeed, the cross has had its day, and the spectre of the former Christ must now be viewed as an ultimate failure.

“Pope Francis, this chap is a standup guy. Nationalism and different religious factions are the enemy of global unity, therefore they are to be assimilated into a singular world purpose. We must put the symbol of the cross behind us, and the pope himself acknowledges this task on the to-do list,” a member of a shadow government department relayed yesterday.

 

Hipster East End Cereal Killer Buffet Thwarted by Anarchists

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Hipster East End Cereal Killer Buffet Thwarted by Anarchists

East end hipsters were up in tattooed arms today when one of their shops received a little too much attention, this time from anarchists who don’t find paying £4.50 for a bowl of cereal very funny.

“It’s just the mark up innit. I’m not good at maths or anyfing, but £4.50 for something that is worth less than 12 pence is a huge fakkin’ mark up. What is that, 3650% or something?” one anarchist said whilst tossing some rice krispies into a hipster’s beard.

Anarchists are not known for their financial acumen, however they certainly know when they’re being fleeced by a bunch of gentrificatorial hipster arseholes taking the Mick.

Inspector Colin Bix, who was on the scene, was shocked at the level of violence directed at the Brick Lane hip brigade, who only two minutes before it all kicked off were happily munching away at their overpriced bowls of cereal.

“I’ve seen some things before in my ten years on the force but I’ve never seen an anarchist stuffing a box of Honey Nut Loops up a hipster’s bottom whilst still eating the cereal. We had to have counselling after that one.”

Jeremy Kyle Gets Jeremy Kyled

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If anyone has had the displeasure of watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle where vulnerable and mentally ill benefits people are publicly humiliated and jeered at in front of supposedly morally superior audiences, then our condolences are extended towards you.

Jeremy Kyle, of course, is the supposed epitome of supercilious moral contemptuousness, and it is to this end his wife went and fu**ed a polo player over twenty times according to reports.

Maybe the next Jeremy Kyle show should feature Jeremy Kyle and his soon to be ex-wife.

Volkswagon Vehicles Seen From Space

Nathan
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Volkswagon Vehicles Seen From Space

The International Space Station has released pictures showing Volkswagon cars driving along roads.

“We may be 400 km high in space but we can track the emissions coming from VW vehicles driving along highways, the emission smoke trails are visible from up here,” NASA scientist Alistair McGiver relayed to the control centre via images.

The Expedition 45 crew, including the One-Year Crew duo, worked on a variety of human research to help future crews persevere on longer missions in deep space.

The crew is also getting ready for a pair of international cargo ships departing and arriving next week. Scientists on the ground are exploring how microgravity affects humans living and working in space as NASA prepares for the Journey to Mars.

Astronauts living on the International Space Station for months at a time, including the One-Year Crew, provide excellent subjects for long-term microgravity human research.

The crew today looked at how being in space affects humans’ ability to surf social networks for the Social-X study and documented response activity when unfriended .

Experts: Mass Migration Into West Will Kill Feminism

Nathan
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Experts: Mass Migration Into West Will Kill Feminism

“Feminism is essentially a doctrine for white women, however the estimated migration of over 35 million people into Europe alone within the next few years will almost certainly put a stop to feminism.

“Race centric cultural differences are already rearing their heads in some European countries and with the mainly Muslim influx, feminism is not even considered a reality in Islamic countries and women are looked upon chiefly as home makers for their families — a stark contrast to feminists.

“The whole culture of Europe will irreversibly change within a decade leaving the white privileged feminist doctrine in tatters since the dominant nature of migrant cultures will easily supersede the minority group eventually distinguishing it entirely.

“As these migrant families establish themselves further in their new homes, within ten years feminism will be a distant memory, as their numbers will displace feminists, especially as feminists do not breed, but Muslims do.”

Sepp Blatter Tries to Hand Brown Envelope to Swiss Prosecutor

Nathan
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Sepp Blatter Tries to Hand Brown Envelope to Swiss Prosecutor

“I told him that he is under suspicion of corrupt practices regarding his tenure as FIFA president. He looked around a bit, coughed, and a big brown envelope full of euros popped out of his jacket pocket. He said excuse me, I believe this is yours now, winking,” Kronstein revealed during a preliminary court hearing.

But Blatter did not stop there according to the prosecutor. He kept saying, I get whatever you want, girls, cars, holidays, whatever.

It is not known whether the Swiss prosecutor took the bundle of money, but later on in the day, he was seen driving a Lamborghini Veneno Roadster from the courthouse.

Retired House Speaker John Boehner to Start Rhino Farm in Zimbabwe

Nathan
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“I like rhinos, what can I say. Gonna sit back, chug some rhino milk and watch my flock galloping around on the farm. It’ll remind me of the old days,” Boehner told reporters after announcing his resignation as Speaker.

Before his retirement, the House Speaker made a final gesture to his Democrat friends by extending another debt ceiling deal and inviting the whole of Guatemala into the United States.

“Don’t know if they have rhinos in Guatemala but they got hella lot of poor people so I said why not, let ’em all in,” Boehner added, before letting off a noisy gaseous fart into a crowd of real Republicans.

When the Rothschilds Are Fighting What Hope For Us?

Nathan
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When the Rothschilds Are Fighting What Hope For Us?

According to reports coming from Paris, the Rothschilds are having a little tiff.

They’re part of the same family, with the same name but different strands of the family and all the historical shenanigans that go with that.

Let’s simplify this, finance house Edmond de Rothschild Group is threatening legal action against Rothschild and Co over the use of the Rothschild family name. Benjamin de Rothschild and Ariane de Rothschild who are higher up in the ranking than David de Rothschild do not want a name change of Paris-Orleans to Rothschild and Co. which, if one looks at it, seems to supersede the Edmond de Rothschild Group purely by utilising an all encompassing name.

One lawyer on the scene was quoted as saying: “Frankly I don’t give a damn, as long as they pay me, why should I give a shit. I’m rolling in it here. Wahoo!”

Christmas has obviously come early for some.

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