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World Powers Convene After Brangelina Split

Arnie Kvetch
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World Powers Convene After Brangelina Split

 

Speaking at the UN security council meeting, Ban Ki Moon, the Secretary General was adamant that a solution to the grave problem must be found.

“The world has been torn apart by the news that Brangelina are divorcing. This event is like an earthquake in Hello land and the National Enquirer. Forget about starving refugees in Sudan and Syria, we must solve the Brangelina problem immediately.”

The Russian contingent rose to the occasion by suggesting that the world population may be placated with two blow up dolls of the celebrities besides their menagerie of adopted children.

“We could use blow up dolls, or for Ms Jolie a few sticks tied together with string. No one would know the difference,” Andropov Vladov, Russia’s delegate suggested awkwardly.

The French delegate, Jean Renne Le Chateau, suggested that there should be re-runs of Pitt and Jolie films for the next month on constant loop in all countries. This way, he reasoned, people would actually be put off by the two as their movies were so awful and no one would care any more.

It remains to be seen what the solution is to such a celebrity tragedy as the Brangelina divorce.

Hopefully, it will all blow over in a few minutes and no one will care, the good news is Brad will be able to get a handful of tit soon and maybe Angelina may eat something for the first time in four years.

Milo Yianapapapadopulos Prolapse Shame Live On Talkshow

Arnie Kvetch
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Milo Yianapapapadopulos Prolapse Shame Live On Talkshow

WARNING: Some of the medical descriptions could be upsetting to some readers.

Milo Yianapopoolus has come under increasing scrutiny from the medical profession after having a prolonged anal prolapse during another one of his narcissistic talk shows where he talked about himself at great length amongst goggle-eyed Americans.

Celebrated by dumb Americans

The celebrated ‘right-winger’ styles himself on conservative values yet exhibits completely non-conservative practices in real life.

Speaking after the show, the doctor who attended the Greek lover was overcome by what he had sadly witnessed.

“In this day and age we see a lot of things in our hospitals, especially from gay men who come in with all sorts of paraphernalia stuck up them, however what I saw with this chap should be dealt with in medical journals. All I’m going to say is, it was somehow inside out. A thousand times worse than anything George Michael could have come up with, another Greek love aficionado.”

The American talk show host, Jess Jessup Jessup, was calm at first but noticed some nasty goings-on from the seat where Milo had perched his well-used posterior.

“I noticed some bubbling frothy stuff. Then the smell hit me. It smelled like an abattoir with raw sewage mixed in with the sounds of wind. Farting for these fellows is different to normal people though because their sphincters are so loose, this was the sound of wind going through shutters. Backstage Milo had mentioned just being serviced by a pack of black guys, so I assumed rightly, Milo was having a prolapse right there and then.”

Stitch up

Luckily for the talkative narcissistic dilettante, he was rushed off to hospital with a plastic bag under his bottom. The stitch up operation should take months.

It’s only a matter of time before the poor chap may have to have the whole damn lot removed completely.

Privileged Actress Gives Up Wealth and Status to Live in Afghanistan

Arnie Kvetch
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1
Privileged Actress Gives Up Wealth and Status to Live in Afghanistan

 

 

“I’m not like those other actresses who are all talk and never do anything. This time I’ve given all my money to charity and will live in a tent in Afghanistan because I’m so ashamed of Britain and their stance with refugees,” Ms Carey Mulligan told the Daily Telegraph.

The actress who lives in a £6 million mansion in Highgate, London rarely talks to foreign people and solely hangs around other successful white actors.

“I was in Claridges and this little dark boy came up to me. He spoke some strange language and smelled rather awful. I was astounded at first as I had never encountered a darkie talking to me. I only star in period dramas where everyone’s white. Anyway, I gave the boy a hurried smile before he was thrown out of the building. That night whilst dining at La Gavroche, I felt a pang of guilt, maybe I should have given the boy a few pennies.”

Ms Mulligan further states that Britain needs to invite all the world’s refugees into the country, but not in any neighbourhoods where rich luvvies live.

“We couldn’t possibly have that. Imagine walking out of your mansion and seeing these poor peasants from this or that land walking about. House prices would plummet.”

The sale of her current property is currently going well and Ms Mulligan hopes the Afghans she meets will be pleasant, especially the Taliban.

“I sincerely hope they have something like the Garrick club in Afghanistan. Somewhere, where I can relax and enjoy a few champagne cocktails,” Ms Mulligan, revealed before being chauffeured away in her top of the range Bentley.

Kandahar awaits…

Experts: EU Army (CSDP) Direct Threat to Russia

Arnie Kvetch
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1
Experts: EU Army (CSDP) Direct Threat to Russia

 

 

The Common Security and Defence Policy (CSDP) incorporates a large military structure including the Political and Security Committee (PSC), the European Union Military Committee (EUMC), the Politico-Military Group (PMG), the Crisis Management and Planning Directorate (CMPD) and the European Union Military Staff (EUMS).

All these military departments work under the auspices of the European Defence Agency (EDA) however the dedicated military department of the CSDP will effectively be the fighting force with the joint EU army.

The EU’s StratComm agency reports that the EU Army will hold positions within Western Ukraine on the outer sectors of the EU, and the conclusion for this folly can only be construed as a direct threat to Russia and its borders.

By baiting the Russian bear, the EU military command hope the Russians make the first move justifying their operations in the area.

The highly irresponsible formation of the CSDP circumvents NATO within the European theatre, and could destabilise global peace.

Championed by current EU president, Jean Claude Juncker, and, German Defence Minister Ursula von der Leyen and her French counterpart, Jean-Yves Le Drian, the EU army’s strategic headquarters are to be formed in Brussels.

War preparations are being conducted by the EU, as are the Russians who are building vast nuclear bunkers in the Ural mountains.

Throughout history, France under Napoleon Bonaparte tried to take Russia in 1812, and so did Germany’s Adolf Hitler in 1941. Both were unsuccessful.

Now that Russia has been weakened economically by EU sanctions, the plan for military incursion into the Russian federation is only too close.

Maybe this will be a third time lucky for the Germano-Gallic coalition under an all encompassing EU army incorporating 27 EU states.

The Daily Squib successfully predicted the formation of an EU army in 2012.

Bypass EU: Repeal the 1972 European Communities Act Immediately

Arnie Kvetch
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0
Bypass EU: Repeal the 1972 European Communities Act Immediately

 

 

Britain’s PM is delaying invoking Article 50 but her government can repeal the 1972 European Communities Act immediately.

By doing so, British laws would supersede those of the EU once again.

Magna Carta

For thousands of years Britain has survived without the EU, and by reclaiming some of our own judicial power we can begin to take power back from the parasitical entity of Brussels and the unelected EU Commission.

Regaining some semblance of Britain’s sovereignty and legal system is a first step away from the totalitarian Marxist EU regime.

We must do this NOW

The Colonial Laws Validity Act 1865 must be adhered to in the interests of the safety of Britain’s interests in Gibraltar which is currently coming under increasing threat by Spain.

Because of the Schengen Free Movement zone, Britain is increasingly coming under attack from elements sneaking into Europe across its porous borders. In the interests of national security, it is imperative that the UK takes back control of its borders. Without doing so immediately will increase terrorism within our shores on a par with what is happening in France.

France is an example of a nation that has been severely compromised by its porous borders, where terrorists move arms freely into the country to commit atrocities on the population. Every part of France now is in a state of emergency where they can be attacked at any time at will by those wishing to commit acts of terror.

Every day Britain does not secure its borders, the closer it gets to becoming France

The threat of terrorism from groups like ISIS and Al Qaeda can only be thwarted by securing borders with proper checks and halting EU free movement, until that time, the attacks will continue exponentially.

For the interests of British sovereignty in parliament and law, the United Kingdom must repeal the 1972 European Communities Act immediately and then invoke Article 50 to conclude the exit from the EU.

Terrorist cells

There is no other way to safeguard the nation from the terroristic threats emanating from the Continent.

The Turkish migrant accord with the EU has failed and this year millions have crossed into the EU from Libya and through Russian territories north of Greece which was the preferred entry point in 2015.

Because of a news blackout ordered by Brussels, these massive incursions are not being reported by the mainstream controlled press. Every day thousands of migrants, who may or may not be legitimate refugees are pouring into the EU interspersed with terrorists who are utilising the cover of refuge to infiltrate the European Union.

The Middle East is in a state of war, and the Schengen zone is an invitation for war to come to Europe. The Schengen zone was designed to work only in peace time, of which we are not in at the moment and for some time.

It is imperative that the United Kingdom leaves the EU immediately. Make Britain Great again by giving it back its own sovereignty and judicial system.

Juncker: “Brexit Will Not Protect Britain From EU Army Invasion”

Arnie Kvetch
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Juncker: “Brexit Will Not Protect Britain From EU Army Invasion”

 

 

“We will take Britain one way or another. You can Brexit all you want, but can you hold out against an EU Army so large that we could take the UK in two days? Britain will be our first port of call, then finish Russia once and for all, then anyone else who disagrees with our Imperialistic expansion policies,” the EU president told an open session for the EU Commission on Friday.

The threat of a conscripted army made up of 27 nations converging on Britain is certainly something to think about.

Could our currently depleted underfunded armed forces cope with such an invasion from the EU?

Probably not is the answer from Major General Giles Viceroy.

“Unfortunately, the MoD has been largely depleted under the tenure of Cameron. The Navy has been practically dismantled, and the Air Force is in dire straits. Budget cuts and mass redundancies has seen the British armed forces at their lowest ebb, all thanks to David Cameron.”

Thankfully, there is still some time to prepare for such an eventuality as an EU army invasion on these shores. The current PM has to increase MoD funding by 190% and this way we’d have a fighting chance.

“The British spirit is one that never gives up. We saw off that Hitler chap, Napoleon and the Romans, so we can certainly see off the EU army. Sinking the Eurotunnel would be the first order of the day, but that’s about as much as I’m prepared to give away,” the Major General added.

Once again, Britain has a menacing threat lurking across the Channel waiting for the day to attack us.

We will never surrender Juncker, Never, Never, Never Surrender.

Sarkozy: “We Let the Migrants into France So We Are Liable For Calais Jungle”

Arnie Kvetch
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Sarkozy: “We Let the Migrants into France So We Are Liable For Calais Jungle”

“Due to free movement policies of the EU within the Schengen zone, of which France is a member, migrants can simply walk across any border into Europe from anywhere in the world. Britain is not a member of the Schengen zone so it is not their problem. I would like to apologise profoundly to the British people and government for French stupidity and arrogance. It is our fault, and our mess. We are really sorry and beg for forgiveness for our folly.”

Speaking on the live broadcast on France 2 television he also denied that he is accusing the migrant population of “all evils” insisting there are issues that have to be addressed.

Mr Sarkozy was reacting to questions from members of the public and specifically discussed the issue of the migrant crisis focusing directly on Africa.

And he said migrants should be transported back to Africa so they can be processed to prevent the clog up and further issues caused by the problems at Calais, but EU regulations prevented such actions.

“Once anyone crosses into the EU border they have the right to stay. This is why millions of people from Africa and the Middle East, South East Asia are coming over. The Schengen zone is also a great place for terrorism to flourish, as well as human trafficking and drug running. Welcome to Europe, please all come to France, you are all welcome mes amis,” Sarkozy added.

EU: “Jump!” Theresa May: “How High?”

Arnie Kvetch
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0
EU: “Jump!” Theresa May: “How High?”

 

 

What more reason does Theresa May have to implement Article 50 to complete the mandate of the people of the United Kingdom?

Let us not forget that the majority of people in Britain voted to leave the EU in the EU referendum conducted on June 23 2016.

Since that wonderful day there has only been delaying tactics, and the instatement of Theresa May, a Remain campaigner into office has seen even more delaying tactics.

It’s That Article 50 Time

Article 50 must be triggered now. We must trigger Article 50 immediately and there must be no traitorous treachery from the infiltrated crony warehouse: the House of Lords, or from the remaining Remoaners who are predominantly stalwart Marxists.

Trade negotiations will fall into place as they are already doing. As for the Single Market, or what used to be called the Common Market, Britain must reject it because the four tenets required include free movement of people which is unusable with an EU that has porous Schengen zone borders, and this is why many people voted to get out of the EU on June 23.

We Must Invoke Article 50 Now

Free movement of people in the EU is a blight on Britain and has filled our streets with beggars, Romanian gypsies and whoever else simply walked into Europe. It has increased the government’s welfare bill hundredfold, furthermore, the NHS is on its last legs and will have to start charging people soon for medical aid.

Britain is full to the brim, and its roads, designed for the horse and cart, are stuck in permanent traffic.

The overcrowded schools where some children have to sit in a class of fifty, and our hospital beds where to get one if you are dying is a luxury, is a disgrace to the tenets of decency.

Article 50

Public transport is a mess especially in London, where people are crammed into carriages coughing and spluttering, the smell of death hangs over the whole transport system.

Overcrowded jobs market, and the jobs, underpriced by migrants and EU grafters who come here, get paid a pittance and send the money home. EU migrants do not benefit Britain as much of their pay is sent immediately to their homelands, as well as their child benefits to their children abroad.

Invoke Article 50 Now

Romanian kingpins and their grotesque mansions are popping up all over the place, all paid for by tax credits and imaginary children. Forged documents are too easy to come by, and these criminals are receiving £5,000 per month from UK benefits.

Did We Mention Article 50?

We must invoke article 50 right now if Britain is to be saved from this dire mess. Do it! Do it now! This is a matter of grave urgency.

Theresa May has to stand by her word to invoke article 50, to get us out of the EU once and for all.

Do it now press the button.

NOW

EU Army: Daily Squib Accurately Predicted Today’s News in 2012

Arnie Kvetch
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0
EU Army: Daily Squib Accurately Predicted Today’s News in 2012

Sure, people laugh at our stories sometimes, or maybe cry more likely, or just skip to some banal website where one does not have to think, but it is true to say that we predict the future in more ways than one.

Our motto here at the Squib is ‘Fuck it’ if it comes into our brains from some heavenly muse it must be okay.

And so when no one was talking about the EU army in 2012, we were, and no one even considered such a thing to be possible, all the poo pooing is finally coming around. Today’s news that the EU army is being finalised and will be an agitant to Russia, is vindicating but leaves a slight sour taste in one’s palate.

The Squib may be ignored by all media entities and corporate organisations peddling their shallow lies daily but even though we’re predominantly satirical we hit the bulls eye more than they do. We like meat and potatoes, and we also like to dig right through to the bone.

If one wishes for a glimpse into the future, satire can be a prophetic tool – purely because however outlandish some of our stories are, we are living in times where the crazy can indeed come true.

Satire is also a vehicle to convey truth more deeply than any media broadcasting company around today, what they state as fact is usually not the case but some statistic fed to them from a governmental office somewhere with usually skewed results.

There are no algorithms for our brand of satire, and that’s why we fall foul of the Americanised politically correct companies who have taken over the internet and its operation, naming no names.

As for the Remoaners, it is sort of a shame that we may one day Brexit, because it would have been so nice to see you lot conscripted into Juncker’s EU army and have your legs blown off at the knee. How much would you like the EU then?

So, we predicted the EU army in 2012. Where’s our fucking medal? You say there’s no medal for predictions? Aww..shucks..

Angela Merkel Calls For Creation Of A ‘True European Army’ Nov 13, 2018

The Right Candidate: Hardcore Hillary Even Campaigned With Pneumonia

Arnie Kvetch
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0
The Right Candidate: Hardcore Hillary Even Campaigned With Pneumonia

 

 

You want the stats, the evidence, the real deal, here is a woman who had severe pneumonia which frickin’ kills people campaigning, doing tours, doing speeches.

If that ain’t a show of strength what the hell is there? Hillary Clinton kept on going even though she was severely sick, and this is the test of true presidential grit and determination.

If Trump stubs his toe, or even catches a cold he’s out for the count. Hillary is the real mettle, the real deal and she needs to be applauded for her dedication to office and the United States of America.

America needs strength right now, and it needs strength done in the right way, not wrong way. Hillary is the right person because she has a calculated strength as well as experience in dealing with people in office and on the world stage. Trump knows shit. He is a loudmouth, uncouth jibber jabberer who is all talk and no action, his obese fat body blubbering away while his fat mouth spouts nonsense and truly dumb rhetoric.

You want an adult or a kid as president? Because voting for Trump will get you an irrational psychotic 11-year-old girl as president, but voting for Hillary will get you an adult, who knows how things work, and knows what needs to be done in a cool calculated manner without creating mayhem and total chaos.

You want to live vote Hillary. You want to die vote Trump. He’ll send your kids over to the Middle East to get their legs blown off. That’s guaranteed.

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