Sometimes we have gems served up to us at the Squib out of nowhere, with satirical titles that WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF FIRST! The above headline ‘Coronavirus Conference Cancelled Due to Coronavirus’ was deemed beyond satire.
Today, we fired one of our writers because he did not come up with the title himself. He is now unemployed, and relaxing under Waterloo bridge in a cardboard box (where all Squib satirists go after retirement) — such are the benefits of a satirist. We don’t give millions of pounds in golden handshakes like banking corporations for failure, penniless satirists are just thrown the fuck out without a penny to their name, and that’s the brittle end of the shit stick.
This satirical headline was spotted in of all places — the Daily Mail, a newspaper that is so over the top that it is extremely hard to satirise because it is beyond the pale of satire itself (especially the ‘sidebar of shame‘ on the right). Things have somewhat tempered since the ejection of Dacre.
Excerpt:
Coronavirus conference is canceled due to… Coronavirus
A conference to discuss the impact of coronavirus on business in the US has been cancelled – because of a sudden rise in infections in New York.
The roundtable, called Doing Business Under Coronavirus, was canned after 173 cases of the infection were confirmed in the east coast city, where the conference was supposed to be held on Friday.
BONUS BEYOND SATIRE HEADLINE – ‘Islamic Scholar Who Said Coronavirus Was “Allah’s Punishment” Gets Coronavirus’
A prominent Iraqi Shia scholar has been diagnosed with the novel coronavirus, his office confirmed earlier this week. SOURCE
If any other Beyond Satire headlines or stories are discovered by a reader, please send in the incriminating evidence to : editorial (at) www.dailysquib.co.uk and you will get a mention.
Health Minister, Nadine Dorries, who never wore a proper N95 mask, has reassured the hundreds of other MPs and government workers she may have infected with the deadly COVID-19 virus that ‘everything is okay, and there is nothing to worry about’.
Dorries, 62, a former nurse, attended a Downing Street event hosted by the prime minister last Thursday and mingled with hundreds of MPs, and the PM himself whilst suffering from the deadly airborne pathogen.
“Please carry on as if everything is normal, there is no need to worry, simply wash your hands as this will prevent the airborne virus from going in your nose, mouth and eyes.,” Ms Dorries said coughing violently into a bucket.
The advice from government is that full face masks are useless against the virus, and all one needs to do is to first have a cup of tea, and then wash your hands, thus keeping you totally safe from the virus in the air.
“If in doubt, first have a cup of tea, stiffen the lip, and wash your hands with soap,” one minister who is probably infected told the public.
Due to the importance of keeping the economy going over the health of the British public, super spreaders like children in crowded schools will be allowed to spread the COVID-19 virus far and wide infecting millions on public transport.
“We will not close schools because the economy is more important than spreading the fatal virus further into the British population,” another minister quipped coughing harshly into the face of a reporter.
The tragedy of the final appearance of the former prince, Harry and the woman he naively followed out of the royal family, resembles a tragic play worthy of Shakespeare or an operatic masterpiece from another era.
Will Harry ever forgive this odious power mad manipulative commoner who ruined his royalty, who put a stain on his image that will probably never be removed? Meghan, with her constant gleeful fake smile parades her power over the lowly, weak, Harry with a commanding authority much like a pig farmer parades their prize breed boar through the stalls of an auction house.
Harry’s life will from now on be a sad shadow of his previous one, and it’s all down to the emasculating, vindictive monster he has been fooled into mating with. Nothing to lose Meghan gained everything while Harry, who had so much, gave up everything, for little or no return.
One royal fan from the crowd observing, quipped, “Be careful with whom you stick your winky into ‘arry, for it can affect your whole life, drastically for the worse, as you’re seeing now. The initial buzz of the first time lust always dies down.”
“Meghan and her Croydon facelift does not care about Archie, otherwise she would have brought him along on the trip to England for the final appearance, and she vindictively used the child’s absence as a way of punishing Her Majesty, the Queen. Withholding grandchildren to punish, is an oft used technique by parents with a stick to whack,” one angry woman said from the sidelines of the abbey.
The look of love, Meghan fawns over another man.
The service at Westminster Abbey in honour of the Commonwealth was most certainly marred by the antics and idiosyncrasies of the Firm, something well documented over the decades.
In years to come, or maybe sooner, Harry will resent this woman who took him away from his beloved army mates, his brother, from his country, and from his family, and from the sprawling palaces, the shooting grounds, the rolling hills of England, the Pomp and Circumstance, gone now, a distant memory with only vast straight grid roads and fast food restaurants to look at in his new environs.
Harry, always the runt of the litter, had a reprieve from his status before he met Meghan, and was hugely popular with the public, but now he is back to being the runt, and of course, he is now married/imprisoned to a grand – – – -!
According to research, more than 50% of search queries will be performed by voice by the end of 2020. Furthermore, voice presence will become a strategic differentiator for large companies.
Rustam Gilfanov, co-founder of an international IT company and investor, elaborates on how voice technologies will develop in the future.
Voice technologies development
To date, we have always been printing text if we wanted to find something on the Internet. On average, people can speak 125 to 150 words per minute. This is three times faster than the average print speed.
“It is clear that voice search will someday dominate the online search. Voice queries are convenient and simple; it’s more natural for people to speak than to print,” says Rustam Gilfanov.
According to Google statistics, 58% of consumers have been using voice search to find local companies. This, in turn, provides a wide variety of opportunities for smaller companies, particularly miniature coffee shops and flower shops.
“I believe we will very soon see how voice SEO marketing operates. Most text queries normally contain one to three words, with four to six words being the usual volume of a voice query. Voice queries, therefore, provide more ‘hints’ necessary for understanding customer needs,” explains Rustam Gilfanov.
Many brands include voice search in their digital marketing strategies to communicate effectively with their customers. According to Just AI, businesses are already opting for artificial intelligence-based chatbots over scripting ones. This is a strategically grounded solution for a customer-centric business.
Another significant element in promoting voice search is the development of artificial intelligence. In fact, voice search and other innovations we use today are based on speech recognition.
What will voice assistants be capable of in the near future? Real-time translations from foreign languages would be an example. We will receive personalized solutions based on our preferences. Voices will become more human-like; they will learn to adapt to our context and even mood.
Gilfanov notes: “Efficiency is one of the main reasons why people are opting for voice search.”
The voice search technology allows them to work in a multitasking mode, which was previously impossible to imagine. This new multitasking ability in itself generates new patterns in human behaviour. For instance, many USA-based users of voice search devices have a habit of asking for a brief announcement of the day’s scheduled activities and meetings in the morning.
I am sure that 2020 is shaping up to be a big year for the development of voice technology and for changing our digital experience.
Brief biographical note
Rustam Gilfanov
Rustam Gilfanov is a co-founder of an IT-company, IT-businessman, and an international investor.
Rustam Gilfanov was born on January 6, 1983, in a small village of Basim, Perm region, to a family of a military man and a teacher.
In 2006, Rustam Gilfanov together with his partners opened an international outsourcing IT company in Kyiv. Today, this company is a major developer of software for the game industry, marketing, and finance.
A few years ago, Gilfanov stepped back from his operational activities in his IT company to focus on international investment in promising IT projects in the areas of financial technologies, gambling, and streaming video.
Rustam Gilfanov also considers it important to develop his charitable projects in Ukraine, the largest of which are “LakiBuks” and “Maybutnyogo Libraries.”
Rustam Gilfanov is married and raising a daughter.
Prepare for your pension to be as valuable as a packet of ready salted crisps. The massive plunge in the stock market this month and especially today is just the beginning of a tumultuous ride down.
You’ve been paying into your pension pot thousands of pounds or dollars since you started working, the thing is will you need a pension when society falls, and money is worthless? Public order after months of quarantine will eventually fail, and economies around the world will be in ruins. The only commodity will be food, water and weapons.
“If you haven’t sold off already you’re a fucking idiot. There will be slight moves up following today’s precipitous fall of over 8% but those little blips will be nothing to the torrent of stocks falling,” a broker for Bastard and Bastard Commodities and Securities told Bloomberg Finance.
Due to the West’s complacency and putting their economy first instead of preparing or acting to halt the virus, there will be an escalation soon enough as the viruses Petri dish is full, and the infection expansion will accelerate.
Do not think for one second that things are okay in China just because it is not the focus of news stories, the communist government is covering up the extent of the virus as it is still raging through infected areas and spreading to new areas.
As the planes fly in daily from South East Asia, and Italy with no checks at the airport, there is no doubt that the virus is spreading even further into the UK population. With an incubation period of 24 days it will be hard anyway to check for the infected.
All of this while the mainstream news ridicules those who dared to prepare for the virus. The intelligent people prepared for this months ago, either prior to the Chinese reports or when news first filtered out from Wuhan. Those attempting to prepare right now may just about manage to at the last moment but already supermarket shelves are empty and the vital food stuffs are being restricted by supermarkets.
The government advisory currently is to simply wash the hands, this comes as nurses and doctors wear full headgear, hazmat suits and other precautions. It is of course okay for them to wear these things and be protected but the general public is only being advised to wash their hands. This pathogen attacks the nervous system as well as the respiratory, and can be transmitted person to person through breathing, as it is airborne, not just by sneezing and coughing as is the advice given by those in the media.
If you do not have a high level gas mask with proper filters or N95 with goggles and gloves, you are in severe danger of being infected in public. Cases in Hong Kong record people being infected within 15 seconds of being around a carrier. The virus also was found in the stools of supposedly cured patients, and can be transmitted from the fumes and particles from the stools.
If you do not have at least six months of food preparations by now for you and your family, things will get harder as public order breaks down and the supermarkets shut. There will be no assistance, and instead there will be many gangs roaming the lawless looted cities looking for food. It is key that you have some sort of weapons to defend yourself with in case of home intrusion. Defence will be hard in the UK where firearms have been banned leaving citizens at the mercy of criminals who do have guns.
Directed by Martin ‘Marty’ Scoochio, and starring Robert De Niall, as the hero, the film has been playing to empty cinemas across the globe for two weeks now, and is hailed as the best zombie apocalypse movie during the actual zombie apocalypse.
The real star of course is the toilet paper in the movie, which will have you grabbing a roll yourself to wipe your eyes with — you just won’t be able to undo what you see.
Useless Eaters
“The beginning scenes in Woolworths were amazing man, I was seeing these zombies one after the other with shopping trollies full of fucking toilet rolls, and some were even fighting each other for them,” amateur movie critic, Tony Wipes, revealed on his YouTube channel with two subscribers.
Zombies eating toilet roll, wrapping themselves in it, and of course wiping their pooey asses with the stuff assails the viewer as the camera judders with pure cinematic glory over the horrific scenes.
Padded toilet paper, extra padded, and even the scratchy shit you get in offices, and airports, it’s all fucking there for you horror lovers.
We gave this film a resounding wipe right between the smelly crack, a score of 8/10.
When looking for inspiration of women’s ingenuity and tenacity on International Women’s Day, look no further than a housewife from Amsterdam in the Netherlands.
Nicole Prins, managed to build a swimming pool in her family’s back garden for minimal cost, with minimal help, pretty much all by herself.
This truly astounding feat is certainly beyond what most men can achieve, and 99% of women, but she persevered through rain, shine, blood, sweat and tears to get the job done from the digging phase right through to plumbing, and laying of the surrounding tiles as well as boards, whilst looking after three kids, and working at an office every day.
Any man would indeed be extremely proud to have such a resourceful woman on their side, let alone as a wife.
Please do watch Nicole’s video on this International Women’s Day, because it will truly inspire a deep heartfelt warmth in her dedication and spirit.
The COVID-19 epidemic has already influenced oil prices, stock indices, and world currencies. However, it has also affected the normal operation of banks, especially those that are situated or have their departments in Asia.
According to the Financial Times, some Western banks have even restricted the movement of their employees around Asia. It seems that coronavirus fear has hit not only the banking system but has provoked the beginning of the financial crisis.
As past crisis has shown, central banks around the world can quickly change their monetary policy in response to a sharp change in the economic situation, since they are mostly independent, operate within a clear mandate and rely on the theory and statistics.
The virus has already revealed four major problems for national economies:
Losses from rising risks that do not include actual losses.
Actual losses from a decrease in the country’s external operations.
Losses from the introduction of quarantines.
Chain reaction stimulated by the fall in business and consumer activity.
Fears and Predictions
According to Moody’s Analytics, the COVID-19 could affect the global economy more than the financial crisis of 2008-2009. Unlike the collapse in the US mortgage market, no one predicted the emergence of the pandemic in 2020. Politicians may thus be limited in their ability to eliminate the malicious impact on stocks and national economies caused by the virus.
The spread of the Chinese virus will cost the global economy more than $280 billion in the first quarter of 2020. It will put an end to the continuous growth of the world GDP, which lasted 43 consecutive quarters.
If the virus does not spread around the world and China starts production soon, the global economy will lose only 0.1% of the predicted growth for 2020. This is a good scenario for the global market and trading online.
Limitation of Movement
The International Monetary Fund and the World Bank announced that they will hold an annual spring meeting, scheduled for April 13-19, in a “virtual format” due to the COVID-19 epidemic.
Credit Suisse management recommends employees in Hong Kong work from home and avoid visiting a bank office if they frequented the mainland for the past 14 days. Employees who have flu symptoms should stay at home for two weeks and return to work only with a doctor’s permission.
UBS also advises their employees to stay home if they have recently visited China. The UBS offices in China continue to operate normally, but other employees are prohibited from travelling to China.
The Standard Chartered financial group has limited travelling to China and Hong Kong. To stop spreading the virus, some branches are even cutting working day hours.
It’s not only banks that have been hit by the epidemic: the absence of decisive measures to support the economy from the Trump administration has led to a sharp quotation decline in the NY exchange. Forex trading in general also slows down.
How Banks Will Help the Economies to Recover?
The World Bank will allocate $12 billion to help states cope with the spread of the COVID-19 and overcome the negative economic consequences of the epidemic. Even though most WB programs are loans, the poorest countries will receive part of the funds in the form of grants.
As for national and local banks, they expressed their readiness to support people and business hit by the COVID-19. People facing financial difficulties are offered mortgage or credit holidays for up to 3 months.
Additionally, some financial institutions reduce their interest rates or increase the credit limits for their clients. These measures are taken to support the most vulnerable parts of the population, especially those who faced salary suspensions or working hours cuts. The repayment holidays are also offered to business that takes loans for $25,000 and more.
Every crisis is a new beginning for the world of finance. Every broker will confirm that the economic decline is always replaced by growth. So, why not take advantage of it?
Food, vegetables, fish, meat sourced from China can be deadly for human consumption, and some of it may filter through to Western supermarkets, and is most definitely used by Chinese restaurants operating in the West.
Primarily, there are little or no food standards in China, and pollution is at such a level that it is estimated 90% of groundwater and soil in China is polluted with heavy metals, raw sewage and deadly chemicals that cause cancer and death.
All farmers in China fertilise their vegetables with human faeces and raw sewage, as well as feed their farmed fish with raw pig excrement.
China produces about 70 percent of the farmed fish in the world, harvested at thousands of giant factory-style farms that extend along the entire eastern seaboard of the country. Fish like Tilapia are popular exports to the West, even though these farmed fish are fed on chicken and geese excrement and their murky ponds pumped with tonnes of antibiotics so bacteria finds resistance over time. The same goes for all seafood, where 90% of shrimp and prawns come from South East Asia, fed on animal faeces, and plumped up with toxic bacteria laden gel.
One may think tofu is the way to go with a good vegan diet, however you may consider avoiding Chinese tofu because fermentation is regularly speeded up in production by introducing human faeces into the recipe.
In a short period of time, the workers who participated in the production of “stool smelly tofu” even said: “Every time we poop in a plastic bucket, we won’t pull it in the toilet, because these are all treasures!” He explained that he would The stool is mixed with a certain proportion of water to make stinky tofu, and the tofu can be “oddly stinky” in a short period of time, saying that “do not put too much dung water, too much will be too stinky and will be found by guests.” And to this kind of stinky tofu making method, he argued: “How long does it take for the natural smell to odor, should I still make money!” SOURCE
Sodium Formaldehyde Sulfoxylate
Unscrupulous Chinese food producers lace their products with various illegal chemicals and fluff up their products to increase profit yields with deadly chemical powders as in the Chinese baby milk formula scandal.
Chinese staples: rice, cabbage, carrots, mushrooms, turnips and sweet potatoes, are all grown in fields irrigated by raw human sewage, industrial waste. Be aware of consuming any vegetable/fruit that originated in China, especially as it may be imported into your local supermarket in the US/EU/UK.
If you eat at a Chinese restaurant, you are putting your life at severe risk because restaurants source their ingredients from Chinese wholesalers/supermarkets who bring raw foods directly from China to the West. Chinese restaurants do this primarily because they get cheaper ingredients and bypass local American, European markets which are more expensive, and have food standards.
Eating at a Chinese/Vietnamese or other South East Asian restaurant/takeaway could also make you a supporter of human trafficking. Many Chinese restaurants are staffed by poor people trafficked from the Chinese provinces and forced to pay off their captors for years without any pay.
All food in Chinese restaurants are also laced with MSG (Monosodium glutamate) to artificially tenderise the meat which may be old, and make it more palatable. Clinical studies have proven it to be harmful.
There is evidence from studies in mice that the blood-brain barrier in newborns is immature, and that some glutamate can pass into the brain. High levels of glutamate injected into newborn mice caused significant brain damage.
A recent study showed that high levels of MSG also caused severe effects in fruit flies, leading to premature death in a significant number of them.
Chinese restaurants also reuse their cooking oil many times over, and even source their oil from the sewer, pleasantly called ‘gutter oil’.
Chinese vegetables and seafood do filter through to Western supermarkets, where they are sometimes repackaged, and labelled as organic, because in China most products are labelled with the organic word simply as a selling point despite there being no regulations. Therefore, if you cannot be sure of the source of a vegetable in your supermarket, then you can be sure it came from China.
Whatever you do, don’t ever drink bottled water from China, as 90% of so-called processed bottled drinking water is tainted with human excrement.
So, China does not only export deadly shit infested food for your consumption in the West, but it also exports deadly pathogens like COVID-19 coronavirus for your pleasure.
Sure, globalization is great when it comes to business/economic integration, and manufacturing, but when it comes to infectious viruses, this is where globalization falls down a nasty hole, inflicting untold damage.
We all know the process of change must first go through a process of destruction, constructive destruction, much like an omelette, first you have to break some eggs.
If the developed nations wanted to preserve their taxpayers, they would halt all international flights immediately apart from truly necessary freight. The respective governments should shut down all schools immediately and secure all borders with troops, they should also require every citizen to wear N95 masks, or gas masks, including the covering of the eyes with protective goggles. The military should be deployed in all neighbourhoods, and most citizens should be told to stay at home.
All trading on stock markets should cease, and a state of national emergency brought forward before the number of infected people increases.
Unfortunately, as of now, international/national flights are still continuing spreading the virus far and wide infecting people at an exponential rate. The fatal COVID-19 mutated strain is known now to be a deadly killer of a virus, it is constantly downplayed by those in the public eye and ministers, even though it not only attacks the respiratory system but the neurological system as well.
The virus is being allowed to take hold, all in the name of economics, and with every failed action to safeguard the developed nations, in turn, the stock markets fall further. If the ministers were to take decisive action right now before people start passing out and dying in the streets, then the markets would rise, simply because it would be seen that something was being done.
Within the developed nations, the only way any action is to be done right now is for a person within parliament or congress, or the senate to fall ill with COVID-19 and die, otherwise, as the general populace are getting infected daily, nothing of any note will be done.
Globalisation is a great economic miracle yet a huge curse when it comes to the interconnected nature of its operation, it is a double-edged sword, and the developed nations must think of a new way of global integration for the future, where all zones have their own localised food distribution, localised manufacturing and business, yet be linked globally as well to an extent to other zones, but can survive sustainably and independently of each other when needed.
