All the President’s Men (1972)

A pair of Washington Post journalists solve a burglary at the Watergate Hotel, whilst the US system illegally annihilates Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos and murders domestic civil rights leaders in broad daylight. In the sequel, the local journos report on a cat stuck in the tree during the LA Riots.

Clockwork Orange (1971)

A sadistic rapist murderer volunteers to have the government try a new technique on him, which renders him harmless. Civil liberties campaigners eventually succeed in showing that this is the wrong thing to do because everything goes in cycles – just like clockwork oranges famously do and stuff.
Warning: Contains disturbing scenes of mindless political argument.

The Day of the Triffids (1962)

See “Signs”.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

Robin Williams educates a group of schoolchildren that life is transient and that no matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. Consequently they fail their SATS quite badly and one of them commits suicide.
Based on the ‘50s B-movie horror, “Beware the Supply Teacher!”

Dirty Dancing (1987)

Patrick Swayze explores the boundaries of teacher-student relationships in this happy-go-lucky musical remake of Lolita.
Contains nudity. And idiocy.

Escape to Victory (1981)

Glorious high jinx as captured Allied soldiers challenge their Nazi guards to a football match, and their inspired play ignites a town in Vichy France to revolution. The sequel attempted to present highlights from a league system set in Belsen, Stalingrad and Auschwitz, which was to prove less successful at the box office.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

A British Secret Service agent drops a man in a wheelchair down a chimney because he apparently “wanted to take over the world”. The rest of the film depicts the agent red faced in front of a Select Committee wondering where it all went wrong.
This James Bond film provided inspiration for the Hutton Enquiry.

The House of Flying Daggers (2004)

In a brothel, a Soldier meets a Blind Whore. The Soldier is secretly working for the government and Blind Whore is secretly working for terrorists. Blind Whore escapes from the government with the Soldier. The Soldier tries to have sex with Blind Whore but she gets him going and then leaves him hanging. The Blind Whore leads the Soldier to the terrorists and reveals she is actually not blind, just a Whore. The Soldier and the Boyfriend fight over the Whore and they all kill each other with knives and/or swords.
Japanese Romance.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Narcissistic lecturer ogles his students, skips his office hour, and takes more indefinite research leave.
Careers information film from the ‘80s.

Paranormal Activity (2009)

A man moves in with his loving girlfriend, who swiftly becomes under control of an evil demon that wants to destroy her soul, kill her boyfriend and arrange all his CDs in alphabetical order. In the terrifying sequel they get married, buy a house and have fucking children.

The Passion of the Christ (2004) 

In desperation after being taken prisoner, Mel Gibson escapes by dislocating his shoulder and seeks the help of a string of multiracial partners to bring down the Romans in this light-hearted but brutal buddy film.
Adaptation of the popular children’s novel.

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Following a Japanese attack on Hawaii, America militarises its economy and proactively establishes a global empire. Although the Japanese are prepared to surrender, the film ends with the US vaporising Hiroshima and Nagasaki to demonstrate its resolve to the Soviet Union, an ostensible ally.
NB. Review based on original script which underwent some minor adjustments before screening.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

A lone pirate falls in with a gang of creepy and skeletal Keira Knightleys who are afflicted by a curse that means they can’t eat properly.

Raging Bull

Inspirational success story of a man who begins his career boxing for money but winds up as MC at his own comedy club.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Courageous lecturer on another bout of study leave nearly gets an ex-girlfriend killed in his quest to find a weapon for the US government. He could destroy the weapon but he decides to allow the Nazis to keep it. The Nazis accidentally get themselves killed when they use the weapon and the swashbuckling lecturer celebrates by groping his ex before trying to hump a Nazi in the sequel.

Silence of the Lambs (1990)

The FBI is having trouble finding a bog-eyed cross-dresser who has kidnapped dozens of people and who has built a massive well in his living room, so they send Jodi Foster to decode a series of misleading riddles from a Psychopathic Cannibal. Jodi eventually kills the serial killer by accident, whilst the Psychopathic Cannibal escapes by eating some of the FBI. The film concludes with the Psychopathic Cannibal joking with the Feds about eating an old woman whilst they celebrate a job well done. Thriller which spawned the classic comedy character, Hannibal Lecter.

Scum (1979)

In a remarkable travesty of justice numerous early twentysomethings are sent to what was supposed to be a childrens’ prison.
NB. This film prompted the Home Secretary to release any Borstal inmate who could show he had a suit, a mortgage and a subscription to the Readers Digest.

Signs (1998)

Ruthless, hyper-technological aliens again invade Earth, unaware that they melt to death on contact with sea water.

War of the Worlds (1954)

Ruthless, hyper-technological alien machines invade Earth, unaware that they are fatally allergic to germs.

War of the Worlds (2005)

Ruthless hyper-technological aliens invade Earth, forgetting that they are fatally allergic to germs.

Basic Instinct (1992)

A mysterious killer is on the loose who murders men during the act of love. But is it the seemingly friendly psychologist or the extraordinarily intimidating chain-smoking pornographic writer with a dead husband and a penchant for flashing her gash? Detective Michael Douglas has sex with both of them to investigate.

Beowolf (2007)

A soldier who wrestles naked with an ogre and rips the heart out of a fire-breathing dragon is haunted by the knowledge that he is not a true hero because he once knocked one off into Angelina Jolie.
Nonsensical parable.

Black Hawk Down (2001)

US servicemen heroically destroy half of Somalia whilst pretending to hand out their lunch.
Weepie for dickheads.

Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

Adaptation of the popular novel that shows that we can all win the heart of our Mr Darcy if we just smoke too much, drink too much, fall over a lot, have a gay best friend, and our dad’s Jim Broadbent.
Comedy for alcoholics.

Dracula (1992)

A small gang set out to murder a man who offers them the option to live a life in which they repeatedly bone anyone they want in a state of eternal youth and health.
Originally entitled: How To Be Nice and Boring (1874) by Mrs. Mary Prigstock.

ET

Advanced alien life form arrives on Earth, drinks Budweiser and understandably fucks straight back to where he came from.
French-language film based on the original English motion picture, “And”.

Ferris Bueller’s Day off (1986)

Heterosexual teenager Ferris Bueller spends his entire day off helping his whiney little friend to overcome deep-rooted psychological issues instead of repeatedly nailing his extraordinarily attractive girlfriend.
Pure Unadulterated Fiction.

Hot Shots! (1991)

Slapstick fun in sanctions-era Iraq.

Jaws IV: The Revenge (1987)

A shark consumed by hatred for the family which killed its ancestors decides to exact a bloody revenge upon them. Posing in disguise as a mild-manned travel writer it becomes a tenant at the family’s home but when it’s time to pay the rent the shark refuses, using a series of legal loopholes to bring the family to the point of oblivion.
Inane thriller.

Ghostbusters (1984)

Film that appears to legitimate the deployment of experimental nuclear weaponry against phantom enemies.
Children’s Horror/Republican Propaganda.

G.I Jane (1997)

The American military learns that by embracing people of all genders it is better able to kill Libyans.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

An 11-year old boy gets into a private school without help from his parents. The boy strikes up a platonic relationship with the over-friendly groundsman and a ginger kid makes two friends. Implausible fantasy. Warning: Contains English child actors.

Lethal Weapon II (1987)

The Los Angeles Police Department assigns a racially mixed partnership to arrest white supremacists whilst their colleagues off screen continue to club black people to death willy nilly.

Lost in Translation (2003)

Deeply touching bittersweet love story in which Bill Murray plays a past-it film actor who meets the charming Scarlett Johannson. The unlikely pair seem to let the opportunity slip, as Bill leaves the younger woman to find herself without pressure from him. However, in a final romantic twist just before leaving Tokyo, Bill runs back and whispers into Scarlett’s ear something that appears to be inaudible but which if you lip-read is: “Next time we meet I’m gonna split all three of your holes you scrummy old hag”.

The Matrix (1999)

Computer manufacturers make an entire new virtual reality for us to live in which does not constantly pause to download unwanted updates or require someone to take the day off work just to stay in for BT to come and sort the fucker out.
Implausible fantasy.

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Tom Cruise successfully completes a mission.
Action Adventure.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Tom Cruise starts to wonder if these missions are really so impossible, as he manages to complete two of them in a row.
Action Adventure.

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Tom Cruise gets pedantic about exactly how impossible these missions really are, in the light of the fact that he repeatedly and successfully completes them in a manner that is commonplace in this genre.
Action Adventure.

The Motorcycle Diaries (2004)

Wealthy student Che Guevara takes a Gap year to go travelling across South America with his hilarious student mate. Although they have literally no money, they have tons of adventures, really political thoughts, and leave the tourist trail to meet real locals who made the whole experience really authentic.
The sequel sees Che and his mate, like, literally doing, like, this awesome bong made out of an upturned bin in Halls.

Pretty Woman (1990)

A ruthless old billionaire is attracted to an impoverished young street girl. Although hesitant at first, the girl’s concerns about the relationship rapidly dissipate when the billionaire takes her shopping.
Classic Romance.

Rambo II (1985)

Having killed millions of people in a war with a Very Poor Country, a Very Big Country sends a Very Strong Man to kill some more in an attempt to save some fictional prisoners.
Swashbuckling action.

Rambo III (1987)

In the interests of world peace, America sends a Very Big Man to support and train terrorists in 1980s Afghanistan.
Swashbuckling geopolitical disaster.

Short Circuit (1986)

The adventures of Robocop’s disabled older brother.

True Lies (1994)

An estranged couple rekindles their moribund love life by annihilating Muslims with bazookas. Feel-good racial bloodbath for all the family (except Muslim families who can go fuck themselves)

U-571 (2000)

America breaks the enigma code, thereby ensuring the victory of the Free World against the Axis powers and the bullshitting British.