In a remarkable u-turn, the royal palace is arranging for Thomas Markle, the outspoken loudmouth dad of Meghan, to move into Kensington Palace next summer.
“We have spoken with the gentleman, when we could get a word in edgeways. We offered him a room in a shed adjacent to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s cottage within the grounds. The father has agreed to behave himself and will only invite the other ‘white trash‘ relatives at weekends,” Theo Spicer, a royal attache revealed today.
The overjoyed father of Meghan was said to be ecstatic and ordered up numerous photoshoots with tabloid newspapers, and pizzas to celebrate his good fortune.
“I cannot wait to be inviterated to all the British royalty events and I wanna speak with that big eared dude, Prince Charlie fella, and give that old coot Prince Philip a lesson in good ol’ American manners. These Limeys sure know how to hold events, we’re talkin’ free booze, food and I get to stand on the red carpet. Dayum, I’m so exciterated!”
Thomas Markle has also vowed to uphold his fatherly role by clinging onto the newly wed couple like an Alabama tornado.
“I’m gonna check out if Prince Harry is overseeing things right with ma daughter. If he ain’t sorry Harry but gots to get the belt out, whack a doodle do! I gotta check up on them some and encouragify the two to start making babies soon as well. Can’t leave that shit too late goddamit, Meghan is old now and needs to hurry up before her womb dries up or something like that. She been around the block a few dozen times already, but the ol’ gal still got life in her. I also wanna go to these exotic places they go to, like the Bahamas and Yorkshire. I am so excited. Plus I heard they don’t have to pay for nothing! Can you imagine the amount of pizza I could order up? My mouth just started salivating.”
Although there may be not much space in Nottingham Cottage where the royal couple reside, there is a shed 200 yards from the property which is in the process of being renovated for the father-in-law to stay on a permanent basis.
Due to the bad press generated by Thomas Markle, the royals eventually capitulated and allowed him into the fold, merely to shut him up, although the ploy may not work completely and already Mr. Markle has arranged the National Enquirer and Hello magazine to join him in his first week at the palace.
There are, as of yet, no plans to give Thomas Markle a royal title, however the Queen has expressed an interest in having him knighted, that is, with a very sharp sword, and a waiting basket.