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Hated Heather Mills to Settle in Iraq

Mr. Charrington
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0
Hated Heather Mills to Settle in Iraq

The most hated woman in the British Isles and Western world is to either move to Iraq or the Far East.

It has taken the hated ex-glamour model two years to acquire a £55 million windfall for her three year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney.

The greedy stumptress is already planning her next marriage to the next sucker she can dupe, possibly a rich Arab.

“She’s already looking for her next conquest and is not content with her £55 million. She’s going for the full century – the big kahuna – £100 million,” one of her friends told the Daily Squib this weekend.

Sunni Triangle mansion

Because of her hated status as one of the biggest gold diggers around, Heather will be living in the Sunni triangle in Baghdad.

She was only granted permission by the Americans to live in the most volatile and inhospitable place in Iraq after much legal wrangling and pleading by Heather’s lawyers.

 



 
A quiet Sunday afternoon in Ramadi
 


The Sunni Triangle is a densely-populated region of Iraq to the northwest of Baghdad that is inhabited mostly by Sunni Muslim Arabs.

The roughly triangular area’s corners are usually said to lie near Baghdad (on the east side of the triangle), Ramadi (on the west side) and Tikrit (on the north side). Each side is approximately 200 kilometers long (125 miles). The area also contains the cities of Baqubah and Mosul and Samarra and Fallujah.

Major Johnsons whose patrol regularly goes through the area told the Daily Squib, “We at first consulted tribal leaders on the issue of where to put Ms Mills in Iraq. Every area rejected her on the basis that they detest Heather Mills as much as anyone in all Western countries. The Sunni Triangle has no such qualms about hosting someone like Heather because between the mass shootings, car bombs, bullets ricocheting, RPG attacks, IED’s and having your door kicked upon by crazed US Marines they have other things on their mind.”

Heather Mills will be allowed to transport the bags of money she nefariously acquired into the barricaded Sunni Triangle compound and there she will live for the rest of her life.The former Saddam Hussein bunker where Heather will spend the rest of her days will be guarded by 24 hr security — not to keep people out but Ms Mills in.

One of her long suffering relatives has told the Times:

“She won’t stay in the UK. She knows everybody hates her here and she does not care.

“Now that she’s got her money she would leap at the chance to get away from it all and take her daughter Bea with her.

“I think she’ll go abroad and then just slowly fade away into obscurity.”

One can only hope.

British Teens to be Cautioned for First Time Murder Offences

Mr. Charrington
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2
British Teens to be Cautioned for First Time Murder Offences

Under the new laws espoused by the Home Office, teens who commit their first murder will be cautioned and then given an on-the-spot fine of £20.00.

If the teens do not have the money upfront they will be reprimanded and required to pay the fine in instalments.

Two strikes and you’re out

Only when British teens commit murder twice will there be any grounds for a court appearance which may eventually lead to prosecution and possible jail time.

Courts in England and Wales have welcomed the Home Secretary’s decision and commended Ms Smith on freeing up valuable court time so they can continue prosecuting more motorists in England and Wales for minor driving offences.

The Labour think tank which pioneered the groundbreaking law has also been commended by the Prime Minister.

 

Gordon Brown will be discussing the new murder laws in next week’s cabinet meeting with a view to implementing them within six months.

Jacqui Smith, who was also responsible for the introduction of ASBO’s (Anti Social Behaviour Orders) and ABC’s (Anti Social Behaviour Contracts), was
not available for comment because she was down her local kebab shop
with an armed escort getting some extra chilli sauce on a chicken
doner.

Violent crime statistics in the UK are now at a three year low with only 450 murders per day in Manchester alone.

The rest of the UK has also seen a dramatic decrease in violent crime because of Labour’s recent crime fighting initiatives.

Crying Hillary Clinton Terrorises Supporters

Mr. Charrington
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3
Crying Hillary Clinton Terrorises Supporters

Pandemonium and chaos was brought forth this week when democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton made herself cry again after multiple losses to Obama.

As she stepped onto the podium her supporters realised she was going to start crying again and that is when all hell broke loose. The election security detail tried to evacuate the area as quickly as they could, but the sheer panic was overwhelming.

“Hillary started to cry quite suddenly, and that’s when everyone started to stampede. We know about her crocodile tears,” a hapless Clinton supporter told the Daily Squib.

Hilary Clinton’s tears have such a high acid ph value that they can burn through steel and pretty much any man made material. Some scientists have tried unsuccessfully to analyse the tears, but have not been able to because they burn through all the equipment.

Hillary Clinton’s tear drop goes through the titanium
steel election podium like a knife through butter

“Hillary’s tears are like the blood of the aliens from the movie ‘Aliens’ starring Sigourney Weaver. That stuff burns through anything and never stops. We have to be very careful when she flies or is on a boat so as not to make her cry,” one of her campaign managers who recently quit told us.

Hillary Clinton has never been filmed blinking her eyes, so how she conjures up realistic looking tears and what looks to be some kind of emotion is a mystery to many political watchers.

Some commentators even go so far as to suggest that Hillary’s tears are a cynical ploy to influence voters. Surely not?

If anyone has any footage of Hillary Clinton blinking please phone the Daily Squib offices immediately for a substantial cash reward – CALL 0891- CROCO

African Village Empty After Mass Celebrity Adoptions

Mr. Charrington
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4
African Village Empty After Mass Celebrity Adoptions

Twenty years of age and too old to be adopted by a celebrity, Ondongo cuts a lonely figure in the village where children used to play once and elders sat telling stories amongst the corrugated iron huts.

The village has been decimated by a mass of celebrity adoptions which has effectively turned the whole area into a wasteland.

Children who were once the lifeblood of this tiny hamlet deep in the wilds of Uganda are now propped up in places like Manhattan, Kensington or Beverly Hills, living in mansions with Olympic swimming pools and walk-in cupboards decked to the hilt with thousands of expensive clothes and shoes.

“The heart of this community has been torn out by these vanity celebrity adoptions,” Jill Severino, a relief worker from Médecins Sans Frontières, told the Daily Squib on Friday.

There used to be 30 families living in this village and now they have all gone.  As well as A-list celebrities there have also been adoptions from D-listers who wish to jump on the ‘celebrity adoption’ bandwagon.

After adopting a boy from the same village, pop star Madonna, even went to great lengths to have jungle scenes painted on the bedroom walls of her African boy’s quarters to make him feel more at home. Amongst other well known celebrities, David Beckham has also adopted a Ugandan boy as well as Angelina Jolie.

“It’s the next accessory amongst the new breed of celebrity; they already have the private jets, Aston Martins and everything and anything they want. Keeping up with the Jones’ is not cheap – especially if you’re the typical shallow celebrity,” Charles Peters head of the XTM PR agency told the Daily Squib from his offices in London.

There have been instances where some celebrities have wanted their first choice exchanged for another child due to unforeseen circumstances – like clashing with the decor scheme.

The brokers usually line up the children before the celebrities arrive. There is normally a brief ceremony of dancing and singing once the celebrity has chosen which African boy or girl they want to try out.

Once the children are successfully patriated and settled within the celebrity household they are not viewed as pure ornaments and objects of interest, but as real live attractions to be paraded in front of the media networks and cameras. That is until the next celebrity craze comes along.

Protected: Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama

Mr. Charrington
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531
Protected: Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama

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NHS Unveils New Fleet of Ambulances

Mr. Charrington
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0
NHS Unveils New Fleet of Ambulances

With a health service that is buckling under the weight of serious underfunding, massive UK immigration and unfettered wasteful spending of the meagre cash it gets, is there any hope for the ailing sick patient called the NHS?

Labour Ministers have come up with a solution for the NHS which will revolutionise health care in Britain.

The new fleet of NHS ambulances will pick patients up and take them directly to the cemetery thus saving billions of pounds per annum.

“Why bother with MRSA filled hospitals and substandard underfunded wards where death roams day and night? This way, everyone’s a winner. More taxpayers billions can now be diverted to great causes like Northern Wreck and fruitless conflicts like Afghanistan and Iraq. Think about the amount of empty hospital beds that we will now have,” Health Minister, Alan Johnson told a Commons Select Committee this morning.

The one-stop solution for the new look NHS was hailed as a much needed boost for Labour in the Commons when Health Secretary Alan Johnson announced the overhaul after last year’s draft white paper.

“Now if you call for an ambulance and are in dire need of assistance we can be with you within five minutes from anywhere in the UK and have you six feet under in less than fifteen minutes saving thousands of pounds per patient in administrative costs, hospital staffing costs and maintenance.”

As of tomorrow the new NHS scheme will come into effect for the benefit of the whole UK.

Bush Restrained after Talking to God on Flight to Heathrow

Mr. Charrington
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0
Bush Restrained after Talking to God on Flight to Heathrow

Passengers on the Air Force One flight from Washington to London said the president was restrained after yelling and “invoking his God” while sitting at his presidential chair more than 30,000 feet above the
Atlantic.

The flight was forced to make an emergency diversion to
Ireland’s Shannon Airport early on Monday and the ailing lame duck president
was taken to a nearby psychiatric unit.

Alan Johnson, one of 43 passengers on board, said the president of the United States was
carried into the baggage hold with his hands and ankles cuffed after he was
restrained by cabin crew and one of his speech writers. The president was then handcuffed to a seat and fed more bananas to shut him up as the
captain requested permission to land from Irish air traffic
authorities. “He was worse than usual. Dick Cheney wasn’t even in the room and he was still talking to some kind of God,” Johnson told the Daily Squib. “His voice was clear, he didn’t
sound like he was as drunk as he usually is and he was swearing and asking for
God. He specifically said he wants to talk to his God.”

‘I am driven with a mission from God.’ Bush then shouted, ‘George go
and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan’. And I did. And then God
would tell me ‘George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq’. And I did.”

Mr
Bush went on: “And now, again, I feel God’s words coming to me, ‘Go bomb
the terrorists in Iran and cause a nuclear war, and bring perpetual war and pestilence on the whole world’. And, by God, I’m gonna do it.”

 


President George W Bush speaks to his God on Air Force One

It
is understood that the crew first became concerned less than an hour before
they were due to arrive at Heathrow, when the president began “speaking
loudly to his God and acting in an even more peculiar fashion than usual”, according to one
source. The president was talking to his God with such lucidity that it even scared his handlers. The flight arrived
at Heathrow eight hours late.

An Air Force One spokesman confirmed that the flight captain had requested a “medical diversion” to Shannon.

“The president fell ill during the flight and the captain elected to divert
to Shannon,” he said. “The aircraft landed without incident. At no time
was the safety of the passengers or crew in question. The flight was
met by medical personnel and the president is now in care.”

A spokesman for Shannon Airport said: “We were advised that the president was unwell and that was the reason for the diversion. We prepared a cage for the president and his favourite bananas.”

Members of the president’s family including Barney the dog and a representative of the Pentagon flew to Shannon yesterday.

You can all rest assured that the largest nuclear arsenal in the history of mankind is in safe hands tonight.

Britney Escapes from UCLA Mental Institute

Mr. Charrington
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2
Britney Escapes from UCLA Mental Institute

BREAKING NEWS

The LAPD, Texas Rangers, SWAT, Navy Seals and Canadian Mounties have all joined the search for Britney Spears after she escaped through a tiny window in the maximum security mental wing of the UCLA hospital where she was being held.

After being committed to the UCLA mental asylum on Thursday, Ms Spears was deemed “Gravely Disabled” by the doctors.

Fernando Rodriguez, one of the hospital attendants, told the Daily Squib, “We don’t know what time she escaped, but it was between her meds – between 4 and 5 in the morning. Oh lord! If she don’t take her meds it ain’t gonna be pretty y’all.”

The UCLA area has been besieged by thousands of photographers and news crews. The air is so thick with news helicopters that a midair collision is inevitable.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for a code Red
Alert situation and is under mounting pressure to call in more state
troopers from neighbouring states to calm the situation.

Britney, the ailing celebrity mime artist, apparently blew a gasket when she heard that her whole estate is now under the care of her divorced parents.

Britney’s father has already moved his trailer into the grounds of her mansion and her mother seeks to follow next week. The chickens and farm animals will also be shipped in with the extended family of 450 cousins, aunts, uncles and assorted offspring.

 

Britney’s dad outside his Alabama trailer earlier in the week

 

The Los Angeles area has been warned not to confront the crazed celebrity walking around talking gibberish with a fake cockney accent.

“She will probably run for the nearest Starbucks or drug store to buy laxatives and Red Bull. If anyone has any petite dogs, which are popular with celebrities, please keep them locked inside your homes. Do not confront Britney or offer assistance because you may be in severe danger – just dial 911 or run as fast as you can,” Officer Timpson from UCLA Police Dept. announced on the K-ROQ radio station last night.

Osama Lutfink, her manager, was fighting back tears at the thought of the pain and suffering poor Britney must be going through.

“I am a compassionate man and my heartfelt condolences go out to everybody who cares for her. We will restore her finances and accounts to their rightful place very soon — in my full control.”

If you see Britney CALL Emergency Helpdesk TOLL FREE  : 1-899 INS-ANE

Britney Spears to be Exorcised LIVE on MTV

Mr. Charrington
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3
Britney Spears to be Exorcised LIVE on MTV

Britney Spears the ailing autotune celebrity has been ordered by the Catholic church and her keepers to undergo an exorcism.

The once-in-a-lifetime experience will be filmed live on MTV and broadcast all over the world.

After having 12 highly public nervous breakdowns in January, Ms Spears is slowly reducing the monthly frequency of her breakdowns from a high of 34 in December.

Pope Benedict himself has intervened on this sensitive matter and has ordered his chief exorcist to complete the harrowing task of casting out the devil and satan’s demons from Britney.

Britney has already tried the typical celebrity wishy-washy cults like Scientology and Madonna’s celebrity perversion of the real Kaballah, but these only perpetuated her illness and made her even more sick than she already is.

The Clenbuterol worked for awhile but the crystal meth and cocaine was a bridge too far. The rehab did not work and having the starlet chained down in an ambulance did not restrain her.

Adnan Ghalib, her paparazzi boyfriend, fears for his subject and has concerns that she may not complete her contractual obligations with him if the demons are not cast out soon.

 


“It’s Britney, bitches.”

 

“Her room is always very cold and there is a frost in the air. She speaks with many tongues, including a fake British accent and she levitates every few seconds. I am sick of the pea soup that is projectile vomited from her cussing mouth. Her eyes are red – is that normal?”

The Daily Squib reporter, Ebner Pazuzu, accompanied Ghalib and a bodyguard into the ailing celebrities room when she started speaking an ancient British dialect called ‘mockney’. After levitating above the bed for a few minutes, Britney regurgitated fifteen bags worth of Cheetos and a Starbucks Mocha with extra chocolate sprinkles onto our terrified reporter. Our reporter has since been given compassionate leave.

“She then started to walk down the stairs backwards on all fours. At first we thought she was practising a dance routine for a performance but when her head made a 360 degree turn we knew this was something else.”

MTV will broadcast the LIVE Exorcism this Friday at 8pm PST.

Comrade Gordon Brown Unveils New Fifty Pence Coin

Mr. Charrington
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1
Comrade Gordon Brown Unveils New Fifty Pence Coin

Unelected comrade Brown announced at the People’s Republic Square in
Trafalgar on Monday to a gathering of the one party state and assembled
workers that Britannia will be removed from the fifty pence coin.

The imperialistic capitalistic remnant of the Phoenician Barati,
Britannia, will be erased thankfully by our supreme leader after over
300 years on the coin.

After signing away national sovereignty and all British laws to Europe in December, Britain (soon to be sector 4), will be joined to the United Europe Federation. The supreme unelected leader is erasing all past history – for
it is all irrelevant now under the new Brownite Era.

“I, as leader of the New Age of Change, announce from next week that all
prole workers and party officials will be able to pay for goods with the new improved fifty pence
piece. With the advent of the new design and the elimination of the
sordid imperialist capitalist image of Britannia there will be true
impetus embracing our new era within the Soviet Europe Union.”

Standing in the People’s Republic Square in Trafalgar, Comrade Brown
also announced an increase in the bread ration for the month of January
to one whole loaf per household per month. A supreme reward to all
prole workers for the increase in production in the New Era of
Change.

 

The supreme unelected commander then made a speech that surprised one of the party members and revealed him to be a traitor to the state.

“There has been criticism of comrade Milliband by the Central
Committee.

Comrade Milliband – the most dedicated to our cause. He shall give his life for
the cause of the party. But we cannot overlook his weakness in certain aspect of
his work. Comrade Milliband as our Minister of Foreign Affairs, finding himself at
a “slippery” Diplomatic Reception, gave assurance to an American
diplomat that the capitalists can start to publish bourgeois newspapers in our
country. Why? Was that the place to give such an assurance, without the
knowledge of the Labour Party? Is it not self-evident that the bourgeoisie is our
class enemy and to promote bourgeois newspapers amongst our party people besides
doing harm, shall not bring us any benefit. If this were allowed to transpire,
we could foresee circumstances where the attacks against Socialism and the Labour government
would be started, first very subtly then overtly. This is the first political
mistake of comrade Milliband.”

Comrade Milliband was then escorted from the podium by four Stasi
guards and will thus continue his service to the state from a gulag somewhere in
Northern England.

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