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Charlie Sheen Moves to Vietnam Cambodia Border Area

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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Charlie Sheen Moves to Vietnam Cambodia Border Area

“I’m like Kurtz. I got my men and we’re going to go AWOL in the jungle. Shoot things up, drink some tiger’s blood, kill a few buffalo with machetes and build a temple,” Mr Sheen revealed when he relayed what he was doing through a captured CB radio to CNN reporters in Hanoi city.

According to reports coming from the village of La Trine, 34 clicks out of Saigon, Sheen was spotted last week recruiting a tribe of Montegnards who were immediately enamoured by the Hollywood mad man.

“We don’t know if he’s channeling Kurtz or the crazy photographer, but Charlie’s got his own platoon out there and enough dope to last him for years. We’re talking pure hashish and opium that will make a motherf*ckin’ herd of elephants drop. None of that tainted LA crap,” Moron said.

Secret mission

Warner Bros have said that they want the renegade actor taken down and are now sending Chuck Lorre into the jungle to get Sheen.

“Charlie Sheen is a wanted man. We need this guy taken down with extreme prejudice. That’s what we instructed our lawyers to do but they failed so we’re gonna have to go and eliminate him ourselves,” Warner Bros. CEO, Hymie Goldblaum, told LA Weekly magazine.

When Sheen heard the news that Lorre was being sent into the jungle to “shut Charlie the f*ck up,” he said: “Bring it on! No one touches this warlock. I got my men, my p*rnstarlets and a sh*tload of drugs. We’re gonna string that boy up by his scrote, then shoot pork rinds at his head.”

Murdoch Given Green Light to Control All UK Media

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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0
Murdoch Given Green Light to Control All UK Media

“Murdoch already controls 90% of the world’s media and now he will pretty much control all of the UK’s media after getting the go-ahead to secure BSkyB by Cameron’s government,” a Westminster political commentator revealed.

Murdoch’s octopus like grip over the world’s media is a testament to control techniques that would make even Hitler or Goebbels quiver with abject jealousy.

“Murdoch will start feeding even more of the propaganda through even more news outlets he controls. Once he takes over 99% of the UK’s media, his evil plan of indoctrination will be in place,” one of Murdoch’s indoctrination controllers, Arnold Meshugass said from the offices of the now Murdoch controlled BSkyB company.

Resistance is futile

Rupert Murdoch’s demonic media entity has a vice grip over the majority of the media churning out propaganda only favouring his agenda, and denigrating anything in the way of its message of ultimate control.

“We control Hollywood, we control the world’s financial system and we also control the world’s media. In other words we control everything you can ever think about. What you gonna do about it huh?” Joel Schmool, head of communications of the Murdoch conglomerate bragged at a recent news conference for Fox News’ Media Control Symposium in Las Vegas.

This new directive is another nail in the coffin of our so-called democracy because it will ensure that impartiality and real news reporting will be forbidden and brushed under the carpet forever.

“From now on there will be news that favours only our agenda. Nothing else matters, because it simply does not exist in our eyes. You will be fed this news 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and you will not be able to get away from it even if you try,” a jubilant Mr Murdoch said from his luxury yacht moored off Monaco yesterday.

Is the Oil Still Safe?

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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1
Is the Oil Still Safe?

“We fear for the oil. What if it gets torched? That beautiful black gold will be no more. This is why we’re prepared for military action right fuckin’ now,” the British PM David Cameron’s energy spokesman, Giles Fitzroy disclosed to the Daily Telegraph.

It’s not just the Brits who are smarting at the possible loss of oil, so are the Americans.

When Gaddafi starts torching his oil fields, then people are really going to wake up.

Barack Obama said on Sunday evening: “If we don’t invade those Libyans soon how the hell am I gonna take all those expensive Air Force One day trips for no particular reason? Oh my god, I gotta have my Air Force One trips, Michelle needs ’em too!”

Rescue Mission

There was no oil in Egypt or Tunisia so they were not up for military intervention, but Libya is a different matter.

“We’re prepared to defend the oil reserves that belong to us in that country. Maybe they have WMD? Gaddafi could launch an attack on the West in forty five minutes if we don’t attack soon, like right now. Send in the goddamn SAS, Marines, Seals and Halliburton!” John Schecter, a Pentagon official disclosed.

The US has already mobilised three navy destroyers off the Libyan coast, and even Britain, who doesn’t have much of a navy left after massive budget cuts, have deployed a small frigate with a few guns on it.

Hirst Shark Released Back into Wild

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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0
Hirst Shark Released Back into Wild

The pickled shark will be extracted from its tank of seclusion and finally released back into the sea from whence it originally came.

The spectacular release will be filmed for a Channel 4 retrospective program about the artist’s work.

“It’s the final journey for the shark. I will miss it as it swims gently into the horizon and sinks under the water forever. My studio has fitted a mechanical device into the shark which will make this seemingly impossible feat possible,” Mr Hirst said.

Bathers on the Blackpool seafront have already been warned by the coast guard that the shark will be swimming in the area and they should not be alarmed if they see it.

According to art world pundits, Charles Saatchi, who commissioned the piece in the first place, will be the one on the sea shore who will press the all important release button.

“When we release the shark, I will have a huge tear well up in my eyeball. It will run down my cheek and land on the rocks below me. I will be sad, yet relieved for the shark. It will go to a place where it will be away from the prying eyes of the crowds. It will finally be able to go home,” Mr Saatchi said.

There are also plans to release the Hirst cow that was sawn in half into a deserted field next year.

New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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0
New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

“This one’s going to be it. The big kahuna, the toasted tuna, the..er..chatanooga,” Sheen said at a recent news conference in his jacuzzi at his Beverly Hills mansion.

The star was interviewed for CBS’ The Early Show on Wednesday and described the format for the new show.

“The character I play is on one drug only — me. Okay, I lied, he does coke, crack, meth and shitloads of booze, but that’s neither here nor there. Is that a blue balloon popping over at the tipatoe mansion? Blake’s got redness. I said get ’em out honey, yeah both of them,” Charlie then gestures at one of the assembled actresses, who goes under the water to perform fellatio upon his shrivelled member.

The CBS crew are allowed to walk around the Beverly Hills mansion to see for themselves how Sheen has recovered after his much publicised meltdown a week ago.

“Over here is the garden. Dambusters on the vine, squeak, and a lot of shebas. And over in that corner, is my pet olive, I try and feed her every morning but she stays on the tree, kinda looking sad. Do you ever remember when you were a kid, how you used to smell things and how it triggers those memories as an adult now? The guest house is at the end of the yard and we like to cook bagels there in the evenings. Did I tell you earthworms about the time when I dropped three to four seven-gram rocks and had to move past the quarter line with an apple digger? Yeah, it was awesome. Time to memorize! I’m bitchin’ and I got all the info about everything and everyone in the world, all at the same time, or was that last Tuesday. I’m winning, we’re winning and losing at the same time on many different levels of 911, September, when the planes crashed into the WTC. I was cooking hard boiled eggs, big ones, small ones and square ones,” Charlie Sheen tells the reporters at the top of his voice, before passing out on the lawn face down, twitching uncontrollably.

The first series of ‘One and Three Quarters Man’ will air next Wednesday night on the DBO Public Access Network.

New ITV Reality Show "I'm in Libya Get Me Out of Here" Massive Ratings Hit

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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0
New ITV Reality Show "I'm in Libya Get Me Out of Here" Massive Ratings Hit

For too long the ITV channel has been stagnating with no new shows of merit — that is until now.

“This new show has become a huge ratings hit with not only the British public but worldwide as well. It’s set in Libya and involves minor British celebrities being dropped in an area of Libya with little food, no compass and no weapons. If they can survive for three days while all hell is breaking loose around them, then they win the prize; which is an all-expenses-paid trip to Tunisia,” the shows creator, Al Hertyu, for Endemol productions, disclosed.

The first episode last night, got off to an excellent start when scumbag ex-politician, Lembik Opik was shot in the rear with an AK47 and the whole cast of Eastenders were whisked away by merceneries to an undisclosed jail where they will never be seen again.

ITV executives were rubbing their hands with delight as the ratings reached 42 million for the first episode alone.

“D-List celebrities are lining up to be included in the show. It’s the ultimate career boost for these people. They’ll do anything to be famous,” Mr Hertyu added.

So far, all 34 celebrities on the first show are unaccounted for and are presumed dead.

The next show will include Katie Price and Peter Andre as well as Alex Reid.

Who says the conflict in Libya is a bad thing?

Galliano Fashion Show in Israeli Kibbutz Could Be Cancelled

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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7
Galliano Fashion Show in Israeli Kibbutz Could Be Cancelled

“We had already arranged the show but were wondering why Galliano suddenly changed everything so that the models were dressed in Nazi gear resplendent with fabulous swastikas and SS uniforms,” Karl Gunther Schweinhund, one of the designer’s stage hands, told Israeli fashion magazine, Shalom Paris.

The fashion show is meant to commence in a few days but could be cancelled, Israeli officials at the kibbutz have said.

“We know this is fashion but since when has a model goose stepping around a stage wearing a Hitler moustache been in good taste? I’m all for couture but this is outrageous. It’s bad enough that the size zero models all look like concentration camp victims but when Galliano said that he wanted the models on the catwalk to throw raw pieces of bacon into the crowd, this is where we drew the line,” Chaim Bodenheimer, one of the organisers for the fashion show at the Ariel Sharon Kibbutz, 43 kms from Haifa, told Haaretz on Monday.

The Strokes Have Pacemakers Fitted After Stroke Scare

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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0
The Strokes Have Pacemakers Fitted After Stroke Scare

“The Strokes are trying to get back after many years in the wilderness. They had been enjoying their royalties until all of a sudden it all dried up, so they’re back again to remind their fans that they still exist and to carry on buying their stuff so that they can carry on with their lifestyles,” Mr Banque revealed during an interview for NME.

The Strokes underwent crucial heart treatment after all four members suffered minor strokes when they were playing during a practice session in Manhattan.

Cocaine

“One minute they were playing and the next they were holding their heads and looking all lop sided. They went down like dominos, one after the other. At first I thought they got electrocuted. It’s safe to say that I then realised that The Strokes had all had strokes. It was something that really astounded me and strangely turned me on,” lead singer Julian’s girlfriend, Audrey Mumps, revealed.

As soon as The Strokes had their strokes, they were all rushed to New York’s premier hospital where they were treated immediately for their strokes.

“Don’t worry folks, The Strokes are going to carry on touring despite their strokes. Hey, they have to pay for their hospital bills somehow eh. No sign of that Obamacare any time soon huh. It’s enough to give you a stroke, innit,” their manager quipped.

Could Gaddafi Be Ozzy Osbourne’s Long Lost Brother?

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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1
Could Gaddafi Be Ozzy Osbourne’s Long Lost Brother?

They’re both mad as hatters and like nothing better than to mumble, but is that where the similarity ends?

Observers of Colonel Gaddafi have been astounded at the stunning similarities to Brummie rock star Ozzy Osbourne.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Gaddafi up on the wall gesturing at some fake supporters in Green Square last week. I mean it could have been an Ozzy concert. I was half expecting the chords of Mr Crowley to start chiming in,” Melody Maker journalist, Schiet Bagg, reported in his weekly column.


Ozzy’s family and old friends from Birmingham say they remember a Libyan carpet salesman calling on the Osbournes about nine months before a child was born in 1942, who was then given up for adoption. Of course these are just rumours, but you never know.

Speaking from Los Angeles, Sharon Osbourne was eager to begin talks with the colonel: “We’ll have to do a few preliminary tests on him first. Like I’ll put a live bat in the room and see if the colonel manages to rip its head off with his dentures. I’m getting Ozzy to fly out to Tripoli next week, you never know, Gaddafi might also give us a few of his billions.”

 

Timid Brits Hypnotized as Middle East Revolutions Roll On

Johnny Allinson Smythe
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3
Timid Brits Hypnotized as Middle East Revolutions Roll On

“It’s because the British people have been conditioned very well to accept every indignity and horror without question. The form of mass hypnotism employed on the UK population ensures that they will never voice their displeasure at being fisted by Rip-Off-Britain prices foisted on them daily, or the Draconian laws prescribed upon their limited freedoms. You can tax a British person until they have to fork over 80% of their salary to the state, and they will nonchalantly recline and switch on the telly to watch Deal or No Deal. You can let in half of the population of Eastern Europe, Asia and Africa to take away much of the already limited resources, and only a few people voice their displeasure. Of course, this is a well trained form of apathy which we have implanted into their psyche. The mass brainwashing is complete, as the evidence of no uprisings in hundreds of years since 1642 has suggested,” Albert Rupert Speer, a government spin doctor working for David Cameron’s office told the Daily Telegraph on Saturday.

While many countries in the Middle East are in political and social turmoil and the people are fighting back against the oppressive machinery of slavery, here in Britain, no one is even batting an eyelid let alone striking up a protest at the various indignities meted out on the people on a daily basis.

“In the UK now we’re paying £6 ($9) per gallon of petrol. The cost of a small loaf of bread in some supermarkets is now £4.50. Go to any supermarket in the UK and you will soon realise the enormity of this situation as the prices will baffle you. And yet, no one gets angry. Not even a whimper, or a word of defiance. Are us Brits that yellow and cowardly that we let ourselves get fucked by the system every day and not say even one word or do anything about it? I guess we are,” Norman Titbit, a political commentator from Westminster said on Friday.

There seems to be some form of Pavlovian sado-masochistic battered wife syndrome embedded within the British psyche wherein they can be goaded on endlessly, tormented, robbed, swindled, and cheated without reproach.

Perhaps there is a link with the current malaise infecting the population and Britain’s Feudal past. Ingrained over centuries of subjugation is the happiness of serfdom, a quality that is obviously treasured by the robber Barons and controllers who laugh as they count the spoils of their conquest.

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