Speaking from the White House, Barack Hussein Obama said: “My fellow Americans. This is one meeting I am not going to walk out of because it is imperative that I hang around and tell you about the Murdochs. This morning I ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to raid the Murdoch penthouse in Manhattan and to take the evil Murdochs to Gitmo. They hacked 9/11 victims’ phones. Yes, you heard right, the same shits who run Fox news were hacking the cell phones of 9/11 victims and families. These despicable, heinous, hypocritical acts made me actually lose my cool when I heard them and I bust a nut man, yep, I threw a few papers around in the Oval office and I kind of made some angry noises under my breath. Shi-i-i-e-t mofo, I feel like getting medieval on someone’s ass right now, those boys need to get taken down big time. It was kinda nice seeing them wearing the orange jump suits as they were put on the plane to be flown to Gitmo. For a change I was decisive. I was proud of myself, hey, looks like I’m slowly getting some fuckin’ balls for a change. Sheesh!”

Terrorist

Rupert Murdoch and his son will be imprisoned in Guantanamo bay for the next 50 years without any chance of parole.

Some of the wonderful amenities the Murdochs will be enjoying at the detention camp will be daily beatings, hourly electro-shock treatment on the testicles and daily humiliation sessions with special guest Lynndie England.

The Murdochs will be confined to a 3 by 4 foot cage for 23 hours a day where they can relax and think about their crimes against humanity.

News International, which also publishes The Sun, The Times and The Sunday Times, said that thousands of its staff would be under identity protection programs costing the taxpayer millions of pounds per annum.

Rebekah Brooks, CEO of NI has already had her head shaved and undergone major plastic surgery so that no one recognises her, as has Rupert Murdoch and his son.

“They will all be given new identities and new disguises so they can lead new lives away from the extreme scandal and shame of their previous incarnations as slimey scumbag eavesdroppers. Mr Murdoch, who has lost everything including his Philipino mail order bride, is now living in a tower block in Lambeth, oops I just gave his location away,” Detective constable Brown Payperbag, of the Witness Protection program told the BBC.

Rupert Murdoch who touched down in the UK earlier on in the day is in town to oversee the massive corruption scandal that has embroiled his British newspapers.

Traffic police were said to have stopped the 80-year-old tycoon driving his Ford Escort at 50 mph in Wapping, which is close to the News of the World offices.

“Our officers made a routine traffic stop on an elderly gentleman who was reading a newspaper whilst attempting to drive at the same time. The fact that he was driving on the pavement and had mowed down a Guardian journalist is neither her nor there. Suffice to say, the brown envelope Mr Murdoch gave me after the incident was sufficient cause for me to caution said driver and tell him to be on his way. This time, the driver put the newspaper down on the empty passenger seat, reversed back over the Guardian journalist, then continued forward over the deceased journalist to his destination,” a police spokeswoman told the Times newspaper.

Rebekah’s Law will ensure that anyone who wants to know if they live within a 10-mile radius of a News Corp. journalist can consult a special database.

The Home Office pilot is being extended to eight more forces in England next year.

There are fears however among police forces in England and Wales that Rebekah’s Law could encourage vigilantes to seek revenge against News of the World, Sun and Times journalists or anything else owned by the Murdochs.

“It is a very real danger that there could be some real hacking going on. We’re talking about machete and axe type hacking, not the kind that the News Corp. journalists are party to,” Chief Constable Tommy Dowler of the Association of Chief Police Officers said.

“We remain concerned about the risk of vigilante action and News International journalists going underground. All new local schemes need close management and proper resourcing to avoid this,” a concerned citizen told the BBC yesterday.

But Chief Constable Dowler said people would not need to share the information as police would inform any affected party.

The CEO of News International, Rebekah Brooks, is increasingly under pressure from the media and public as well as members of parliament to go but she is holding on valiantly.

As millions of incriminating email documents were systematically deleted detailing widespread corruption with mass payments to police officers in the Met, News of the World staff were scrambling to shred as much evidence as they possibly can before the rozzers arrive.

“The reason that Murdoch is holding on to Rebekah’s job is if she were to go, she might blab. That’s the only reason Rupert would dump a 187-year-old institution instead of her. She’s got the names that go all the way up to Murdoch and his weasel son. If she gets pushed under, then Murdoch could be in the dock, and there’s no way that will ever happen. Everyone knows that Murdoch has ties with corrupt police officers and the criminal underworld. It’s just that he is putting her in front as a human shield, although she’s not human, more like Medusa, if you ask me,” a Fleet Street contact revealed in the Guardian today.