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The News is the News

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The CEO of News International, Rebekah Brooks, is increasingly under pressure from the media and public as well as members of parliament to go but she is holding on valiantly.

As millions of incriminating email documents were systematically deleted detailing widespread corruption with mass payments to police officers in the Met, News of the World staff were scrambling to shred as much evidence as they possibly can before the rozzers arrive.

“The reason that Murdoch is holding on to Rebekah’s job is if she were to go, she might blab. That’s the only reason Rupert would dump a 187-year-old institution instead of her. She’s got the names that go all the way up to Murdoch and his weasel son. If she gets pushed under, then Murdoch could be in the dock, and there’s no way that will ever happen. Everyone knows that Murdoch has ties with corrupt police officers and the criminal underworld. It’s just that he is putting her in front as a human shield, although she’s not human, more like Medusa, if you ask me,” a Fleet Street contact revealed in the Guardian today.

Unemployed NOTW Fake Sheikh Signs On For Jobseekers Allowance

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He was once the scourge of Swedish England football managers and spendthrift ex-Duchesses everywhere, but now the man responsible for thousands of soiled celebrity underpants is living a life of poverty in a two bed council flat in Tower Hamlets.

New Deal

“I was the fake sheikh. They used to wheel me around in a silver Roller. I only stayed at top hotels in Park Lane. Now look at me. I’m a man destroyed all because that arsehole Murdoch wanted to save the ginge minge witch Rebekah Wade. Well, I get my benefit payments on a Tuesday, by Wednesday my kids have used it all up. We’re thinking of going back to Saudi Arabia, at least there we can have a good shake at getting back up to speed. Might even get hired again as a fake sheikh for a tabloid there. I can’t do anything else you see, fake sheikh-ing is my business.”

The ex-Duchess of York who was caught in a sting trying to extort £500,000 from the fake sheikh last year was glad of his demise: “I’ve been avoiding sheikhs ever since that sting where I was filmed doing the dirty. Now it’s going to be back to business as usual. My bank balance just heaved a huge sigh of relief. Access to Andrew is now open folks, so for a cool half mill, you too could get to have a chat with him and he can arrange some special business dealings with you. I’ve just gone on another massive spending spree at the mere thought of it.”

Business As Usual

As the Murdochs now plan to extend the Sun to a seven day week, the 168-year-old News of the World will be a distant memory and the BSkyB deal should be back in play.

You never know, the fake shiekh might even find his way to the Sun. Looks like nothing will change, just the name of the paper.

“We’ll be using the same offices, the same people, the same corrupt cops, and the same underhand tactics as before. It’s just that this time we’ll be extra careful in not getting caught,” Rebekah Brooks told her reporters at a News International committee meeting and memo yesterday.

Victoria Beckham Baby Could Weigh More Than Her

There are serious fears for Victoria Beckham’s health, because the baby she is carrying already weighs more than her and there may be problems during the birth, doctors claim.

“Somehow we’re going to have to pull that thing out of her. Even a cesarean would be a problem with that stick,” Dr. Arnold Kovavovic, one of the team of obstetricians who will be delivering the baby soon, told the LA Times.

During her pregnancy Mrs Beckham has had to be wheeled around on a special trolley because the baby bump dominates her body and she does not have the strength to walk on her own.

The customised contraption takes the weight off Posh’s legs and enables her to carry out her daily tasks, like not doing anything at all, shopping and scowling in front of a mirror.

“Victoria is going to be a great mother to Gucci. She wanted to call the baby Burberry but we went for Gucci instead. It’s a beautiful name and if we have another baby we’ll call them Fendi,” doting father, David Beckham, revealed to American talk show host, David Letterman, yesterday.

"The End of the News of the World is Nigh"

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“Oh no, it wasn’t me, I don’t know anything about what’s going on,” News International’s boss, Rebekah Wade/Brooks told the paper in an internal memo yesterday.

The funny thing is, chief honcho, Rupert Murdoch, also does not know anything either.

“Coming from a cold-blooded reptile like Rupert, you know that he ‘allegedly’ knows everything and has the last say of everything. This is how he does business. He has to know every minute detail of every f*cking thing that goes on. His deputy, Rebekah, has to know everything as well. Does anyone in their right mind believe that these scumbags did not question where the secret information was coming from? They are extremely angry that they have been caught this time,” a News International employee revealed yesterday evening after having his phone hacked and broadcast all over the media.

There are secret plans to shut down the paper completely this coming Sunday, Murdoch hopes this will deflect any criticism directed towards the hierarchy at News International and secure the hugely lucrative BSkyB deal.

Prime minister, David Cameron was equally indignant about his employer: “I am truly disgusted at what has happened with regards to the phone tapping of abducted and murdered teenage girls, war veterans families and 7/7 victims families by the News of the World. This is a despicable and heinous crime, but hey, Rupert got me into power in the first place, so I’m going to have to gloss over this one I’m afraid. Forget that first bit for a start. No one knows anything. BSkyB anyone?”

There are rumours that clean-up man, Max Clifford, has also been ordered onto the scene.

“If there’s a dirty job to clean up, they always use Max. No one can get lower than that scum bag leech. A man with absolutely no morals whatsoever who would parade a cancer stricken terminally ill low IQ celebrity through a media circus just so that he could get a fat cheque at the end of it,” Giles Manning, a PR executive from London firm, X-Seven, told Campaign magazine.

Liam Gallagher: I've Quit Bananas

And the 38-year-old – who hit fame singing Oasis hits like Banana Super Sundae and Clotted Cream & Bananas – reckons being on the vine has improved his jungle cry.

He says it has made it softer and more mellow on his new album Musa Acuminata’s tracks.

Liam said: “If I have a nana, I’ll be on the Christmas jungle special. I haven’t had a banana since New Year’s Eve. Ooh, Ooh! Ahh Ahh! I’m having a bit of a break. I went 20 years on the yellow stuff and messing about. It’s rubbish.

“At Knebworth I thought we were doing one banana and we were doing two. I got that mashed on the first I woke up to a knock on the door and thought I was at home back in the rainforest with a banana milk shake in my hand. I forgot all about it. That was heavy.”

But despite the lifestyle change Liam, who says his new favourite fruit are grapes, still hasn’t ended his feud with older brother and ex-bananamate Noel.

He admitted the rift is so deep he wasn’t even invited to Noel’s wedding last month.

Gallagher said: “I wouldn’t have gone anyway. I was busy getting off the bloomin’ bananas. If I had I’d have had a banana and it would have gone pear-shaped. It would’ve been like the Jungle Book.”

Liam is currently preparing himself for his first Hollywood film, Planet of the Apes II, in which he will not need any prosthetics or makeup, and will paid a six figure sum for the dream role.

Justin Bieber Has Successful Sex Change in China

Millions of Bieber fans worldwide waited in anticipation for the news of their pop hero/heroine’s sex change.

The pop star was operated on at the exclusive Chinese Institute of Medical Science, where surgeons conducted the crucial operation on Bieber, working for fifteen minutes straight.

“Oh my god, I mean, like, oh my god. Oh, oh, oh my god! I mean, like, like, oh my god! Justin Bieber! Oh my god!” a Justin Bieber fan waiting outside the Beijing Marriot said to reporters covering the spectacle.

The confused surgeon in charge of the operation, professor Xiau Xin Lin, told reporters at a post op briefing that the Bieber job was not a hard one at all but was really baffling all the same.

“Well, Bieber didn’t have a penis in the first place so our job was made a lot easier. We just shaved the three pubes and the rest of the operation went pretty smoothly. We didn’t know what it was then and we don’t really know what it is now, and we’re still searching for the words to describe it.”

Bieber will resume the world tour in three weeks after a short period of convalescence.

Money Talks Strauss-Kahn Walks

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“Dominique says that he wants to celebrate by having an anal sex orgy with eight prostitutes tonight. I said it’s ok as long as they clean up the mess afterwards,” Strauss-Kahn’s wife, Anne Sinclair told the New York Times just after his court hearing yesterday.

Meanwhile in France, someone, namely Sarkozy, has been quaking in his boots at the mere thought of Strauss-Kahn coming back and threatening his role as president.

“Nicolas is not only worried for the French premiership, but also his wife, Carla. All it takes is five minutes in a room alone with Gaston and she will be begging for more. Which is something that never happens with willie winkie Sarko,” a political commentator in Paris told Le Figaro.

Massive Public Sector Strike Just Like Any Other Day in Britain

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It was touted as being the strike of the century. Instead, the massive strike made no difference as no one really noticed any difference in the working practices of the 100,000 civil servants and teachers when they were absent from their gold-plated taxpayer funded jobs.

“Instead of getting £56,000 per annum for my pension when I retire at 45, I will instead be getting only £50,000 on my gold-plated taxpayer funded pension. This is a bloody disgrace. On top of my four month paid holidays every few months and salary of £75,000 per annum I don’t know how I can possibly cope?” Julian Bunion, a recently qualified woodwork teacher from a South London comprehensive school told the BBC.

Union officials who languish on £200,000 salary minimums, free holidays and large gold-plated pensions, were yesterday lunching at London’s top eateries whilst their members were marching through central London.

One of the union officials, Bob Vulture, leader of the RMT union, was lunching at Claridges and said: “Here I am sitting in this capitalist swine pit dining on the finest gourmet cuisine. You know what the bill is? £785 quid. You, the taxpayer just paid for my meal which I will shit out into toilet bowl later on today. This is socialism at work dear taxpayers, just think you’re paying for me to live a life of luxury off your backs. This is my gift to you lousy proles who pay my huge salary and limitless expense account. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with all the cash, and neither do all our members who receive huge amounts of it every month. It certainly ain’t the private sector. Socialism, stroke communism, is so great, innit?”

Kabul Surrenders as Americans Evacuated

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The President, Hamid Karzai, who has been in office since the beginning of the occupation, made the announcement in a radio broadcast to the nation early this morning. He asked his forces to lay down their arms and called on the North Taliban Army and Mujaheddin to halt all hostilities.

In a direct appeal to the Taliban forces, he said: “We are here to hand over to you the power in order to avoid bloodshed. But, as long as I get airlifted out, who cares. Thank you Obama for ordering the surrender.”

The announcement was followed swiftly by the arrival of Taliban fighters. Their entrance was virtually unopposed, confounding predictions of a bloody and protracted last-ditch battle for the city.

War ends

The front line of scooters smashed through the gates of the presidential palace within minutes, and at 1130 local time (0330 GMT), decades of war came to an end.

Taliban troops, many barefoot and some no more than teenagers, rounded up government soldiers, and raised their red and blue flags. The looting which has ravaged the city over the last 24 hours stopped, and power was restored later in the day. Only the United States embassy remained closed and silent, ransacked by looters.

Kabul was immediately renamed Taliban City. A statement by the Provisional Taliban Government, or PTG, in Pakistan, promised a policy of non-alignment, and the peaceful reunification of Afghanistan .

The British government is now urgently reviewing the possibility of recognising the PTG. France has already recognised the new regime, and other Western countries are preparing to follow suit.

Frenzied evacuation

The capitulation of the Vichy Afghan government came just four hours after the last frenzied evacuation of Americans from the city.

President Obama, who has requested humanitarian aid for the Afghans , let it be known that he was proud to have saved what Afghans he could in the last, frantic helicopter evacuation.

But there is said to be deep humiliation in the United States government at the desperation and chaos of the final hours of America’s presence in Afghanistan.

The President ordered United States ships to remain indefinitely off the Afghan coast to pick up refugees: but even this gesture has been snubbed by the Taliban, who have prevented any more refugees from fleeing.

Johann Hari Coming to Work For Daily Squib

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“Someone with Hari’s excellent skill for ‘writing’ stories will be greatly treasured in the halls and writing rooms of the Squib. In fact, we’ve got him pride of place in the golden cubicle, resplendent with a cushioned lavatory seat and a flush that makes a very satisfying sound indeed,” Armitage Shanks, chief sub sub editor of the Daily Squib said.

The former Independent journalist was gracious in his acceptance speech yesterday: “Thank you dear friends. When I was last in Dubai researching a story, I thought to myself, there has to be a higher place than merely making stuff up for the Independent. Why not really graduate and reach the pinnacle of journalistic licence. And then it hit me in the f*cking eye like a bolt of electricity, I had to get away from the Independent and forge my way into the real world, diving headlong into the meat, sewage and potatoes of journalism. Well, here I am, and I have already seen the midget room, and the hanging room. My toilet chair is marvellous where I will do the writing from. Thank you dear Squib friends for accepting me and I shall swear allegiance to write as much flapdoodle bollocks as I possibly can.”

Expect to see more Hari bollocks in the Squib soon, and we’re not talking about Anne Widdecombe either.