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Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mrs. Merkel?

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We used to have Churchill but now we’ve got Cameron. Prepare for an invasion and a welcome reception to the invading marauders by Number10.

“You vill surrender at all costs or ve vill start to send ovah zee doodlebugs again,” Franz Goering, head of the EU’s airforce, the EUwaffe, told totalitarian news service, The European.

Stukas at Three O’Clock

As the threat of the European Union rises, Brits are being told to be vigilant and guard themselves from the daily deluge of EU directives.

“Today we had two more EU directives. They want us to wipe our arses with one sheet of paper only so as to adhere to the EU carbon shit emissions directive B2343 section 2D. Well, I used the piece of paper with the directive on it to wipe my arse, then put it in an envelope and sent it back to Brussels. Hopefully, Sarko opens that particular envelope, the slimy surrender monkey,” Jed Warde, 45, from Ginster, Surrey told the Daily Mailograph.

Head of the EU Reich, Frau Merkel warned the British about any disobedience with regards to the new European age of conquest.

“Not one single shot was fired to take France and all the other EU countries now under our totalitarian state. We would advise the Britishers to comply with assimilation or there will be actual shots fired this time. 1942 was a trial run for what is going to come. You have been warned.”

Another quotation from the father off the EU himself, Jean Monnet, who said this on 30 April 1952, puts everything into context:

“Europe’s nations should be guided towards the super-state without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps each disguised as having an economic purpose, but which will eventually and irreversibly lead to federation.” 

Ed Balls Loses Testicles in Terrible Football Accident

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Mr Balls was playing 5-a-side football at a Labour party conference match when he tried to kick the ball. Both of his testicles were caught in the seam of his shorts and detached from his body. Ambulance crews were on the scene within minutes to stretcher Balls off the pitch, and a ball boy was recruited to try and locate Mr Balls’ balls.

“We found them near the penalty area, obviously he punted them halfway up the pitch. Poor bastard, I was about to offside him as well but after that I let him go. I figured he’s got worse things to worry about now, innit,” the game’s referee, Gerard Motherwell, told the Sun newspaper.

Surgeons were not able to disclose whether Mr Balls’ testicles will be able to be sewn back on and have remained silent about the terrible injury.

Mr Balls who is in a critical but stable condition at Scunthorpe General Hospital made no comment about the injury, but it is assumed he will resume his role as shadow chancellor as soon as he makes a recovery in a week or so.

The Best Antidote to the EU is Greece

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The best way for the EU to be reduced to a smouldering wreck is for Greece to stay in the euro. We should be encouraging this because it will mean that they will drag the rest of Europe down into the mire. Hades will be a welcome sight to the French and Germans after they are dragged through the broken glass by their goolies and splattered on the rocks of the Aegean.

“We want Greece to stay in the euro currency because they’re like a tumour growing inside the EU. They’re like a Trojan cancer spreading from country to country. The French will defend Greece to the end even though the Greeks have literally shat in their frog leg soup. It’s not just the frogs who will hopefully be dragged down but the Krauts as well, we all know they’ll get sucked under too. They’ve already bailed the Greeks out twice and because Greeks don’t pay tax and live off EU subsidies, their country is not sustainable economically. Greece will take them all down, because the eurocrats are blinded by their decision to keep Greece in the euro,” Jim Hedger, a staunch eurosceptic MEP told the Guardian.

When Greece defaults and is still allowed to stay in the euro currency, there will be an interim period of rejoicing from the eurocrats, but this will be short lived, because the Greeks will simply repeat their profligacy and ask for more money at a later date.

“The Greeks will have their debt wiped out. Then they will be rewarded by being given more money from Germany and told that they can stay in the euro. That’s like telling the malignant tumour that is stuck inside of your body that it can stay there and create more trouble by spreading instead of letting the surgeon cut it out and letting your body recover. Greece will take the EU down and the delusional leeches that are siphoning off every morsel of cash from the destitute taxpayers of Europe will be stripped of their cash cow forever,” Joel Mancini, an EU political commentator told Newsweek.

Unfortunately, the only people who will suffer when the pack of cards finally fall will be everyone but the super-rich. The statesmen and grotesquely rich business people who have plundered the population for so long, will simply enter their luxury shelters or exclusive islands, and watch the show kick off from afar. For the ordinary civilians, it is best to stock up with as many supplies as you can find and leave the cities for remote areas in the country. When the marauding gangs are searching for food and water in the hell hole cities, you and your family want to be as far away from them as possible.

You don’t think for one second that the likes of Mandy and Blair will stick around in the cities do you? They will encamp to some super rich playground in Montenegro and watch the fireworks go off, only emerging once the wars have died down in about ten or fifteen years.

The Greeks should be applauded because they have brought down Europe with one single blow, they did not have to send an army of pom pom sporting dancers carrying 1970s issue rifles to attack the EU, they instead took the money from the rich EU states and spent it all without recourse.

Greece have done a wonderful job with the EU in bringing it to its knees, but unfortunately, the thick heads at the top of the EU are morons and will need to be completely destroyed until they finally get the message. If you are a eurosceptic, you should be hoping that Greece stays in and is allowed to finish the job it started.

As the Achilles heel bleeds all over the place, so too does the mortally wounded EU. The Greeks should be praised for their sheer balls in taking the EU for a ride, then destroying their dream of an EU super state and having the cheek to pretend that they did nothing wrong in the first place.

IMF’d: Even Drudge Report Starts Repeating Daily Squib Headlines From 2010

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“I wrote this IMF bailout story back in 2010 and of course, in the spirit of the Squib it was totally tongue in cheek. I just looked at the headlines on the internets today and realise that what I foresaw in 2010 has become reality,” Frederico Mullet, one of our writers said from his toilet cubicle.

Many people on the internet agree that the Daily Squib comes up with the goods sometimes years in advance, and if you want to know the future, read the Squib.

“Yes, I have to say whenever I want to know what is going to happen I read the Daily Squib. They seem to have a good understanding of what is happening now and what is likely to happen in the near future. The ‘IMF Needs Emergency Bailout‘ story is a good example of this very fact. Today’s Drudge headline points to a report by the Telegraph where the new IMF chief, Christine Lagarde, starts bawling uncontrollably at the folly of the whole terrible situation. Naturally, when the Squib wrote the piece, DSK was still head of the IMF, and even the canny Squib could not ever predict he would be later ousted from his job for ‘allegedly’ raping a chamber maid. I’ve had the old reptile on the blower shouting at me that he wants the Times to predict the future like the Squib, I told the old dalek that we’ve tried and tried dozens of times but can’t do it. His son then told me to bug whoever or whatever it takes to get the stories,” Robbie McJenkem, editor in chief of the Times wrote today.

Palestine: "Would the Nazis Have Given the Jews Statehood in Europe?"

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Speaking from the UN in New York, Israeli PM, Binyamin Netanyahu said: “Why does the world shed crocodile’s tears over the richly merited fate of a small Palestinian minority? … I ask Obama, I ask the Jewish people: Are you prepared to receive in your midst these well-poisoners of the Israeli people and the universal spirit of Zionism? We would willingly give everyone of them a free steamer-ticket and a thousand-shekel note for travelling expenses, if we could get rid of them.”

The Israeli premier was met with rapturous applause from the assembled Israeli contingent.

“Israel will regard the Palestinian question as solved only after the very last Palestinian has left the greater Israeli living space…  Zion will have its Palestinian question solved only after the very last Arab has left our lands.”

Mr Netanyahu then said: “For us, this is not a problem you can turn a blind eye to-one to be solved by small concessions.  For us, it is a problem of whether our nation can ever recover its health, whether the Palestinian spirit can ever really be eradicated.  Don’t be misled into thinking you can fight a disease without killing the carrier, without destroying the bacillus.  Don’t think you can fight racial tuberculosis without taking care to rid the nation of the carrier of that racial tuberculosis.  This Palestinian contamination will not subside, this poisoning of the nation will not end, until the carrier himself, the Palestinian Arab, has been banished from our midst.” (Applause)

The Palestinian contingent, who were watching the Israeli officials hold their fists in the air defiantly, cowered in the corner of the United Nations conference hall.

“We will never let the Untermenschen get over the wall to Israel. As you can see we have built a big concrete wall to keep the animals out of Israel. What do you gentiles suggest, that we demolish the 70 foot concrete walls and acknowledge the existence of non-humans?” Mr Netenyahu shouted before leaving the conference hall.

It seems that the bullied has now turned into the bullier.

EU Orders Britain to Pay Up For Euro Failure

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“Ve haf vays of making you pay more tax you schweinhunds,” an EU official has told Britain’s chancellor, Osborne, yesterday at an impromptu EU finance meeting in Brussels.

EU budget commissioner Janusz Lewandowski, ordered the British chancellor to commit Britain to pay billions more tax to fund poor Eastern European countries like Greece, Romania, Slovakia and Lithuania who are wallowing in huge amounts of unsustainable debt.

Ripoff Britain

“Because Britain signed up to the EU charter it is obligated to bail out the profligate lazy countries of Europe that wallowed in EU subsidies for ten whole years and cooked the books to gain admission to the single currency. We’re not mentioning any names here, ahem, Greekies. Well, we’ve had ten years of indiscriminate spending, and somebody has to pay back that shit. Step up to the plate, Britain. You idiotic suckers just do everything that you are told to do without question, so we are telling you to pay the f*ck up. I see how every indignity is foisted on your pliant population of sheep, and they lap it up. Please sir, can I have some more, as your masters whip you into submission every day. So Englishers, eat up your cold porridge and your gruel, you owe us more money. Pay up like the good scum that you are,” Mr Lewandowski told the BBC after the meeting at the EU head quarters.

Britain already hands over £16 billion per annum to the EU super state and has been ordered to add to this sum substantially.

“It’s a win win situation for Britain. You get to pay for the poor people to come into your country from Eastern Europe so that they can take your resources, pollute your overcrowded cities, go on unadulturated crime sprees, and clog up your roads with untaxed, unregistered vehicles that are exempt from any British fines or laws. What more do you want?” the EU budget commissioner said whilst grinning like a well fed Cheshire cat.

EU Agrees New Rescue Fund on Rescue Fund on Rescue Fund

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“It’s amazing, we still love the Greeks. They can do anything to the EU. They lied before they entered the EU, they cooked the books. We still love them and we’ll pay as much as we can to their black hole fund purely because they are such loveable characters,” Mr Barroso told the European parliament.

The latest rescue fund is more recent than the previous rescue fund last Tuesday or the one before that two weeks ago.

The EU which is dragging the whole world into a great depression and could bring on the onset of World War III, are determined to introduce another rescue fund that will be the ‘mother of all rescue funds’.

“This rescue fund is going to be the ultimate rescue fund and will solve all of Greece’s problems once and for all,” Nicolas Sarkozy, the French premier told a German TV news program.

What he did not however mention is that he used the exact same words to describe all the other rescue funds that preceded the current rescue fund and probably the rescue funds that will continue into oblivion.

Neutrino Discovery Could Allow Scientists to Travel Back in Time to Tell Einstein to Not bother With His Theories

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“It was only a matter of time innit, we caught up with Albert and his theory. Neutrinos, the subatomic particles travelling faster than the speed of light, prove that time travel is indeed possible and we’re going to rustle up a time machine next week to prove our point,” head physicist at the institute, in Geneva, told the BBC.

The team of scientists are all itching to get back to 1905 Germany to tentatively tell Einstein not to bother with his famous theory of relativity.

“We’ll try and break the news to him lightly I might even take my iPad back there and that should convince him to go back to the patent office in Bern and stay there for the rest of his life,” another scientist quipped.

Moody's in Bad Mood Again

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“Moody’s got up the wrong side of the bed this morning, they just downgraded us to D- and frankly I’m sick of those moody bastards,” CEO for Bank of the US of Fuckin’ A, Arnold McRetch, told CNN.

Companies and institutions are slowly learning to not piss Moody’s off in any way because of its bad temper.

“Shit can flare up any moment. One minute you might be on AA+ then you go get some lunch from Taco Bell, come back to the office and you got yourself a B-,” Ed Herlihy, senior analyst at Grieves Lansdowne Investment Bank told the Financial Times.

There are rumours on Wall Street that Moody’s doesn’t like Mondays either, and usually goes on a downgrading spree first thing Monday morning.

“They come in first thing in the morning and these guys are pissed. They pose moodily around the coffee machine, all glum and angsty. They don’t want to be in the office on Monday morning. They slam down the black coffee, take a few snorts, then start downgrading.” Ed McElratchety, an ex-Moody’s mail man told WKNS radio.

Global Recession Finally Over Let the Good Times Roll

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There were mass street celebrations all over the world including cities like Sidney, Vienna, Phnom Penh and even in London.

Millions of people took to the streets to celebrate the end of the recession.

Banks were happy too, and were giving away unsecured loans to anyone without so much as a form being filled in.

“I walked into a branch of Midland bank and they sat me down on a chair and gave me a loan for £10,000 at a dirty low interest rate and a 130% mortgage. They just said, you can pay it back whenever you want,” Larry Jagger, 25, from Hartlepool, England, told the BBC.

Global stock markets jumped up 46% on Tuesday as the news headlines streamed the glorious announcement.

Not only have the banks opened up again, so have the car manufacturers who are doing buy one get one free deals. Both Ford and GM are giving away brand new SUV’s if you buy a mid size luxury car.

Supermarkets were giving away free food to people in the streets and Apple stores were literally shedding ipods in malls all across the Western world.

Credit card companies all over the world immediately started promoting 0% APR credit cards.

Consumers all over the world rejoiced: “We’re out of the recession. I feel like a black cloud has been lifted from the land and I can breathe again. I can spend, spend, spend, again without the old fear creeping around the corner for awhile. I think I just had a multiple cash orgasm all over the shopping mall,” Dana Kurvinski, 23, from Daytona Beach, Florida told CBS.