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George Osborne: “Would You Like a Triple Dip With That Great Depression?”

Al Schutja
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George Osborne: “Would You Like a Triple Dip With That Great Depression?”

The theme of the new restaurants will be one of a dungeon where patrons enter and order their food whilst being whipped incessantly by tax collectors. You will then be given a menu with only two things on it, a triple dip mush plate, or a quadruple dip plate. You will be asked to accept huge price rises on the items you order and if you don’t accept that, you will be whipped until your back bleeds even further,” a gleeful looking Chancellor announced today at a champagne filled private dinner.

The menu in the new taxpayer funded restaurant will also include a drink called a Great Depression. No one knows the ingredients but some think it is made from bootleg vodka distilled by Eastern European gangsters from Grimsby, Northern England.

“There is one f*cking bonus for you all. With your Triple Dip mush plate you can drink our Great Depression vodka which contains high levels of industrial alcohol, not meant for human consumption and if you’re lucky you may lose all powers of speech and sight. Then once that happens, we slap another tax on you and kick you out the door without so much as a piffling thank you. And don’t forget to leave a tip you filthy taxpaying swine piece of sh*t bastard,” One of Osborne’s deputies said yesterday.

Starbucks Store Inside Starbucks Store Could Fit Two or Three More Starbucks Stores Says CEO

Al Schutja
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1
Starbucks Store Inside Starbucks Store Could Fit Two or Three More Starbucks Stores Says CEO

“The new stores will have Starbucks Extra stores within the Starbucks store, and once you’re in the Starbucks Extra store you can take an elevator up to the second floor which will have a Starbucks Extra Extra store. Of course none of these establishments will pay any UK corporation taxation but that’s neither here nor there,” CEO Johnsons Milkpaddle, said from the company’s Seattle HQ offices.

The new Starbucks stores will create more poorly paid low wage jobs in the UK to sell the overpriced syrup drinks.

Prince Charles Selling Horse Burgers From Sandringham

Al Schutja
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0
Prince Charles Selling Horse Burgers From Sandringham

“I don’t want to be all hoof about this but the French have been eating horse for centuries. I eat horse every night myself, so I had a little thought in my study the other night, why not extend my Duchy range to horse meat burgers? There’s certainly a taste for it as the British people have been eating it, unknowingly I admit, for decades. They never complained once, even when they were told what they were eating,” the Prince of Wales said from the sprawling estate.

So next time you’re at a Polo game after a chukka or two, you might spy a few burgers there trotting around on the grill. Don’t worry they won’t gallop away because they’re horse burgers and dead as an errant twitch in Philip’s underpants.

French Rotten Eggs Stench Reaches UK

Al Schutja
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0
French Rotten Eggs Stench Reaches UK

“I ‘ave arrivee in the UK pour le 50% tax as opposed to le 75% tax,” Mr Sarkozy told the BBC news service on Tuesday.

Mr Bling Bling as he is affectionately known in France, may also be fleeing le fraud charges from his own country.

Mr Sarkozy will be accompanied by his lovely plasticened wife Carla Bruni, who is sure to liven up the rather droll party circuit in London.

The former French president once proclaimed that there were too many foreigners in France, looks like he’s the Johnny foreigner now.

Would You Buy a Used EU Referendum From This Man?

Al Schutja
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0
Would You Buy a Used EU Referendum From This Man?

“Negotiating with the British electorate is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you pretend you’re on their side, then you ply them with fine wines and Belgian chocolates, string ’em along with some half-lies and evasions, promise them the earth, and then hand them over to the EU for a thoroughly good In/Out EU Referogering,” Swiss Davi said from his used car lot in Downing Street.

Do you still want to buy that used referendum now?

Obama Wants Every American to Sell Tupperware to Reduce Deficit

Al Schutja
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0
Obama Wants Every American to Sell Tupperware to Reduce Deficit

“Folks, I was playing golf the other day and I thought to myself, ding, why don’t I get every American to sell tupperware so that we can get out of my spending spree created deficit and recession. If every American made say fifty bucks a day and gave it to the government we could pay 1% of the interest on the debt we owe. You know that is at least something, right?” Obama said to rapturous applause from the Inaugeration audience.

The democrats want all Americans to sell as much tupperware as they can possible manage.

“If you can’t sell it to your granny or members of your family, how about random people in the street? Just tell them it’s their patriotic duty to buy or we all go down the drain,” Al Sterrincs, an Obama campaign officer told CBS news.

Democrat economists praised the Obama idea but there’s only one minor drawback. If everyone has tupperware and are trying to sell their tupperware to people who have tonnes of tupperware, then who’s going to buy the tupperware?

“And that’s not all, we gon’ have all this tupperware but no food to put in it,” Janice Delray, 45, an unemployed woman on food stamps from Kentucky told local news stations.

Mali Gold Mines Safe For Now French Army Says

Al Schutja
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0
Mali Gold Mines Safe For Now French Army Says

“We have liberated the gold mines and have preserved democracy for the big gold nuggets in the mines so that the bad guys don’t get them,” Lieutenant Julien Francois told Le Figaro.

The ongoing operation was dangerous and some French personnel were unfortunately lost during the repatriation of the gold mines.

“Mali is just one big gold mine, it’s a good thing that these Al Qaidas are running around all over the place, n’est pas? Otherwise why would we be here? Allez, we have to rendezvous at another gold mine where we saw some more Al Qaida and liberate those gold nuggets,” another French soldier said before leaving in the convoy.

It’s a good thing that France is broke at the moment and they have no need for such natural resources.

Daily Squib Offer: Win an Indian Bus Tour of New Delhi

Al Schutja
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2
Daily Squib Offer: Win an Indian Bus Tour of New Delhi

If you win the competition by submitting an answer to the question below you will be flown in third class to New Delhi, India and you will go on a bus tour of the colourful capital city.

The five lucky Delhi Bus Tour comp. winners are sure to have the time of their lives as they are driven around the city in a bus full of leering sex starved Indian men.

To win the competition tell us how many women were raped per day in New Delhi in 2012? a) 23 b) 65 c) 89

Send your answers on a postcard to: Daily Squib Delhi Bus Comp. P.O Box 2396, 17 Rapine Street, London, W1 6DA

Egyptian Mummy is Actually Daddy British Museum Claims

Al Schutja
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0

“We thought it was a mummy but after closer inspection this one seems to be a daddy, although we’re not 100% certain that there was any offspring, it does have some male genitalia left,” professor Arkleblather said.

The hundred odd mummies all in the British Museum are now being re-examined and in some cases renamed.

“I do feel rather silly about it all. I’ve been calling them mummies ever since I was a little lad but now it seems a lot of them are daddies,” a British Museum attendee said on Saturday.

The shadow cabinet Labour gender equalities minister, Harriet Harperson chimed in about the news: “Even though I detest the male species with a vengeance, I believe in equality to some extent, therefore I will allow these mummies to be daddies as well.”

Children Told to Disarm American Gun Owners

Al Schutja
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0

All children from the age of 3-18 will be required by the new Obama ‘Kid Take that Adult Gun Away’ directive to first inform the adult that shooting is a bad thing, then tell the adult to drop the gun or guns on the floor. When the adult complies, he will then be told he is a good citizen and an Obama supervisor will be on scene to remove the firearms permanently and give the adult a gift voucher for approximately 40-60 dollars.

Obama knows that the children are the key to disarming American citizens. By using the kids, he’s getting to the very primal nature of adulthood. You want to do best for your kid, and when the child tells you to “put the gun down for me” you do it.

The kids who successfully disarm the adults will be all rewarded with a presidential letter of thanks directly from the White House and a box of candy.

“Uncle Obama said I could do good so I told my pa to put the AR-15 down and he did. Now I gots me a reward and some candy,” Kris Booney, 12, from Montana told CNN.

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