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John Kerry’s Toupee Visits Britain

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“I must say it is an impressive piece,” Foreign Secretary, William Hague commented when he met Mr Kerry’s toupee.

Mr Hague has even shown interest in acquiring a similar hair piece so he can dazzle his wife Ffion with it.

“I might take her to one of those seedy hotels in Earls Court and get a room with twin beds in it. When I get my new hair, she will most certainly push the two beds together,” Mr Hague quipped.

At one point while visiting Number10 Downing Street a gust of wind blew Mr Kerry’s hair piece off.

Mr Kerry said in his droning monotone voice: “That toupee went down like the Belgrano. Ouch!”

Gérard Depardieu Eats Vladimir Putin

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The Russian president, who is considerably smaller than Depardieu, tried to run away when the hungry Frenchman took out a bucket of Hollandaise sauce and grabbed Mr Putin with his chubby fat fingers. The details are too graphic to describe here.

“It was all over in a few moments. Putin never had a chance. This is a sad day for mother Russia,” Sergei Molotov, a Russian reporter at the scene said.

Mr Depardieu was on a trip to Russia to gain citizenship and avoid the punitive tax system brought in by French socialist president Francois Hollande.

“He touched down in Russia four days ago but all they have there is cabbage soup, cabbage salad, cabbage and vodka casserole and pickled cabbage. He must have been starving poor chap, he is only used to the finest French cuisine and not that Russki peasant slop,” Pierre Lejardin, a writer and friend of Depardieu‘s revealed.

President Vladimir Putin will be remembered as a staunch defender of Russia, and even though he liked to pose as a hard man in photo shoots, was actually a quiet reserved individual.

Taylor Swift to Star In ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’ Remake

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After sleeping with the whole production team, director and extras, she was told that she had secured the deal.

“We are pleased to announce that Taylor Swift will be playing the starring role after giving me the greatest night of my frickin’ life,” a member of the team revealed yesterday.

The film will be a loosely adapted version of the Jules Verne classic, except this time about a loose pop starlet who eventually catches a terrible venereal disease and carries it around the world like some unholy piece of luggage in eighty days.

Swift’s character, called Fillmyass Fogg, will travel the world in a balloon after accepting a wager that she can sleep with no less than 80,000 men in 80 days.

“This is a seminal semen filled film for any fan of Taylor Swift. You will see this wonderful strumpet strutting her wares to all and sundry as she trollops her way around the world in eighty days doling her now very loose oyster out to thousands of baying men,” the director Harold Cumalot, told Hollywood Now magazine.

The film will be released in eighty days. Work it out yourself.

Daily Squib Ten-Step Plan For UK Economic Recovery

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We asked our resident economic expert Professor Lewis Handlebarr, to give his solution to Britain’s economic malaise. He came up with a 10 point plan in less than five minutes. Please do tell us what you think of his suggestions.

Ten Simple Economic Points to Make Britain Great Once More

1) Dump all long-term benefits holders except for the severely disabled. Benefits should only be paid for 6 months, then cut off for life. This will also solve the benefit tourism problem.

2) Reduce VAT to 12% from the current stifling 20%. This will invigorate business and commerce to extreme levels and actually increase tax receipts for the government as people spend more.

3) Reduce taxation on fuel by 75%. Britain will get moving again.

4) Reduce the size of the NHS to a bare minimum and ban any foreigners from using it. Ban drunks and drug users from the NHS. Sack 90% of the NHS managers and recruit more nurses paying them proper wages.

5) Only allow UK immigration to people with jobs and income of over £35,000. Dump all foreign aid saving billions. Airlift all illegal immigrants, foreign criminals and benefit tourists out of the UK immediately and build offshore holding ships to house them before forced deportation.

6) Stop all housing benefit and do not encourage people who cannot afford children to breed. Pay people on benefits not to breed.

7) Reduce corporation tax, income tax, council tax, capital gains tax, and all the other taxes.

8) Get out of the EU. The rest of the world is out of the EU and they’re doing fine.

9) Reduce the BBC to the World Service and limited TV scheduling. Sack all the useless parasitic BBC managers and overpaid jackals ripping off the taxpayer. Reduce the BBC TV tax to £15/annum for everyone.

10) Bring manufacturing home, and start building, pay decent wages, and create jobs to make Britain Great once more.

Horses Close to Extinction in UK and Europe

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“We can’t find any horses in Europe any more. We’ve eaten them all and we need to bring in horses from South America or North America,” Edoardo Montelban, a conservationist for the World Wildlife Fund based in Madrid, Spain told the BBC yesterday.

There has not been a horse race in Britain for weeks as there are no horses left in mainland Britain.

“Someone ate the whole bloody 2.30 Cheltenham race and now we’ve just got a retired John McCririck running up and down the course commentating on non-existent horses,” a race punter said.

If anyone sees any horses in the UK please contact: Horse Conservation Group, Not the Findus Factory, Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, GL2 AAA

George Osborne: “Next Stop Quadruple Dip”

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“I have these amazing ideas, and this morning when I heard the wonderful news that our economy will now enter a triple dip recession, I thought why stop there? Why not a quadruple dip after that?” the Chancellor told the BBC.

So what would a quadruple dip recession be like?

Economist, Louis Horatio has a few ideas: “The quadruple dip recession would be very much like the third, second and first dip but with a little more severity. You know, like you just had three successive cardiac arrests and the fourth really gets you. You’re still barely alive and half of your face and body is now paralysed, you may last another few weeks after the fourth, but if you’re in an overcrowded NHS ward, not likely.”

Farewell AAA and Hello B Minus For UK

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“Maybe we should tax people more to stimulate the economy further,” George Osborne quipped.

David Cameron added: “Well, taxing people to death has really worked so far so we should carry on doing that. Great idea George.”

Indeed, the Coalition government’s wonderful plan of increasing taxes to impossible levels and still increasing them even more, has worked a treat in bringing on a third dip in the economy.

“It’s lovely, innit? I love being in a triple dip recession because everyone gets fucked then,” an anarchist waiting in the wings commented.

Maybe mass civil unrest is the recipe that everyone needs after all. Hail the triple dip. Farewell AAA!

Luxury Hotels to Stay in During the Economic Depression

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You may be on the brink of financial collapse, your household finances in ruins and your budget barely able to afford to put food on the table, but why not book a luxury hotel trip for the whole family for posterities sake so you can sink even deeper into the mire?

The Daily Squib Luxury Hotel Guide

 

1) That payday loan at 13,600% APR really paid off and you and the missus are on the way to a luxury hotel for the night. The edifice of the Turlows hotel will be familiar to anyone who’s murdered their grandma for her inheritance to pay for a fleeting luxury lifestyle for a few days. This amazing hotel has recently had an £18million refurbishment. The hotel’s 300 5 star rooms have been completely redesigned to look really really expensive, as have the hotel’s food and beverage offerings and common areas. At £7,500 per night for the cheapest room please enjoy your stay and don’t forget to check out at the top fifty fourth floor restaurant jumping through the glass when you receive your fucking bill.

2) Forget your kids’ university fund, why not piss it all away with a two night stay at this amazing joint? Chingku has unveiled its second property in China this month, with the opening of Chingku Yunnan Resort & Spa. Rooms cost a whopping $23,000 per night and you get a bowl of fucking soup with that too — get used to it because you’ll be eating that for the rest of your sorry life after spending all your money in this expensive toxic plastic Chinese shit hole. Situated about an hour from LingFong International Airport in China’s Yunnan factory district (explosions optional), the property contains 280 guest rooms and 43 villas spread over a 600 hectare site with 50 different plastic toxic garden habitats.

3) You’ve got no money and the world is in a terrible economic depression. Fuck it! Contemporary art collectors Hermy DiGonzo and Fanny Tucker have opened this luxury boutique hotel with smarmy overpriced art splatterings on the fucking walls. By adding the art on the walls, the price just went up by 1850% so enjoy the unaffordable ambience of your fucking stay. The quirky rooms provide a place to enjoy art and cultural performances while your home is repossessed by the bank at home.

4) Celebrated chef Nobber Shamagato has expanded his interests in the hospitality (cleaning out) industry with the opening of the Nobber Hotel at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Enjoy your unaffordable stay and why not gamble away the little you may have left in the casino downstairs. The hotel includes the world’s largest Nobber restaurant, which no doubt will be popular with guests drawn to his name but not his extortionate fucking prices. Don’t forget, the check-out time is 3am in the morning when they turf you out of bed and throw you in the street for not being able to pay the full cost of the bill.

5) Bland and boring desert shit hole Dubai can claim another spot in the record books – with the opening of the Islamic Highest High Highest of All Tower this month it is now home to the world’s tallest hotel. Coming in at 12,764ft, the remarkably ugly and vulgar hotel includes five hundred and ninety restaurants all selling the same shit food. The rooms will set you back thirty years of your life as you are imprisoned in one of the famous Dubai jails for not paying your bill debt after checking-out of the luxury hotel, or you can simply jump to your death from the top floor.

Brit Awards Latest

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Imagine a grey forest with desecrated trees, just the stumps smouldering in the charred ground and dark clouds spitting out acid rain onto the sodden earth. This is the Music Industry now, and these are the bland, talentless corporate acts that are now its champion.

“Our marketing department sold X amount of records last year and we received a Brit award for it. That means we’re great musicians and songwriters even though we cannot play a single note,” a member of some anonymous boy band revealed last night.

What is the point in having such a bland useless award ceremony for such a bland useless crop of multinational conglomerate created pap?

“If you feed the people enough crap, then they don’t know anything else and consume it without question. Look at the horse and donkey meat being served up to the masses. The people just eat it up without protest and would have continued to do so if no one had said anything,” a Brit award ceremony commentator said last night.

Hercule Poirot Investigates Pistorius

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“Mes amis, we have a rather delicate problem here. We must first find the motive, then we can find the conclusion to the ruse and games being played here. It may look like a situation with a jilted lover who has had one steroid too many and done the dirty deed on his poor girlfriend but let us not pass judgement too easily. Conversely, it could be that our legless friend is one hundred percent innocent and genuinely thought that an intruder had somehow alighted in the ensuite bathroom and locked themselves in there to steal a few bars of soap. Whichever way you choose to look at this, the answer is already a known fact, we are the ones who have to discover it and bring upon justice,” monsieur Poirot said, shortly after arriving at the scene of the murder yesterday.

The case is ongoing.