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Comrade Chavez Goes to the Great Dacha in the Sky

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“Our beloved Comrade is now at rest in the great dacha in the sky. Venezuela’s loss is Stalin, Marx, Mao, Ken Livinstone and Lenin’s gain. He will also be meeting up with the other great revolutionary, Che Guevara up there in the red commie clouds,” a Venezuelan mourner told local Caracas radio stations today.

The staunch communist who amassed a personal fortune of $2 billion will be buried sometime next week.

On a slow news day like today, it’s great to get a little injection of news, and the death of Hugo Chavez is certainly a little morsel to sate the appetite slightly.

“We needed some kind of news like this, but it was inevitable, especially after the recent denials by Venezuelan officials for the past few days that Chavez had died. It’s always the case with such stories that when you have vehement denials like that, you know the inevitable has already occurred,” one of the news hungry journo’s outside the Chavez palace told their audience.

Cameron: “Destruction of the Pound Nearly Complete”

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“By destroying the Pound we set ourselves up to eventually join the euro currency. That’s the ultimate plan I have been told by my boss Frau Merkel,” Mr Cameron divulged in a Sunday Times articles yesterday.

The complete devaluation of the pound also serves as a stick to beat the already impoverished people of Britain further.

“Indeed, if one engineers the destruction of the currency, this means imports are far more expensive and may have to be halted all together increasing the cost of living to dizzying heights. Furthermore, the low value of the Pound means that Britons cannot travel outside the UK any more or move their assets abroad either, unless of course they want to lose huge chunks of what little they have left. This coupled with the proposed negative banking base rate is a coup de grace on the neck of the populations, who are already under vast economic strain and an avalanche of personal debt. My esteemed colleague, George Osborne has also ensured that Britain has lost its valued AAA rating thus increasing government borrowing costs and future interest payments on our vast deficit. The standard of living in the UK is already one of the lowest in Europe, we want to bring it below Romania and Bulgaria so that when 29 million of them are eligible to come here soon, they will feel at home,” Mr Cameron added.

Even though the Prime Minister has proposed an EU referendum, there is very little chance that he may win the 2015 election, and even if he does, the amount of pro EU propaganda that is spewed out in the controlled media by him will ensure that the brainwashed battered Britons vote to stay in the EU or vote for Labour and embrace the EU anyway.

“One plans any government move years in advance of the actual act. We have already factored in many variables regarding the destruction of the formerly Great British Pound and the introduction of the euro. The vast influx of immigration from the Balkans and former Soviet Bloc countries will ensure that Britain’s society and culture is irreparably fractured and the all important class system is completely destroyed. This is the only way we can get Britain into the EU, by completely eradicating its culture and sovereignty. It is impossible to have a British class system when 85% of people in the room are from Eastern Europe and the Third World. This is how our masters, the EU technocrats, plan on destroying Britain from the inside by demanding the UK has unfettered immigration. As for the City, Brussels is already forcing them to dump their bonuses, looks like they who championed Britain staying in the EU for so long will be one of the hardest hit by the EU. Good luck to you boys, you voted for the EU and wanted to stay in, you can enjoy losing all your goodies now,” an anonymous source from Westminster revealed Monday.

The planned destruction of the Pound is an element that ties in with the back-door integration of the euro in Scotland when it votes to gain independence soon. The Scots know that they will embrace the euro just like their Celt cousins, the Irish.

“Once the Scots strategically embrace the euro, broken Britain’s England will eventually be forced to join itself or be further destroyed economically. It will be surrounded from all sides and have nowhere to go. What are they going to do in England, and Northern Ireland? Perhaps, they can move everyone to their precious Falkland Islands. That will be funny,” an unnamed unnelected technocrat from Brussels said on Sunday.

Cruise Tops Scatology Cult Hall of Fame

“When I first saw Tom, he reminded me of a stubborn dingleberry I once had because he is so insistent and demanding. I just knew we had to recruit him into the cult so he could recruit more die hard Scatology fans.” Head of the Scatology cult, David Chimpchunks, told Scatology Today magazine.

Ever since the Scatology cult was invented by N. Ron Hubbub years ago with an almighty anal sneeze that released a load of alien sewer serpents into the depths of peoples’ minds, the cult has gone from strength to strength and recruited millions to its ranks.

“Our bowl is overflowing with supersonic klingon sewer sauce and the recruits keep coming and coming,” a jubilant David Chimpchunks said yesterday from the cult’s lavish offices in a sewage processing plant in Beverly Hills.

The 56th Scatology Awards will take place in April and are sure to be as entertaining as a bowl of fresh steaming turd soup.

First Mama Michelle Obama in Chitlin Kitchen Hell

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Michelle Obama has already been responsible for countless members of the White House staff to leave in abject disgrace after falling out with the First Lady.

“I seen her throw knives in the kitchen if the chitlins ain’t cooked right. I was washing some collard greens and she didn’t think I did it right, nigga crazy! I left after that!” Jaeneisha Latonga, an ex-White House cook revealed.

While Barack Obama acts like a jumped up dictator above ground, in the White House kitchens, the staff despair at the female dictator who is prone to bullying and thuggery of the highest order.

“I was cooking the Obamas they favourite meal, hogs maw, chitlins, ham hock, corn bread, cockscombs wit’ rice and beans, hmm, hmm when she came in and started shouting at me that I ain’t cookin’ it like her mama cooked it. I said ‘bitch cook this’ and threw a bowl of chicken feet at her. I never seen eyes like that, I gots thrown out with the trash without pay, shiiet!” Edna Jackson, a cook who is now working for a downtown Washington DC restaurant recalled.

The Obama’s like to have their food cooked the right way or there is hell to pay.

“When it come to soul food you gots to do it right but what da Obamas doin’ is actin’ like communisses. This ain’t no Marxiss? This ain’t no Stallin show huh? They’s got to get wit’ treatin’ they staff right. Ima have to go git anutha zone, anutha massa cuz this sucks. Stop wit da dictatin’ an’ shieet!” an anonymous White House kitchen worker said yesterday.

This year the White House kitchen has gone through thirty seven cooks already, up 15% from the same time last year.

Tory Party Invent Invisibility Cloak For Eastleigh Votes

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“It was a case of put the votes in and watch ’em all disappear,” a triumphant Tory leader, David Cameron said.

As a result of the scientific experiment the Tories lost by a land slide and were even beaten by underdogs UKIP.

“Now all we need is to use the invisibility cloak on David Cameron’s socialist principles, and only then may we have a fighting chance in the 2015 General Election,” a disgusted Tory backbencher revealed.

Thousands Jam St. Peter’s Square to See Pope Leave in a Puff of Smoke

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Before tens of thousands of people under clear blue skies, Pope Benedict XVI suddenly disappeared as his physical body and soul were finally recalled from whence they came.

Cheers filled St. Peter’s Square as Benedict disappeared suddenly just leaving a smell of sulphur. National flags fluttered alongside banners bearing the simple word “Grazie,” or “thanks.”

“He was taken back from where he came from. I saw lighting and fire as the great Papa disappeared in a puff of acrid sulphurous smoke. I’m all choked up from the smoke actually and can’t breathe very well so I might have to get medical help,” Adrianna Lermoustine, told Italy’s Rai Uno.

It was one of the largest crowds to turn out for Benedict in the colonnaded piazza since he was brought up from the catacombs to head the papacy nearly eight years ago.

The 85-year-old pope, seated under a canopy on the steps of the grand basilica, responded in several tongues sometimes speaking gibberish and with different voices to the crowd’s chants of joy and praise before he was reclaimed.

“I feel so sad to see him go. But our loss is his gain. Praise be to the horned one,” a 76-year-old retired Mafia hit man, Vitorio Comicci said from the event.

Miliband Sacks Balls

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“Today I sacked Balls. My scrotum, however is still intact but Balls has had the sack,” Mr Miliband told a crowd of assembled Labour politicians at noon yesterday.

Mr Miliband has been meaning to get Balls out for some time now but has had some trouble with the sacking.

“I have been trying to get the courage to sack Balls, but every time I try I can’t. This time, I kicked hard and took Balls out by sacking him,” a defiant Miliband said punching his fist in the air.

Could this recent Balls sacking be a kick in the balls for the Labour party? Answers on a postcard to Balls Sacking Comp. Room 3642, Gonad Street, London, W1 6DD. Winners get a sharp kick in the groin.

Amish Beard Thieves Strike Again

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“I went to bed last night with my beard intact. I like to stroke it before I do my evening prayers. When I woke up this morning, my chin was as smooth as a newborn calf’s butt at a livestock auction. I’ve been crying all day,” Joshua Malachite, an Amish elder told the Amish Herald.

Beard Rustling

No one knows who is clipping the precious beards from the Amish males but some have their theories about the fiendish shaving campaign.

“I reckon it’s a conspiracy to fill pillows and duvets with the beard shavings. duck down costs a lot of money but if you get a load of Amish beard fluff, then it’s jackpot time.” Isaac Mondrian, an Amish invstigator on the scene told a local Amish church meeting on Tuesday.

The Pennsylvania Amish community are living in abject fear of any further beards being rustled.

Tips For UK Savers Dealing With a Negative Banking Base Rate

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1) Spend all your money now, even if you do have a nest egg somewhere. Just spend it all and have some bloody fun. It would be gone anyway if you put it in the bank.

2) Move country. There are plenty of countries around the world that do not have a bankrupt moribund economy. You can up sticks and move your loot there instead.

3) Move your money and savings offshore to one of the many protected tax havens still active around the world but you will still unfortunately have to live in Blighty.

4) Put your money into equity. The problem there is the value of your equity can go down as well as up. If the property price, for example, crashes again you’re up shit street.

5) Withdraw all your money and keep it under the bed. You don’t need us to tell you how risky this is.

6) Buy gold. If you have enough cash buy some physical gold, because when the next major economic crash comes, paper money will be useless anyway, so you will be secure.

7) Give all your money to charity. You would have lost in anyway. Most charities give a very small percentage of takings to the cause they are supposedly helping, so you would only be giving your money away to the highly paid employee salaries of these companies.

8) Sail around the world with what’s left of your savings. Embrace a once in a lifetime trip. The memories alone would be worth their weight in gold, just avoid the coast of Somalia and you should be OK.

9) Withdraw all your cash and put it into a business. You could be successful or you could lose it all. If you make more money though, you will still have a problem because you will not be able to put it into a bank.

10) If all else fails, leave your hard earned money in the bank and watch it slowly disappear with the negative interest rates.

Catholic Church Recruiting Once Again

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“We’re losing many of our high ranking priests because they get caught. This is a tragedy for the Catholic church,” a distraught Catholic said yesterday from a church. With the sudden departure of Pope Benedict XVI and now the highest ranking priest in Britain, things are strained at the moment.

Desperate times need desperate measures and now Catholic priests are going on a recruitment drive to beef up the numbers once again.

Paedophiles, Lib Dems, seasoned buggery merchants and rapists have been a part of the Catholic church for centuries, but now times are changing and it’s dangerous for the regulars who have enjoyed their free reign for so long.

“These days people have the internet to research stuff and lawyers take on cases on a no win no fee basis. You’ve also got things like human rights issues and people actually report stuff. It’s not like the good old days when a priest would take choir boys behind the vestry in the name of Jesus and that would be enough to put the fear of God in them to keep their mouths shut afterwards,” an imprisoned paedophile Catholic priest, Lawrence McBugger from Glasgow Prison told the BBC.