“We have seen the solar flares, and some of these things are gigantinc bell bottoms streaking through the freaking sky all over the damn place. Some solar flares seem to dance around, like something from Saturday Night Fever, and others clop around the sun with something that looks like a platform shoe,” chief solar scientist, Ed Danitz, told CBS news.
There is a danger that some of these Studio 54 solar flares could somehow reach the earth causing EMP disco magic.
“The Second World War was fought for nothing, and Britain never defeated Germany. Those soldiers in WW2 fought and died for absolutely nothing, and the bravery of the British people throughout those trying years have all but been lost to Germany now. The English have all but capitulated to their great enemy, for what was once their foe is now their master, they have won the economic war without one single shot and now they are the ones dictating our laws, our economic policy and our lives. As David Cameron’s great great grandfather, Emile Levita would have said, the job is done,” John Smith, one of the only remaining Englishmen in his hometown said Friday.
Cambridge historian, Bradley Wigmore has a less abrasive tone: “One has to first understand that the first two wars were financed by British and American banks, they financed the Nazis and their military build up. The purpose of the two wars was simply to divide and conquer. It is a very simple concept, through the instrument of war one can speed through changes that need to be made to conquer opposing nations. By the use of nationalism as a tool, one can play two sides together to increase the velocity of global change and assimilation. We have to understand that the controllers think in 100 year increments, most every day people can only barely think 5 years ahead. States, multi-national companies and the people above the State, plan in 100 or 200 year increments. Hitler himself was thinking in 1000 year increments with his 1000 year Reich. Well, to get to the point, those two world wars (battles) were simply the precursor for the United Nations and EU. Britain supposedly won the battles, they were a token, but the war has definitely been won by Germany and the EU. Britain will still exist in small form, but its cultural heritage and union will be a thing of the past. Nationalism will be punished, as it is now on almost a daily basis. You are EU now not English or British.”
The EU has achieved more though non-military means than Hitler ever hoped to achieve. Hitler was simply a pawn in a much bigger game.
“It’s quite simple really, if your sensibilities are offended in any way by being on Twitter or the internet, just get off it. That’s it. Delete your account and do something else that is more attune to your personality. But please don’t shut it down for all the rest just because you were offended or have a thin skin,” an internet freedom advocator revealed today.
By utilising the spectre of illegal pictures to ban all forms of legal naughtiness, as well as shut down large parts of the internet with censorship of anything that is deemed as unpalatable to the people trying to destroy freedom of speech or expression, is in itself dangerous to society and culture.
“What these feminists are essentially doing is trying to shut off the natural male psyche. If they win their crusade, men who are already marginalised and attacked in British society on a daily basis, will fall further to even higher levels of emasculation. It is a well known Soviet, Socialist method of operation, where men are made to feel guilty for liking the female form. Once they shut down that part of the internet, there will be a totalitarian concrete wall over the internet where anything that is not deemed to celebrate socialist state policies will be censored. This limits freedom of expression and the freedom to protest perceived injustices as well as limiting the furtherance of knowledge and understanding of the human condition,” professor of Societal and Cultural studies at Reading University, Bartholomew Herring, told the Telegraph.
If you don’t like something, do something else. Simple.
“We have a saying in my country, he who has the biggest armed mob wins. Oops I did it again. Until the next election eh,” a celebratory Mr Mugabe said from his plush palace situated 34 km from Harare.
Mr Mugabe, who has won every election since his rise to power has set an astounding record of votes gained in this latest election.
“It’s amazing, I knew the astounding results of the election before the votes were even cast,” an indepenent Zanu-PF electoral observer told state controlled news services.
Following the happy news, British X Factor creator Simon, 53, took to Twitter to praise his newly wed socialite wife. “Wow! I just saw my bank balance disappear down the drains,” he wrote. “All that hard work polluting the airwaves and exploiting vulnerable deluded people for huge profits now flushed down the khazi.”
A team of Silverman’s lawyers and accountants attended the wedding two weeks before the birth, and it is understood that Lauren forced Simon to sign her up with her own show as well as marry her, additionally forcing Cowell to foot the bill for the lawyer’s fees for her previous marriage’s husband.
Cowell who was estimated to be worth in excess of $500 million, can now kiss all of that goodbye. Still at least he’s still got those talented X-Factor winners on top of the charts, so no worries there.
The baby picture was published in this month’s edition of Hello magazine
“All fracking hell is going to break loose up here when the fracking diggers turn up. There will be fracking chaos, the mother fracking riot of the new fracking century,” Tanya Crust, an anti-fracker told the BBC.
The government’s proposals to frack the North with thrusting frack machines is a proposal that is driving some people fracking mad.
“First we get a long fracking drill, move it around a big bushy fracking hole, then thrust the fracker deep in there moving the bulbous fracking head in and out until it goes deeper and deeper. When the fracking rhythm is getting too much, the earth will tremor and there will be a large uncontrollable explosion of spurting frack juice which will shoot out the pulsating frack hole splurging all over the fracking place. Post fracking cigarettes are of course obligatory,” a fracking engineer said at a proposed fracking site.
Some fracking activists are now suggesting a fracking chastity belt to protect the earth from getting a good fracking but that could be a logistical costly fracking nightmare.
“This here a’bum gonna be a bess seller. Y’all need to listen we all inda mu’fu**in’ hizzouse,” Dr. Dre said from the plush recording facility at Soulplex studios, deep in the heart of Miami.
Amongst the blunts and chronic smoke, you can hear the voices rapping away like a deuce mofo party plan tech-9 firing off a clip.
Zimmerman comes in: “I’ma say this and I’ma end mine. If you ain’t down for the mall cops here in the United States, period point blank. If you ain’t down for the ones that suffer in neighbourhood watch inda gated communities and shit. Devil you need to step your punk ass to the side and let us brothers and us guardians step in and start puttin some funk in that ass.”
Snoop comes in and slams his head on the deck.
“I got my finger on the trigger so niggaz wonder why But livin in the gated community it’s do-or-die.”
After the session is over, there is a yell and someone says: “Mmm Hmm, triple cheeseburger, some fries and mothafu**in’ couple sodas and shit, and hot apple turnover and all dat old shit nigga Wooo I’m gonna get my munch onnn!!!”
The 75-year-old, whose appetite for pork pies is renowned across England, was travelling in one of his Jaguars when witnesses say the car skidded to an abrupt stop in front of a 12-tonne lorry carrying pork pies to a local superstore.
“He had a crazed look in his eyes as he ran towards the truck with spittle streaming from his chomping mouth. I at once thought of a deranged zombie from some god awful film,” a freaked out witness told the BBC.
The scared lorry driver immediately got out of his cab and ran away in terror abandoning his truck and its glorious contents.
Mavis Belridge, 84, was driving her Nissan Micra and witnessed Prescott ransacking the lorry of its contents.
“I had just been to visit the local church fête and was on my way back, when I managed to look over the steering wheel to see a burly man sitting in the middle of the road devouring pork pies like there was no tomorrow. I can still see the look in his eyes, it was awful.”
Many bystanders who witnessed the unholy event have received counselling. Mr Prescott was not available for comment today as he was attending a croquet championship in his own back garden.
The team of twelve explorers will be kitted out with two months survival rations and will set off from Tory HQ deep in the civilised environs of Central London.
“I’m a bit scared of what I may encounter, it’s something that will be a great challenge to our team. As long as I have my trusty solid oak stick with me then I’ll be safe from any of the wild primitives we may encounter,” MP for Richmond, Lewis Fetherhimes told the Telegraph.
The group expedition will also use a team of sherpas carrying all their supplies, including essentials like caviar and champagne.
“It’s a wasteland up there, full of wild animals roaming and all sorts,” Geoffrey Fortington-Smythe, another member of the expedition team revealed.
The expedition will hopefully map out some of the unknown regions and bring back their findings to London sometime in late September.
“I was just going on and on one day in a coffee shop when it hit me. My conspiracy theory was all bull, not just one bit but all of it,” Mr Blanco revealed.
Amid a lot of soul searching, one theory after another was discounted by Mr. Blanco, until he became enraged prompting him to even throw away his tin-foil hat into a dumpster.
The prominent conspiracy theorist even has his own local radio talk show with tens of listeners.
“I had to go on there and confess. I was a conscientious conspiracy theorist and I was hanging my boots up. It’s okay to question, but my theory was so stupid that even other conspiracy theorists and researchers would shun me,” a distraught Blanco told the local Huntsville Echo.
So what was the theory?
“I, I believed in Hope, I believed in Change. I used to say ‘Yes, We Can!’ and I, I’m so ashamed of myself. I gotta live with myself for voting for THAT theory and believing everything about it. I can’t even mention the name of the person who I stole the original conspiracy theory from. I voted twice. Oh the disgrace.”
After becoming disillusioned by his own false conspiracy theory, Mr. Blanco decided to give reality a go.
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