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Catholics: “This Pope is Creepier than the Last One”

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As Popes go, Benedict looked creepy but was just a regular papal creep who didn’t do too much, but this new Pope Francis looks creepy and acts creepy. Some may say this is normal behaviour for a Catholic Pope but others are getting really fu**ing creeped out by this guy.

“Pope Francis entered the papacy by kissing and licking the soles of a convict’s dirty foot, he then started spouting ridiculous hypocrisies about people needing to throw away their wealth whilst the Catholic church is itself enormously wealthy, and now he is telling all Catholics to embrace sodomy yet disallow female priests. We all know the priests have been bu**ering each other for years but in the bible it says otherwise,” a confused Catholic revealed to Italian TV station Rai Uno today.

Americans Taking FEMA Camp Holidays This Summer

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“It’s great, we get one hot bowl of green mush a day and we get to talk to lots of similar holiday makers whilst the guards whip us in the holding cells. We don’t want to leave because the alternative is much worse,” Jon Vechter, a father of four on holiday with his family at Alabama’s premier 4 star FEMA camp revealed.

Camp activities include sitting down, standing and trying to look over the barbed wire fences around the camp. A four week stay at camp FEMA is a breeze at only $20 per person and the forced labour is only an extra $5 surcharge.

Camp commander, Miles Obuhmer, said: “Most Americans are starving and without jobs, so this is a great way for them to hang loose and relax. You get one hot meal a day and some stale bread for dinner, Obamacare is free here so you know you’ll be taken care of by the one doctor serving the whole camp of 45,000 holidaymakers. We wake them at dawn for rock breaking and tilling the dirt. Some liked it so much that we let them stay indefinitely, under the ground.”

FEMA Camp stays have a long waiting list so be sure to book your stay in advance as places are unlimited.

UK Elections Will Be Real EU Referendum Say Experts

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“Under the current British electoral ‘first past the post’ system it is very hard for a third party to attain a majority in parliament therefore this is why there is a situation in the United Kingdom where all politics is defined by two stale parties, who have in all senses outlived their effectiveness. Not only is there little choice for the voter with Labour and Conservative politics, but these two supposedly different parties have actually blurred the line as their policies are so similar to each other. The Conservative government of today is essentially a socialist form of conservatism, and the Labour party is predominantly socialist with elements of conservative policy. If you vote for any of the two, you will get a socialist government who will keep Britain in the EU and integrate it further by adopting the single European currency. Prime minister David Cameron is a staunch europhile as is David Miliband of Labour. Now David Cameron has promised an In/Out EU referendum in 2017 if he is elected, but the real referendum will occur in 2015 and the people will be truly tested as to if they want to stay in the EU. By voting for Conservative or Labour, you will effectively seal the UK’s fate, but if you vote for a third party, Britain may still survive. What is the third party? UKIP, is their name and there is only one way they can get into power and that’s by the majority of Labour and Conservative voters voting for UKIP. Could this event ever happen? Probably not, therefore you can kiss the UK and pound sterling goodbye and welcome the euro, as well as full Brussels ownership of Britain,” a Westminster insider revealed.

Trying to get Tory or Labour voters to vote for an alternative option which would save the U.K. from Brussels could be a major problem, one also has to consider the massive influx of EU and Third World citizens into the UK under the previous Labour government. Peter Mandelson himself admitted that Labour utilised an open door immigration policy during their thirteen year reign, purely to garner votes and mess up the cultural identity of the UK. If Labour wins the election, then the so-called EU referendum earmarked for 2017 will be scrapped. If the Conservatives win, then David Cameron will make sure the show referendum will go his way.

2015 will thus be the real referendum, and if the people want to be finally defeated by Brussels, they will vote for their defeat.

Flash Mob Robberies: Politically Correct American Media Only Sees ‘Young People’ and ‘Mobs of Teens’

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Jensen Butler a media analyst for a Baltimore news agency has revealed some insights into the wave of U.S Flash Mob Robberies committed by ‘young people‘ sweeping the nation.

“Under the tenure of president Obama, we have noticed a marked increase in racial tension and these types of flash mob robs; which usually entails a group of twenty to thirty black teenagers converging on a retail store all at once, then taking as much as they can from the shelves and walking out without paying. This is something that strikes fear into any retail store owner because it cannot be controlled. By the time the police come, usually half-an-hour later, they are all gone. The brazen crime, has no qualms about closed circuit television, and the black teens seem to revel in being filmed committing their flash robberies. What is even more odd, is how the media portrays these crimes. The gangs of ‘young people’ and ‘teen mobs’ are actually ‘African Americans’ and anyone in America who hears these news reports knows exactly what they’re talking about.”

The U.S. media, by using the moniker of ‘young people’ or ‘teenagers’ to describe mobs of African American teens committing crimes, does discriminate against all teens of other colours and races. What the term is in fact doing, is lumping teens of all colours with that of black teens, so therefore all young people are looked upon in a negative light as something to be feared. As for law abiding black teens, unfortunately for them, they are also seen in a negative light as well because of the actions of some of these ‘young people’.

The American media obviously has strict regulations under the Obama regime to not report the news in a factual manner, but to gloss over it in a public relations exercise that actually does more damage to journalism than if events were reported correctly.

“These are essentially guerrilla tactics used to terrorise store owners and people in general, like a mini riot. They organise quickly through some form of social media, then hit the store, then disperse quickly. Law enforcement cannot do anything about them, and this is why it is such an effective way of conducting operations on retail stores. What’s more, these ‘young people’ are supposedly invisible, as the media refuses to even mention their appearance. It’s a perfect crime because they have impunity to continue at their will,” a security analyst in Chicago revealed.

Zuckerberg Takes Daily Money Showers Wife Reveals

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“In the morning’s he will go out to the chicken coop, maybe get some fresh eggs from a hen, not golden ones, but real eggs, then he goes to his specially designed shower room and the money washes all over him filling the shower cubicle. This is how he always looks so rejuvenated. Every money shower costs over $35 million but he says it’s worth it. I tried it once myself and I was astounded at the remarkable rejuvenating powers a money shower has,” Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan told Tech Wired magazine in a recent article.

Yesterday alone, a massive Facebook share price jump netted Zuckerberg more than $3.8 billion, not bad for someone who looks so young.

“You gotta hand it to Zuckerberg, he’s got more money than about twenty Third World countries put together. Let him enjoy it while the bubble is still intact,” a Wall Street analyst said whilst looking at the vertical stock price on a screen.

God Rewrites Wonga 10 Commandments

“I was in the vestry and I heard a voice in my head from God. He said that I have to rewrite the ten commandments. I walked out of the church to see if I was OK when I saw the burning cash machine outside Natwest on the High Street and heard the voice again..” Reverend Bill Sykes, for Dimplebury parish church near Cheltenham, told the BBC.

And God spake all these words, saying, I am the Wonga thy God, which have brought thee out of the debt, out of the house of bondage and into even more debt and bondage.

 

The Ten Wonga Commandments

1. Thou shalt have no other Wonga before Wonga at anything below 5879% APR.   

    2. Thou shalt pay back your Wonga henchmen at extortionate rates in the allotted time or so help me Wonga we will break your kneecaps and increase the APR rate at an exponential escalating level that will result in a loan of £100 soon becoming £65,000 in a two week period.   

    3. Thou shalt not take the name of Wonga thy God in vain; for Wonga will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. We’ll just break your fu**ing kneecaps.  

    4. Remember the payment day, to keep in line with payments. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day thou shalt work even harder to pay thy Wonga loan at a variable rate of 6485% APR: although Wonga is unscrupelous and will at any opportunity seek to loan money to the unemployed at APR levels bordering on criminality.

     5. Thou shalt be provided with a heavenly Wonga answer in seconds and, if approved, Wonga shall send the cash to your bank within 15 minutes. That makes Wonga the fastest and only genuine 24/7 lender in the heavens.   

    6. Thou shalt kill if necessary to pay back your Wonga loan. It’s either some other poor bastard or you.   

    7. Thou shalt commit adultery to pay back your Wonga loan, or prostitution, pimping, drug dealing, contract hits or become a politician. Whatever is necessary to pay back the extortionate APR levels. Remember time is ticking away every second of the Wonga day.   

    8. Thou shalt steal to pay back your Wonga paymaster.    

    9. Thou shalt not bear false witness in court if it ever gets to that against thy Wonga. Remember we have your full address and details and can trace you wherever thou shalt run to.   

    10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s wife, his Tuscan holiday, his Audi TT, his playstation 3, his 3D TV, pretty much any thing that is thy neighbour’s. That’s why you need a Wonga loan at 4600% APR right now you stupid covetous moron. Just click to apply.

Obama Says ‘American Dream’ Alive and Well in Detroit

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“I’m standing in this piece of shit goddamn rubble city and saying to you Americans, I’m going to hand over the 17 Trillion dollar national debt I racked up to you and all future generations once I end my tenure as president. This was my American dream, and it’s going to be your American fu**ing nightmare. Thanks for voting for me — twice!” the jovial president said chuckling like a hyena.

The president then went on to his usual diatribe about how he is being hindered by Republicans in Congress and how none of the mess the country is currently in is his fault in any way.

A homeless army veteran onlooker to the whole sorry scene quipped: “This is what happens when Marxism mixes with Capitalism. In the Marine Corp. we used to call it a ‘clusterf*ck’.”

Experts: ‘War of Perpetual Terror Moved From Islam to Internal Western Population’

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“We have seen a major shift in focus on the perpetual terror tactics created by the United States from terrorising and desecrating Islamic populations under George W. Bush and Tony Blair to the internal populations of countries like the U.S. and U.K. under Obama and Cameron The people have always been deemed as cannon fodder tax instruments throughout history, however now they are outwardly seen as a threat to governments and the elite. If one wants to understand the change that has occurred, one only has to look at the Stasi NSA operations, armed domestic surveillance drones, the mass acquisitions of weaponry and ammunition by U.S. Homeland Security and the militarised police forces training on ‘No More Hesitation’ shooting targets, including pregnant women and children. This overt change coupled with economic disharmony, starvation and the vast chasm between the rich and poor is a toxic cocktail and corrosive equation that can explode at any time. Quantitative Easing created money only for the money markets, none of that money filtered down to the untermenschen, it was a tool to give the illusion of economic recovery, but with 50 million Americans on food stamps and millions of people in poverty in the U.K. drowning in insane food and fuel prices, the reality is that the world’s economic Ponzi scheme is built on a very flimsy deck of cards. All it is going to take is a gentle breeze to take the whole lot down. Why do you think Obama is doing everything in his power to disarm the heavily armed American civilian population before the United States reaches the point of deficit no return? Obama still has three and a half years to achieve his ultimate coup de grace on the reluctant American population. How will he do it? What atrocity will sway the mind of the American gun toting civilian? School shootings don’t work. Indiscriminate shootings in cinemas don’t work. Black teenagers being shot by security guards do not work. It may need an altogether different more audacious event. Lest we forget, the illusion of freedom will continue as long as it is profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theatre,” Willard Zapps, senior analyst at the Washington think tank, Policy Research Institute, wrote in a recent report.

American NSA whistleblower, Edward Snowden did not reveal anything that was not already known, therefore he is not culpable in any criminal investigation by the United States government.

“The denouement to this unholy screenplay may be an unsavoury affair, and who better to complete the job than the next U.S. President, Hillary Clinton, a woman who like her counterparts, exhibits all the necessary traits of a pyschopathic mass murderer. This perpetual War of Terror has many fronts, and they will not stop until they are done,” Mr Zapps revealed in the rest of the report.

Mr Zapps has not been seen since his report was published.

African Americans Threaten to Riot if Royal Baby Not Named Trayvon

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“Imma riot if dah royal cracka azz family don’t name they baby Trayvon. Ni**as is raciss!” Kentnilla Latronia, an angry twitter user wrote.

Riot police were on emergency standby in all metro areas in the U.S. today and are taking the threats seriously.

“We got the water guns out, we gon give some of them folk a good wash down, hyuk, hyuk, if they riot,” Cletus McAdam, police chief for the Seminole County Sheriff’s office told CNN.

Another twitter user said: “If they don’ namez that royal creepy ass wigga Trayvon imma kick sum trash cans down inna road biotch.”

Peoples’ Poll Reveals Favourite Names For New Royal Baby

Conducted by MORI, the poll interviewed 200,000 Britons on the deeply important issue of naming the newly spawned royal baby.

“I find it quite indicative of the nation’s view that Kate and William’s baby should be given a chav name. This is a major shift towards the more prosaic nature of the changing royal family. The mixing of the pure blue blood of William and ahem Kate Middleton has created an altogether common offspring. No doubt, I will be caterwauled for saying so, however the evidence is clear to all, we may soon have a chav king. I just hope his faux gold Argos sceptre and crown does not turn green in the rain during the trooping of the job centre,” the staunchly traditionalist royal historian, professor Edmund Feltham, from Grimsby community university told Sky news before being pelted with rotten eggs.

Top 10 Names For New Royal Baby

1) Chesney

2) Jack

3) Liam

4) Nokia

5) Jordan

6) Kade

7) Tyler

8) Harry

9) Wayne

10) Dwaine