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Brits Abroad Stabbing Holidays All the Rage This Summer

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“It’s wonderful, you go and try and kiss a Kurdish girl and the whole family comes after you with knives. Does wonders for your fitness levels I tell you,” Graham Lout, 21, said from his Turkish hospital bed after getting stabbed over twenty times and surviving.

It’s not only the tribal Kurds in Turkey who are stab happy, but the Cretans are getting into the act as well.

“We see a Brit on holiday getting their bits out and fondling our women, drunk off their trolleys, pissing all over the place; well then its stabbing time for them,” Nicos Kotsoulis, 26, from Crete said from his prison cell.

Looks like it’s not just egg and chips Brits want, coming home to Blighty nursing a few slash wounds is a great talking point down the pub and the Daily Mail.

Obama Job Approval New Low: Time For Another Multi-Million Dollar Vacation

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“We’re off on another vacation, our sixteenth this year. I’m taking my Nobel Peace Prize, a few Marines to hold my umbrella and a suitcase of your hard earned cash to spill all over the place,” the President of the United States revealed Tuesday.

White House aides say they are rather worried for the delusional president after the latest poll figures show a massive drop in approval ratings for the ailing lame duck president.

President Obama’s entourage will consist of four hundred staff, two hundred secret service men, and trips on Air Force One which costs $181,757 per hour to run. Michelle Obama’s entourage, who will join the president one day later, is said to be three times larger than the president’s.

“If Trayvon was president, he’d be doin’ the same thing,” President Obama quipped whilst chomping on some Filet Mignon on his plane journey to Hawaii yesterday.

Comrade Cameron Says No More Internet For Proles

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“Comrades, I’ll let you all into a secret, when I’m home alone, I like to dress up in old Victorian dresses and pretend my name is Mary Whitehouse. But I’m your leader so I’m allowed to do that. From now on all proles will be disallowed from watching anything saucy on the now Soviet controlled internet. Only members of the Houses of Parliament and House of Lords, Soviet local council staff and Whitehall Soviet civil servants, as well as hypocritical Daily Mail staff and readers will have that privilege. Cor! Look at the jugs on ‘er. I am at this moment surfing the internet, excuse me while I go and bash my Menshevik,” Comrade Cameron said whilst supposedly addressing the nation last night.

Comrade Cameron, in addition to banning all previously legal online rudeness, is going to increase the schools’ LGBT programming of primary school children as well as celebrate the glorification of gratuitous hardcore violence in all its forms in the media. The supreme leader says that it is imperative that the state corrupts our children from a young age in schools and not at home on the internet.

As the Soviet Coalition’s diktats go, this one is fairly simple. Any prole caught jockeying off in the internets will be detained and taken from whence they live, probably in the early hours of the morning, to an undisclosed Soviet detention re-education facility somewhere in sector 101 (Northern Soviet England) where they will be purged of all their un-Soviet ways.

Comrade Cameron, sometimes called Comrade Whitehouse, also encourages family members to report other family members, or work colleagues, of any internet naughty stuff viewing to the state for which they will be handsomely rewarded with an extra two ounces chocolate ration per annum. State family control is a necessery function of the Soviet system and from now on all parenting will be dictated to the proles by the state.

First Shots of Kate Middleton Baby

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The amazing photo was acquired by a paparazzi lens from 1.6 miles away perched on a roof top. How this guy got a picture perfect shot like that is something that needs to be addressed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JUST A LITTLE FURTHER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A BIT MORE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BET YOU’RE EXCITED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GETTING A LITTLE CLOSER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH KEEP SCROLLING DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU MISSED IT SILLY! UP A BIT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOT LONG NOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEARLY THERE PHEW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT’S COMING UP SHORTLY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOON YOU WILL SEE IT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CLOSER STILL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AAH HERE IT IS..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OOPS! NOT QUITE YET..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hollywood Film Flop Studios Trying to Hire Squib Writers

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“We gotta real problem on our hands. We’re spending millions of dollars making movies that no one wants to watch. That’s why in desperation we’re looking for some real movie ideas and have sent a team of executives to London, England where they got a newspaper called the Daily Squid, Squib, Squim..er..whatever,” Don Frankenburger, chief honcho for Miramar Studios, told Hollywood Week magazine.

When Hollywood studios are stuck in a vicious circle of remaking remakes of remakes, you know something is seriously wrong in Hollywoodland.

“We need films that engage the audience, less voom voom CGI special effects with zero story. We need characters in a movie that the audience actually sees as viable and cares about. We need subtlety. I know Americans need everything spelled out to them because they have no sense of subtlety but we need surprises — not the obvious shit that is around. We tried 3D but if a movie is crap, it don’t matter if it’s right there in front of your face in your living room, it’s still a crap movie with no plot line, weak characters and template special effects. We need new actors. What’s the point in having twenty new films with the same goddamn actor? All Hollywood films these days are shared between four or five actors, now that’s not only cronyism but darn right boring,” another Hollywood producer who lost $34 million on a recent film flop told CBS Entertainment.

The Daily Squib is readying the special writing room for our Hollywood visitors as we write this right now, just hope they don’t forget to flush after they finish the job.

Germany Agrees to Bailout Greece Once a Year For the Next Eighty Years

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“We realise they refuse to pay back the money they owe every time we ask so today I have committed the German taxpayers to bail out the Greeks on a yearly basis for the next eighty years. This way the Greeks can keep their way of life and carry on with not paying any taxation or servicing the debt they owe us. This is a required action unfortunately otherwise the EU and euro would be in trouble,” Mr Schauble told German news crews at an impromptu news conference today.

As soon as the news came through about the jackpot deal, people took to the streets all over Greece cheering their German benefactors.

“This is a glorious day. It means I can keep my porsche boxter which I bought purely from the proceeds of EU subsidies. I have never paid an ounce of tax and I enjoy my 75,000 euro salary for cleaning park benches twice a week. I think I’ll be off to the coast for another four month holiday to celebrate,” Nikos Makalarios, 43, told local Greek news stations.

Another Greek said: “It’s not enough. We want more.”

Why the Google Glass is the Next Step For Humanity

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Steve Jobs was Apple, unfortunately his vision died with his biological body and now the much-loved innovative company is sadly floundering with little or no direction. Google has picked up the spear and is now moving forward to innovate towards the Kurzweil engineered singularity.

The boffins at Google may digest whole encyclopaedias of information in an afternoon into their intricately wired and focused brains, but when they came out with the Google Glass they took a further step in the evolutionary jump towards a tech engineered heaven or nightmare.

What Google are doing is symbiotically integrating technology with the biological. This is the next step in human evolution and will revolutionise humanity forever.

In twenty or thirty years time, computers as powerful as your mobile phone now will be the size of tiny cells or atoms and millions of times more powerful, one can only imagine the applications available then, and how they will be integrated into humans.

Consider the fact that computer processing power is expanding exponentially and with such vast speed that soon every synapse and connection in a human brain will be replicated. The future will soon be upon us, and the ability to transfer ones whole conscious mind onto a synthetic brain may conjure up immortality of consciousness for the humans who wish to take the great leap. There are many aspects to transferring human consciousness into a machine that may sound negative, but the possibilities to human enhancement are endless. There will be those who fight it. But they will not be any match for the superior intelligence and nano weaponry of the advanced humans, who will branch off from the biological and embrace technological supremacy. If the new race of humanoids then attain transhumanism, they will most certainly mine the sun of its energy. This is the next step, because this will mean the human spawned race will have reached a type one civilisation, as coined by physicist Michio Kaku.

The positives are all-knowing enhancement, immortality, discovery and unlimited simulated entertainment where whole worlds would be synthetically replicated down to each grain of sand on a beach and every sensation for the avatar. The human biological body is susceptible to disease, genetic defects and ultimately death. By embracing technological self aware machines in the singularity, the advanced humans would be immortal.

The negatives are once you step into total digitization you will relinquish your biological body, as it is no match for the mechanised form. Primary consciousness implementation will probably only be available to the elite controllers. What happens to the rest is a question only answered by the higher levels. It is natural that any new technology of this nature would first be eased into use for the general population over time, first touted as beneficial to humans with degenerative diseases or the severely disabled. It may also be eased in through predictive programming techniques via entertainment and celebrity endorsement. As with any new technological advancement, those who can afford it are usually the very rich or elite hierarchy. There are further questions about privacy as your every thought will be assimilated and transferred into the hive mind and also questions about the holders of this technology. You are at the mercy of the controllers, for as the person can transfer thoughts out, so they can transfer thoughts in. If for example you go against the system in any way, they will probably have the power to simply shut you down or worse still, project thoughts into your mind so you will be in a constant state of torture until they feel you have accepted your condition. Thoughtcrime is already being punished on the internet now on places like Twitter and Facebook. In today’s world, if you break laws they put you in prison or in some countries execute you. Once in the hive mind, your every thought will be controlled, and to this end, your physical body could be slaving away in a mine, but your mind could be induced to feel it is in a heavenly utopia. You will therefore not be conscious of what you are doing.

Philosophically speaking, one must first ask the question, of what it means to be human, as Ray Kurzweil, chief engineer at Google has asked.

By removing the biological part of a human, does this also mean the end of the human soul? Does the future need us?

Rooney Gets Job at British Museum

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“We are pleased to announce that Wayne has been given a permanent position at the British Museum. We are thankful for his participation and hope to have a long lasting employer’s relationship with him,” head of the Neolithic collection, Jasper Lampater, revealed today.

According to the press release, Rooney will be part of the caveman exhibit and will be required to just stand there for hours on end, sometimes grunting or dragging his knuckles on the exhibit’s fake rock formations.

Caroline Massey, a regular visitor to the British Museum said: “Golly! This sounds fantastic. Can’t wait to see him headbutt a Japanese tourist who gets too close or lift his leg to pee on a fake tree. I’ve heard that Colleen will join him on certain days, but don’t know where she’ll put all the shopping bags of designer clothes?”

New Photo Dating App Just Yes or No Required

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“All you have to do is tick yes or no to a photo of someone you want to shag, then if that person says yes as well, the geographic location data of each person is then transmitted to the users’ phones but not shown directly to the users and the app then chooses a safe meeting point and time. It really is that simple. You cannot write messages or anything else to anyone. After you meet, it is up to you what you do of course,” Anders Jameson, the designer of the app revealed.

There is no ‘maybe’

The new app called ‘Yes/No’ has come under criticism from many conservative and religious groups as they say it promotes promiscuity however the app’s designers say they are merely simplifying and speeding up dating. In these modern times this can’t be a bad thing.

“You can tell pretty much everything from a photo. Also we do not disallow pictures of body parts, because this simply indicates to the other user how fast they are willing to get to intercourse. We have seen a massive interest in this app, and on the first day of launch it was downloaded 40 million times,” Mr Jameson told Tech Zone magazine.

J K Rowling Relieved She is Not Secretly Behind Daily Squib Stories

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After her own PR people recently rumbled her pseudonym written book because clearly sales were not moving in the right direction, J K Rowling has emphatically denied she is behind anything written in the Daily Squib.

“You muggles really are a bunch of simpletons. Why on earth would I write anything for that awful rag? I only ever wrote stuff for the Daily Prophet! I’ve got a good mind to banish the lot of you to Azkaban. Expelliarmus, and all that,” J K Rowling said from her mansion’s living room whilst swimming knee deep in fifty pound notes.

The Daily Squib editor for our newspaper’s spells section said: “Poor old J K, I actually don’t think she’ll ever get away from the Harry Potter thing. She really needs to go back and start writing some more Potter stuff. It’s the only way forward.”