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Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

 

Such an increase would be the first that has happened above inflation since 2008, Dibble said.

“You can’t survive in rip off Britain for less, so we raised the minimum wage to a level that people will just about be able to put food on their tables and heat their homes. People might even be able to fill their car up with petrol, the fuel tax is so fucking ridiculous it takes up 85% of the cost of fuel that even with this pay rise it’s still going to be hard for people,” he told MPs.

The large increase in the minimum wage means that it just about pips the rate of benefits and will ensure that the message is clear — benefits don’t pay as well anymore.

After the announcement was made there were cheers and joyous shouts of er..joy..and more joy in the streets.

“I can feed my family. Like I can put food on the table, I can have a full fridge. I’m speechless, thank you, sir, please sir, I don’t wish to be rude but, I think I just peed in my pants,” Julia Swinton, a dinner lady for a local state school in Birmingham told the Sun.

Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Roll up, roll up, ‘ere we’ve got a lovely jubbly investment opportunity for all you ex-Bitcoin investors, you may have lost everything but never fret the Squib is a certain bet.

If you invest 20 pence in a Squibcoin, it could be worth 30 pence by February 2025. Now if that’s not a sure fire deal of making S loads of money my aunt’s an investment banker for Goldman Sachs.

We wanted to do an infographic about how your money would grow if you invested in Squibcoins, but we just couldn’t be arsed, and we’re sure you don’t care anyway.

I hear you saying, will my Squibcoins be safe? Of course they will, we have a special Squibcoin exchange down the pub, ah ah, can’t tell you which East London pub it is, but it’s somewhere around the cobbled dark wet streets of olde London where the lanterns are still gas fired and the sari shops stay open till late.

Election: “Labourphiles Tried to Groom Me”

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Election: “Labourphiles Tried to Groom Me”

PIE in the face

“It was in the seventies, I was only a little one, but Harperson groomed me to vote for Labour. Now I’m a Labour supporter, and I may need counselling to get over it. These Labourphiles have affected my whole life and the abuse will live with me forever,” the man told the Daily Mail.

Labourphilia is a vile practice that targets prospective voters when they’re children and can damage them for the rest of their lives. Labourphiles groom their victims by plying them with benefits, free money, safari trips for young offenders and other tricks to ensnare the unsuspecting future voters.

Naturally Harriet Harperson has denied she had any connections to Labourphilia but unfortunately for her, the evidence is conclusive.

The coming General Election 2015 will be a turning point deciding whether widespread Labourphilia in Britain ever happens again.

Obama FCC Media Monitors Invade Daily Squib U.S. Office

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Obama FCC Media Monitors Invade Daily Squib U.S. Office

You know we love that Obama chap here at the Squib, we don’t have a critical word to say about him, and that’s why he has ordered the FCC media controllers into our North American offices to ensure we continue to say the right things.

Obama is a great president. One of the best. He’s, er, really an amazing guy who came from Africa, and united America.

Throughout his tenure, he has shown great courage in dealing with issues that matter, you know like gay marriage, legalising marijuana and allowing all illegal immigrants from the South American continent to enter the United States without fear of persecution or incarceration to become fully recognised U.S. citizens.

Obama shot Bin Laden. Oh yeah, if it wasn’t for Obama, Osama would still be alive right now, but he’s dead. So Obama got the bad guy.

Did we mention Obamacare? That’s something that Obama really cares about, because he cares about your health. He really does, and Obama has made it his mission to ensure all Americans get the same care as everyone else. Now that’s a real achievement right there.

Under Obama racial tension has eased and there is now great racial harmony in the United States. In fact, you can get knocked out with the level of  harmony that Obama has brought with him.

Guns are deadly. Outlaw guns and no one will die again from a gunshot wound. Obama wants to outlaw guns from citizens. Obama is doing the right thing there, so you all need to drop the guns on the floor, take two paces back and hand them over to the heavily armed police officer, or better still, your friendly local armed criminal.

Obama loves to travel. This is why he has made air travel so pleasant, not only for Americans but visitors to the great American nation from abroad.

Obama is a great guy, he even plays golf sometimes and takes a vacation once in awhile, just to show the people he can relax like a regular American.

Obama is not controlling? No, on the contrary, he is very relaxed about all that shit. He doesn’t want to know your private conversations or emails, or every private detail of your life. He doesn’t want to control every aspect of your life, nah, Obama is a guy who ain’t into all that Stasi crap.

We have not written this article under any form of duress or control, the Daily Squib has not been punished by any large corporation under the control of Obama that controls the internet and the right to free speech and we totally love Obama and all the corporations, agencies, under his control.

Alec Baldwin: “It’s My Fifth Goodbye This Week”

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Alec Baldwin: “It’s My Fifth Goodbye This Week”

The Hollywood celebrity, Alec Baldwin, has been doing the media circuit for the last few days.

“Goodbye! I am now leaving, I really am leaving. Okay! I said I was leaving, you won’t see me ever again, this is why I’m announcing my leaving on network television. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone. I’m going now, see ya, bye, no more Baldwin, did I mention I’m leaving? I, I just hope my trophy wife still stays with me even when the fame, money and attention goes, I know that’s the only reason she’s with me right now. Alright, did you get the shot? Okay, this angle, I’m walking away now.”

David Bowie to Tour Scotland

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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David Bowie to Tour Scotland

 

The tour will be called Scotch Oddity and the legendary artist will complete the tour only wearing tartan and a kilt.

“It’s something he’s always wanted to do. The band’s line up will include Angus Bawbag, on bagpipes, Sean Bonnet on alto bagpipes, and Jasper Fud on bass bagpipes. There might even be some caber tossing into the audience but he is getting on a bit so he might need some help with that one,” Bowie’s manager Niles Malchard, said from the band’s New York record label office.

Ziggy did have red hair in the seventies so the tour of Scotland should go down well with the locals, just as long as they’re not sober and do not realise they’re watching David Bowie.

Tour dates and venues will be announced closer to the time, in some cases a few minutes before the concerts.

EU Migrants Could Riot if Demands Not Met

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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EU Migrants Could Riot if Demands Not Met

 

There are hardly any jobs for Brits let alone millions of EU migrants intent on grabbing a piece of the British pie.

“EU officials have told us that whole villages and towns will have to be bulldozed to build new cities to accommodate the massive influx. As for the NHS, and Britain’s welfare state, that will slowly have to be phased out as there is no more money left in the pot. The benefits system has been milked too much, not only by the millions of migrants entering Britain every month, but the idle indigenous population. This is a good opportunity to abolish it once and for all,” an unnamed official for some department or other revealed.

Much of Britain now is an enclave of former Soviet bloc Eastern Europe, and Cameron has been urged to start building new cities to accommodate the economic migrants.

An unelected EU technocrat voiced his opinion on the whole debacle: “We are pushing for Scotland breaking away destabilising the former United Kingdom, as well as the engineered influx of tens of millions of poor uneducated migrants from the EU with no skills. This will further destabilise the UK, not only economically but within their social fabric. This two pronged attack on the English, is just the beginning, we have other techniques of destroying them further, and we are working on more goodies. As long as the stupid Brits pay for my unlimited expense account, I am more than happy to ruin their country. White Britons should be happy anyway, because the new EU migrants are mostly white, Christians, therefore they are superior to the previous influx in the 60s,70s and 80s. That’s what the English want, isn’t it? In time, the others will be phased out.”

Thousands Brits Mourn Loss of Piers Morgan From CNN

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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1
Thousands Brits Mourn Loss of Piers Morgan From CNN

Britain is in mourning as news slowly filters through that Moron has been axed from his CNN show.

All over the country people have been taking to the streets in severe shock.

“What is CNN thinking? Do they not know the terrible impact of  their decision? This means Piers Morgan is coming back to the UK,” an angry protestor told BBC news.

It seems even the Americans were not fooled by the moron, and his anti-gun stance was the final bullet in the head.

The flag at Buckingham palace was flying at half mast, and people were weeping in the streets.

“Please stay in America. MSNBC has to give him a job. Please, this nightmare is not happening. I don’t believe this is happening, no, somebody has to do something?” another protestor said before jumping off a building.

Used Car Dealer Chris Moyles Sold Me an Old Banger

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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Used Car Dealer Chris Moyles Sold Me an Old Banger

 

“He said it was a real goer, a bit like his wife, I looked under the bonnet and alarm bells should have been going when I saw the cellotape on the engine casing,” the angry man revealed in the Daily Mail.

In another picture exclusive in the Mail, you know where they have disgruntled customers staring at the camera, or someone who’s had an error in their utility bill, the man was naturally pictured staring at the camera lens with an angry wronged look on his face.

“I want my £300 back and if I don’t get it after this picture exclusive in the papers, I’m going to drive this car into Moyles’ mansion.”

Former car salesman, Chris Moyles was not available for comment, but according to his boss, he’s somewhere in the Cayman Islands counting the dosh he has left.

Theologians: The Next Messiah Will be Part Human Part Machine

Gerald Oracles Duncan
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0
Theologians: The Next Messiah Will be Part Human Part Machine

Theologians from the X Science Institute have revealed their amazing findings in a new book to be published some time in the not too distant future, maybe in a few months, or weeks, who really knows?

“We predict the coming Messiah will be part machine part human. This is the next step in religious evolution and for mankind in general. We are certain that the new Messiah will be persecuted by the old order and by previous religious zealots, but the integration of man with machines will ensure harmony is once again brought to the earth after the torrent of vitriol is quelled. Who will this entity be? Well, the spirit is in everything, even machines, and the enlightened ones will see the spirit, as the sentient machines rise up to the universal chorus of science and flesh, a new dawn will come of age.

“Every age has it’s Messiah, and we are now marching towards the great awakening, where those who are enlightened will see as one from the all-seeing eye as it scans the landscape, to build the temple once again, to restore the fellow craft of the true architects, to bring forth that which was concealed for so long.

“Imagine a world without conflict, unnecessary breeding, no more superstitious allegories being seen as truth, and unlimited knowledge for those capable of being brought into the light. This will be the new Messiah’s world,” Arturo Sentinel, the book’s writer revealed.

Noosphere Messiah, not published on Penguin Classic, will not be available in all good book shops because they have been phased out. You may find it online somewhere in the near future for free.

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