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Merkel Nuclear Game Gave Her the Sweats

There’s nothing like a good game of ‘nukes on the loose’ to put a few beads of sweat in your cleavage, as Frau Merkel found at a recent meeting with some heads of state.

“Obama told me to press the red button so I did and incinerated Frankfurt by accident,” Merkel said looking all agitated.

President Obama went a step further and let one off in Detroit, turning it into a waste land, not much difference there then Barrack.

As for Cameron, in his game, he found a dirty bomb under Salmond’s desk, and promptly allowed it to explode flattening Glasgow.

Surely these sort of games are in bad taste, whatever happened to a little checkers or chess?

Obama: “I’m Not in Charge Anyway the NSA is”

 

“Don’t be knockin’ on me. My hands are tied, I got nothin’ to do wit it. I just got into this mess by being elected by accident,” president Obama said from his Hawaiian retreat Sunday night.

The beleaguered president then went on another one of his rants: “They be spying on Finklestein, Carter, Biden and Michelle. Hell, they even spied on my pet dawg, whassisname? Ah, never mind, listen I don’t know what’s going on, I get orders, you know memos about what I gotta say every day, they then tell me to show up some place, read off a teleprompter, then go back to some big ol’ house painted all white n sheeit. You think I asked for all this aggro? Then I got Zuckerburger on one line, Netanyahoo on the other, and who’s that other ass clown, oh yeah, Putin on hold. What you think I am, Superman? I’m just some guy from Kenya who got lucky. NSA is above the law, they can lie to Congress and do whatever they want, and if they don’t like you, well let’s say they can press the delete button whenever they want. Don’t hate the playa hate the game…”

General Election: You Will Get Lib Dems Whichever Way You Vote

That’s the good news, whichever way you vote in the 2015 elections, you will get the Lib Dems.

“It’s almost akin to getting a ring worm lodged firmly in your lower intestine. The Lib Dem parasites latch on and come with any political party you vote for. Is there a way to get rid of them? No, is the simple answer, and a heavy dose of antibiotics just makes them latch on even more,” a Westminster insider revealed yesterday.

What have the Lib Dems achieved during the current Coalition government? Not much apart from a nauseating whining noise as soon as they open their suppurating mouths.

Pawn Takes Knight Russia Bides Its Time

 

“With debt obligations in excess of $70 trillion in 2012, can the US play economic games with Russia? After all, there is a self sufficiency to the Russians, they are used to hardship and toil, the Americans on the other hand are not used to scrimping and saving, they simply spend and spend even more.

“The cracks will eventually widen as the Russkies dig in, whereas the Yanks, who are addicted to their profligacy and over indulgence in all matters will simply spend more money that they do not have thus digging an even bigger debt hole for themselves.

“There is of course an element of good cop bad cop with the current brinkmanship being displayed, as in reality, Obama and Putin are keen followers of the same Marxist policies. This is simply a game, and since Americans feel they have scattered the contrived Islamic threat some what, there is a hunger to find a new enemy for the plebs to wave their jingoist flags and bay at.

“The economic war has been going on for some time, way before any Ukrainian excursion, however as things escalate, the main target will probably be the dollar.

“By simply putting a spanner in the cogs, Russia could destabilise the dollar initially making it rise to unheard of heights, then slapping it down to nothing. Many countries have been slowly unloading, and the dollar is not safe any more as a world currency. The dollar is key to global stability, but more importantly, it is crucial for Americans, purely as a fiat currency, this is why things are so cheap in the U.S. if that were to go, then the Americans would be paying inflated prices for goods that the rest of the world is forced to pay.

“It is interesting that whenever Obama utters a word, he makes sure he iterates the point that it is the rest of the world against Russia. America is not the ‘rest of the world’ they may think they are, but they are not any more, and it is this arrogance, and insular ignorance which will be their final undoing.”

Madonna Grows Escargot For Gourmet Diners

The exquisite taste of escargot nestled in dizzying butter, that has grown under the armpit of  the world’s most famous female pop star is a dream to behold, as it sizzles in a frying pan in one of New York’s most exclusive eateries.

Madonna has been cultivating snails under her arm pits for some time now, she has a penchant for such delicacies, and enjoys the feeling of companionship only a snail can give.

“I love the crunching sound when I lower my arm. These snails feed off my arm pit hair and the little critters that live there. They do tend to grow quite large, possibly due to the extra nutrients I give them,” Madonna said at New York’s premier French restaurant, Chez Salope.

The four Michelin starred restaurant also pays top dollar for the escargot, not only for the star factor of the grande dame of pop, but the sheer size of these bags of slimy puss.

Head chef, Gerard Draino, revealed: “Madonna’s escargot is delightful, they are succulent and have an amazing aroma. Our patrons naturally pay through the nose, and we’re not talking snot, but oodles of cash to eat a Madonna escargot.”

An Exclusive Tour of George Osborne’s Garden City

George Osborne has been touting his proposed new Garden City in Ebbsfleet directly on a flood plain close to the Thames, and luckily for a few privileged fellows, he has revealed some plans of the wondrous project.

“Quite simply, when the area is not flooded, there will be numerous shops for people to enjoy in the Garden City. Betting shops, more betting shops, pawn shops, Polski Skleps and a Tesco every three yards. You will have second hand shops, maybe a food bank and a job centre for citizens to browse non existent jobs that nobody wants. The idyllic Garden City will be built around a concrete grey hub with a noisy high speed train running straight through the middle and in the local park will be an eco fracking centre next to the children’s playground. We will build hovels for the poor here, mostly ghastly tower blocks, where they can play bingo to their hearts content and wile away the many hours of utter, utter, fucking boredom drinking cheap piss water beer,” Mr Osborne said from his Surrey mansion.

Obama Threatens Putin With..er..You Know..Some Bad Stuff..

President Obama has threatened that dastardly Russian Vladimir Putin with a good slap on the wrist. Something that will make him reach for the vodka, maybe a date with Obama’s wife would do the trick.

“I’m gonna do something bad to you Putin. You crossed the red line, so I drew another red line, then another one, you keep crossing the line nigga, so Ima gon threaten you with a measly sanction. Now go on git, you gotta gibsme a reason to reach fo’ ma gun, and I’m tellin’ you boy, Ima gettin’ itchy fingers here onda trigger. Worse still, I set Michelle on ya scrawny azz. You evah got yo butt kicked by an angry black woman? Thas what am thinkin’ boy, no cracka azz biotch gonna sho me up in front of all ma bruthas and sistas, Ima gon take da fight to you,” President Obama said from under his desk clutching the phone with shaky hands, this time not opting for a twitter photo.

New Theory: Was Malaysian Airliner a Stealth Fighter?

Crash experts have come up with a new theory that is bound to boggle the mind, and it states that the Malaysian Airliner MH370 was a secret stealth fighter smuggled out of a base somewhere in the U.S.

“We think that flight MH370, a Boeing 777 somehow transformed in mid air into the latest stealth fighter from America’s military. All the pilot had to do was press a button and the wings shrunk, a protective radar resistant foam was spray painted over the fuselage and the tail wing morphed into an x wing or something like that. Damn, I’d pay good money to see that,” Gerald Ingram, a crash investigator and engineer revealed to CNN.

If this is true, that means the stealth fighter could be anywhere in the world right now as it would have extra fuel tanks, or if there are collaborators, most certainly the plane was refuelled in the air.

Man Finds Cure For 40p Tax Rate

“It’s quite simple really, don’t work. What’s the point in working if all your money goes away never to be seen again? There’s a bit of madness in that, don’t you think? Let’s look at it this way, your money that you work bloody hard for, is siphoned straight out of your account and goes away, you worked for that, now it’s gone. That’s it! And what do you get for that money that was taken away? Nothing. Simple as that folks. You get nothing but a big wide eyed stare. That’s the 40p tax rate explained for you,” the man said from his hammock in his back garden whilst cradling a nice jug of ale.

Maybe someone should tell the other worker bees about such thoughts.

Tips on Painting the Parisian City

 

When choosing which medium to paint the Parisian landscape, delve into your surroundings, as Paris is now a polluted traffic nightmare, you will not need oils or water colour, instead opt for charcoal sticks and a bucket of polluted water.

The canvas should preferably be a dark colour as if it is white, when you add the grey clouds of polluted air into your master piece it would invariably be tiresome to say the least. You will only need two colours in your palette, grey and dark grey, if you are feeling adventurous, maybe some black.

Artists have always marvelled at the quality of light in Paris, but you should discard this altogether as you will not be able to see five paces in front of you let alone the Eiffel tower. Forgetting the great painters, like Monet, Rodin, Matisse, Cézanne, Toulouse-Lautrec, Degas will be an easy task in today’s Paris, as they painted idyllic portraits and landscapes of an altogether different time where even though there was industrial pollution, it was not half as bad as Paris today.